Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

Osbourne, who judges the American version of Britain's Got Talent, the talent show that catapulted the homely Boyle to super stardom, said on the Opie & Anthony Show that she likes little Susan despite the fact that God "hit her with a fucking ugly stick":

I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped ass. God bless her. It's like, 'You go girl'. She does look like a hairy asshole. She is a lovely lady. You just want to say 'god bless' and here's a Gillette razor.

The Road leads you to post-apocalyptic Hell on Nov. 25. [Yahoo! Movies]

Eaten by a shark? Check. Deadly alien? Check. Killer Snowman? Check. Creature crawling out of the fridge to pull you in? You betcha! Gore-obsessed video intern Brad Clark scoured countless horror movies to find the most creatively campy, disgustingly delirious, and just plain shitty ways to die and condensed it to under a minute. Now you have your whole weekend to do productive things like make a costume or figure out how to put razor blades into apples. You're welcome.

The films these moments came from are:
Deep Blue Sea
Chopping Mall
Final Destination (A whole bunch of 'em)
Friday the 13th Part 8
Scanners
Deadly Friend
Dead Alive
Nightmare on Elm Street 5: Dream Child
Jack Frost
From Beyond
Ichi the Killer
Slither
Cube
Day of the Dead
Parasite
House of Wax

Passengers were witnessed jumping out of the bus to try and save themselves. Miraculously not only was the man in the video saved, but only 4 people were injured on the bus, none seriously.

The bus was finally stopped when it hit a raised plaza in the city centre.

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock could not be reached for comment.

O'Reilly and his dedicated team at Fox News recently tried to get Lee on the record about President Obama's slipping approval ratings and ongoing trouble in the health care arena. Lee wasn't having it, and simply turned his back on O'Reilly's right hand and our old friend, Jesse Watters. That's because, as Lee told Watters way back at the DNC, he doesn't do interviews with Fox News.

O'Reilly rose above it all, however, and told a little anecdote about how he and Lee were both at a New York Knicks game a few years ago and ran into one another in the bathroom. It was there, nestled among the unzipped masses, that O'Reilly and Lee shared a special moment. Recalled the rascally O'Reilly:

Spike Lee comes walking into the men's room. I'm 6' 4". Spike's is what? 5'2"... So, I'm at the urinal, and Spike kinda saunters up two away from me, he looks up and he goes, 'Did you find any weapons of mass destruction in here?

The news man then remarks that one "has to" give Lee "props" for the line. Props? No, Billy Boy, that's not what you were supposed to do, but we won't spell it out for you. Anyway, it's no wonder Lee doesn't want to do interviews with your news channel.

But, all joking aside, we too will give Lee props: if we saw you all exposed and stuff — well, let's say we would probably have had a different reaction. But trust it would make an equally entertaining story!

The guy with the camera, ex-Scientologist "Axiom142," spotted some Sea Org staffers getting off a van in East Grinstead, England, and pulled out his camera. The Scientologist he ended up talking to supposedly holds the church's highest ranking, OT-8, and advised him to "destimulate from your... electronic incident" or die in agony. Then the Scientologist called him a squirrel. This is a lethal insult, in his native Canada!

One of the tipsters who pointed us to this video also included a handy translation guide:

You might need a translator to understand what's going on there, but that just adds to the appeal. I'll do my best to try to explain the jargon:

The "time track" or "whole track" is the entirety of all the lives a person's "thetan" (soul/spirit) has lived before.

Being stuck on an "incident" means that something in this life, or more likely a past life is holding you back. Not only something that happened to you, but most likely something wrong you did. A common Scientologists find is in a past life they were a Nazi.

"The Bridge" is the name for some one's rank or level attained in Scientology, such as the infamous OT III or Clear. It is said by ex-Scientologists on the web that the man in this video is George Baillie, an OT VIII, which the highest level one can attain in Scientology.[1]

A "squirrel" is a derogatory term for anyone who perverts Scientology text or doctrine.

The "Sea Org" is Scientology's paramilitary branch, which holds little parallel to any other religious group. The closest thing I can think of is a combination of joining a faux-navy combined with a clergy, but with way worse living conditions and far more abuse.

"Re-stimulated" means being affected by an "incident" very strongly.

A "locational" is attempting through Scientology methods to locate and discuss said "incident" until it is no longer a problem.

An "S.P." is a "suppressive person" the general term applied to people who are against Scientology, or bad for society. The Scientology view holds these things are one and the same.

OSA is the Office of Special Affairs, the Church of Scientology's private investigation's branch and internal intelligence agency. Like the CIA for Scientology.

An "electronic incident" may refer to some form of brain washing implemented in a past life, likely by a psychiatrist and or alien.

[1] http://www.truthaboutscientology.com/stats/by-name/g/george-baillie.html

[via YouTube, which has since pulled the clip.]

1. Pete and Ken are both named head of accounts: This is the biggest (and most obvious) setup of the evening. When they fire the old head of accounts, the new Brits in town divide his job between Pete and Ken, dropping the hint that they expect one of them to out perform the other. Narcissist Pete is pissed, of course, and whines to his wife (who wears a killer hat to the office). Ken is cooler about it and thinks that it's a good opportunity for competition.
What's coming: It's war. And Ken is toast. Also, more hats!

2. Sal gets caught with a dude: Well, it was bound to happen eventually, because he's not a very convincing heterosexual. When he and Don go to Baltimore to save their London Fog account, Ken calls the front to get his air conditioning fixed, and the bellhop who shows up to fix it is only interested in using one tool, and it's Sal's. Before they can go all the way, the fire alarm goes off, and Don sees the two men together. Sal is relieved that Don don't mention it.
What's coming: Something like this is bound to come out (har har) eventually. Either Sal is going to get outed or he'll confide in Don, but maybe the closet door is cracking open a bit.

3. Peggy can't get her secretary to do any work: We didn't get to see much of the firm's only female copywriter and this episode she only interacted with the show's other females—both secretaries who weren't having any of Peggy's nonsense. First, her secretary has a hard time getting any work done because she's flirting with one of the Brits who is now employed at taken-over Sterling Cooper. Then Joan gives her the brush off at the elevator, asserting her authority as the babe with the biggest balls.
What's coming: How is Peggy going to overcome the chauvinism of the office when not even the ladies have her back? It's going to be another lonely year.

4. Don says he'll "always come home": We find out that Don wasn't raised by his prostitute mother, who died in child birth. His working-girl mom told Don's dad "If you knock me up, I'll cut your dick off." After she dies, the midwife names the baby Dick. Ha! Later, DonDick tells his upset daughter that "he'll always come home," but then has a hard time staying focused when telling her about the night she was born.
What's coming: More sadness and ennui for the Drapers, of course. However, his "I'll always come home," can either be a promise that he's going to break or a threat that he's going to keep. But these two won't break up. Who else is going to torture them?

5. Joan and Moneypenny have it out: Joan is one fierce bitch, and that is why she totally hands a new British "secretary" his ass without ever raising her voice. When he starts to think that he's better than the girls in the pool, she assigns him a vacant office. She knows how to please a man—always appeal to his ego—but it's obvious she's setting a trap. Of course, his move illicits a dressing down from his boss. Good work, Joanie. There's a reason you're our favorite.
What's coming: We have a feeling Moneypenny won't take this lying down. But he should. If he pushes her too hard, Joan will take that gold pen necklace of hers and stab him in the eye.

Hughes died last Thursday, and by noon on Friday, Canadians Matt Austin, Kari Hollend, Mike Facciolo, and Lenny Panzer had inked a deal to have their recently-complete Hughes-centric movie Don't You Forget About Me released by Alliance Films. They also wound up on CNN and with a huge uptick in traffic to their blog.

Started more than three years ago, the crew set out to track how and why Hughes faded into obscurity after a run of such successful films. Of course, as the crew told the Globe and Mail they're a little sad that their success is largely due to Hughes death.

"It's a very uncomfortable feeling and you can't help but feel guilty," Ms. Hollend said. "You never want to feel like something good has happened to one person as a result of something bad happening to someone else."

While the group scored some interviews with Ally Sheedy, Andrew McCarthy, and Mia Sara (Sloane from Ferris Bueller's Day Off!) still no news on whether or not they bagged a conversation with the man himself. You do need a reason to go see the movie, now don't you! We do know that Molly Ringwald declined to participate.

Ms. Ringwald (The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink) declined numerous interview requests, for what Mr. Austin suspects are similarly melancholy reasons: "She was very close with him and I think she didn't want to speak on his behalf."

The release date is still being set, but we'll be calling in sick and stealing our father's Ferrari to go to the premiere.

Sarah Palin's last day in office is upon us, and Letterman. So how couldn't he?

Unfortunately, the affair's about as subdued as you'd expect: jokes about Todd, jokes about McCain being old, jokes about her glasses (truly: meh), and a joke about her trying to get Letterman canned.

Not that we'd expect anything to be truly offending. but, come on: Letterman's on a roll. He got his contract renewed, he's beaten The Tonight Show in ratings, and you'd kind of think he'd be able to afford a little risque humor at the expense of a politician who's given him shit (and good ratings) over the last few months. Or maybe he just needs to afford funnier writers.

Couric, being a classy lady, doesn't mention the error-prone Times scribe by name, but we all know who she's talking about.

I had to smile albeit, a tad ruefully, and I think he would too when I saw The New York Times correcting a piece that had appeared following his death. The article contained not one, not two, but seven errors about his life and career.

She then goes on to recount a number of the errors. It's almost as if she's a woman scorned. Oh wait, didn't Stanley once say of Couric "at the first sound of her peremptory voice and clickety stiletto heels, people dart behind doors and douse the lights?" Oh yeah, she did! (PS—that article has a correction attached to it.)

Payback is a bitch, but Katie Couric is not, so she never makes it personal—especially considering, if this were a knife fight, Stanley would be lying on the ground bloody and defenseless. However, our Katie-poo does get in a few good zings.

So as we say goodbye to the Dean of TV news, let's all remember as journalists when we say "that's the way it is" - it really is.

In Stanley's case, we hope Couric is using the term "journalist" loosely.

Watch CBS Videos Online

To a peppy tune that sounds pulled from the ABBA dustbin, Condom-Cupid flies by two innocent adolescents studying in a bedroom. Well, that's about to turn inta' a lesson in biology! (Ba-dum-bum!) Of course this would never fly in the Red, White and Blue because teens here don't have sex, right?


But old folks do! Whimsical Condom-Cupid then flutters past two senior citz, who smash up their charmingly prim tea set to get - it - awn. (Grandpa's steady gaze is classic.)


It gets more intense. Condom-Cupid flies past a swanky cocktail fête, prompting a pondering partygoer to shut the curtains and presumably start an orgy! They've been in the air.


Finally, the gay cops. Watch the video for that one.

We LOVE Condom-Cupid! Let's name him/her/it, shall we?

. . .

Hodgman, a sometimes Daily Show correspondent, author, and former literary agent, absolutely killed it last night at the 2009 Radio and TV Correspondents Dinner.

The entire thing is about fourteen minutes, all of which is priceless (and Hodgman, not a professional comedian, makes Wanda Sykes' performance of a few weeks ago look completely bush league). Watch and learn, future Obama funnypeople. This is how it's done.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Nice work by Hodgman, who's clearly still in a little bit of shock himself.

Sklar - who's doing freelance work for The Daily Beast when she's not working as "media consultant" Dan Abrams' prime henchwoman - sits down here with Times media reporter David Carr (a famously reformed alcoholic) at a bar for a drink. The results are weird and beautiful and utterly fantastic, in that, I can just pull quotes from it and it's wonderful:

Carr's weirdness starts out: "Today was horrific." Horrific? Fun. Flamboyant! He continues, showing his media reporter card/hand: "The thing is, if you write something about the New York Times, a lot of people feel compelled to write in and say what would save the New York Times. And we've thought about most those things."

Who's we? And, wait: we have? "And Number one, we're not really in need of saving. And then there's a lot of people who think the paper's going to go away, somehow." What? No! Yes? I'm so confused!

Then Carr talks about how excited he is to be a media reporter, and Sklar - who appears to be eating a mango, maybe? - nods downward at the words "media reporter," or so the video's been edited! Conspiracy! But Carr is scared. "But I'm scared," he explains to Sklar. Her response? David Carr, Inc. can live without the Times, because he has a brand. And Carr cuts her off: "I'd never make what I'm making now." Well, that's why you hire Abrams Research! Duh!

Then Carr gets a "fry cut" - maybe that mango was a french fry? - and there's a bunch of nonsensical trivia about whether or not Carr prefers Star Trek over Star Wars. Carr begins to give Sklar the crazy eyes and she begins to look scared. And then, before we know it, the cinéma vérité masterpiece that is SklarCarr has come to an abrupt stop.

So, final count:

- Rachel Sklar looks down when Carr calls her a media reporter.
- Rachel Sklar looks terrified of Carr.
- Carr - the New York Times media reporter - doesn't think the now perpetually beleaguered paper needs saving.
- Carr will not abandon the mothership, because he's making too goddamn much.
- Carr thinks Star Trek is action-packed and the like and Star Wars is for nerds. What?

When future humans come back to earth to excavate our microparticles in order to learn about the civilizations that came before them and the silly instruments that provided the decline and ultimate demise of our culture, our means of communicating, and this whole "journalism" concept - print, electronic, telekinetic, whatever - in like, fifteen years, this video's going to be studied endlessly. I've watched it four times and it's still strangely, incredibly hypnotizing. I feel like I'm watching some acid-dropped deleted scene from Citizen Kane. It's that awesome.

As the song ends, you can see the "fly" (set piece) come down as the STD-clad Rock Of Love star and Poison singer swaggers towards the back of the stage, right into the set, and flat on his ass. It's wonderful.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

[Thanks to failed Webutante Nominee/Blogger Soup for the tip.]