Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

The Road leads you to post-apocalyptic Hell on Nov. 25. [Yahoo! Movies]

Gawker Media has not yet received the official court filing, so no one here is able to respond in full. Our overlord Nick Denton, however, filed this very to the point retort on on his twitter feed:

To quote the great Marty Singer — Eric Dane's lawyer — if you don't want a sex tape on the internet, "don't make one!"

We are as anxious as anyone to see what the happy pair allege, so we'll share with you what we know, when we know it, but for now, feel free to take a trip down memory lane to the video that started it all.

According to Paul Caine, president of the Time Inc. magazine group that includes Entertainment Weekly, the ballpark dollar cost for one of these video units is in the "low teens," although he said the cost may come down before the issue comes out.

Jesus Fucking Christ. I mean...wow. The Future!
[Vid via Boing Boing]

[The above video is NSFW for T&A. Our filthy-minded comrades at Fleshbot will be posting an uncensored version for those of you who want a gander at McSteamy's intsruments. Update: It's up. Go forth and review! ]

In the video (which we edited down from a 12-minute original), we see the apparently inebriated threesome — at one point Gayheart says she needs to lay down because she's so high — lounging au naturel in the fallen beauty queen's Studio City apartment, passing around the camera and, for giggles, discussing what their porn names should be. Dane settles on "Tuff Hedemen" (his favorite champion bull rider). Soon the threesome move to the bathroom where the two ladies disrobe and get into a jacuzzi tub while Dane takes over the camera duties.

The line between Hollywood success and failure is razor thin. The acting couple (the married in 2004) may not be at the pinnacle of the Hollywood talent heap, but they're about as successful as they could have hoped in their teenage years. Oh, and they're hoping to start a family! Dane, 36, moved to L.A. in his teens, landing bit parts in early 1990s TV shows like Saved by the Bell and The Wonder Years, palling around the Hollywood club scene (once dated Lara Flynn Boyle!) before winning stardom in Grey's Anatomy. Gayheart, 38, had her first big break in 1992 as the Noxzema Girl, and aside from accidentally killing a teenager crossing the street, she's made a career of film and TV roles here and there.

Peniche, 25, probably had a similar future in mind when she was crowned Miss Teen USA in 2002, but it wasn't to be. She was stripped of her crown for posing in Playboy (NSFW link). Peniche tried to leverage the controversy into a career, and knocked around on the Hollywood Z-list for a while. She got engaged to Backstreet Boy Nick Aaron Carter for a minute. There were a handful of TV and film roles, but lately, a source in Hollywood tells us, she's ended up working as a madam, working the Hollywood club scene as "Tristan Bailey." Her m.o.: When horny club dudes would hit on her, she'd tell them she was seeing someone…but, she could hook them up with someone who knew some smokin' hotties-for-hire. The dudes would then be redirected back to her service, and she'd occasionally turn a trick herself.

Recently she was thrown off Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab (where she was being treated for sex addiction) amidst back-and-forth accusations that she punched out a cameraman, entertained unsavory drug dealer types at the Sun Valley sober house, and stole money and personal belongings from her roommate, country singer Mindy McCready. As of late July, the Hollywood vice squad got a hold of Peniche's client list and the above video, which Peniche herself had been showing around to friends. The most damning part segment: Peniche lying topless in bed reading off a credit card into a phone. (Or maybe she's just ordering out?) Here's the evidence receipt, with the identities of the cops and the person who turned it over blurred out.

Oh, and a fun fact: This isnt't the first time Gayheart's been seen naked and high in a hot tub. This past June, the National Enquirer printed a 2003 photo of her in a bathtub with an unidentified woman and a crack pipe. As Dane comments while his wife gets naked with another woman again, he pays Peniche, who's facing a criminal investigation while they are not, a back-handed compliment: "You're, like, a good hang. I see you on the street tomorrow, you're one of Rebecca's friends."

Update: Dane and Gayheart's adorable lawyer Marty Singer hasn't sent us any legal threats yet, but he did get on the phone with TMZ to issue a threat against, well, us because the tape is "private, confidential." I haven't heard from him but you do have to chuckle when a man speaks of what he knows:

"From what I've seen it's a naked tape, not a sex tape." Singer added, "At most it's 3 people maybe wanting to have sex."

Oh, and look, his take-down request just arrived. Let me go read it.

With reporting by Mark Ebner.

As you'll learn in this video, it's easy to label someone like Mike a "racist" for posting the sign—until you learn that one of his best friends in the military was a Hispanic guy, "Taking pictures of each other at the urinals, and so on." So, yea. Nachos unite us all. [Guanabee]

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

Of course not (racist). You can trace Barack Obama's basketball style directly back to one man and one man only:

Amazingly Kari segues right from the perfunctory apology into demanding that Vice send her her last paycheck. Hopefully that was a joke? Can't quite tell.

Regarding her claim that the Observer didn't contact her for its story, Doree Shafrir tells us, "I called and emailed twice, once through her gmail and once through myspace. Trust me, I wanted to talk to her for the story." Kari, you have to answer your emails promptly! Please, for the sake of everyone. [Particularly our emails].

Also check out Animal's photo shoot with Kari. Samurai swords are involved.

So anyhow this proves she's still hanging out in Brooklyn. To all you people who haven't spotted her even once in the last two weeks: shame on you. She should be getting autograph requests in the Barcade bathroom by now.
[Animal NY]

This clip has been around for a few days but it's well worth checking out. It features a pro rider named Danny MacAskill doing things that would lead to instant death if you tried them.

Boy in my day we thought you were hot stuff if you could pop a wheelie!

"I have never done anything...to do anything...to remotely...and I mean remotely...suggest that I would defraud anybody, swindle anybody, or run any kind of Ponzi scheme."

Wrong, cricket boy.

This comment, purportedly from Kari's father, was left on the Delicate Condition blog:

I am Kari's father. She was adopted in Arizona from Korea when she was 5 months old and we later moved to Utah with my job. Kari was a very bright child probably too smart reading 7th grade level when she started first grade. She got everything she wanted as a child, when you adopt a child you want them to have everything. She was in gymnastics, band, t-ball and many other activities. She had a very spoiled upbringing. I have no idea how she turned out this way, but I hope she gets help and whatever treatment is needed. Kari if you're reading this turn yourself in. I love you.

Here, it's Kari's famous "I Love Beards" tat! [We got one tip that said, simply, "my friend grew a beard for her because it was her 'last dying wish' that he do so"]. A beard advocate from Bearduary tells us: "Kari shot a photo project at the Bearduary end party. Pretty much her hip tattoo next to a bunch of bearded faces. I do not think she ripped anyone off that night just shot her photos and left. Kari claimed that she had a coffee table book coming out through vice of those photos." Alas, this is the closest that book will come to fruition. This fine tipster also forwards this, an email he says Kari sent to him, which includes the infamous "hot dog down my hallway" phrase in its full contextual glory:

"I am looking for a boy to allow me to be his beard,
if you know what I mean. Basically, I need someone
to toss their hot dog down my hallway, while I sing
theme songs from syndicated television programs
from the late 70's, early 80's.
If you think you (or a friend) are up to the challenge, let's convene on the interwebs."

-Korean Abdul-Jabbar

"she told me she didn't have facebook but showed me her myspace page and her favorite group, which was pictures of rookie major league baseball players with mustaches," says the guy who sent in this picture. Poignant.


These photos are from Kari's Photobucket account, which is a treasure trove of her active lifestyle.

Finally, we'll call this Kari's film debut. This is a clip from Joshua Heller which is a "pilot" for "Mini Sex Cops," a show some dudes got drunk and came up with and then videotaped themselves talking about. Our hero appears at the 1:20 mark in the clip.

Mini Sex Cops from JoshuaHeller on Vimeo.

Basically 50 tracked down one of Rick Ross' baby moms and got this sex tape featuring her, narrated by a cross-dressed 50. For more background see here. Honestly we didn't watch the whole tape, but we hear there's one part in there where the girl is fucking the guy while a Neutrogena ad plays on the TV in the background, so it's worth watching for the romance factor if nothing else. [Watch it at Fleshbot]

*In South Carolina. Click to watch Cheech McWeedy spill.

AT&T's correct predictions in 1993: EZ Pass, GPS, text messages, Ticketmaster.com, webcams, video conferencing, movies on demand, online universities.
Incorrect: the prediction that these would be brought to you by AT&T.

Microsoft's 2009 predictions for 2019: drawing magically in the air, projecto-keys, ear-looking gizmos, houses and stores that will stalk you, the newspaper of the future, "digital wallet," pretty much everything that was in Minority Report, a grocery list that's digital, translation thingies, things for your boring job, plant diagnosing contraptions, fancy little remote controls.

All the good stuff has been done.

This is America, after all. We can't overreact. Paupers can still be customers. Be honest: You knew it would come to this.

"Blah blah China China China (repeat 87 times) support love regret blah blah," says Phelps. His revenge: he is totally blazed out of his gourd in this video.

This kid is the face of hip hop and we salute him for his beef-starting. Ante up. [via Adrants]