Gawker: walnuts

McCain: Desperate, Reckless

Pareene — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 12:01:12 EDT

There's no better example yet of John McCain's sudden inability to work his beloved national press like the mess that is the Sarah Palin pick. It's actually hard to remember now that John McCain used to be the coziest man in Washington with the political press corps. Just like it's hard to remember now when "experience" was the McCain campaign's primary selling point, but whatever. You know what happened—McCain was supposed to pick his buddy Joe Lieberman, or lightweight right-wing Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, and then suddenly he's introducing this charming Sarah Palin woman. The move was supposed to signal "maverick," but as allegations of ethical misdeeds and family drama painfully leaked out over a long holiday weekend, it became apparent that the pick was so maverick-y as to be positively outside the bounds of logic. So don't listen to people who say the media is beating up on Sarah Palin over some private family matters—they're beating up on McCain for acting like an idiotic political novice.

It seemed so simple, at first. A young woman governor, beloved in her ultimate frontier state. You pull soccer moms, right-wing Christians, maybe a couple disgruntled Hillary voters, and independent Westerners. She even had a bit of energy cred!

But when McCain runs as the "experience" candidate and ridicules Obama's lack of foreign policy experience and seriousness and then defends Palin by saying her foreign policy experience is that her state is close to Russia it causes the "serious"-minded commentators to take notice of the only sort of political malfeasance they genuinely can't abide: violating your own message. As Michael Kinsley puts it:

How could anyone truly believe that Barack Obama's background and job history are inadequate experience for a president and simultaneously believe that Sarah Palin's background and job history are perfectly adequate? It's possible to believe one or the other. But both? Simply not possible. John McCain has been—what's the word?—lying.

Even Cambell Brown abused poor GOP strategist Tucker Bounds on the experience question, leaving him sputtering and useless:

And all that was before the baby debacle! At which point the story became even worse for McCain. Even as people rushed to defend Sarah Palin and her daughter and castigate the filthy internet that forces people to pay attention to terrible scandals, the larger, more important question became the worst of all media questions: what did you know and when did you know it?

McCain knew Bristol Palin was pregnant, Republicans insisted. But suddenly stories were all-but-implying that McCain's campaign—the campaign of serious grown-ups—basically Googled Palin a couple weeks ago and decided she looked clean enough for the job. As John Dickerson puts it, Republicans are not being complimentary when they quietly call McCain "reckless."

Of course the press continuing to turn on McCain (how twisted they must've been originally that the turn has taken nearly five straight years!) always has the possibility of ending up a net positive for McCain. And they shore up the Christian Right by nominating a woman who has spent a year now demonstrating an unstinting commitment to her pro-life values (if not quite aiding the principle of abstinence education).

But even if America decides they genuinely like this rural-accented exurban mother, the ones wavering between the candidates may still come to decide that this was not an example of good decision-making on the part of the cranky old man.

John McCain's Balls: A Study of Campaign Website Comment Moderation

Pareene — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 12:15:38 EDT

John McCain's campaign store is a treasure trove of hideous merchandise and, briefly, hilarious commentary. The comments on each item were clearly totally unmoderated, which is always a treat. Would you like to buy some John McCain-branded golf balls? How could you not after reading reading reviews like this: "The downside is that these golf balls almost feel like they've been painted over something that was once pasty white and older than one might think. If I press hard enough I think I can feel some scars, but then again it's never a good idea to press too hard on one's balls. Nevertheless, it might be why these balls tend to get stuck in quagmires or sand." There is so much more! At varying levels of maturity and humor!

Reviewer: Gny. Sgt. Hartman from Paris Island, SC
Great gift for your friends and loved ones in the military that are trapped in the sand for the next 100 years.

Reviewer: Kim Jong il from Pyongyang, North Korea
Your balls are tiny compared to my huge North Korean balls ! I have a huge missile. Suck it hard suck it hard you puny Americans. If you don't obey I will tickle you or give you Chinese water torture!

Reviewer: John Waters from Baltimore, MD United States
I enjoy using the balls for teabagging when a partner isn't available. they are great for use in 'fore' play to helicoptering your partner into a frenzied state on the 19th hole!

Reviewer: Richard C. Mongler from Virginia Beach, VA United States
The downside is that these golf balls almost feel like they've been painted over something that was once pasty white and older than one might think. If I press hard enough I think I can feel some scars, but then again it's never a good idea to press too hard on one's balls. Nevertheless, it might be why these balls tend to get stuck in quagmires or sand.

Reviewer: Pearl Robledick from Mount Redding, West Virginia
Hi, I bought these balls for my husband, because I thought he needed a pair. i never expected them to be so white and hard. Thank you Senator John McCain for giving new balls and a new swing to an old geezer!

Reviewer: LVA Forkush from Sherman Oaks, CA United States
My friend George says these balls will last 50 years, but then I heard that Senator McCain said, "Make it one hundred." I'm going to invest my children's future with John McCain's balls!

Reviewer: Ted Underhill from Straight Talk Express
John McCain's balls look great against any green fairway.

Between this and the racist Clinton dead-enders we really need to teach candidates to control their web presence a little better. How many times do we have to learn the lesson that you're responsible for your supporters? It's not fair, no, but it's politics.

Once the internets started linking to the hilarity, though, McCain finally removed links to the comments. Thankfully, there's more here and here! Now let's all buy some of WALNUTS' BALLS and TAKE BACK THE WHITE HOUSE!

There Will Come Soft Rains

Pareene — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:46:23 EDT

John McCain would love to see NASA adopt a "better set of priorities," by which he doesn't mean science and stuff, but rather just sending a dude to Mars. Hooray Mars! McCain says he was inspired as a child by reading The Martian Chronicles, a book that tells the story of how humans exterminate native Martians and colonize their planet until Earth descends into nuclear war and everyone goes back to die. He probably doesn't remember any of those details, as he read the book 58 years ago. [AFP]

Is Your Ringtone Annoying Enough? No? Replace it With Hillary Clinton!

Pareene — Thu, 08 May 2008 18:03:09 EDT

Do you hate everyone around you? If so, you may wish to download one of Slate's political ringtones. No, seriously. This is what they're doing. Ringtones made of soundbytes taken from the never-ending 2008 primary elections. Like Hillary's odd laugh, John McCain calling someone a jerk, and "Yes We Can!" If you download these to your phone, you will get beaten up. But! They forgot a couple! Like, all the good ones, basically. Allow us:

Walnuts!
God DAMN America
45 seconds of Mike Gravel not saying anything.
"Heidi Montag is a very talented actress."
"Hill-Rod"
"Can I ask you about your, uh... why you're so angry?"

We'd link to downloadable mp3s of those classic moments, but we really don't want anyone to actually have "political ringtones." Except "God DAMN America," that one's awesome.