When Jared Kushner isn't busy firing some of the city's best reporters, insulting the remains of his staff, or taking the "sloppy seconds" approach to venture capitalism, he might be too busy to seek help in one of the New York Observer's more neglected blind spots: Equine Relations.

Lo and behold, then, the Heroic Destiny Squad, who thinks they (or he) can be part of a symbiotic relationship with the Observer regarding the salvation of the horses who escort tourists through Central Park on buggy rides. And also, because Kushner's a Jew, he already works for this dude. Your front-running nominee for Totally Batshit Correspondence of the Year, we present: the New York Observer's Crazy Horse Guy.

From: Justin Massler
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:45:11 -0400
Subject: Important Message for All New York Observer Reporters

Good day reporters of The New York Observer, would anyone like to help save horses on this fine summer day?

I will explain the situation I am writing in regards to.

As some of you may know, many horses are currently imprisoned as slaves being forced to pull carriages in Central Park for the amusement of tourists.

My name is Justin Massler and recently I was appointed by Angels to be the King of the Jews in the tradition of previous Kings such as Moses, David, Solomon, and Jesus.

I have been ordered by the God of the Jews to free the horses who are enslaved as carriage pullers in Central Park for the purposes of restoring freedom to the lands, much like how Moses himself had to free the Jews from their enslavement in Egypt so many years ago.

I have decided to commandeer The New York Observer for this purpose which I can do since it's owned by Jared Kushner who is a Jew and therefore one of my subjects which makes his properties subject to emergency commandeering if it is deemed necessary for Divine Purposes.

Anyways, does anyone want to help with this cool elite mission of animal rights heroism? We can use The Observer to launch a propaganda campaign to ban horse carriages and influence public opinion against this unjust practice.

I am therefore recruiting reporters from this paper to take part in this noble cause.

The website of my hero team is http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/ so you can see that I'm legitimate and not just making this stuff up.

Hopefully someone will respond to this in a positive manner and I won't just be ignored by every single person like has happened to me before in the past which is a depressing thing to have happen, but I suppose such are the trials heroes such as myself must endure in our quest for justice at any cost.

Sincerely,

Justin Massler

President of Heroic Destiny Squad

http://www.heroicdestinysquad.com/

P.S.

Also, does anyone know Jared Kushner's phone number or personal e-mail address? Or better yet, does anyone know where he hangs out?

I figure since he's the owner of The Observer I can commandeer it more quickly if I just get Kushner to agree to this plot himself.

I tried sending him a message before but I think he's trying to avoid me even though I'm his King which is like how sometimes kids try to hide from their parents. Is it true he lives at 21 Astor Place above the Starbucks? If so I can just try to find him at his house and talk some sense into him.

If anyone can give me any info on where this guy can be found it would be much appreciated.

Cheerio.

He is legitimate and not making this stuff up. Moses sent him! Or something.

He is also scary and possibly insane, and this is the kind of stuff we get routinely, too! Good to know all publications of all stripes can still find common ground in the batshit people who take time to write them this kind of stuff.

Seriously, someone or other emailed the New York Times pretending to be the mayor of Paris, a guy named Betrand Delanoe, and they emailed him back being like "hey are you serious?" and the guy didn't write back so they edited and published the email.

Some Frenchies here in New York exposed the hoax when they found themselves suspicious of the language used in the letter, which called a Kennedy senate appointment "appalling" and "not very democratic," so they just called Paris and Paris was all "no, totally not us."

So while they're "reviewing" the procedures that led to this mildly amusing international incident, we encourage you all to write into the Times opining on the issues of the day and sign your emails with the names Boris Johnson, Gianni Alemanno, and R. T. Rybak.

Gentlemen, meet Kathryn Lean Lopez, editor of National Review Online! She is the mother of all Kool-Aid drinkers, according to Andrew Sullivan. She writes for The Corner, NRO's neat little group blog that really exists inside its own bubble of political fantasy and theological debate and name-calling and reality-denying. But K-Lo wrote a crazy column about how "the McCain campaign should stop trying to ruin their good thing — a vice-presidential candidate who was a breath of fresh air not only in the campaign but in American politics and culture — by over-preparing her and tossing her into hostile media interviews." Which led to this!

‘You belong on MSNBC. You’re no republican and should be ashamed of what you wrote. You’re a disgrace to this journal and the republican party. Everyone knows you are a democrat with a name Lopez. I don’t ever want to hear from you. Thousands of complaints about you have been expressed.”

Ha ha, oh shit, K-Lo just heard from her base, and they're not happy! Also they're a little racist and crazy! But honestly that is tame compared to what her NRO friend Kathleen Parker got when she wrote a column about how Palin really needs to be kicked off the ticket to save the Republican party.

Your article sounds more like a female on the rug. You don’t do yourself credit for the lousy journalism you displayed in your article. The article filled with so much BS, mud slinging, it came to a point it became unbearable to read any more drool from your part. So I must ask you, are you some pig that resembles Rosy O’Donnell, or do you hate real feminine, soft and powerful woman who has reversed years of corruption in Alaska, and fearful that she will do the same thing, but her problem that might shatter this dream is her poor performance in a few interviews?

Hopefully this is not typical of your journalist abilities, otherwise, you might be better off heading home and cooking some cookies.

My, My, Kathleen, what a nice conservative facade you have!! Truly, your aren’t fooling anyone with your so called concern for the betterment of the Republican Party by asking Sarah Palin to get off the ticket. What you did was embarrass yourself and negate every positive article you ever wrote about Republicans. See, I think you are a fake — a wolf in sheep clothing. A pretend conservative. Someone who can’t be relied on in tough times and has zero loyalty. Someone who lies in wait to attack. In your dark heart, that opportunity couldn’t come too soon. So, please, spare us conservatives, who actually care about supporting our party through smooth & rough roads, with your disingenuous regrets.

Clearly, your article proved that you are not a supporter of women or loyal to the party, because you implied that Sarah Palin has to be perfect in every way to be counted as credible. And in your eyes, she doesn’t perform according to your standards. Finally, I don’t have the time nor do I want to waste my time with you by making comparisons of Sarah Palin to many of our past, ‘experienced & knowledgeable leaders’ that brought this country to crisis after crisis. So, you might want to re-categorize yourself as, a “woman who won’t support another woman unless she believes what I believe” — LIBERAL. Having mass amounts of ‘information’ pale in comparison to the Godly character Sarah Palin has & how that character would bring her through any challenging situation. But I guess only a Christian conservative could see that.

You talk too f***ing much. Get out from behind you computer and get a real job. And stop help Senator Hairplugs, you f***ing dope.

You are very easy to figure as are many like you. The bad have always hated the good. No matter what issue. War, terrorism, politics, evil like Osama Bin and people like him, Mumoud from Iran and such. Evil has always hated the good!!!!!!!!!

Case closed

The hate inspired Parker to write her own oh man the hate mail I got is crazy column. Parker, of course, compares the bile and threats to Nancy Pelosi's dumb anti-Bush speech in a "everyone is too partisan" cop-out. But, you know, Parker does acknowledge that this brief trip outside the Party Line led to an unprecendented amount of hate mail: "After 20 years of column writing, I'm familiar with angry mail. But the past few days have produced responses of a different order. Not just angry, but vicious and threatening."

(The Guardian too recently ran one of their periodic "look at our dumb American hate mail" columns too!)

We'd say this is indicative of a terrified Republican base facing their first big loss in some time, but honestly the tone and volume of the hate mail has barely varied since we were first introduced to it in 2006 (and we're sure it was the same story from the very beginnings of the internet). The Commentariat is just ANGRY and VIOLENT, all the time. Liberals get a great deal of justified ribbing for their constant outrage over every little thing, and political blog commenters from both sides are guilty of disgusting rhetoric, but in our experience it's the Malkinites and Little Green Footballers and their Brethren who hands-down win the violent, stupid, and hateful hat trick. Look how they turn on their own!

Hey, here's our own inbox!

Why would you treat a pregnant woman different from any other person, except to offer her a seat on a bus or to help her with a heavy package? Should we say pregnant women can't hold the same jobs as men due to their condition? Or how about run for office due to their delicate condition?

I do approve of your efforts, yes, Alex. You and Gawker are doing the job that the MSM isn't - not sounding the same irritating drumbeat as the rest of the media. If one more big media outlet calls Sarah Palin a "reformer", McCain a "maverick", and Bristol some sort of role model for all 17 year olds I WILL SCREAM. (Bristol isn't a role model, she is just a kid who made an unfortunate mistake - maybe 2 mistakes! there, I'm picking on her also).

Tell that person that your mother doesn't approve of hate mail.
Can't we all get just get along?

She further comments:

Hey, you guys should do a feel-good story on that german shepherd Buddy who DIALED 911 when his owner had a stroke or heart attack. He is a cute german shepherd and apparently has opposable thumbs

Here you go!

"On a recording of the 911 call Wednesday, Buddy is heard whimpering and barking after the dispatcher answers and repeatedly asks if the caller needs help."

Celebrity gynecologist and stand-up comic has been hired by GAWKER to blog about everything from vaginas to videos. Pinks review of spoiled lobster knuckles at Marys Fish Camp had far more credibility than Frank Bruni. Dr Pink has been examing "fish" at his Hollywood gynecological practice for 26 years. He knows who's been packed in ice and who is covering up their freshness with Vera Wang perfume. This doctors uncanny search for the truth is appealing to most readers. They are simply falling asleep with most verbiage and want to read something that has no direction and no purpose. His column is cotton candy, pure retarded thought. As noted in his column he writes without a formula ,without any journalistic background he just ejaculates copy. This train wreck style makes readers wonder where will the next sentence take them. Its like watching a 30 minute show and its over too quick. Its like a quick fuck. Dr Pink takes nothing seriously so Nick Denton is considering making the column into a pop culture comic strip. There has been talk of it being syndicated which would create even more revenue for the Gawker Group. Again this is a fluid story there has been interest in Pink at Vanity Fair, Playboy and FHM. He has been working with Howard Stern and writing jokes for Joan Rivers since 1994. His penis has made many cameos in movies about race horses. He's sick of being a doctor. He's tired of comics getting laughs at the bits he came up with even he has been compensated tremendously. Dr Pink wants to sit in his bathrobe and tell stories. They are all crazy and they are all true. His one man play "you remind me of my mom because you taste like brisket" and CUTTERS THE MUSICAL have gotten positive reviews by critics with Downs Syndrome Start spreading the news. Start spreading your legs. Let PINK continue to keep GAWKER in the RED. Dr Rand Pink. Stand-Up Comic. Gynecologist.

Gawker,

A woman standing in line in front of me at Hale & Hearty salads just ordered the single most disgusting combination of ingredients imaginable: peas, beets, hard boiled egg, chicken (egg & chicken together! horror!), goat cheese, raisins, garbanzo beans.

Please let your readers and fellow salad eaters know that certain combinations of ingredients are inherently gross and will NOT be tolerated.

Subject: Tom Cruise
I do not understand all the hype about Tom Cruise. Everyone knows he's weird....enough said.

Subject: Divide and Conquer
I have the best idea of all: lets do a check on his
faith, all that thinks he is crazy and an idiot lets
not support his due payments to crazy land and boycott
his movies and we will see the light turn on or see
the alien being that has "SP" come out of his arrse,
then I might think oh he is not full of crap but add a
alien in there tooooo. Thanks

Related: Suri, Not L. Ron Hubbard's Spawn, A Cutie Pie!

Takeaway points:

• The Post's claim that Ms. Cordero is transgendered is not a part of her suit against them because it is so ridiculous as to not be "worth wasting the ink."
• This is called Strategy 111
• We "obviously have bad reporters who write opinions as fact and do no researching."
• Mr. Unroch hopes this is the last time he will be writing anything to us. We don't!

From: William Unroch
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2007 14:47:55 -0500
Subject: Your publishing.

Alleged Epstein Rape Vic Sues 'Post' article was not only a cheap, poor opinionated knock off of Radar Magazine's article it was stupid and uninvestigated. Where not suing the post for being the post and reporting the FACTUAL news! Where suing them for printing horrible, malicious lies they knew were false (if you saw the law suite you would know that) and printed away for a juice story! The fact that the majority of their publishing(s) were based on two web pages (that News Corp. is the parent company for) that the post was well informed several times were not Ms. Cordero's but published away as her words! N Y Post reporters working for the same company that owns myspace.com could have made 1 phone call to find out who created the web pages in question if they didn't believe me. How ever instead they printed it as if what the web pages said came from my clients own mouth ignoring my repeated pleas for them to at else investigate the authenticity of the pages before the write the article if they didn't believe me. I repeat what took me a day and a half to find out (yes I subpoenaed the web pages) could have took one phone for them. That fact that I didn't sue on the basis Ms. Cordero is a transgender is because frankly that issue is so ridiculous that it wasn't worth wasting the ink!!! That issue will be brought up by them and when they subpoena the birth certificate it will look much better for my clients case not only because they raised the issue by because of the outcome (it's called a strategy 111)! Further more the Post reports went around telling my clients friends and family that she suffered from a serious sexual disease which happens to be a criminal matter since the illness is statue protected. Not to mention it was completely false! Basically the whore article was a malicious defamatory lie to assassinate my client's charter cook up be Rubenstein and the post (which they conveniently left out the fact that they share the same publicist as Epstein!). So you say I'm suing the post for being the post! Be guided carefully or I'll bring you into the case for being involved with the post to dismiss and further defame my client as well as this being a effort to poison the future jury pool in News Corp.'s favor! You obviously have bad reporters who write opinions as fact and do no researching! I hope this is the last time I will be writing anything to you!

Sincerely,
William Unroch

Earlier: Posts related to 'Jeffrey Epstein'

Subject: stories i care about
From: [Mom]
To: Alex

>>>> Please read the confidentiality statement below <<<<
jim carrey - mad about google
Drew Carey ruining the price is right

"Was the story better as Carver first wrote it? Maybe, but probably not. It would have been too long (even if it wasn't Carver), too heavy-handed and unwieldy, in my opinion. But the funny thing is—there is absolutely no way to tell whose hand swiped that black marker over page after page of that manuscript."

"Carver could have been over Lish's shoulder while he worked, or on the phone, or mailing drafts back and forth across the country. Without handwriting samples, which wouldn't apply to the haphazard x-ed out pages I saw, there was no way to know what happened and I left Indiana even more disillusioned than I'd already become after a year of grad school. The kicker is that I'll never know who wrote the most heartbreaking thing I saw while there: a line drawn through one nondescript sentence and the words 'what we talk about when we talk about love' written above it."

"Gawker," he begins, "I appreciate the fact you ran the story without contacting me for ANY type of validation." We think "I appreciate" might actually mean "I don't appreciate." Ah, witless sarcasm! The #1 rhetorical tool of incensed fourth-graders.

"I will ask you nicely to take down the blog about me (FARQ aready has). I really don't want to get my legal team involved, I prefer to play nice." First, it's called "Fark," and we can't imagine what made them take the link down. Being legal professionals, John, your "legal team" probably already knows this, but just in case you don't? Assuming you're suggesting defamation, a complainant must show that a statement could be found to convey a provable factual proposition. We're thinking that your "legal team" might recognize that they'd have a hard time with "worst person in the world" and "nightmare online dater." Those are just our opinions! Some other people might think, based on your public internet presence and the communications you've chosen to make public via a dating site, that you are the best person in the world, and a model online dater, and that is totally their prerogative. Anyway, we appreciate that you prefer to "play nice."

"If you even care about my side of the story, it is posted on the front of my webpage." Aw, of course we care! We love hearing your side of the story! Unfortunately, it didn't totally change our minds about your douchiness to read, for example, that you had called your Match.com lady a fatty because "Men lie about their height. Women lie about their weight. If a person has nothing but pictures of their head, they are not height/weight proportional. It is a cold reality. I have standards, as we all do."

"The title "worst person in the world" - I think it certainly fits the "crime". Sending a not so nice PERSONAL, PRIVATE email to someone. The end result - that people are trying to ruin my entire life and career is rapidly in progress." Um, but ... didn't you just say in your open letter that the "movies, books, TV shows" offers were rolling in? Confusing!

"I assume this brings you some type of joy. I wish we were as diligent about pedophiles, rapist[sic], murderers and terrrorists - we could clean up the world in a day!" I have no idea what would have given you the impression that cleaning up the world was in any way our goal here.

"By the way, an internet dating 'NIGHTMARE' would include stalking, date rape, murder, etc. Not an unpleasant email exchange!" You're right, John: an email from you is not as bad as stalking, date rape and murder. No argument there!

"Regards,

John Fitzgerald Page
'THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD'
'NIGHTMARE ONLINE DATER'"

Right on! Own it!

I find it disconcerting that you choose to target the well meaning group of idealists at GOOD Magazine for your criticism for the supposed lack of male vs. female "diversity" in their ranks. Indeed, it has been my experience that small Gen-Y led media companies (as a whole) tend to be be much better at fostering an environment of true diversity, ie, black, white, yellow, male, female, gay, straight, etc. So if, out of 20 odd employees, one finds a slight slant towards more men or more women or more asians or whatever, so be it, if their overall intentions are noble (which they are). Your real target should be the large consumer publishers who truly lack diversity in their ranks. Go thru the masthead of most major consumer magazines (say the top 200 titles) and you will find most of the staff is women (80%+). This includes the top positions such as Publisher, Editor, Managing Editor, Ad Director, Mkg Director and the top sales people. It is also an industry lacking in many people age 50+. In addition, try and find black employees in these companies outside of the mailroom. So, the magazine industry discriminates against men, older people and black people. Meanwhile, the content for many of these rags promotes anorexia, vanity, materialism and our cultural obsession with celebrities. All of this on non-recycled paper (unlike GOOD Magazine), so it's an industry that's bad for the environment too. And while I'm at it- the industry is subsidized by the govmt. in the form of artificially low postal rates secured by scandalous lobbyists. To target some young, well-intentioned idealists, at a magazine with a skeletal staff is a waste of your time and reinforces out of date stereotypes and misconceptions. Yes, it's easy to pick on a rich guy. But the truth is, there are plenty of real magazines out there that don't find a spot on their staff for older people, men and blacks, also owned by rich people who inherited their money. Your story is off the mark.... Best Regards, Alexander Hamilton

I had an epiphany last night that I realized only gawker could truly appreciate. I finally figured out why I find Dov Charney sort of inappropriately sexy: because I was watching the 1973 film of _Jesus Christ Superstar_ and realized that he bears a strong resemblance to evil Jewish high priest Caiaphas! And because, watching that movie as a small Catholic girl, I felt naughty feelings for the shirtless sweaty bearded evil Jewish high priests with weird hats and S&M-style chest-strap arrangements. Sexy evil Jews, both.
Wow, it feels good to confess that!
"One thing I'll say for him, Jesus is cool."
Katie

How in the hell are we supposed to care about this bitch Julia Allison? Who is this woman and how did she rise to such notoriety with such little education and or common knowledge of the world around her? The question remains, who among us can't do what she does? This is not simply a latter day Carrie Bradshaw. This is a painted whore who drives a Mercedes off her ill gotten gains. Perhaps because we don't have a 34D chest and a vacant personality we shall never attain such lofty goals. This girl is a menace, a boil on society and I, for one, refuse to accept that she gets a pass just because she has big tits. If people like me are heard then this girl w ill be out of the papers, if not now, eventually. I am sick of this type of New York bullshit. Woody Allen I can take, he is at least funny 10% of the time. This bitch is just annoying 100% percent all the time, every time. Please kill me before you place another post about her.