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we hate your kids
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we hate your kids
Every Single Annoying Trend Converges with Organic Preschool
Overparenting. The green movement. Gentrification. Obsession with organic food. The result was perhaps inevitable: "Le Petit Paradis," a new organic preschool to open on the Upper East Side. Activities will include building a gigantic bubble in which to live during adulthood, effectively shielding oneself from the outside world. Seriously, though, it'll be run by a Frenchwoman and will feature "environmentally friendly wall paints, bamboo floors, and low-flow toilets," for those who know how to use them. Said headmistress was inspired by "'the Al Gore movie" and "dying polar bears." [Intelligencer]
crayons
Gaylord Children Invent Gay New Crayons
In honor of the 50th anniversary of the 64-crayon box, Crayola is tarnishing its sacred traditions with eight "newly named colors," supposedly selected by kids, most likely kids who eat crayons. The new names? "Super Happy (yellow), Fun in the Sun (orange), Giving Tree (green), Bear Hug (brown), Awesome (dusty pink), Happy Ever After (blue), Famous (hot pink) and Best Friends (purple)." Oh god, "Super Happy"? "Famous"??? Yeesh. Do not want. Some rejected crayon names, after the jump: More »
we hate your kids
Kids Should Be Abandoned in Bloomingdale's More Often
We talk all the time about how we hate your kids because they're spoiled and rich, taking over the city with their precious, organic ways! Now we have an ally in the media: Lenore Skenazy from the New York Sun. She wrote about leaving him at Bloomingdale's! "For weeks my boy had been begging for me to please leave him somewhere, anywhere, and let him try to figure out how to get home on his own. So on that sunny Sunday I gave him a subway map, a MetroCard, a $20 bill, and several quarters." It's like the Outward Bound of New York City! On the Today Show, mother and son explain his big adventure: "This is like, 'boy boils egg.' He just did something that any nine-year-old can do." Click to watch Skenazy get chastised: the subway is no place for children. More »
we hate your kids
"Once Your Children Learn How to Google, the Universe Is the Limit"
An actual letter from an actual Park Slope parent, sent out this afternoon on the "Park Slope Parent" listserv, does all the work for us when making fun of the uptight helicopter anal-retentiveness of this self-fascinated breed! The problem? "My daughter's good friend was at another friend's house for a playdate and the children were left unsupervised in a room with a computer with no software protection on it for inappropriate content... They googled 'naked women and men', were on for quite a while, and you can imagine what they saw (everything, according to the mom, videos and all)." Adds our tipster, "If you Google the search in question, you'll get a Youtube video, a feminist porn site and an essay by Naomi Wolfe." We'll show you the full email and then we'll Google "naked women and men" and "show" you something else! More »
we hate your kids
Finally: A Facebook for Yuppie Babies
Child-website Babble launched its Playground today, a "social network for young families." What, the bars and coffeeshops of Park Slope and Boerum Hill and the entire world isn't enough of a social network for these people? It has photos of babies and videos of babies. Some of those babies appear to be in bars. The topics in the discussion forum? Priceless. (Those baby-hormones really start to affect typing/thinking skills, don't they?) More »
Jeremy Spoke in Class Today
Some Germans bought a stroller on Ebay and it came complete with a loaded gun, Reuters reported. Whoops, how'd that get there? The original owner has no idea. [Reuters]
Some Germans bought a stroller on Ebay and it came complete with a loaded gun, Reuters reported. Whoops, how'd that get there? The original owner has no idea. [Reuters]
new york times
Take Your Offspring To Work Day Is Back At The 'Times'
Last year, the Times canceled take your daughter (or son, both genders enjoy a day off from school) to work day. But they had an excuse: Children are annoying. Just kidding, the company was moving. This year, the Times is once again pretending that children are the future. Full memo from one of the first beneficiaries of the program, Arthur Sulzberger, Jr., after the jump. More »
we hate your kids
Abercrombie Presents The Hottest Emergency Room For Children Ever
Abercrombie & Fitch, the clothing company known for provocative ads featuring sexual images like those at left, will affix its brand to a children's hospital trauma center after donating $10 million, and a bunch of children's groups find that a little pervy and are trying to derail the whole thing. The groups allege Abercombie pushes sexual images on pre-teens, and judging by a 2006 Salon profile of the company they are probably right. In it, Abercrombie CEO Mike Jeffries defended thongs for middle school girls, which had been imprinted with statements like "Eye Candy" and "Wink Wink," by saying "You know what? I still think those are cute underwear for little girls. And I think anybody who gets on a bandwagon about thongs for little girls is crazy." But unless Abercrombie posters go up in the new hospital or medical staff start getting hired based on their looks — basically unless the place turns into the set of E.R. — it's hard to imagine the brand traumatizing kiddies just because it's attached to a hospital wing. After the jump, an outraged anti-Abercrombie letter signed by 16 "advocacy organizations" and "about 800 Ph. D.'s," according to one of the signatories. More »
Stop Sending Fake Neal Pollack Sightings!
"Yesterday's item reporting me taking Elijah to a Hives show in New York was flat-out wrong. I don't live in New York and wasn't in New York last week, with our without my son. There are dozens of eyewitnesses who can confirm this for positive. I'd really appreciate a correction. Thanks so much." So cut it out, guys! (To be sure, there were probably plenty of other Alternadads at the Hives show.)
"Yesterday's item reporting me taking Elijah to a Hives show in New York was flat-out wrong. I don't live in New York and wasn't in New York last week, with our without my son. There are dozens of eyewitnesses who can confirm this for positive. I'd really appreciate a correction. Thanks so much." So cut it out, guys! (To be sure, there were probably plenty of other Alternadads at the Hives show.)
critical stalker
Alternadad Spotted Doing Cool Thing w/ Kid
"At the Hives concert at Terminal 5... Thunder Music! Alternadad [author Neal Pollack] doing something approximating the Hully Gully through the most of the set; Alternakid looking embarrassed for him, which was kind of awesome. When I came back from getting empanadas, they were gone. Possibly because I kept turning around, pointing and mouthing "Alternadad!" at my companions."
the rich
Ally Hilfiger Presents The Future Of Creativity
Heiress and TV starlet Ally Hilfiger, you will recall, is part of an exciting new generation of multimedia artists and as such likes to "have all my creative outlets exposed." Lately, Hilfiger seems to be most interested in having her painting outlet exposed, but her work was only formally exhibited this one time as part of a weird music video type thing. All that is about to change. After the jump, details on the Tuesday event that will mark a new dawn for the art world, and a sampling of the paintings involved. Hint: the number 8 plays a big role. More »
7-year-old Caught with Crack at School
ABC News reports that a Trenton boy brought 70 grams of crack to school. It's your typical "our kids in peril" story, but they miss the more interesting angle: it's not an uncommon practice for dealers—usually in the kid's family—to give young children drugs to hold onto, because they can't really be prosecuted for possession. (Has anybody read Random Family?) [ABC News]
ABC News reports that a Trenton boy brought 70 grams of crack to school. It's your typical "our kids in peril" story, but they miss the more interesting angle: it's not an uncommon practice for dealers—usually in the kid's family—to give young children drugs to hold onto, because they can't really be prosecuted for possession. (Has anybody read Random Family?) [ABC News]
In Brief
What are the Best Children's Books of All Time?
#1 is C.S. Lewis's The Chronicles of Narnia, the Times Online reports! Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince lags at #6. Here are the top twenty books for kids, as polled by Booktrust: More »
parochial news
Poll: Do You Srsly Hate Park Slope? Would You Live There?
All writer Lynn Harris did was ask people on the Brooklynian messageboard why people hate Park Slope, and all that it represents, so much. (She's working on an article for New York.) The brownstone neighborhood used to be cheaper and down-to-earth, with lots of lesbian couples and artistes, but these days it's known for armies of anal-retentive richie moms with their passive-aggressive strollering. The article will "focus not just on WHAT people say they hate about Park Slope, but also WHY the hate seems to have become a meme of its own. Why PS and not other gentrified, Bugaboozled parts of Manhattan? Why has Park Slope become shorthand for all that is evil and twee?" Answer our poll!More »
we hate your kids
Yuppie Shock: Rich DINKs Not Equipped For Parenthood
It turns out, according to today's Times, that when you have children, you might have to slightly compromise your aesthetic design sense and maybe even tape the corners of your designer furniture. Or put it in storage! All because the little puke you finally conceived after putting it off for a decade or two spent finally snagging that prewar apartment and filling it with dead-tech post-modernistic bullshit might hurt himself on the sharp edges of your Barcelona chairs. Or smudge your glass-top Noguchi coffee table. The obvious answers to the problem—belt-delivered beatings should young Atticus get near the Ligne Roset brown microsuede one-arm sofa, locking young Libertad in your minimally appointed sleek modernist basement until he's 18, abortion—are not provided. [NYT] Photo: Evan Sung for The New York Times
listicles
Internets, Gays, Celebrities: Three Things That Will Destroy Your Family This Valentine's Day
The American Family is Under Attack. Homosexuals, liberals, Europeans, celebrities, immigrants—all seek to undermine our nation's moral code. Marriage, parenthood, even chaste teenage courtship are embattled and probably doomed. Movies about children having children out of wedlock, gays trying to marry gays, and wife-stealing media moguls are just symptoms of a deeper moral rot in our culture. Here, we present to you, exclusively, three of the greatest dangers to your family unit that you are sure to face this February—and beyond! More »
that's racist
"Gingerism" is discrimination against redheads, and passes for racism in sissy England, where they are very gravely concerned because some coppertop got stabbed in the back there once or something. Here in America, where people have better things to worry about, New York magazine brazenly attacked the flame-haired children of the city in its Feb. 10 issue. Its cover story on "Why Kids Lie" was illustrated with pictures of four children; fully three were gingers, since we all know blueys are notoriously poorly behaved. After the jump, thoughts from a torch terrified at New York's campaign of hate. Also, a terrible joke about lava heads from the BBC. Finally, a list of carrot-top slurs. To avoid, of course.
More »
How Bigoted New York Magazine Hates Redheads
"Gingerism" is discrimination against redheads, and passes for racism in sissy England, where they are very gravely concerned because some coppertop got stabbed in the back there once or something. Here in America, where people have better things to worry about, New York magazine brazenly attacked the flame-haired children of the city in its Feb. 10 issue. Its cover story on "Why Kids Lie" was illustrated with pictures of four children; fully three were gingers, since we all know blueys are notoriously poorly behaved. After the jump, thoughts from a torch terrified at New York's campaign of hate. Also, a terrible joke about lava heads from the BBC. Finally, a list of carrot-top slurs. To avoid, of course.
More »
