• Hot dog! We have a wiener! And it's Hillary Clinton, who may or may not have been offered and may or may not accept the job of Secretary of State. Whee!
• A famous blogger is in trouble with the law!
• Happy TV Christmas and Thanksgiving everyone!
• Ashley Dupre is back! She's on TV and everything! We have advice for her.
• Al-Qaeda called our new president names and a douchebag sued over getting called a douchebag.
• Another week, another opportunity to just write PUPPIES!
• Next week, Bill O'Reilly will take on beatniks. Did you know they listen to jazz?
• Katie Couric tried some more GOTCHA JOURNALISM with Dave.
• Soon Anna Wintour may be out of job! But, like, maybe voluntarily. Unlike you and everyone else in the nation. There's always Dubai.

• We declared the era of celebrity hedonism dead, which made room for the era of the adorable puppy. Including the blowjob puppy!
• Keith Olbermann didn't vote, which made The View ladies mad. But at least he didn't vote for a fake wardrobe.
• The economy! We are all doomed. Even hookers, sort of!
• Jon Stewart might get killed, while TRL is already dead.
• Rahm Emanuel is Jewish! Just like Oxford rugby parties.
• We watched the saddest episode of The Hills, EVAR.
• Linda Tripp reminded us that she still exists, as does George Bush, for now!
• The Eliot Spitzer hooker would like her interview now, please.
• Pushing Daisies shouldn't get canceled, but your Out subscription should. (Kidding! Keep reading!)
• Cindy McCain sucked face with some dude!
• And then, finally, the Iraq War ended.

• Slow news week, right? Oy, where to begin. On Monday we were still laughing at Sarah Palin, when we weren't killing ourselves with worry. Obama cried, about his grandmother.
• Oh man, then there was this election on Tuesday! Sarah Palin voted for NO ONE because she's a maverick. Tim Robbins caused a big fuss. We looked back on the last couple minutes of history with nostalgia.
• And we all had a big election night party! We called it for Obama at 9:30 and put up the ceremonial puppy photo shortly thereafter.
• Meanwhile: holograms! Puppies! Parties! Cute kids!
• The next day we all looked at newspapers and were all "whoa." And we gave advice to Sarah Palin, whose humiliation was just beginning. It just got worse.
• Robert Novak says don't worry, Barack Obama didn't win by that much. Don't tell it to the crying weepy liberals. Barney got emotional too. And some British person said some stuff. Still, no one has jobs.
• The man responsible for America's Best Dinosaur Movie died.
• Rahm Emanuel is America's favorite new enforcer.
• Oh, the recriminations and blaming and terrible stories of dysfunction. We love the week after elections.
• Hey, 30 Rock was pretty good this week.
• Puppies!

• David Letterman used appropriate scorn while speaking to Lauren Conrad. Tina Fey was not appropriately scornful of Sarah Palin.
• Mad Men was about women, and Gossip Girl was about sex.
• Do you work for Time Inc? Not anymore! You should try winning the Olympics maybe if you need a quick buck.
• Everyone is fired and drunk and racist.
• Men's Vogue and Portfolio will soon join Radar in Magazine Heaven. Sucks to be you, editors!
• Sure, Jon Hamm is famous to twelve TV critics and 100 bloggers, but that wasn't enough for Radar either, guys.
• Boy, the Edwards marriage is in trouble! Who could've seen that coming? Also we can't believe it took however many years for one of the zillion amateur HuffPoors to snap.
• Rachel Maddow is going as Sexy Keith Olbermann for Halloween.
• This is our Halloween costume idea: we're going to walk around, all night, with a mirror and a shitload of pills. We will be "John McCain's Cabinet." Get it? It was funny this morning, to us. Protip: add a blonde wig and you are Cindy McCain. Happy Halloween everybody! If you'll excuse us, we're going to find the most sincere pumpkin patch in Brooklyn.

• Mr. Blackwell died and Sumner Redstone got divorced and something about Chuck Bass and Neeil Kashkari and the only winner, this week, was Tina Fey.
• Oh, Madonna got divorced too so now she and Sumner Redstone can finally be together.
• We learned who ruined John McCain and who slept with Austrian Neo-Fascists and how much the Obamas spend on their elitist clothes.
• And speaking of those elitist clothes! Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes. Which confused and upset everyone! Even though it shouldn't have, they were just being elitist. Also the money was maybe not spent on clothes? There is a shady robocaller involved.
• Sheila had a fun week! She almost made friends with creepy Terry Richardson (don't do it!!) and we all read her email and oh, she explored what to do when you angrily storm out of the office before noon (spoiler: you drink). Then we learned about put-downs and other matters of etiquette.
• Lindsay Lohan did not have a fun week. She was cut from Gossip Girl. Ugly Betty [Whoops! -ed].
• Ok so Ashley Todd called the cops and said a large black guy attacked her in Pittsburgh's Little Italy. He carved a backwards "B" on her face, for "BARACK BOBAMA <3s BILL BAYERS." Some people got kinda skeptical and it turned out the whole thing was bullshit. It was a heartwarming tale.
• Then Radar died.
• And Ian is leaving us. (At least for the moment.) Welcome Alex Carnevale.

• John McCain turned nice again, but boo hoo it wasn't enough and he lost all his smart friends. This made him have sad senior moments and make funny faces. And then he decided to just get real angry.
• We found out that our boss is a terrible Nazi anti-Semite, and that Joe is a plumber. Or is he??
• We realized that some TV shows are liberal and some are conservative but almost all of them are bad. Even Project Runway, which is now over forever.
• Madonna's getting divorced! So we decided to give her some really weird life advice. But the best advice we could give her was to fire her lying publicist.
• New York is always changing, and Recession-panicked Goldilocks yuppies are fleeing back and forth forever, trying to find just the right neighborhood. Even Moby!
• ACORN is wicked for trying to get hobos to vote, while hipsters are wicked for secretly not being hobos at all.
• Barack Obama likes fried chicken and waffles and little kids and bloggers like High School Musical, but the Huffington Post no longer likes Rachel Sklar.
• The women in Playboy are not normal, but Rachel Maddow sure is.
• The Gossip Girl kids prepared for the future, though one of them may not live to see it.
• Lastly, if you have any questions, just give us a call.

• Hey, what a miserable week. Like, for the markets. All the markets. We blame the media! Ha ha, just kidding, we blame fatcats (well, some of us blame fatcats). Actually we're kinda tossing blame around pretty freely. But we couldn't do it without you! Nor could we do it with you but these people might.
• We learned how the candidates stay so pretty and how Arianna Huffington stays so unmuddied. (Mostly. Sorta.)
• We learned that you still should probably not seek a career in journalism. But it's a fine time to make that career failure into a positive (for us, not for you).
• Oh, there was a debate, or something. Between Maverick and THAT ONE. We didn't like it because no one addressed the needs of middle class bloggers.
• We took on Hip Hop Weekly! And Julia Allison took on herself!
• What year is it? And which movie is it? One of these maybe?
• Are you smarter than a fifth grade vice presidential candidate? Oh, yeah? Really? Then where is your money, loser?
• Here is your "Friday Night Festival of Failure" topic: New Depression Playlist! There is no Muxtape anymore, and we are too broke to afford "mp3s," so after the jump we are just listing some punny suggestions from our own Gaby, Queen of Law. Add your own!

November Drain
Here Comes the Slump
You Don't Give Me Your Money
We All Live in a Red Subprime Bad Dream
You Can't Always Get What You Want
Uncomfortably Numb
Sorted for C's bad Biz
(When Will We Get) Back to Black?
I Can't Get No (Credit Action)
Hesitating Duty
Ain't No Fundline
Let the Bad Times Roll
Dole With It
Heart of Lead
Are You Jobless Tonight?
In the Get No
Selling On the River
Golden Slumpers
Carry That Deadweight
When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Fuck Off
I Shot the Bailiff
Girls Just Want to Have Funds
Northern Rock'n'roll Suicide
Graphite is a Girl's Best Friend
Bronzefinger
Immaterial Girl
Downtown Drain
Hello Cruel World
Say Oh No, Save Goodbye
Bad Karma Coming Lehman
Paulson Prison Blues
Bailhouse Rock
Golden Frown
Now I Give a Fuck
Going Back to Harlem
Not a Penny to My Name
You Look Like Crap Tonight
The Red Letter
One Two Three No More
All My Dime is Gone

• So what the hell happened this week? We sure don't know! No one cared about gambly John McCain, Hamilton became embroiled in a Raymond Chandler book by way of a Coen Brothers comedy, your money continued burning, The New York Sun finally shut down and we weren't too broken up about it, celebrity sex ruined America, and Ian and Moe were on Gossip Girl.
• NBC got boring, CNBC less so. The Wall Street Journal was positively excitable this month!
• We are racists. Broke racists.
• We read every blog on the internet. Make us your vice president, you betcha, doggone it, there you go again Joe Six-Pack. Toot toot.
• Viral Video died for your sins.
• Reality, like Gwen Ifill, is in the tank for Obama. P.J. O'Rourke is in the tank for the guy who maybe slept with his wife.
• Celebrity designers who don't suck? Not on this season's Project Runway. GOD WE HATE THOSE PEOPLE.
• We are all getting little crash courses in economics! Of course what we need are crash courses in hunting and gathering.
• Ha ha Sarah Palin has a vagina.
• We printed some of our hate mail. But we didn't print the best one: the email said, in its entirety, "I am going to find out where you live and kill you in your sleep." This was written in COMIC SANS.
• Nick Denton fired 19 people, including Moe.

• Everyone went bankrupt and the stock market took a terrifying (and inevitable) nosedive. We had so many questions about what it all meant, and then we sorta answered them. Though, some good came out of it! And then, hey!, some more good!
• John McCain's friends and confidants told lots of annoying lies and this hurt many journalists' feelings. Even worse, the news killed Chuck Bass' boner.
• Anderson Cooper went on many dates, but sadly Ennis and Jack shall go on no more.
• A hero was lost, a teacher was found, and Alex Balk had nowhere to go.
• No one gives handjobs anymore. At least the Belgians are still giving head. But not swallowing!
• And of course, Sarah Palin's privacy, and thus the nation's, was forever stripped away. An angry mob blamed us and wanted to send us to jail, especially Manzanar apologist Michelle Malkin, who generously gave us a new tag line.
• In the end, we learned an important lesson: the world is both beautiful and terrible, all at the same time. Just ask Bill O'Reilly.
• Oh, and! Gawker is having a roof deck party tonight. We are exhibitionists and wildly full of ourselves, so there is a webcam of the event. It is after the jump.

• Oy. Sarah Palin! You sick of her? Well yes, of course. She sucked at her first interview ever, she does not appeal to angry (smart!) white guys, she still scares the Jews, and the Lynchian soap opera that is her personal life continues to astound and dismay. But not everyhing you read (or see) about her is true! Much like not anything she says is true, but who cares. Not us!
• The people need to know: how many pills does it take to get to the center of Cindy McCain?
• Did you hear about The Box? Things are bad there. We heard about it at The Beatrice Inn. (That is a lie, we have no idea what goes on at those terrible places. We ran into someone we knew years ago from college at a bar on Wednesday and now we can't leave the house again until October.)
• Some people said dumb things that were secretly smart, others just said dumb things.
• If the Indians hate Axe so much they probably won't care for Jack McCain. We just have a feeling he wears it.

• So. No one (besides Ken Layne, who'd happily called her "America's Hottest Governor" some time ago and then forgotten all about it) had heard of this "Sarah Palin" character before, until last Friday. And now, would you look at that, 121k views. We talked about her all week, multiple times a day. Just click there and read all of it and feel ashamed of yourself, and us.
• Oh, also we talked about Gossip Girl.
• Oh, and Barack Obama is drunk, because he is Irish.
• We made fun of the New York Sun's crazy intern policy (which is really only marginally crazy, right?), and then we felt bad because they promptly (almost) folded. And then we made fun of them again!
• Meet the new class! And the other new class! You will not like either of them.
• Us—they're just like us! (As is Elle.)
• We love Peggy Noonan! We hate every other writer in New York.
• This truly was a week to make you love America. Possible first lady Cindy McCain maybe doesn't know who this Roe person is and why they're against wading. Olympic champion Michael Phelps is grabby. Seth Rogen is not allowed to receive simulated oral sex. Etc.

• Marc Jacobs is god, Amy Sacco is forgotten, Tucker Max is Tucker Max.
• Famous people—they have opinions! Sometimes even when they're only microfamous! Also they don't need flacks anymore.
• Kids: fucking cute.
• On TV this week: Obama is a terrorist. Also Rich people. We are so post-all of that. Except for Gossip Girl.
• Plus MSNBC! They've been so much fun this week, with their fighting and carrying on and Rachel Maddow.
• Anna Wintour's still got it!
• Do you have coke? Good news: you will get laid!
• Correction: Steve Jobs is not dead, yet.
• Holiday weekend! Your weekend editor Ian will be stopping in for half-days tomorrow and Sunday, and we go dark on Monday, to celebrate the gains made by workers so many years ago that have been steadily pissed away by succeeding generations.

• An intern shit the bed, so to speak. Where "bed" means "work." But, you know, tip of the iceburg really.
• Joe Biden is probably going to be Barack Obama's loser Vice President because he captures that important "kinda racist old Irish Catholic dude" demo. But don't let that get in the way of your terrible speculation.
• Monsters! Sometimes we creat our own!
• TV is hard! And increasingly not worth it.
• The internet is hell.
• Congratulations to Harvard for winning a thing.