A pornography company offered a famous beauty contest loser lots of money to distribute video tapes they already possess of her masturbating. Google has scooters. And hellishly lengthy weddings. Adam Lambert wants to lick your gross vagina. He will turn back into a pumpkin if he appears too gay, obv. Ivanka Trump does not like it when you point out that she and her husband are terrible businesspeople.

Goin' Rogue is a wonderful read, as long as you don't actually read it. (And please don't judge it based on its skin. Though you should judge Newsweek for cruelly taking a publicity photo Palin arranged to present herself in what she thought would be a flattering light to one audience and presenting it to a less fawning audience. It is sexist to think she looks ridiculous! Also it is sexist to be Nicole Wallace!)

January Jones is the worst. The word of the year is still "barely rewritten press release." Make sure to buy someone on your list the popular "Twilight Vampire Guy Sock Puppet." The weirdo playboy guy is maybe a front for some sort of private security firm. Everyone at AP has been laid off. Lady Gaga was on Gossip Girl. No one wants to see Naomi Watts' stupid stroller ever again! Growing up in Canada, young Graydon Carter loved nothing more than his beloved sled. And Eddie Haskell. It is still totally fun to be a dictator's son. Malibu estate! Rodeo Drive shopping sprees! Whee!

Nowadays we can't even bother to pay attention to the scripted-for-the-cameas mock fights between people we aren't sure we're supposed to know why they're famous when they happen right before our very eyes. Thank god we have our faith to guide us. Our faith that god will kill the president, because we dislike him. It's on a t-shirt and everything. Brooklyn Decker is the real-life name of a real-life human who is on tv. The Hills is apparently Apartment 3G. Michele Bachmann's still got it! You probably shouldn't advertise booze with pictures of people driving. Mississippi: still racist after all these years. Haaa McDonald's doing the McCafe thing again. (There is totally an untouched McCafe McDonald's somewhere down in Gowanus or something. Bleeding edge!)

Barry is so skinny and it worries Matt Drudge so much. Texas banned marriage, which seems fair enough. Page Six is going after this naked teenager from Alaska, for some reason. The obvious Top Chef finalists became the official Top Chef finalists. Facebook is getting sued for all the money in the world. The kids on the Glee show are still singing. Sing sing sing. I dunno. People seem to be pretty into it? Limelight is going to be a shopping mall. HAH.

People keep putting Sandra Bullock in movies!

James Franco won all the National Book Awards because he is dreamy. Oprah decided to kill the concept of daytime television. Courtney Semel is not a very nice friend. Fox News won't stop digging. Someone, somewhere, actually wrote something truthful on their YouTube profile. (It was a murderer.) Restaurant owners are dicks, especially ones who email everyone to yell at them. Don't look at Jude Law. 30 Rock was just OK last night. Thank christ this season of Project Runway is over, though.

Hope you all enjoy your Florida Honeymoon! Just don't venture too far from home, because you will end up stranded.

Very few Iranians are on Twitter, and every morning when they check it they are all like "what's with all these Azeri Turk trending topics aren't they hilarious?" Your fancy stroller is going to kill your fancy baby. Glenn Beck sued the internet, and lost. His employers took the fight elsewhere. Marissa Mayer went back in time and invented Google in its crib. Sarah Palin promised to start Twittering again, but then didn't. The Hipster Grifter would like to be on VH1. Carrie Prejean announed her involvement in the production of child pornography. Then she attempted to become the first person ever to walk out on Larry King. She was unsuccessful. You can buy some of Bernie Madoff's tchochkes. (You might want to get on that before your funemployment benefits run out.) A mysterious man is spending a great deal of money on partying. He may be some sort of hard-partying front. Mad Men ended its season, and we wondered who'd be back. Then we watched a baby come out of a lady, on the internet. The New York Post turned out to be basically just like you thought it was. V proved beyond a doubt that Barack Obama refuses to speak Japanese. A funeral for a musician was ridiculously expensive. A Standard Hotel guest accidentally took that hotel's gross marketing campaign seriously. An American Apparel advertisement featured a nipple. Orly Taitz protested Fox News for some reason. Jersey Shore is a thing that will be on TV soon. (Maybe we can get Sean Hannity to apologize for it?) Las Vegas residents are concerned about a truck that drives around with a stripper in the back, stripping. It is unclear who actually shot the Fort Hood shooter. New York's ruling class is bravely reporting on its own children. Top Chef was weird and uncomfortable. The City was apparently Miami, for a day. Levi Johnston is having a lot of fun for a new dad. (He will not be joining Sarah Palin for Thanksgiving.) Glee makes everyone cry. Sarah Palin is still not tweeting, but she did write a chapter-book. 30 Rock is becoming incredibly unfocused—some of their b-stories this season could be full episodes—and ridiculously cartoonish, but there sheer number of successful jokes in each episode is still remarkable. Also they are making fun of NBC a lot. Project Runway had the always-fun "Tim Gunn attempts to connect to some weirdo's family" episode.

Brooklyn musician Gerhardt Fuchs, 34, died in a freak accident.

• Nouriel Roubini likes to rock the party.
• JFK blown away, what else did Mad Men have to say about how crazy it was that things were different in the early '60s?
• We endorsed not voting for Mike Bloomberg and, to be fair, a majority of New Yorkers took our advice, one way or another.
• Jay Leno maybe wants to go back to late night. No one knew that Tucker Max had a movie out, besides Hamilton.
• Old people at a newspaper were punching each other. It was kinda awesome. Then someone from Yelp tried to punch someone else from Yelp, and it was not as awesome.
• Sarah Palin really wanted to give a terrible speech full of "gonnas" and stuff, on election day, last year.
• Google stole maps! And they know everything about you!
• Gossip Girl and The City are shows about girls who gossip and live in the city.
• Oh no, some newspaper reporters missed out on the heartwarming story of a baseball team buying themselves a special prize.
• Dead clubs: still dead.
• Hey, an attempt to put the civil rights of a minority group to a popular vote failed, this week. Crazy.
• Whoops, we forgot to ask permission before reprinting emails between journalists and Eliot Spitzer's press office.
• Tom Cruise can control things with his mind. His mind and his arms and hands and legs and stuff. But mostly his mind.
• Are you exploiting your child enough? Or is a child exploiting you?
• Project Runway continues to suffer from boring challenges, terrible and inconsistent judging, and impossibly bland contestants. On the plus side: those ads for that movie with Ashton Kutcher and Catwoman.
• Levi Johnston is worried that his penis—which he plans on displaying in a pretend internet magazine—is not large enough to be presented in a pretend internet magazine.
• Swine flu attacked an adorable kitty cat! And also Rudy Giuliani gave it to a ferret.
• Spanx: still a thing.
• Top Chef had Fabio on it, yay!
• Oliver Zahm: he is French and he takes pictures of naked ladies and he goes to parties.
• Michele Bachmann attempted to lead a band of insurrectionists to take over the Capitol, where she is an elected legislator.
• Let's paint, exercise, and ride a private jet with a Silicon Valley performance artist/charlatan.
• Have you caught "Tardy For the Party" fever???
• Nidal Hasan, a military psychologist, shot dozens of people at an Army base, before a hero cop (a civilian and a woman) shot him. The shooter reportedly fulfilled all of the right-wing's demented deathporn fantasies.
• Glenn Beck's appendix attempted to burst from his stomach and free itself from his toxic body, but doctors kept the famous crazy person alive. Some people asked some questions about all of this!

• In: insider trading. Out: talking about health care. In: lizard people! Out: being employed by Conde Nast.
• Hey, they finally filed charges against your crazy ex-girlfriend. (No, Salman, not yours.) But she's cool with it. (Salman isn't, though.) (But don't worry about him too much.)
• Gay pop stars have taken over Details! Lap dancers have taken over Yahoo!
• There is still going to be a movie about the Facebook. Also we're going to save the Oscars!
• Don't be anything for Halloween.
• But especially don't be Bernie Madoff's child molester pizza chef.
• Do the dishes and you will get laid 1.6 times this week.
• One more for the they all look the same file. Also: something was Al Sharpton's fault this week.
• "Vomit everywhere." And death and stuff!
• The Times doesn't believe in this "selling ads" stuff anymore.
• Man, we should all be movie directors.
• Some people don't have cell phones!
• Some people don't have family portraits taken by Annie Leibovitz, either. But not the Obamas.
• Ha, "boner."
• Oh man, David Cross, why are you embarrassing yourself?
• Something you think is wrong, economists say!
• And TV! Mad Men, Gossip Girl, The City, Glee, Project Runway, and The Real Housewives of Atlanta were all recapped.

• Seth Green threw a big fit because he got mugged, and we thought it was fake, but then we thought it was real. Those terms mean nothing anymore, though, so who knows.
• TV comedian David Letterman continued to be mired in controversy and scandal because he apologized and was nearly extorted for sleeping with a staffer at some point in the past. Shock: they liked each other! He did not get along with her new boyfriend! There were letters involved! And kissing! The extorter, meanwhile, is a mystery. He might've gotten the idea from one of his stories. And he didn't breathe a word of his scheme to his cop friends. (Though maybe they came up with it!)
• Conde closed Gourmet. It was sad. And some people blamed the internet. Then everyone at Forbes got fired, too.
• There was kissing on Mad Men and on Gossip Girl. There was singing on Glee. There was despair on Project Runway. The Hills is still on and on The City someone pretended to take the J.
• We seek only to understand Nikki Finke, and to see a more recent picture of her.
• The Supreme Court looked at animal cruelty videos, and Sonia Sotomayor probably said something FIERY.
• Brett Ratner has an inflated sense of self-worth, because people on the internet make fun of him, for being a retard. (Sorry, retards.) Drudge suddenly likes pictures of the coffins of soldiers. Sully hates Obama. Australia doesn't "get" racism. The L train killed someone. The city is killing the Jane Hotel. The Governor of California will kiss a lot of things, but not that, sir. Who hasn't paid for sex with young boys? Right? Barack Obama won a prize. Google is evil.
• This week, the world cried out for any news on whether or not they will see the losing Republican Vice Presidential candidate's daughter's ex-boyfriend's penis. It's not looking good, but we shall never give up hope.

Hippies, porn, and Tucker Max continued to ruin America. Roman Polanski didn't want to come back to America. Lots of people who should know better support him, though. Arianna Huffington flies around on jets. Don't crawl through the rape tunnel. Even though it's not real. Kids died. Silvio Berlusconi still thinks he's very funny. Naked men roam Williamsburg. Watch out for ass bombers. Also watch out for "American Police Force." Also watch out for Sarah Palin's wacko ghostwriter. Also watch The City. Hey, guess who doesn't like a gay person? Answer: Sean Hannity. Crazy recognize crazy. China still puts on a great party. Chicago, not so much. Hey, Kristen Chenoweth was on that Glee show! Larry Ellison is having a fit about something. Andrew Sullivan is high right now. There was a Conde Nast death contest. We loved zombies. David Letterman paid for his assistant's education, after he had an affair with her, obvs, and also after joking about lots of other people's affairs. Also she was on the show sometimes! Project Runway was kinda lame this week even though Kors was finally back. And there are some fun movies this weekend!

A young lady named Ashley, who used to be an "escort," has a lucrative cross-promotional agreement with a local tabloid. Betty Draper, a fictional character, gave birth. Everybody died at Yale. We met Princess Coldstare! Steve Jobs cannot stop lying. Kanye might've been an inside job, and even Obama's in on it. (He thinks Kanya is a jackass, or at least that is what he wants us to think he thinks.) The Jay Leno Show was what we thought it was. No one has any perks at Conde anymore. Gossip Girl involved ponies. President Obama remained black, though it was considered impolitic to point that out. (He also is a Jedi.) Melrose Place continued to be a thing on television again for some reason. We learned all about Ray J. Clark. (He probably killed someone.) (A person, not a monster.) Someone took bad pictures of a little girl. We partied with Perry Farrell. Glee kept having the singing and dancing and whatnot. Not singing and dancing: Phil Spector. Wolf Blitzer sucked on a different show for a change. Project Runway saved the LA Times, by destroying it. Anna Wintour smiled.

So we beat on, boats against the current, ceaselessly fucking that chicken.

• We tried to predict Obama's week. We knew he'd deal with dissatisfied liberals and increasingly crazy conservatives, but who could've predicted Charlie Sheen and Joe Wilson! The former wanted to talk to the President about how 9/11 was an inside job, and the latter did talk to him right in the middle of his health care speech.
• Others, this week, wanted to talk to someone really important: the Harvard Dean of Admissions!
• Everyone told stories about the late Walter Cronkite.
• We tried to save Annie Leibovitz's finances.
• A New York Times reporter was rescued in Afghanistan, and we wondered why so many of them need rescuing.
• Let's buy Bernie Madoff's penthouse! But don't ask him for charitable donations—he's really tired of that shit.
• Melrose Place is back! So is Glee! One of the NYC Preps will not be back at prep school, though.
• Dressing like an asshole: always in fashion.
• Steve Jobs: still alive.
• Anna Wintour wrote stories about all the wonderful clubs she went to, in high school, along with the ones you might be able to get into. We remain obsessed with her origin story.
• Lovable Lesbian Comedian Ellen "Ellen" Degeneres will be our new American Idol judge, because she is nice.
• You can't work at Teen Vogue if you haven't seen Twilight. Just fyi. If you feel bad about that, feel free to leave Lindsay Lohan a voicemail.
• Fashion week! Models! More Anna Wintour! 9/11!
• Top Chef and Project Runway just continued on their merry way as if nothing was even happening.
• Yeah, and don't send us your fucking blog posts, either! Unless they're really funny and we need some material because it's a Friday afternoon or something.

• Who fathered Blanket? The world may never stop caring!
• Do you watch The Mad Men, on "American Movie Classics"? If so than you will enjoy this.
• Did you watch "The Election," on the Fox channel? If so, then Vanity Fair has a great article by a budding young journalist that you will enjoy!
• Do you write erotica? And are you a lady? You should probably not also be a South Carolina Republican.
• Are you a celebrity? Why not Twitter about that?
• Are you a lesbian? Go be on a reality show!
• Bad people. We like them on the TV but in real life they are not as lovable.
• Man, look at that stupid fatty. She should lose some weight, stupid fatty. But not too much weight because that would be gross too.
• God, on the "mildly time-intensive money-making scams you wish you thought of" scale teaching a college course on Twitter ranks up there with "getting elected governor of Illinois" and "being Malcolm Gladwell."
• Oh, hey, look at the professional behavior of those contractors in Afghanistan.
• The integrity of the Miss Universe judging process has come under suspicion.
• Diane Sawyer has booked a gig on the Dying Old Audience Express.
• Hey, more Levi news: he is going to take his clothes off for a website that used to be a magazine.
• No one likes Michael Cera anymore, he's too popular. But there is really not a great successor in the wings. Has anyone seen Pete and Pete's little Pete lately? He's still just hanging out in Williamsburg, right?
• Anna Wintour got burrrrrned in a lawsuit by Wolfgan Puck's wife!
• "The gum fairy" visited a New York-area married journalist and one of his lady reporters. Also they texted each other over and over again about how they were fucking, all the time. Young love! For old, married dudes!
• Speaking of young love for old, married dueds: Ashley Dupre is back! And she says you are all whores. And now all the ladies hate her.
• Tim Gunn wore flipfloips. On the beach! That is where they are appropriate, we guess. Who knows, LA sucks.
• More Levi: he is very useful for Sarah Palin's brand.
• If you want TV bookers to suck up to you, try being a publicly arrested elected official.
• Chairman MAOBAMA will force your children to listen to communist lies about staying in school.
• Dov Charney is sorry, illegals, but he has to let you go.
• Hey, crowd-sourced Samizdat. Let's make it happen.

• AMC got nervous about gayness on their television show Old-Timey Jerks Who Are Sexy.
• Vogue creative director Grace Coddington is the real star of that movie about Vogue, but it is Anna Wintour who gets to (has to?) go on the TV and pretend to be a human. She is almost as good at it as Meryl Streep is!
• Which of the various people taking all the mean, nasty fun out of the internet has the coolest office? And are any of them as cool as that that Chinese Ikea?
• Bernie Madoff got cancer! But then he got cured, maybe a couple days later. Who knows. If he doesn't have cancer then obviously Jewish Americans are not cursing him heartily enough, or with sufficiently comical Yiddish expressions.
• Oh man, Scientologists are fucking creepy and make us uncomfortable. Ugh.
• But, you know, most Scientologists are just victims. Victims like the lady who is suing Google because she got sued for calling someone a skank. But you know two people who are not victims? Those journalists who went and got themselves captured in North Korea! Why did they tell North Korea to arrest them? Why?
• God we totally wish we were homeless right now. We might get an internship!
• This guy named Tucker Max made a movie about fucking sluts. Hamilton didn't care for it!
• John McCain's heart doesn't seem to be in attacking Republican bogeymen anymore, but he's still at it.
• Also still at it: Mark Penn! He is using his horrible column in the Wall Street Journal to solicit clients for his horrible PR firm. But the Journal doesn't give a shit, because they are pathetic.
• We admitted how dumb we are, publicly.
• Dominick Dunne died.
• Print died, but some people were still suckling on its teat. It was gross.
• Oh look, a crazy creepy criminal had a blog and loved God.
• Top Chef and Project Runway shouldn't both begin their seasons at the same time. That is too many quirky and annoying personalities to sort through at once! But alas, there is nothing to be done. Top Chef kicked off an incompetent lady and Project Runway kicked off one of those terrible self-congratulatory artiste types.
• Soon your iPhone will augment reality, if "reality" for you is on a little screen in front of you.
• We're still waiting on that Grace Under Fire reunion. Why won't it happen already?
• Senator Ted Kennedy died. His life was a mess, but his positive influence on this nation is undeniable. It is a mixed-up legacy. And who will be the next important Kennedy? Who knows.

• We showed what Hollywood's B-list means by "a good hang," and also showed you (we censored it) Eric "McSteamy" Dane's wee-wee.
• Oh! Also we showed you Jennifer Aniston's (probably not) hoo-ha.
• Bernie Madoff's weiner was also in the news, on account of its smallness.
• Robert Novak died, and we spoke ill of the dead.
• The assault on America's mayors continued.
• We accused Rupert Murdoch of being a big fat liar about making people pay for news. His own people don't know it yet, but trust us: He's lying about something.
• Now you can calibrate your outrage over racial profiling using our handy chart. As for your outrage over homophobia—get over it. Just cause you're gay doesn't mean you're not an asshole.
• Annie Leibovitz is still screwed, and will probably file for bankruptcy.
• A bunch of old people tried to understand the Twitter, one after the other, on TV.
• Jackbooted thugs from the Department of Labor raided Ronn [sic] Torossian's PR firm to investigate workplace violations, and he bravely faced them down by pretending not to be Ronn [sic] Torossian.
• Fox News' road-raging bicyclist-dragger escaped justice, and his mustachioed victim spoke out for bicyclists everywhere. And Fox News' white-raging knuckle-dragger disappeared from the air just like his advertisers disappeared from his show, only to turn up at the Museum of Natural history.
• Oh, town halls. We will miss you when you go. At this one, a crazy lady yelled "Heil Hitler" at a Jewish guy, and we tried to figure out if wingnuts are for that or against that. We think both, maybe. At this other one, Barney Frank made up for the fact that he's a smug pointy-headed bastard by being a smug pointy-headed bastard. And then we found out his victim was a Lyndon LaRouche cultist.
• Serial journalistic fabricator and plagiarist Jayson Blair hung up his shingle as a life coach, and the Washington Post got a fake trend story out of it.
• We brought democracy to Afghanistan.
• And Project Runway returned, on a different channel.
• Anything else? It was August, so no, not really.

• The gays were so gay, this week. Levi Johnston married Kathy Griffin, because he is a gay icon. A Miami news anchor was fired either for being gay or for being a big ol' drama queen. Perez Hilton launched his lady-hating lady site. Cartoon characters were outed. There might even be gay Real Housewives!
• Thankfully, the straights were not entirely left out. Alex Von Fustenberg is very straight. Very aggressively straight! He will hit you, Reggie Miller.
• Oh, and Annie Leibovitz continues to spread chaos and disorder wherever she goes.
• And Lady GaGa might not be a lady! (She is a lady.) (The Rod Stewart thing is totally true though except it happened to Stevie Nicks and it was cocaine and it was in her vagina, which Lady GaGa doesn't have.)
• Don't ever fucking listen to cops, because all cops are liars. And don't show them your weed.
• Craigslist hookers are using secret codes, now.
• We can't wait for Law & Order to portray hipster grifters and victims!
• No one likes poor Sienna Miller.
• Conde Nast is running out of money, and so there is no more Orangina. Except at Graydon's place. He pays his mortgage in Oranginas, actually.
• Twitter is nothing but psychos and Martha Stewart violence porn.
• Ruth Madoff is innocent!
• Google thinks you are probably an Arab if you fly into JFK instead of LaGuardia.
• This is how the world ends.
• Someone's going to take a shot at Barack Obama, because he Spammed America, with Sarah Palin lies. It might even be one of these proud, patriotic Americans!

• First, we killed journalism. But we had help! From MSNBC, for example: they are infested with publicists. (Poor Keith! His mom died!) And Conde killed all their receptionists and bankrupted Annie Leibovitz. Oh and something killed Twitter.
• Journalism may be dead, but Fox lives on.
• The naked Wall Street guy was a guy from a movie, sadly.
• Poor Ruth Madoff! Poor everyone, this week!
• Wouldn't it be neat if someone got George W. Bush to admit how much of a stupid jerk he is, on the TV? Don't hold your breath.
• One man who is doing everything he can to save journalism is Glenn Beck, the most talented and charming man on television. He is famous for his hilarious "characters," like this week's "murderer of Nancy Pelosi" character.
• Paparazzi in DC! Paul Janka in Paris! Sarah Palin at Michael's! What a topsy-turvy world.
• Sherlock Holmes is maybe kinda gay, maybe.
• You know, Paula was crazy comic relief and far too nice to everyone and she mad overpraised all male contestants she was attracted to, but this is still sad news. Because she was not as useless as Randy and not as asinine and idiotic as the New One, and Simon's contempt and boredom and increasingly shameless pimping of contestants who fit into his anachronistic and UK charts-centric conception of pop is embarrassing.
• Scientology got new uniforms that would look great on sexy math nerds or unattractive American Apparel employees.
• The Green Party has the bomb.
• Bill Clinton rescued those ladies that Kim Jong-il kidnapped. It was pretty sweet.
• But no one will rescue Michael Cera from typecasting :(
• NBC fired the people whose job it was was to convince people to watch NBC. Journalism: saved?
• Movie-maker John Hughes died. The Youngs do not know that it was actually Not Cool to like him, in the '80s. But now we are grownups, and we can agree that Randy Quaid is hilarious.

• Dov Charney remained the creepiest motherfucker in retail. And 4Chan remained the creepiest fucking internet community on... the internet. But 4Chan has made us laugh more than Dov. They are adorable, like little Montauk Monsters roaming wild in Canada.
• The 911 call that got Henry Louis Gates arrested was released, and hey, it seems to maybe indicate that the police report—which many media outlets continue to treat as an objective record of the facts of the matter—had some "inaccuracies." But also, yes, we're sorry if we ever said the lady who called the cops was a racist. She was just vigilant, as rich people in fancy rich neighborhoods must always be. The cop is still a liar, though. Though we are supposed to say it was a misunderstanding between Two Good Men, in this post-beer summit era.
• Pour one out for Ben Silverman, who flew too close to the sun, and who also sucked at running a network.
• Funny People was almost only one half-hour too long, but thank god the studio caved.
• We noticed that Sarah Palin makes less and less sense every day.
• Speaking of people who make no sense: Fox News was all "Glenn Beck's opinions do not represent the opinions of Fox News." Does that mean Glenn Beck actually doesn't think Obama's a communist? Meanwhile, Fox & Friends, who—based on the title of their show—surely do represent the opinions of Fox News, think you are not a Real American, because you dislike Sarah Palin. (And on CNN, Anderson Cooper is giggling about hetero-sex.)
• Are either of your parents famous or rich? Good news: now you work for the Huffington Post! (Or The Daily Beast.)
• Pay a teenager to a make veiled reference to a movie before an audience of one graduating high school class? Yes, what a wonderful marketing idea, here is your zillion dollars.
• Paying the assistants of Hollywood agents as little as $10/hr may prevent talented young people from wanting to enter that important and world-bettering field. We must not allow it.
• If Anna Wintour wanted universal health care, we'd have it by now. She's that powerful.
• ABC Family's Greek is really gay, which we obviously mean as an endorsement.
• On the one hand, it's nice that Today didn't give Blago more attention. On the other hand, we would rather watch Blago do standup for an hour every night, in primetime, than ever see Jay Leno on a television again.
• Michael Jackson's annoying celebrity rabbi friend once asked Katie Couric to be one of Michael's celebrity friends! It didn't work out, though.
• Bloggers are bitchy and hate things. Tabloids lie. John Travolta is still a Scientologist.
• Annie Leibovitz sez everything must go! We wish she would sell her retouching software!
• Drunk, nearly nude man produces possibly inadvertent metaphor.
• Richard, and Tinsley, left us. It is all kinds of sad.

• OMG people would not shut up about Barack Obama's weird, mysterious birth. Did he come out of the sea borne on a giant shell? Was he found in an old tree stump burl kind of thing like in that Cranberries "Dreams" video? But most importantly who are these crazy people who buy into the crazy conspiracy theories? Oh dear. They are Lou Dobbs. Also they are sad lonely Delawareans. Give them their country back!
• Lydia Hearst was murdered this week (not really), as was Condé Nast, sort of. How will anyone survive that bloodbath?
• Alex Pareene finally launched his War on Space, while Cambridge police officers continued their war on black men sitting in their own houses.
• Speaking of crime! Even pretty white finance ladies are turning to the game to make ends meet. Pretty white politics ladies are possibly involved in malfeasance too! The world is upside-down! Even pretty white writer ladies have gone wild!
• Oh, phew. Some normalcy. The state of New Jersey is still massively corrupt. It's like being hugged by an old friend to read that news.
• TV shows: We watch them. No matter if they're about sad maybe-gay teenagers or sad maybe-crazy twentysomethings.
• Something happened with some sportscaster who was peeped while undressing in her hotel room and then everyone freaked out. Especially Bill O'Reilly, who just wants to watch the footage over and over again.
• The best/worst plot twist of all time was discovered this week, as was a tumor in a Beastie Boy's salivary gland. (That is actual sad news.)
• You know what TV stars do when they aren't on TV? They work in grocery stores. When they are filming TV shows, they actually spend most of their time running away from crazed zombie girls.
• No one understands what I mean when I say the word sad.
• Pat Buchanan is crazy. Also, unapproved commenters are crazy. (Srsly, read them in that post... Wowsers.)
• Anyway that's basically it! A quiet, sticky, muggy week. And my last full one. Tear! Goodbye Gawker Fridays!
• See you Monday.

• Sarah Palin quit her job because she was not very good at it. She is also not very good at writing editorials.
• Jared Kushner fired everyone from their jobs, and then he proposed to a Trump.
• Hey, our hypsersexualised, moronic future is here.
• Matt Drudge likes weird local news, and Politico.
• Obama's teleprompter broke, and despite that he was able to speak real words, in English and everything! But he still throws like a girl.
• Dash Snow died. And then he became an icon.
• Yahoo's CEO went on a vacation and demanded that everyone else, who didn't go on vacation, work extra hard while she was gone.
• Oh, boy, a book about how terrible Lizzie Grubman is, by her old assistant! Is it our BIRTHDAY?
• Debbie Rowe is having a little war with our own New York Post.
• Well, now we have finally seen Michael Jackson's head catch on fire.
• Hey, health care reform. That is a thing that might happen, someday! Or it might just die, like always.
• NYC Prep continued being a thing that existed. And Real World Cancun, too!
• Senator Al Franken told a joke!
• All the kids are dressing as wizards and getting drunk and posting pictures on Facebook, because it is 2009.
• Oh no, crusties have invaded Williamsburg and they're stealing our women!
• There are no good ways to get fired, but Newsweek is really trying to find the worst way.
• To be fair to the Emmy people, and to Family Guy, there really are only like three actually funny shows on TV right now.
• Is Twitter selling us out to the NSA? Yes, probably. They say they aren't, though!
• If poor people get health care, New York's "risk-takers" will all starve to death.
• Old man Letterman is finally winning in the ratings! Hooray for old people!
• You may no longer have a job, but on the plus side, you're no longer working for The Man!
• Megan Fox: should ladies love her? Men, on the whole, are kind of indifferent to her, we feel like, but she seems to rile you gals up something fierce.
• Models finally have a place where they can hang out with other models. Finally.
• Pat Buchanan still loves white people, fyi.
• Here is a tip: if you love your wife, don't run for Congress and live at the C Street house.
• Perez Hilton does not even write the terrible things he writes! So you cant' get mad!

• RFK and Jackie Kennedy were in love! And they're both dead so we can say that without getting in trouble. But no one is in love with Ruth Madoff, anymore. So she had to move under a bridge. At least she is not stuck in the violent third-world nation called "Williamsburg."
• Diablo Cody made a movie, about that robot lady, with the boobs.
• Michael Jackson was memorialized, over the objections of various Republicans.
• And why would Republicans object? Maybe because, like college students and Perez Hilton, they are all racists? Especially this terrible woman, with the Facebook. And, obviously, Brian Kilmeade.
• Why, oh why, did Sarah Palin quit Alaska? For 100 reasons, each as unique as a snowflake. But you will not hear any of them from your biased MSM!
• We changed how the comments work.
• Barack Obama looked at a lady's butt. Or so we all thought! It turns out that he didn't, really. But all the people who weren't invited to his little off-the-record party won't report that inconvenient truth!
• Everyone is gay, says everyone. And yet naked Bruno is not allowed on our magazine covers! (Though he is allowed to present our Top Ten lists.)
• Oh, speaking of, Borat is back!
• Have you ever wondered if, legally speaking, you are a promiscuous slut? Well, just wait for the New York Post to call you one, and then sue them. (Spoiler: you'll lose.)
• The NYC Prep mutants went to Mexico, and the Real World kids remained in Mexico, and a bunch of moguls hung out in something called Sun Valley, which we think is on Tatooine.
• Agyness Deyn and James Franco are lazy, regular-hipster celebrites for a new generation of not really giving a shit. God bless them.

• Bernie Madoff will be in jail for 150 years, but Ruth's only prison will be the prison of the mind, and the prison of whatever marginally less lavish home she ends up living in. The victims are still not very happy! But on the whole they have been pretty whiny about this whole thing.
• A woman with a vomiting pug claimed she was mistreated by a member of the NYPD. She did not end up dead, and she is not black, so surely there was more to this story. There was! She maybe called the cop various mean names, regarding his being a Jew. (She called him "Bernie Madoff.") Ray Kelly issued his standard there is no evidence that a cop did anything wrong response. Because this story involves both an entitled pug-owning Brooklyn blogger lady and a member of the NYPD we are guessing they both acted in ways well outside the bounds of socially acceptable behavior.
• Also being unreasonable and annoying, this week: authors! Specifically, Alice Hoffman, who used Twitter for evil
• And: Joe Jackson remains one of the world's worst living human beings, and he should probably be sent to jail for at least 150 years, for murder, basically. Slow murder. Of course if we were Geraldo, we would just call on him to be killed by an angry mob, or something! This is the same guy, this one calling for a child molester to be killed, who was very excited to replay his exclusive interview with his good friend Michael Jackson last week. Maybe America really should be nuked from orbit, by terrorists! It's the only way to to be sure.
• Oh, Vibe died this week. No one will ever pay anyone to write about music again, btw. So, hope you didn't want to do any of that.
• Look, more premium cable shows that we won't watch. (But Richard will!) And also there is this thing, about the children. It is enough to make you want to flee to Agentina, or Park Slope!
• Ok, but, if we nuke America, these people would survive. So we are reconsidering!
• Steve Jobs is alive! Moneyball is dead! Sarah Palin cannot stop lying!
• We agree: let's ban links. Especially links to Newser, and the HuffPo.
• Someone live-press released their date with John Ratzenberger. It was amazing.
• America is about to have a birthday!

• Oddball South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared to Argentina and then he revealed that he'd slept with a lady and then we all read his emails to the lady and then we learned her name.
• Anderson Cooper didn't come out and MSNBC got all dirty.
• We finally successfully non-ambushed Fox News but for some reason that didn't stop them from being just horrible all the time.
• Speaking of horrible all the time! Neda, the face of the Iranian Revolution, remained the single most depressing story of the month.
• And also speaking of horrible all the time! Perez Hilton got punched in the face for calling someone a "faggot," and while we are basically straight-up pacifists who believe that violence is never justified, that does not change the fact that the vile little prick brought this on himself, entirely, by being a miserable excuse for a human being.
• The Hamptons suck.
• Transformers sucks.
• Twitter sucks.
• People who post pretend non-paying media ads on Craigslist with poncey little "riddles" suck the most.
• Eh, this Tumblr book deal we are not so much worked up about.
• Who knew there was actually anything interesting about the people who invented Facebook? Well, interesting in a "made-up" way.
• America's new favorite game is Let's Humiliate Ruth Madoff. It is, to be fair, less risky than America's previous favorite game, "Let's Invest All Our Money With Bernie Madoff."
• Ok. Elisabeth Hasselbeck stole a book and Real Housewife Danielle "tested" cocaine. And we investigated What It Means that some kid who decided to be on a TV show is probably A Gay. And Richard watched that TV show! Boy, did he fucking ever. And then he watched The Real World and then MTV finally caved in and killed them all.
• One upon a time, a little boy tried to give a scary witch a magical flower, but she ran away, and the little boy was lost. But the Internet found him! He lived in a hallowed-out tree trunk, in England, with Lady GaGa. He was not sad about the mean witch, because he would rather meet Katy Perry.
• Michael Jackson, quite possibly the weirdest and most talented motherfucker on the planet, died this week. He was 50. And weird. This provided opportunities for more asking-for-it behavior from Perez Hilton, po-faced investigations into the national mood, and, of course, nonstop news coverage of salacious tabloid details. He will be missed, because for some reason everyone kinda thought there was maybe a chance he'd eventually get some small amount of his shit back together enough for him to produce good music, again. It's all pretty fucking sad. And if you think his music will someday overshadow his bizarre life, we'd just like to ask if you know how Elvis died.

• Everyone felt bad for poor Ruth Madoff, who can't afford fancy clothes or glasses anymore. Actually, she can't really do anything or go anywhere! It's sort of like a permanent staycation.
• Something crazy started going down in Iran, with like voting and riots and stuff, I don't know. What am I, a Farsi expert? Anyway, I think it was all caused by a raging Teresa Giudice! You're a prostitution whore, Mahmoud!
• Bruce Willis and his wife are gross and weird. As are these two bumfucks.
• Nobody likes David Letterman anymore, because he's so busy word-raping people all the time, so he keeps trying to say he's sorry. It's not working, though! If you are a word-raper of little Alaskan eskimo babies like David Letterman is, you probably shouldn't stay at the Anchorage Embassy Suites, nor should you eat at the lovely Olive Garden they've got across the parking lot there.
• Jon & Kate died this week. I'm sorry. The 8 are fine. 8's all we need. 8 is... Well, you know. Anyway, the Joels died too.
• Speaking of horrible moms, this crazy lady will shoot you if you give her kids Funyuns. But would she let the precious darlings eat from Michelle Obama's magic garden?
• This crazy Fox News guy will just run you over and never look back, but then get arrested.
• Oh! Crazy Fox News guys! That reminds me. Glenn Beck is a stupid fathead fake cry baby. But he is also very, very rich. Deal with it, America!
• Everyone's laughing because Bill Clinton got a sexy lap dance. His wife's friends are all just mad at Dave Letterman. Because of the raping.
• This exists, because the world is stupid. This exists because the world is also fun and mysterious.
• Oh, isn't it sad what happened to Very Short List? Isn't it also sad that you'll never sell that script?
• Hey, look.
• Hi Liz!
• Bye, Iz the Wiz.
• Why must Republicans always be sending racist emails? (And be cheating on their wives?) Why must Hamilton always ruin our drunken fun? And, most importantly, why must James Franco's sexuality be so confounding?
• We must bomb North Korea. Unless they get us first.
• OK, that's about it. It sure did rain a lot this week. Sigh. At least this is nice.