As much as we'd like to feign interest in who won this exercise in faux-journalistic stupidity, a mole tells us that the real buzz around Wenner is whether or not the show will air:

Then again, most of us could really give a rat's ass about the outcome of this contest. The general consensus seems to be that the contestants were a bunch of idiots who didn't know what to do when the cameras weren't rolling, and the MTV producers were intolerable pricks. Many of us don't think that the show will actually ever be aired, as we can't imagine how the footage could ever be edited down to the point of being even vaguely interesting. The rest of us are terrified that it'll take off & be successful, and the next logical step will be a contest for a group of idiots who want to be interns for US Weekly.

God forbid — unless it were hosted by Xzibit. Jann's been dying to get something pimped.

Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the Rolling Stone Reality Show

Theo Wenner [SelfPortrait, top listing]
Earlier: Children of the Ruling Class: Theo Wenner Assumes the Position

As we were saying, the Bard sophomore has been bouncing about the RS offices, cropping pictures of Chingy. The next issue of the mag features two of Theo's photos for short articles about Cassie and Ben Kweller; wonder if he's pissed that his big break was in such a lame magazine. Maybe Blender will take you next year, big guy.

Moving forward: let's see the MySpace and Facebook pictures. We trust you all to realize our dream.

An Intern With a Shot at the Top [Lowdown (2nd item)]

jessica was in a show called dark angel. she was featured on entertainment weekly, and that series was also on that cover. on the cover, dark angel appears as:

dark
angel

this forms the message gkel, and that was the name one of my professors at umass. i thought i did poorly on the first test, and wanted to quit. but i couldn't because it would have affected my financial aid. so i fought, and got an "A," one the very few students who did.

it was a great lesson, and the message is to not to quit, and to fight to make getting into US and marrying jessica a reality.

[...]

in the may 29, 2006 issue of us weekly, the editor tells readers that the date may 7th (5/7) is significant for various reasons. E is the 5th letter of the alphabet, and G is the 7th letter of the alphabet. therefore 57 becomes EG, or GE backwards.

the chairman of us weekly is jan wenner. her initials are JW.

jack welch, whose initials are also JW, was chairman of GE, and he became chairman/CEO in 1981, the year my soulmate was born.

[...]

examine the word "eggs." e is the 5th letter of the alphabet, and g is the 7th letter of the alphabet. and therefore, the word "eggs" becomes 57gs.

as mentioned in sign #47, 57 is significant to us weekly, and GS is pronounced "jes."

so the message is, is that us weekly (57) is going to put me in touch with jes.

[...]

57 is code for US weekly (because in the may 29, 2006 issue, the editor Janice Min tells the readers that the date 5/7 is very significant to US). so this is an example of how god encodes meaning. henceforth, the number 57 is code for US.

"0" looks like a circle which is a symbol of unity or marriage

28 is jessica's birthday

and i am god's #1

so the message becomes:

US weekly (57) marries #1 and jessica (28)

[...]

i'm going to talk about god (guide to...) but before i do that, i want to open up and talk about the future.

god represents infinite life and possibility. so does hollywood, so does US magazine. i'm well aware that if a person gets exposed to all this, then loses it, it's devastating. i don't use people, then discard them when i get what i want.

my intent with you, is to see you if you are interested in all this, and then after we meet and talk, commit to you. you might be thinking "if i help you, is this forever?" and the answer is yes, because i would never expose a person to all this then take it away from them.

i am trying to get on the staff of US and create something in hollywood that has never been done before. it's a new paradigm shift. and i need a team to do that, along with editor, janice min.

if we can talk, first through email and then in person, we can both get a feel if we want to work together. and if the answer is yes, then you can be my partner in making this a reality, and once it becomes a reality, our relationship is for forever. and i can make that promise, after i get a better sense of your personality.

in the beginning this was just about being with an actress. but what i realized over time, was that hollywood has the potential to be infinite life. it's a "life MATRIX." and the center of all that life, is US magazine.

i'll tell you what i want to do, soon. but if we can talk, and get a better sense of each other's personality, we can see if we want to work together. if the answer is yes, then we can be partners in making this a reality. i won't ask anything of you, until i get a better sense of who you are. then i can say "yes. this is for forever."

i'm aware that if you invest your spirit into something, you don't ever want to lose it. and this isn't some kind of financial investment, it's an investment of the heart. i know this, and that makes me very responsible towards the people i share this with.

jessica, US magazine has the potential to be infinite life!!!

did you see the movie miracle? it was about the USA Olympic hockey team beating the Soviets against impossible odds. and kurt russell plays their coach, herb, who leads them to that amazing victory.

he gave his team a psychology test, and i loved that so much. that's me. i'll give you a "psychology test" before i make you my partner (smile). then you can give me one, too.
then if we both want to work together, i'll commit to you forever. i would certainly not take this away from you after we win the gold...US magazine, Hollywood, is LIFE!!

god is like herb, and he wants to win the gold...i'll tell you about god (guide) in the next email...

hope you open up and talk to me...

Earlier: Gawker's Unwavering Coverage of Crazy Us Weekly Guy^TM

Now go enjoy the work of these skilled, young writers:

Forget Coachella and Bonnaroo: For real festival madness, try traveling all the way to Denmark for mainland Europe's biggest rock fest, the four-day-long Roskilde — where you can swim nude, fish (and have your catch cooked by pro chefs), play basketball, guzzle Tuborg and, oh yeah, rock out to 180 or so acts from Bob Dylan to Kanye West.

What? You were expecting Lester Bangs?

Live Review: Denmark's Roskilde Festival [RS]

A few more dazzling pictures after the jump.

[via aekituesday's Flickr]
Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the Rolling Stone Reality Show

Also amusing: when MTV and Rolling Stone were first developing the show, MTV's original pitch went something like this: "They'll all go out and try to land an interview with someone from the Warped Tour! And whoever gets the best interview or sleeps with the band gets their band on the cover! But then it's an ethical dilemma, because they slept with the band!" Oh, who cares about ethics? Everyone just wants to see AFI molest a pretty intern in the Vans tent.

Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the 'Rolling Stone' Reality Show

To be slightly fair, it's always fun to read rambling editor interviews, but rather than ask that you delve into all four pages of rehashed celebrity worship analyses, we'll summarize the article's main points:

• We have no real friends, only celebrities.
• People don't truly love any magazines except for Us Weekly.
• Celebrity weeklies render birth control useless.
• Jann Wenner says Us Weekly takes its cues from the bible.
• You take whatever job you are offered, even if it's at a celebrity rag.
• Brangelina only pretend to want privacy and capture interest by continually cockteasing us.
• By exploiting their personal lives, no-talents like Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey continue to exist.
• By exploiting her vagina, Kristin Cavallari existed for about "32 seconds."
• Us Weekly will slowly trick us into caring about Jennifer Lopez again.
• Nicole Kidman is too old for the cover.
• Tori Spelling, however, is not too ugly for the cover.

'Us' Editor Janice Min Dictates: In Raw Times, Jessica, Jen, Jolie [NYO]

Earlier: Gawker's Coverage of the 'Rolling Stone' Reality Show

If the Rolling Stone contestants are as smart as they would like us to think they are, they'll concoct themselves a similar Plan B. Quit early and in a glorious huff if things aren't going your way, but secure yourself post-show employment by saying that "meeting Jann Wenner was like meeting Judy Garland." He'd be a fool to let you go.

Atoosa's Altar [WWD]

In honor of the occasion, Wenner has installed a giant Rolling Stone sign on the front desk, even though Us Weekly and Men's Journal are on the same floor — just to make sure everyone has their priorities straight for the summer. Us and MJ staffers, your cubicles have been moved to the supply closet. Please get the fuck out of Jann's way.

Earlier: Are These Individuals MTV/'Rolling Stone' Reality Show Victims?

Other gossip related to the show: there might only be a handful of contestants, perhaps less than 12, and they won't be living together in an overly hip ikea-sponsored loft, a la Real World. Instead, they'll be living in apartments, more or less separately, just like real impoverished journalists. Except their studios probably won't be sprinkled with mouse shit.

Krys Jagger [MySpace]
Roscoe P. [MySpace]
Related: One girl's tale of being rejected by casting after the semi-finals.

MEMORANDUM

To: All Staff
From: Gary Armstrong
Date: June 6, 2006
Re: Rolling Stone & MTV Show
_____________________________________________
The Rolling Stone Show on MTV is underway...

The filming will officially begin on June 12th with a scheduled completion date in middle August. All employees will be asked to sign a general release for the show, this does not necessarily mean you will be on television, (note: for every 100 hours filmed only one hour will be broadcast). You will receive the release and a memo from our General Counsel, Dana Rosen shortly, explaining in more detail.

As the cameras will soon become a part of our daily routine, please conduct yourselves with a high degree of professionalism as you are representing Wenner Media.

MTV has requested that should you find yourselves in the middle of a shooting area

o Act as naturally as possible

o Avoid making eye contact with the camera

o Do not purposely get involved with the shooting

Under the experienced direction of MTV's crew, this project should prove to be both smooth and enjoyable for all.

Thanks in advanced for your cooperation.

If you have any question regarding the show please don't hesitate to call me.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
Gary Armstrong
Chief Marketing Officer Wenner Media
Rolling Stone - Us Weekly - Men's Journal

Janice min had a baby boy yesterday.
Her second.
He was not born in namibia and his name is not suri.
Mother and child are doing well.

Aw. Congrats, Janice, and glad to hear everyone's healthy. We're eager to hear what you decide to name the kid — Moses is nice — but we're even more curious about something else: Is Jann expecting you to close the issue tonight?

Earlier: Gawker's coverage of Janice Min.

The full sheet is after the jump.

Earlier: Jann Wenner Can't Always Get What He Wants (But, Presumably, He Gets What He Needs)

Went to the Rolling Stone Magazine 1,000 edition party you have been talking as of late. The press left fairly earlier and basically disgruntled (as I am sure Jann was) as more than half the invites did not show up. One person that did show up was Lisa Marie Presley, so it's a sure bet she must be recording and is looking for a magazine cover.

There were a few surprise guests, just like they said there would be; there was Jimmy Fallon, Colin Hanks (who gave me his gift bag), Adriana La Cerva, and some guy named Sebastian Bach, who brought a few porn stars with him. Debbie Harry and Ice-T came too.

I bet you're getting some emails about the party, but in case you need more stuff, I went to the RS 1000th party last night. It was pretty cool, very good open bar, and not as packed as I thought it'd be. We were even smuggled into the VIP section, but I feel like most people ended up there anyway. Celeb list as seen by me through many glasses of champagne: David Cross, Will Arnette, Jimmy Fallon, Marilyn Manson & wife Dita or whatever her name is, Ice-T & Coco, David Byrne, Nick of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Seth Meyers, Solomon Burke (performed), Lou Reed (performed w/Strokes), Eddie Vedder (performed w/Strokes, damn he's tiny), the band Wolf Mother (Wolfmother? I don' know, they're Australian), John Sykes of MTV... I'm probably leaving people out, but like I said, champagne-induced memory loss. And unlike the RS staffers, I don't have the day off.

Of course, Jann was there, looking very happy, accepting all pats on the back and congratulations. I heard he sang onstage before we got there, and we missed it. Bummer. The gift bags had a copy of the 1000th in it and like, Butterfinger Stix. I didn't take one because there were about 4 mangled ones left by the time it was over.

Oh yeah, Chris Wilson was there too. Woooo.

Lucky me, as a caterer at the RS1000 I got to be a fly on the way in one of the city's most overhyped parties.

So right of the bat, we lowly caterers were briefed on all things Jann. A Google Images printout of Jann was passed around the room and we were informed to "remember this face, if this man wants anything, you get it for him. He runs this place."

For the party, the floor at Hammerstein was divided into two sections, VIP and VVVIP. The VVVIP section, fresh with velvet ropes and security, was the two-thirds closest to the stage. There were about a dozen tables set up right in front of the stage, and behind the tables Target (sponsor) had set up a lounge. The lounge was a 30x30 area with white carpet and all white sofas surrounding the two large throne-like bright red velvet wingback chairs in the middle. Those were, as our straight-man supervisor said using fingerquotes, reserved for Jann and "his (insert fingerquote) partner (end fingerquote) or whatever."

The losers in VIP were forced to stand around the back third of the room near the entrance. VIP really didn't include anyone famous, just a bunch moochers hanging around scrounging for food and free drinks. The stage was barely visible from here, but VIPs had a perfect view of the 'A-listers' like... um... Lisa Marie Presley, Marilyn Manson, and Bette Midler partying inside the ropes. Superstar David Cassidy and Extra! TV Correspondent Tanika Ray (with the big hair) were also in the VVVIP Section.

Chris Wilson of the New York Post was not.

Jann of course was a VVVIP. But he nor his "partner" ever sat in their red thrones. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw Jann he was dancing by himself during the Strokes set, diminutive, presumably drunk, and covered in Mardi Gras-style beads. (True)

Only Paul Schaffer (baldie from the Late Show) and his band and The Strokes performed. Eddie Vedder (yum!) and Lou Reed came on with the Strokes, who weren't that bad if you like sloppy guitar and slurred words. In case you care, the Strokes are all still tall, and skinny, and have better hair than the rest of us. Amanda de Whatever (the guitarist's girlfriend) was rocking out in convulsions to the set, definitely pregnant and showing.

The gift bags were lame and could've been bought at Duane Reade: A Heineken cap, a Butterfinger, that weird 3D Technicolor RS issue thing, and a coupon for a free 7UP.

The party its self was, excuse the word, lame. Rich people get rude when they're drunk and become even worse dancers. The room stank of weed (not always a bad thing), and was in desperate need of ventilation.

Here's what I remember of the "real" celebrities:
Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese
That SNL crowd: Amy Poeler, Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Seth Meyers & Co.
Diane von Furstenberg
Bette Midler
David Cassidy
Nick from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Scott Ian from Anthrax
Lisa Marie Presley
Ethan Hawke

God, I think that's it. Sad. There wasn't a Lohan, Richie, or Olsen in sight.

From: Trimble, Amanda
Sent: Friday, April 21, 2006 6:06 PM
To: RS - Art; RS - Editorial; RS - Photo; Amanda Griscom (E-mail); Barry Walters (E-mail); Ben Wallace-Wells (E-mail); Bob Dreyfuss (E-mail); Dave Kushner (E-mail); David Lipsky (E-mail); David Wild (E-mail); Eric Boehlert (E-mail); Erik Hedegaard (E-mail); Evan Wright (E-mail); Gavin Edwards (E-mail); Jeff Goodell (E-mail); Jeff Tietz (E-mail); Jenny Eliscu (E-mail); Jeff Sharlet (E-mail); John Colapinto (E-mail); Josh Green (E-mail); Kim Sevcik (E-mail); Mikal Gilmore (E-mail); Neil Strauss (E-mail); Paul Solotaroff (E-mail); Rob Sheffield (E-mail); Steve Knopper (E-mail); Steve Morgenstern (E-mail); Tim Dickinson (E-mail); Rich Cohen (E-mail); Paul Solotaroff (E-mail)
Subject: Regarding 1000 RSVPs

Hey everyone,

Sorry to bug you about this again, but I've been instructed that instead of e-mailing your RSVP to that address I gave you before, you should instead > e-mail ME about the party.

...and on that note, if you DID e-mail that other address, that's fine too. This is just for those of you who have yet to RSVP.

Thanks again,
AT

So maybe it's just the folks "working so hard for" the party — i.e., the marketing kids — who weren't invited?

Earlier: 'RS' Employees Not Invited to Their Own Party?

Naturally, this is unconfirmed, but not altogether unbelievable, either. Anyone know anything more? Do tell. For all we know, Jann could've just uninvited those with cluttered workspaces.

But one potential problem (well, on top of all the obvious ones): You'll have to know shorthand. Jann's old-school that way.

Executive/Personal Assistant: Wenner Media, LLC [HotJobs]

And, frankly, so long as that one has a buff, barechested guy on the cover, too, we'll be fine with it.

Us Weekly

WSJ: You have a reputation for being intently focused on neatness — so much so that your employees get memos on the subject. But creative people often thrive in chaos. Why are you so interested in the condition of a staffer's desk?

Mr. Wenner: Well, I'm a neat freak....It seems to me that an orderly desk is reflective of an orderly and organized mind, you know? And there's a level of immaturity to people who just can't clean up after themselves. And I don't think it has anything to do with creativity. We and I have done a great job managing creative people and getting the best out of creative people, so I don't think that my obsession with neatness matters.

And God forbid he hand he reins over to someone who can't appreciate the functional beauty of a rotary desk organizer or, worse, doesn't know how to make sweet love to a well-dusted file cabinet.

Questions for... Jann S. Wenner [WSJ]

No need to thank us, Jann and Matt.

(Also: Mazel tov!)

After the jump, the final tallies.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Earlier: Name Jann's Kid: Chose or Lose!

Meantime, deepest apologies that the Name-Their-Kid poll hasn't been working for much of the day. There have been some server problems — why should today be different from all other days? — but we're told they're now resolved. So if you haven't already, go vote on a name for Jung Wenner. "Ennis" is comfortably on top, as it were, among the boys' names, but it's a neck-and-neck race on the girls' side. Will she be little Hunter Wenner? Or Miss Jan Wenner? It's all up to you.

(Due to service outages, we'll keep the polls open until at least midday tomorrow.)

Ea