• Britney Spears has supposedly been offered the sum of $14 million for a three-to-five books about herself over the course of a decade. And yet she still tips poorly.
• MSNBC hottie Dan Abrams is now dating Renée Zellweger. The shady influence broker's conquests have included Elle Macpherson.
• Lindsay Lohan is going to try posing sexy in a New York magazine again and see if it takes her anywhere interesting. [Sun]
• Chesley Sullenberger, the hero pilot, enjoyed a low-key inaugural celebration at a DC restaurant called (yes) Hudson with fellow crew members. [P6]
• Joaquin Phoenix continued to be a train wreck, flashing a Las Vegas crowd through his corduroy pants and yelling at a documentary crew.
• Jude Law wasn't about to go to the Box without his "protective collar." [P6]
• Animal-hoarding monster Paris Hilton was somehow given an award by the Humane Society. [E!]
• Wesley Snipes can't even get free headphones at Sundance without somebody trying to snitch him out for tax evasion. [P6]
• Paula Abdul invented dancing with cartoon animals in music videos. She also invented Beyonce. And Rihanna. And pop music itself. You're welcome. [Showbiz Spy]

Cocaine-snazzled actress Lindsay Lohan, who is now a gay person dating a gay woman who deejayed at the bash. Odious "actress" and model Mischa Barton (who, OK, was born in England, but she made her money here). Tax-dodging half-vampire Wesley Snipes. Too-bored-to-ever-know-where-she-is fashion plate Mary Kate Olsen. I guess things here in the patriotic old US of A got a bit too messy for them, a bit too elbow-greasy. So they flit on over to some twirling, towering desert city of steel and glass where the champagne still flows and the hotels are tacky and people still have the energy to celebrate it all. Fair-weather Americans if you ask me.

While the country burns—literally and figuratively—these folks spent how much on dresses (and, um, banana-yellow suits in the case of Mr. Snipes), to go fete it up in the Middle East and had the audacity to smile?? Well I hope they like it over there in Terrorist Disney World, because they aren't allowed back here.

All images via Getty

After all, they argue, Snipes dropped the Bobs after they urged a "good-faith" offer to defray his tax debt on three misdemeanor charges — unprecedentedly dropped from the original six counts for his nonpayment from 1999 to 2005. The actor's rejection of the deal (at least until he showed up with $5 million in personal checks on the day of his sentencing) set the attorneys up to have their historic cake and eat it, too.

And to hear Bernhoft and Barnes tell it, it's a delicious cake; if only there were government-stiffing action stars in their native Milwaukee to share it with. Next stop: Malibu, where they've already roped in Girls Gone Wild kingpin Joe Francis, who faces 10 years in prison if convicted next spring of felony tax evasion. And from there? The gutter is apparently the limit:

“If you’re an oligarch in Moscow, you need a driver and a bodyguard,” Barnes says. “If you’re a mogul in Hollywood, you need a consigliere. That’s what we will be.” [...]

Barnes predicts that within 18 months, high-end California clients will make up half the firm’s business; in three years, he says, that portion will be two-thirds. Whereupon the firm’s epicenter will shift from a warehouse in Milwaukee to a deck in Malibu. “We want it to be like the patio in Boston Legal,” Barnes says, citing the TV series about stogie-savoring, nightcap-drinking litigators who often retire to a rooftop patio to mull their cases.

Clearly these men are newcomers to town, but at least they have a specialty. And that's all a couple old whores need in the end, anyway. Welcome to Hollywood!

• Hollywood or Bust! [Portfolio]

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

• Oh, hey, Republican Mayor Michael Bloomberg might stop snapping at people long enough to play a thinly-veiled, self-mocking George W. Bush in a Broadway play. [P6]
• Anna Wintour didn't like going to South Beach for a Karl Lagerfeld show because it made her sweaty, displeased and "miserable." Sort of like Carine Roitfeld.
• Rapper MIA is only allowed to remain in the U.S. for a few more weeks, so she's considering marrying Kanye West. It's either that or Montreal. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Nicole Kidman said ex-husband Tom Cruise has turned their kids against her. They didn't even visit on Mother's Day. [Showbiz Spy]
• Wesley Snipes enjoyed his remaining freedom at a party in East Hampton. [Rush & Molloy]
• If you snub Harvard's request for your official archives, the university will get ahold of your unofficial sexytime archives. Norman Mailer's estate learned this the hard way. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston secretly hooked up with John Mayer three months ago. See? It's totally normal for her to be this affectionate. So she's NOT BEING CLINGY, DAMMIT. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell has to return to the Heathrow police station in London to learn whether she will be formally charged with assaulting a police officer. As though slowly going bald wasn't punishment enough.
• One reason you shouldn't attack paparazzi, even if you're insane, basketcase singer Amy Winehouse: They will then publish awful, awful pictures of your "ravaged... heavily scabbed" skin.

Snipes had been set to surrender to federal prison authorities during the first week of June to begin serving his sentence, and prosecutors had earlier vowed to oppose any request to allow him to remain free pending an appeal.

U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges wrote that he was "dubious" of Snipes appeal arguments. But Hodges agreed to bail, noting that Snipes otherwise could easily serve his entire sentence before a decision could be reached on his appeal.

The news was instantly followed by an FBI-issued APB to all U.S. law-enforcement agencies, informing them that the Snipes-Flight Threat Level Advisory had just been elevated to red: Severe Risk of Hauling Ass. Additionally, airport security personnel across the country have been faxed a recent photo of the actor taken from his official website, and instructed to instantly detain anyone bearing even a passing resemblance to the actor, and who may or may not be journeying towards asylum in Iran where Passenger 57 has been adopted as an unofficial second religion.

• Wesley Snipes gets bail pending appeal in tax case [Reuters]

1. Chuck Norris didn't care enough. We already know that Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson did their parts to reinforce Snipes's character as zero hour. But what did Chuck Norris do besides simply lend his name to his karate-school business partner's half-assed statement of support?

Chuck Norris admires and respects Wesley Snipes which is why he has used him in two of his Total gym infomercials. We, in the martial arts, say making mistakes is how you learn to go forward and be a better person.

It's also how you get your ass kicked in Chuck Norris movies and federal court.

2. Judge Joe Brown is no substitute for sound legal counsel. TV Judge Brown was another of the allies mined for sentencing support, offering to his colleagues on the bench this acknowledgment:

If I might be indulged by pointing this out, your defendant is a person possessed of an enormous appeal to today's youth. In this context, he is uniquely capable of having a very positive impact upon them with the positive message of duty and obligation that he has consistently urged upon and for them. I would propose to you that he should be permitted to persue [sic] such aims with as little penal encumbrances as is [sic] possible and appropriate.

Everybody knows that "today's youth" neither A) watch Wesley Snipes films nor B) pay enough taxes for the IRS to "persue" their own prosecutions. What Snipes needed was a massive fruit basket from Judge Judy and/or a glowing Raymond Burr himfuckingself to come down from heaven and sonorously intone, "Do not imprison this fine, noble, beautiful young man." Now that's a defense.

3. When bribing the judge with $5 million, use small, untraceable bills — not checks. According to a report in the Ocala Star-Banner, defense attorney Daniel Meachum "deposited three envelopes containing $5 million in checks with the judge." The symbolic gesture was meant to suggest Snipes was ready to pay up. Alas, the checks were payable to the US Treasury and not "Hon. William Terrell Hodges." Thus the judge declined, and mere hours later Snipes was up the river for three years. Whatever happened to briefcases full of cash dropped casually in the judge's chambers? I mean, it's Florida — they stole a presidential election. Maybe Snipes needed to be made an example of after all.

• Movie Stars Can't Save Wesley Snipes From Prison [US News]

• Actor Wesley Snipes sentenced to 3 years in prison [Ocala Star-Banner]

Snipes was not required to surrender immediately; rather, he will begin his sentence at a later date after turning himself in closer to his home in New Jersey. Naturally, per Passenger 57, we're betting on black and predicting Snipes' prompt defection to Europe, where he and fellow expat fugitive Roman Polanski will eventually team up on Blade 4: IRSlayer.

• Snipes Gets Maximum Sentence [WETH]

While Washington's effectively likens Snipes to a tree (but not the Ficus, a genus forever associated with unlawful tax-evasion), it's Harrelson's moving testimonial that managed to lodge a lump in our throats: The actor relays the events of his first professional film gig, on 1986's Wildcats, during which he, Goldie Hawn, and a number of other high-ranking followers of the Nation of Islam first experienced the ugliness of reverse-racism. Before things could get ugly, however, Snipes stepped in to offer a pacifying lecture on Bigotry Throughout The Years. Or something to that effect.

• Woody And Denzel On Wesley [The Smoking Gun]

Cage's business manager contends that such expenses are "customary in the entertainment industry," to which Hollywood has responded with a resounding "Fuckin' A!" When it's all said and done, the IRS wants Cage to pay back a total of $1,802,000. Assuming he doesn't have that kind of coin stuck between his couch cushions, we fully expect to see Cage sign on for a new installment of National Treasure, one in which he risks life and limb to recover falsified 1040 forms from the secret IRS vaults that prove once and for all that Herbert Hoover cheated on his taxes.

• Remake Of Con Air? [Forbes.com]

[Fox Orlando]

• Snipes acquitted of tax fraud, conspiracy [CNN.com]

The return of stolen funds CANNOT be called a "refund," because the I.R.C. doesn't address what to do with illegally withheld or STOLEN earnings, not does it call such funds "refunds."

Whatever the case is, thank you for taking the time to educate me and help me comply with what the letter of the law requires, which has always been my sincere desire as a patriotic, law-abiding, repsonsible American like yourself who is simply trying to lawfully disassociate with what I regard as a corrupted, lawless, unaccountable oppressor of our constitutionally protected rights, in fulfillment of my, Natural, and First Amendment right to disassociate. [NYT]

On The View this morning, the ladies were without their fearlessly stentorian leader, Baba Wawa. Whoopi, the de facto boss when Babs isn't around, was so emboldened by the absence of Miss Walters that she decided to bring up the fact that Wesley Snipes has called the septugenarian slurrer as a witness in said tax evasion case. Don't believe us? Watch the clip. Hot Topics, whoo!

• Wesley Snipes: All Kinds Of Crazy [THE SMOKING GUN]

In a motion to dismiss an eight-count indictment filed last October, Snipes argues that he is the victim of selective prosecution. Snipes points to the fact that his two "Caucasian" codefendants, Douglas Rosile and Eddie Kahn, have not been charged with failure to file tax returns...

Snipes, who was hit with six felonies for failing to file between 1999-2004, contends that the half-dozen counts were "impermissibly [sic] brought on the basis of Mr. Snipes' race" and should be "dismissed based on selective prosecution."

We doubt Snipes desperate attempt at stirring up some race-baiting controversy will win him much sympathy from the courts, as the actor has submitting a claim so incendiary and outlandish that not even Al Sharpton would touch it with a ten-foot megaphone. No, if it's hard jail time he's seeking to avoid, the actor should have chosen to instead go through legitimate celebrity justice avenues, and quietly plea-bargained for a reduced sentenced. (Which, of course, would ultimately be tossed after a couple of nights, with wardens patiently explaining about the hidden costs of keeping a high-profile prisoner such as Snipes, who could unleash his kick-ass, demi-vampire martial arts skills on the other inmates at any given moment.)

• Wesley Snipes Plays Race Card [thesmokinggun.com]

• Previously: White Men Can't Jump, But They Can Write A Pretty Good Tax Evasion Indictment [Defamer]

· We're not sure what possessed Gawker's video-editing guru to throw together a clip of Conan O'Brien dancing and set it to "Monster Mash," but it's easily more frightening than anything you're going to see on their upcoming Skelevision episode—even Larry King accurately represented as nothing but suspenders and exposed bones.
Namibia: Now not only celebrity-childbirth friendly, but celebrity-fugitive friendly.
· We tend to ignore California politics, mostly because we fear that this attack ad is less insane than what Schwarzenegger's people will come up with in the nex two weeks.
· TVGasm has obtained exclusive footage of Isaiah "Dr. McChokey" Washington's recent Grey's Anatomy blow-up, which we previously did not realize included the use of automatic weapons.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie's recent reconciliation seems to have involved the transfer of Hilton's mystery assflap to her skeletal pal.