Several states are reporting deaths, power outages, and record-breaking temperatures as summer storms ravage the Mid-Atlantic area of the country.

Last night, Obama's main opponent in the West Virginia Democratic primary was perennial presidential candidate Keith Judd, a prisoner in Texas who describes himself as a "Rastafarian-Christian." But Judd did a little bit better than expected — to the tune of 40% of the vote. Which means it's time to start answering…

Black Friday shoppers at a West Virginia Target did not allow collapsed-and-dying man Walter Vance to disturb their holiday shopping experience. They simply walked around or stepped over him, before somebody else swept up all those cheap towels and soap dishes.

Thank God the Senate was finally able to kill those jobs so quickly! Now the nation's top senators can return to the usual business of using their elevated positions to funnel money and prestige to institutions in their home states.

West Virginia's acting governor, Democrat Earl Ray Tomblin won tonight's special gubernatorial election despite the fact that, according to his opponent, he loves Obamacare, loves it so much he wants to gay-marry it. There'll be another election in 2012. [AP]

Gay men always get stereotyped as being drama queens while the lesbians escape the rap. Well, let's look at the case of Angela DeHart, the lesbian car thief who boosted a hearse with a body in the backseat. This crazy story will change the stereotype.

Some (different) people are so convinced that Wi-Fi and mobile phones are making them sick that they're moving to West Virginia's 13,000 square-mile U.S. Radio Quiet Zone, which has no wireless technology so as to avoid interfering with the local telescope. Hey, if Wi-Fi makes trees sick, why not humans?

We've got a happy update to the most important story of 2011! (You know, the cross-dressing guy who (allegedly) killed his neighbor's goat while high on bath salts.) A charitably-inclined couple bought the victimized family a new goat. Named Trixie!

Police in Charleston, West Virginia, found Mark Thompson wandering around the woods in a bra and panties and covered in the blood of his neighbor's pygmy goat, which he had killed in his bedroom. He had been high on "bath salts" for three days.

West Virginia Senator-elect Joe Manchin, the only Democratic candidate this year to literally shoot a Democratic bill with a gun for a campaign ad, is receiving Republican offers to switch sides now. Don't you want to play for winners, Joe?

West Virginia Rep. Nick Rahall, a Christian of Lebanese descent, has naturally been accused of loving the terrorists all election season. Here's his opponent's latest attack: "Nick Rahall: good for the Middle East, good for Obama — bad for America."

A lady fainted during Bill Clinton's remarks at a rally for trigger-happy West Virginia Senate candidate Joe Manchin today. Clinton very modestly said that he's too old now to make gals swoon, but c'mon: he'll privately take credit. Video below.

West Virginia's Democratic governor Joe Manchin is extremely popular in his state but is still trailing the Republican in his Senate race, because it's 2010. What to do? Maybe go into the woods and shoot climate-change bills, with a rifle?

Today's Malden, West Virginia update: Eddie Campbell, 61, was arrested for masturbating on a bench in a public park on Sunday morning. He was accompanied by an armless mannequin. This concludes your Malden, West Virginia update. [WSAZ via]

West Virginia's governor will appoint this 36-year-old sexpot, Carte Goodwin, to temporarily fill the late Robert Byrd's Senate seat. Goodwin, over half-a-century younger than Byrd, is a local ruling class scion, hence the fancy rich-person name "Carte." [Photo: AP]

[Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Bill Clinton and half of the U.S. Senate dutifully attend Sen. Robert Byrd's memorial service today at the Charleston, West Virginia state capitol. This is totally screwing up their four-day weekend plans. Image via AP]

The problem with exit poll data that shows that Clinton voters won't back Obama in November (or vice versa) is that the voters are being polled seconds after voting for someone some pollster tells them is a loser. So it should always be taken with a grain of salt. Except in West Virginia, obviously, where we're pretty…