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health
Stop Smoking and Kill Yourself
You should stop smoking, doctors say. Here, we have medications to help you stop, doctors say. But oh—these medications could make you kill yourself. What the hell is science good for? More » -
science
Die Young and Pretty or Old and Fat?
In the cave man days, everyone wanted to be fat, because fat represented valuable stored calories. Now nobody wants to be fat, because it makes you die faster, and you'll never be a sexxx icon. What changed? Science knows! More » -
Behind you!
Just Give Up: Sharks Are Serial Killers
Great White Sharks are exactly like Jeffrey Dahmer except they have fins and swim in the ocean and use their jagged gaping jaws as weapons, says a new report from scientists who were never heard from again. More » -
That's what they all say
You Drink Moderately For Your Health. Ha.
You, the sweaty awkward one: you look like the type that desperately justifies your daily drinking. Science says it's good for your heart or your mind or something, right? Wrong! Lush! More » -
science
It Is Impossible to Convince the Bitters That Barack Obama Is Not a Muslim
10% of Americans still believe Barack Obama is a Muslim. And here is the fun bit: a new study suggests that attempts to correct that misperception only reinforce it. More » -
Shut Up, Twitter
Science Confirms: Twitter Dominated by Self-Obsessed Dudes
Harvard has looked at the data and two studies have reached an unavoidable conclusion: Self-absorbed loudmouth guys have overrun Twitter like no other place on the internet. You probably figured. But now there are numbers. More » -
Sexy science
'Abuse Me,' Plead Scientists
Horndog scientists are studying sexual sex fantasies of men and women and they've come to some startling conclusions: We all want to be dominated like dirty animals. But only if you want us for our sexiness! More » -
health
Coffee, Cigarettes, Alcohol: A Balanced Diet
Good news: Coffee's not bad for you! Bad news: Unless you smoke when you drink it. But, good news: if you're an alcoholic you must drink coffee! More » -
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science
Shrewd Teens Drink to Fall Down
The authorities tried to help kids drink responsibly by putting the exact alcohol content right there on the bottle, but—to their dismay—kids just use this valuable information to get more fucked up: More » -
trendwatch
Hippie Biological Warfare
If it makes you feel any better, the new trend is hippies breeding new strains of deadly viruses in their closets: More » -
science
Jeff Bezos Wants Your Baby's Brains
What will Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos do next, after launching his grand Kindle swindle on the newspapers? He's aiming to get inside your offspring's heads! More » -
man vs. machine
A Computer That Answers Questions! What Will They Think of Next?
Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings is challenging IBM's Watson supercomputer. It's a replay of Big Blue's chess contest against grand master Garry Kasparov, but on an Alex Trebek-run battlefield. More » -
dumb
The Wrigley Science Institute (as in makers-of-Doublemint) announced that chewing gum makes you smarter.
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facts
More Alien Proof
A former Apollo astronaut says that aliens have visited Earth! He's just a well-known lone nut, you say? Well what about this NEW PLANET they found right next door, hmmm? More » -
Shut up, brain
Twitter's Brain API Was Inevitable
A University of Wisconsin researcher posted a 23-character message to Twitter using his brain — instead of the random muscle spams that have been customary on the microblogging service until now. Breakthrough! -
23andme
Mrs. Google's Science Project Not So Scientific, Say Actual Scientists
23andMe, the Google-backed genetic-testing startup run by Anne Wojcicki, the wife of Google cofounder Sergey Brin, has everyone from Rupert Murdoch on down spitting into test tubes at parties. Too bad it's useless! More » -
Shut Up, Twitter
Science Proves the Obvious: Twitter Users Are Evil and Wrong
Is Twitter amoral? Scientists have probed the issue, but the answer is obvious: Of course it is. It's a blank slate, by design — empty of values except for the cultish worship of the now. More » -
theories
Big Psychology Nerd Talks 'Snark'
Only boorish, unqualified loudmouths like bloggers and David Denby have weighed in on the world's most grating question, "What's with all this snark?" Until now! An actual psychologist has a theory. More » -
dude
Weed Cures Cancer!
Tetrahydrocannabinol has been demonstrated to induce human glioma cell death through stimulation of autophagy! That means that weed totally cures cancer. Dude. More » -
science
'Burning Vagina' Only Downside to Awesome Penis Spray
Men who lasted less than a minute in bed have to endure a whole rigamarole of counseling, anti-depressants, fix the underlying problem yadda yadda whatever. Not anymore, because now there's a miracle numbing spray. More » -
the real issues
Senators Demand to Know Whether Government Employees Can Access Asianbabes.com
Two of your US Senators—2% of the total—are using their time in office to get to the bottom of all these National Science Foundation employees looking at porn, at work. Cam sex justice!' More » -
advertising
Science: You Love Commercials
Pop culture scientists are now telling us that commercials actually make television more enjoyable. "The findings are simultaneously implausible and empirically coherent." That's what I'm saying! But we have detected some wackiness in this study: More » -
language
Words to Kill So 'Dirty' May Live
Academics remove themselves to ivory towers to puzzle over hard problems. But their isolation sometimes leads to hilarious results — like the discovery that "bad" and "dirty" are endangered linguistic species. More » -
science
Drunk Girls Will Get Cancer
Well I reckon if they found out that jerking off gives men cancer, then it's only fair that they also found out that drinking gives women cancer. Thanks science! More » -
science
The Web Will Kill Us All, Unless We Take a Walk in the Park
Will Facebook give us cancer? Not if we browse it on an iPhone in the park! Such is the pseudoscience of health and the Internet. More » -
science
Rich are Rude, Poor are Nice. But Still Poor.
Have you always thought that rich people are jerks? Perhaps that's because of the fact that science has just proved: Rich people are jerks. More » -
facts
Scientology Proves: Psychiatrists Caused 9/11
Why do Scientologists hate psychiatry so much? Who cares, it just makes them look amusingly craz(ier). In this clip from a cheapo Scientology TV show, a real Scientology doctor proves that psychiatry caused 9/11!: More » -
science of love
Foreplay: Unnecessary
Will the wondrous advances of science never cease? Ladies and gentlemen, a new study has proven that foreplay is totally unnecessary. Just dive right in! More » -
psychology
New York Times Subtly Bans Creativity
Colors aren't just for looking at. They're also for making your brain do things! Science has produced a breakthrough new study about how colors can make reporters stop screwing around and get to work: More » -
science corner
If You Have No Friends, Blame Your Parents
The way the world works, you are either cool and have 600 Facebook friends, or you are worthless and only have 40. But it's not your fault. Science says it's genetic. More » -
science
Study: Jerking Off Now Will Kill You Later
Will scientists ever stop destroying our lives? We're sorry to report, men, that according to a new study, masturbating throughout your 20s and 30s will totally give you cancer. More » -
drugs
You Can Still Afford to Take Your Dream Trip
Economy got you down? Can't afford your precious mushrooms or acid tabs anymore? Well, fear not. The keys to your next hallucinogenic high are right in front of you. In coffee! And ping-pong balls. More » -
love is dead
Drugs Are The New Anti-Love
Love scientists, fresh off the discoveries that Axe Body Spray and liquor will help you get laid, have helpfully confirmed that "love" is simply an annoying chemical reaction. Which can now be blocked! More » -
sexiness
Axe Proven To Help Dumb Men Attract Mates
A landmark actual new scientific study has discovered that, yes, Axe Body Spray can help you get laid. But opening your stupid mouth could render the sickly juvenile aphrodisiac worthless. More » -
from the lab
Science Report: Coke Makes You Annoying, Alcohol Makes You Horny
Thankfully scientists, finished with curing widespread disease and prolonging life, have turned to important studies. Two new endeavors prove two shocking facts: snorting coke makes people annoying, and drunk people like to fuck. More » -
vice
OMG! Are You Worried About Third-Hand Smoke?
We love to ingest smoke the old-fashioned way: straight into our lungs. Second-hand smoke will do in a pinch. But third-hand smoke? What kind of smoking hysteria is that? -
laptop chat
Obama Takes Strong Stance in Belief in Gravity, Al Gore
With two wars, a looming depression and a nation defined by anxiety and fear, Obama has a pretty tough job. But there is one easy part: he can remind us he's not George Bush. -
science
You're One Truffle Away from Wanting All the Things You Can't Have
What is it, exactly, that makes people unwisely crave luxury goods? Now we know: it's chocolate truffles. Science has proven it!: More » -
what we need more of is science
Obama's Environment Team Will Solve Global Warming With LASERS
Barack Obama has chosen a two-term EPA head, an experimental physicist known for LASER experiments, and some woman from New Jersey to fix the environment. More »







































