She's Not the Bad Guy: Erin Kaplan Clears Her Name
by Betsey Morgenstern
PRWeek.com

Have you heard of Elle magazine? Well, of course you have since it's been a knockout on the newstands for years as well as the main prize for winners of America's Next Top Model and Project Runway (before the magazine was kicked to the curb for Seventeen and Marie Claire). Still, the reason it was there in the first place is due to Erin Kaplan, the young PR maven who has taken the magazine world by storm by turning the magazine brand into something that even Anna Wintour must respect.

But with the increased publicity for the publication comes an increased profile for Kaplan, who some think is only a tan and a set of SUV keys away from being the next Lizzie Grubman.

"Really, I'm not that bad," Erin told me during a recent interview outside of Magnolia bakery, where we indulged in sweet treats and threw pebbles at tourists. "It's just that everyone who I work with really sucks. Especially Olivia Palermo. Make sure you get that right, it's P-A-L-E-R-M-O. And yes, I said she sucks. I hate her. I almost quit my job because of her."

The feud between the socialite and the PR star become noticeably public when they were heard bitching at each other in the background of a recent Today show segment.

"I knew something was amiss when I got all the looks together to go to the studio and there was nothing that Olivia and I had pulled the week before," said an Elle magazine intern named Bryn who asked her last name not be used because she does not talk to fake reporters. "Erin told me that she went and redid all the looks. She really has it out for Olivia. I just don't want to get fired. But, yeah, I'm totally scared of Erin."

And that is with good reason. Not only is she in charge of getting the magazine's name out there, but also, apparently, in overseeing the duties of junior editors, a very different responsibility for someone who specializes in communications.

"Look, I'm not a fashion editor and I never claim to be," Kaplan said after her third vanilla cake with chocolate frosting. "But Olivia Palermo is so bad at her job that I had to step in and do something or else my segment would be ruined and Elle would look stupid. I can not have that happening. I have no social life, my last boyfriend dumped me for another guy, and no one wants to talk to me at parties. Without this job, I have absolutely nothing. When Olivia put that in jeopardy, I had to fight back."

She explains that at the Today show, Elle creative director Joe Zee asked Palermo about the prices and designers of the dresses he was about to talk about on air. Since Kaplan vetoed Palermo's looks and inserted her own, Palermo had no clue what was going out, and out of spite, wouldn't brief Joe. He had a short flub on the air with Hoda Kotb, but was able to recover. Good thing Mr. Zee was on his A game.

After they show, Kaplan and Zee tried to confront Palermo about what happened. "I'm sorry, but I did a whole afternoon of hard work before going home to do bong hits and then attend a Twilight screening," Palermo says. "Erin never thinks I do anything right. She has horrible style, can't dress, is poor, and doesn't respect me. She makes it impossible for me to do my job. And have you seen what she wears? She shouldn't be picking out clothes at all. But she is impossible. Until she shows me some respect, we can't work together."

Kaplan was more than happy to respond to her comments. "Of course I don't respect her, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing!" Kaplan screamed while brushing her hair out of her face and scowling—a look that should be familiar to anyone who knows her. "And the worst part is, you can't talk to her. Whenever I confront her about something, she is either too stupid or too stoned to care and just doesn't get the message. Unless it's news about a sample sale or the opening of a new bottle service club, she just can't retain any information. She is completely useless. I told Joe Zee that it was either her or me."

And what did Joe Zee say? "Erin is a consummate professional," Zee says from his Midtown office. "She is great at her job and I trust her implicitly. I like Olivia a lot—mostly because she's pretty. But I am not a guidance counselor, I don't want to be deciding who wins in a fight between Erin and Olivia."

Now that the ultimatum has been placed—Kaplan says that she even awkwardly stormed out of Zee's office!—who is going to hit the road and who is going to stay? "Well, let's just say that the magazine needs PR more than it does socialites, but sometimes socialites are what brings the PR," Kaplin says cryptically giving her signature sly smile.

No matter what, we have a feeling that Kaplan will end up on top.

You Say You Want a Revolution: Kelly Cutrone Talks about the Help
by Betsey Morgenstern
PRWeek.com

One of the biggest challenges for any PR agency is keeping the stable of young communications majors in check. Between all the swag, the nights out in New York, and the boy drama, it can be more difficult that pleasing clients and getting them good media placement. To find out how to do it the right way, we talked to Kelly Cutrone, the saucy boss at People's Revolution PR and the star of the new reality show Kell on Earth, which starts in February on Bravo.

"I can't stand these fucking girls," Cutrone screams in her office, pushing her hair back and bugging her eyes out that signals she is about to go off on one of her famous, expletive-laden tirades. "They come in here and they think that they know everything and they can do whatever the fuck they want. I've been doing this for decades. I started this whole company on my own. They better learn some fucking respect and learn it quick."

Most recently she has had completely opposite experiences with Whitney Port, an aspiring designer, and Roxy Carmichael Olin, a girl who seems to have no skills, no drive, and doesn't do much of anything. Still, Kelly sees something of herself in Olin.

"That is what really pisses me the fuck off," she says. "She's just like me. She's brash, an outsider, likes to wear black, isn't afraid of what people think. But then she just fucking sits there. And when she's not sitting there, she's making things difficult for everyone and pretending like she knows more than she does. Yes, she may be like me, but I know when the dresses should be ordered. I know how to set up a photo shoot. I know what a look book is. She just knows how to get drunk and dance on banquettes."

Asked to defend herself Olin says that she doesn't really need Cutrone. "You know, my parents are rich, so I only do this for fun and so I can hang out with my friend Whitney," she says in her voice that is a strange mix of a drawl and a rasp. "Maybe that's why I don't give a fuck what Kelly thinks. But yes, she can yell, and that keeps people in check."

Olin tells a story where she recently went into Cutrone's office to ask why she was being left out of a meeting between Port and the buyers of Bergdorf Goodman. Olin has nothing to do with the line whatsoever and knows nothing about retail, marketing, fashion, or merchandising, but for some reason thought it was a good idea to stand by Whitney at her meeting. "Kelly totally snapped on me," Olin cackles. "She was going on and on, spouting all this jargon, and all I could do was get up and leave."

Cutrone is still worked up about the meeting. "I got Whitney, who I love and adore, a meeting with the big shots at Bergdorf Fucking Goodman, the most important department store in the world," she rants. "We're talking Linda Fargo, Ginny Hersey-Lambert, Sunni Spencer. These are people that will make or break her career. And she wants to take her little sour-faced drinking buddy? Get real! I was so pissed I didn't even go to the meeting. Let those bimbos fend for themselves."

For what it's worth, Port seemed to think the meeting went well. "They said some nice things, and they looked at my clothes. I don't really know what I'm doing," she purred while twirling her hair on her finger.

Cutrone disagrees. "Went well? It was a fucking disaster," she screams. "We're talking Marc Jacobs 1993 grunge line for Perry Ellis disaster. They hated it. She wasn't ready at all. Some of her dresses had crap all over them. And then she had that chucklehead Roxy there undermining her. She only has one shot left and that's a fashion show I'm putting together for her."

That's right. Cutrone may be a fierce disciplinarian and makes her stances known, but she has "the old ball and chain" with her employees, as she calls it. If they go down, she goes down with them. She also helps to raise them up by giving them as many opportunities as they can in the industry. She is including Port in a group show she is organizing for fashion week in the spring.

"She said something about it being not a baby step of faith but a leap of faith and if I don't do it, she'll slit my throat and fire Roxy," Port cooed. "I'm not quite sure what is going on, but she says it's a big deal so she must be right."

While Kelly certainly has this whole thing under wraps, the biggest lesson she has to teach is never hire anyone as smart as the boss.

Intern Intensity
by Betsey Morgenstern
ED2010.com Reporter

Internships can be your foot in the door to a career in the ever expanding empire of print publications, but they can also be hard, crazy, and full of drama. Just ask Bryn Leavemeoutofthis and Susie Stockingstuffer, who are currently interning at Elle magazine and People's Revolution PR, respectively. I talked to the two of them about their work, their coworkers, and what they hope to get out of this experience.

Hey Bryn, tell us about your job at Elle?
I'm the accessories intern, so I help on all the shoots for the bags, shoes, bangles, and things like that. I also go to all the stores and pick up the things that the editors pulled for the big photo shoots and then I have to keep track of everything and where it goes and make sure it doesn't get damaged and then take it all back. Sometimes I have to make coffee, but I never have to get lunch because no one at Elle eats!

Who is your supervisor?
Officially I report to PR chief Erin Kaplan, even though she's not an editor, but I let everyone order me around.

Tell us about a recent assignment you had?
Just last week, I had to accompany accessories editor Olivia Palermo when she went to this super hot boutique in SoHo that you've probably never heard of. It's called Mango, and it's just the awesomest store ever. Well, we had to pull four looks for an upcoming Today show segment that Erin was getting together but Joe Zee [the magazine's creative director] would be giving on air. It was something about looks that a girl would like and a boy would like. I didn't understand exactly what, but Erin said, "Babysit Olivia," so I thought I just had to make sure she didn't hurt herself or do anything too stupid.

Anyway, we go to Mango and she starts taking stuff off the racks. She moves really slowly, like she is always thinking about what party she is going to go to later that night or fantasizing about her really hot boyfriend. When we have a bunch of things together, she has decided that's all we're pulling from the store. Last time I had to "babysit Olivia" she didn't pull enough clothes and Erin got all mad and yelled at us. All I want as an intern is not to get yelled at, so it was pretty bad for me. Then Erin sent me to pull a few more outfits and took all the credit and said she did it herself. That's fine with me. I said, "Thank you" and brought her coffee just the way she likes it—black with a little bit of baby's blood.

So, I told Olivia, "Maybe we should get some more stuff." And she was like, "Naw, this is good. I have to go home and listen to Tribe Called Quest and smoke a few bowls before I go to the American Association to Beat Spina Bifida benefit tonight at the Armory, so I'm gonna peace out." So I asked her, "Erin is going to be pissed." She didn't respond, she just yawned and walked out the door.

What happened? Was Erin pissed?
Later that week we had a model fitting. One of the models was this huge fat girl. She was a size 16! What does she eat for lunch? Fried lard? I had on this really cute off-one-shoulder short dress that my friend Serena van der Woodsen lent me when she was done with it. She said the skirt was too long. I almost ruined my dress because Olivia pulled a size 14 for her and we had to pull the dress over her giant fat body. It was like putting a baseball through a garden hose.

Erin showed up and said it was too tight. Olivia was like, "My eyes are really bloodshot and squinty right now, so it looks fine to me." Erin asked to see the rest of the looks and then she told her there weren't anymore because all the stores in Manhattan were having a really bad clothes shortage. I was so angry. I told Olivia we needed more options. Now I'm going to have to go back to Mango—which is my favorite store, but still—and get more outfits. Olivia and Erin start getting into this fight, and I'm just taking notes in my book trying to stay out of the whole mess.

You don't like when there's drama at work?
Not really. Mostly I just want to try on all the different belts and look at shoes and purses. I must be working in the wrong office, because they are always going at each other.

So what happened with Olivia and Erin?
They're getting into it, but Olivia wasn't getting as worked up as Erin and then she says, "Would you talk to Joe like that?" and Erin was flabbergasted, like Olivia just compared herself to a bald Asian guy. She has way too much hair to be Joe Zee! Then Erin asked me to leave the room.

What did you do?
Duh, I left the room.

Did you listen in at the door? That's what I would have done.
Yeah, I did for a second, but all I could hear was the sound of slapping and I knew that Erin finally got physical with Olivia. I was almost to the end of the hall and the door burst open and Erin came out and shouted, "Take it all back!" and then slammed the door. I was so scared I ran back to my desk.

Did Erin see you or something?
Yes and she was said, "Yoo-hoo. Bryn. Come here for a second," being all like fake sweet. I pretended not to hear her and scurried back to my desk looking at my notes like I didn't know what was going on. She followed me all the way there.

What did she say? Did she attack you?
No. I think she got all her aggression out on Olivia. She told me that she wasn't disappointed in me, because I'm always nice and helpful and I kill the babies the right way so that her coffee is always good. She said it was Olivia that didn't deserve to be there. Basically, she hopes that Olivia fucks up the Today show segment so bad that Joe Zee fires her. Then she told me to go to Mango and get more clothes, but to make it look like she was the one doing it. I said fine and left.

Did you tell her to fire Olivia and hire you instead? That's what I would have done.
No, but that's a good thought.

Will you give Erin my resume?
Sure!

Now we're going to talk to Suzie Stockingstuffer. Hi Suzie, tell us about your internship.
I've spent this whole semester at People's Revolution PR, which does fashion PR. It's located in SoHo and run by Kelly Kutrone, who is this like super famous PR lady. She even got Eliot Spitzer's hooker girlfriend into a fashion show. Can you believe that? Anyway, she doesn't call us interns, she calls us punching bags.

Is that what it feels like? Do you have bruises?
Only small ones, but that's because Roxy Carmichael Olin showed up. Now she mostly beats up on her. Kelly continues to let her work there, even though her complete hatred for Roxy is as obvious as her bad skin.

Tell us a little bit about Kelly. She sure has a way with words!
Yes, she does. I haven't been on the receiving end of one of her colorfully worded rants in a while. When you're not the one getting yelled at, she sure is a lot of fun to listen to.

Who does she usually yell at?
Lately just Roxy. We had a model casting recently for Whitney Port's look book for her clothing line and it was a disaster. Roxy got all these models and they didn't fit the look Kelly wanted and she screamed, "This is supposed to be a fairy tea part, not a goth nightmare!" She sent all the models home but three and told Roxy go to back to Model Depot and pick up some fresh ones. She was happy with the next selections.

You know, Whitney used to date my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer?
Oh, you're the ex he got back together with? You're much nicer than Roxy and Whitney made you out to be.

What did they say about me?
Not much really. Um...

No, seriously, tell me!
Can we get back to the interview.

Sure, but only if you tell me a mean story about Whitney.
Well, there's not that much mean to say about her other than that she's really passive aggressive. We had the shoot for her look book with this guy Patrik Andersson. He's this like super famous fashion photographer but he said he'd do the shoot for free if they would put him on television. They agreed.

We're up on this super cool rooftop set with all these fairy lights and these three pretty girl models who are in Whitney's clothes and it's all looking super great. Roxy thinks it's boring though, because they weren't being all active and snorting coke and dancing on banquettes. She wants to start a food fight. Kelly pulls her aside and says, "You stupid cunt, you're going to get food on the clothes. This is Whitney's shoot. Shut the fuck up and don't do anything. I would fire you if MTV would let me."

Roxy backs off for a while but then right when everything is about to wrap Roxy is like, "Come on, let her pop a bottle of champagne and then all the other girls will laugh like it's the funniest shit they ever saw in their lives." Whitney agrees, because she'll pretty much do anything you tell her to. They set up the shot, but the model can't figure out how to pop the champagne, so when she tries to, she just drops the bottle and it breaks and gets booze all over the dress.

Whitney is pissed, and you can tell because she scrunches her face up like a used Kleenex in a boy's dorm bathroom, and she keeps telling Roxy she's not mad. Then they get in a food fight and laugh and laugh, and I ran because the last time I got Devil's Food Cake in my hair, it took like two weeks to get out.

Was Kelly pissed at Roxy?
She's always pissed at Roxy, but she seemed more pissed than usual.

Is she going to fire her?
I think she left that decision up to Whitney for the "season finale," whatever that means.

Well, if she does, will you give her my resume?

Zac Attack at The Gates
By Betsey Morgenstern
SceneBSeen.com Senior Social Correspondent

It was another Roman bacchanal last night at neo-classical hotspot The Gates in Chelsea (is it still Chelsea if it's above 23rd Street?). Many managed to weasel their way past the velvet rope of the private club that has been ever more public ever since getting a great mention on Gossip Girl a few weeks back. Maybe Chuck Bass could utter my name once and then I would be just as popular. Oh, just kidding.

I certainly wasn't the center of attention, not with Whitney Port and Sammie Whatshername in attendance, lending moral support to their friend Roxy Carmichael Olin who was there to meet her new love interest Zac. We thought she was going to light the potted palms on fire when Zac walked in flanked by Jessica Stam, Brooklyn Decker, Agynnes Deyn, Chanel Iman, Shocklineva Costicova, and a certain reporter (me!). We sat down at a table nearby and ordered white wine spritzers, because they are Brooklyn's favorite and her husband, Andy Roddick was buying. Thanks, Andy!

It was hard to enjoy the wonderful cocktails thanks to all the glares coming at us from the three ladies nearby. Shocklineva leaned over and asked Zac what the deal was and he said that he and Roxy Carmichael Olin were friends back in L.A. and had drinks a few times in New York and he thought that RCO was harboring a little crush on him. It is obviously a crush that wasn't requited. Why would he mess with Roxy when he was out at a club with five models and a girl who constantly got offers to model when she was in J school, but was far too busy knocking on doors of apartments in Harlem to inquire about neighborhood shootings to do shootings for Vogue.

Anyway, Zac was telling us all about how they had drinks the other night and Roxy thought it was a date, even though the whole time she was talking about how Whitney was out with some boy named Patrick. As Zac tells it, Sammie had set Whitney up on a blind date with a boy she worked with at Bergdorf who is obviously gay. While at dinner, the boy, while cute, was a total jerk. She asked him where to get some "dunks" and he said, "You get dunks where they sell dunks, but you can only get dunks if you ask for dunks and you have to know what dunks are. And not Dunkaroos either, even though I loved that snack as a kid. I mean real real dunks that are only dunky enough to be dunks." Next he referred to Louis Vuitton as LV, and Whitney thought he meant 55, which is what it would be in Roman numerals. Then when the bill came, he dared to ask Whitney to "join forces" on paying the check. After dating the dashing and very generous Freddie Fackelmayer (who just celebrated our one month anniversary together by taking me out to dinner at Rouge Tomate, full disclosure!) he's going to need to do more to impress her.

I told Zac that he better go over there and straighten the girls out, so he walked over and plopped himself down next to Whitney. Roxy climbed over her friend and put a full-on stranglehold on Zac, accusing him of being fake and rude and drawing a Sharpee mustache on her that time she passed out drunk on Danny Masterson's couch. As usual Whitney got all flustered as soon as there was any conflict and everyone kind of forgot about Sammie, who was up at the bar hitting on Agynness Deyn, who does look very cute with her new haircut.

When Zac came back, he was pretty flustered, but we were determined to have a good time, so Shocklineva busted out her eightball and we did a few lines right there off the table. Roxy was still giving us the stink eye and I just couldn't stand looking at her anymore. That's when I started making out with Zac. I didn't do it to make her mad, it just sort of happened, and next thing you know, Jessica Stam has her hand on my boob and Sammie is lip locked with Agyness. Zac just leaned back nodding and smiling, his arms splayed out of the back of the couch as if he was the emperor of all of Rome and seven Phoenician slaves were making out just for him. No wonder he was completely oblivious to what little Roxy was thinking about him.

We left about three hours later, lipstick smeared, nose on fire, and only two white wine spritzer glasses broken. Brooklyn invited me to her Elle shoot the next day, which was going to be rough, but fun.

A Fashion Tree Grows in Brooklyn
by Betsey Morgenstern
SceneBSeen.com Senior Social Correspondent

No fashion magazine worth the paper its printed on would dare shoot in Brooklyn, but they are all clamoring to shoot Brooklyn Decker, the swimsuit model who is also married to tennis superstar Andy Roddick. Brooklyn, who I first met when she hosted a party thrown by Elle Magazine, Lycra, and People's Revolution PR at Miami International Fashion Week, is again working for Elle, but this time doing a shoot for the magazine. Creative Director Joe Zee had the vision of putting her in clothing inspired by menswear, like fedoras, jackets, and pants. With her athletic frame it was a natural fit. At one point accessories editor Olivia Palermo added a watch to the outfit. It was her only contribution of the day, but before that watch, Brooklyn was like a birthday cake with no candles. Way to go, Olivia.

After perusing the accessories table, they took Brooklyn up to the roof. As we were about to go out, we heard Zee fighting with Elle PR mastermind Erin Kaplan about her favorite subject, the ineptitude of Olivia. Erin was saying that she had to fight for everything she has where everyone expects her to just hold Olivia's hand until she's competent, and that's not fair. Joe thinks that Olivia is doing a great job and maybe, just maybe, Erin isn't managing her correctly. You mean barely masked scorn isn't a successful managing strategy? That's when we walked out and interrupted, and Brooklyn asked if she could hang off the structures on the roof and over the Midtown East traffic below. They said, "Genius!" She also proposed the headline of the article be "Double Decker" and they could transpose images of her on top of each other. They said, "Brilliant." Then she asked everyone to go to dinner at Rouge Tomate after the show, and they said, "Of course!"

Once the shoot wrapped, Brooklyn had a "headache" (possibly from white wine spritzers the night before at The Gates) and didn't go to dinner, but i tagged along with Joe Zee, Kaplan, and Palermo. There we met up with Robbie Meyers, editor-in-chief of Elle magazine and Nina Garcia's bête noire; Candice Rainey, an Elle senior editor who has taken a vow of silence; and Gabe Saporta and Ryland Blackinton of the band Cobra Starship.

As soon as we sat down Meyers was asking about the shoot. Joe Zee filled her in and let her know what a great team Olivia and Erin are. They're a regular Krystal and Alexis, but both blond. Olivia was beaming, as she always does at the sound of her own name, and Erin was stuffing her face with bread. Chewing might have kept the mean words out of her mouth, but not the evil expression off of her face. Robbie fell for it, and feel for Palermo, like everyone always does, even asking her to help pick out a dress for some Women in Hollywood soiree they're having. With that, she dragged Joe Zee outside because they had a better party to go to at The Box. Something to do with Levi Johnston and a porn award.

I wasn't paying attention, I was waiting to see if Erin could actually turn Olivia to stone with her eyes. Just as her face was beginning to look a little marbley, Olivia got up to leave. Before she had even gotten out the front door, Kaplan let everyone know that she thought Olivia was horrible at her job and lazy and stupid. Doesn't she have anything else to talk about? Maybe she should find out what Cobra Starship is listening to and write a story about hip new music. Or maybe everyone wants to talk about Jersey Shore, the new reality television program that is sure to revolutionize the world? No, she just binged on more carbs, and I excused myself to meet Freddie (my boyfriend, full disclosure!) at the bar for a hard-earned cocktail. Thanks to Brooklyn Decker, I'm drinking white wine spritzers. And make it a double, Decker!

No Room and an In
By Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Society Editor

Miami International Fashion Week is in full swing, so there are even more parties than usual. Last night Whitney Port and Roxy Carmichael Olin descended on The Florida Room in the Delano Hotel for a pre-party for a fashion show. The party was so excellent, no one quite knew which brand they were celebrating, and the band was so bad that no one quite knew who they were.

That didn't stop Roxy Carmichael Olin from dancing on the banquette like a low-class Paris Hilton and dragging Nick Soandso up there with her. As soon as they found out they both went to Harvard, it was a deep and animal lust that attracted them. As soon as Whitney took a minute out to powder her nose (wink wink) he asked Roxy to leave. Without a second thought of her friend, she was out the door in search of the next party. In fact, Roxy had been complaining ever since they got to Miami about being put on a budget by People's Revolution boss Kelly Cutrone. All she wanted to do was lie out and eat room service and party. Luckily her cohort Whitney has her head about her and didn't let this happen.

But that didn't stop Roxy from leaving Whintey all alone and defenseless in the club. A reporter tailed Roxy and Nick as they left. First it was more drinks at Mynt Lounge, but Roxy was way too antsy for the sedate crowd. Nick took her over to SET to dance the night away and after they bumped into well known man-about-town Pookie "Candyman" Collins, they were bumping all night long (wink wink take two). They caused quite a scene, especially when Roxy popped a bottle of Cristal and poured it all over her body like she was living in a rap video fantasy world. Nick got down on his knees and wrung out her champagne-drenched skirt and drank the nectar as some of it oozed down his neck. He then started kissing up her thigh, his head disappearing underneath the soggy seam of her drenched dress. Roxy let her head fall back as her eyes closed and her mouth opened. It looked like she was moaning, but the new remix of Shakira's "She Wolf" was so loud, no one could hear a thing. After pushing his head out from underneath her skirt she grabbed his arm and ran for the exit.

They gave me—I mean, a reporter—the slip but it sounds like they were headed back to Nick's to continue the party. No wonder poor Roxy was late to work the next day!

Bathing Beauties at Mara Hoffman
by Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Fashion Editor

Miami International Fashion Week isn't just about world-famous designers like Agatha Ruiz de la Prada, Munib Nawaz, and Amato Couture but it's really all about the fashion shows. Today it was time for the biggest bash of them all: The Mara Hoffman collection was presented at Soho Studios. Everything was glorious.

Show director Kelly Cutrone, the head boss at New York's trendy fashion PR firm People's Revolution said she had a hard time at the casting, but what do you expect from a pasty New Yorker who wears all black to the beach! After making fun of the model's faces and walks, she had a nice stable of hoofers to walk Hoffman's swimwear down the catwalk.

Before the show started, we saw Erin Kaplan and Olivia Palermo of Elle Magazine giving each other a chilly reception in the front row. After sauntering back to her seat from behind the stage, Kaplan peppered Palermo with questions: "Why aren't you taking notes? Are you going to the trade shows? Why don't you like me? God gave me brains, but why didn't he make me as pretty and rich as you? Is that fair?" Olivia just stared blankly at her shoes, moving her toes ever so slightly to watch the way the light reflected on her pedicure. It was as if she could just ignore the questions away.

It was then that we heard the sound of an argument coming from backstage, and it sounded like People's Revolution PR girls Roxy Carmichael Olin and Whitney Port (who just broke up with my boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer, full disclosure!).
"Where were you last night?" Whitney shouted.
"I thought you left," Roxy slurred back.
"No, I didn't leave, I said I'd be right back."
"But you didn't come back, so I didn't think you were coming back. Nick and I left. That place was boring."
"Yeah, it was real boring without you. And you're late. And why do you smell like stale champagne?"
That's when Kelly Cutrone walked by, slammed their heads together and just kept walking.

Her intervention must have worked, because the show went off without a hitch. There were lots of one-piece suits and futuristic cuts (as Olivia noted). Our favorite was a silver metallic, square bikini with a flowing printed caftan over it. There were lots of geometric prints, that would fit right in with the international stoner set that loves to litter Miami's beaches. The models did walk a little slow and didn't smile much. What is up with that?

One Elle of an Afterparty
by Betsey Morgenstern
944 Magazine Assistant Contributing Fashion and Social Editor

With models in pink wigs and swimsuits lounging on boxes by the pool, Elle Magazine and Lycra's afterparty for Mara Hoffman's fashion show was the hit of Miami International fashion week. The W Hotel pool was transformed by the staff of the magazine and ace PR girl Erin Kaplan, who picked out the wigs herself. She said she was inspired by the time she and her girlfriends went as a pack of slutty flight attendants for Halloween and she saw the same raunchy joy in Hoffman's designs and wanted to channel that for the party's living decorations.

Loving the wigs was host Brooklyn Decker, who stole one off a model's head and was parading around with it half-cocked on her head for most of the evening. Kaplan was seen chatting with Elle's executive fashion editor Judi Sanders at the party, and it seems like she was carrying on about her favorite subject Olivia Palermo. She was bitching about how her socialite coworker didn't go to the crumby trade shows during fashion week (neither did I, because they sound too much like swap meets and that sounds like something that poor people would go to). She was also complaining that Olivia didn't take notes at the fashion show and how was she going to remember the very, very important and groundbreaking fashions they just witnessed without notes.

Olivia was off talking to designer Red Carter, who is not at all related to Red Buttons, but he does look a little bit like him. She then approached Saunders who told Palermo that bitch Erin Kaplan had been talking shit about her. No she said, and I quote, "That bitch Erin has been talking shit about you." Olivia didn't know what to do. She couldn't stare at her toes like she usually does, so she asked Saunders for advice. This is what the wise old editor had to say:

"Here's how it's going to go down. You're going to be in a meeting with Joe Z and he's going to ask about the trade shows. Say you didn't know anything about them. That's definitely going to piss Erin off and she's going to say she told you about them. Make it look like it's her fault that you didn't go. She'll hate that and take the offensive. Joe just wants everyone to get along because he's a pussy. Just agree with everything Joe says about being a team player and wanting to work with Erin while she sits there making her sour face. You don't even have to seem sincere. Being nice is Erin's kryptonite. It will render her silent. You'll look like the winner and she'll look like the mean lady who doesn't want to help out. This is the only way you can save yourself in Joe's eyes."

Olivia was nodding furiously, so we hope she took her advice. We'll know next time we check the masthead at Elle if it's missing an accessories editor! But then we just grabbed another glass of free champagne and did another lap of the party. Conspicuously absent were the People's Revolution crew. We heard that after a hard night of partying Whitney Port and Roxy Carmichael Olin ordered up $200 worth of room service! Who do they think is going to pay for that? When Kelly Cutrone gets that bill they're going to wish they ate Taco Bell instead.

Well, we're going to be paying for all the champagne we drank for about a week. But what a glorious time we had. Why can't every week be Miami International Fashion Week? We'll never know.

Stars Cross the Lily Pond
by Betsey Morgenstern
Hamptons.com Contributor

Last night there was another packed crowd at the Lily Pond, the hottest nightclub in all of East Hampton, and the dance floor was especially star studded, with the likes of Whitney Port, Roxy Carmichael Olin, and Sammie Somethingorother in town for the weekend staying at the Fackelmayer's luxe compound. Nearly identical brothers Freddie and Harry couldn't have been dressed more differently for the late night fun. Harry came wearing a T-shirt and shorts, looking like he just finished a shift at the Crab Shack down the street and was stopping by for a drink on his way home. The buff and bronzed Freddie, however, was wearing an open tuxedo shirt and jacket, looking like he had just been thrown out of the End Alopecia Now benefit that was happening earlier that evening at McGuffan's Farm.

While the gemini brothers couldn't have looked more different, they both had the same goal: to score with Whitney. Apparently Whitney insisted on bringing her friend Roxy C.O. along for the weekend, much to everyone's chagrin. We hear that Sammy tried to swerve her Audi when Roxy was sticking her head out the sunroof so that she would be hurled headlong into the gutter, never to bray or instigate ever again. Her plan did not work. Neither of the Fackelmayers, with their upper-class, East Coast cool, could stand the brash California girl, and she was left to do the Tiffani dance all by herself while wearing a pair of glowing green sunglasses.

Harry (who I met when dating his brother Freddie, full disclosure!) ambled over and told me that he was thinking of hitting on Sammy, but she just wasn't that cute, and was on the prowl for another girl. I said, "What about Whitney. She's really giving you the signals."

At that moment, she was on the dance floor grinding with Freddie, who was popping the cork off a bottle of champagne and making sure that his girl was having a good time. I told Harry, who was a little drunk, that was the chance to make his move. He went in to kiss her, but Whitney kept turning her head. "I love you," I overheard him say as I sat on a banquette nearby watching the action. Freddie could clearly see the scene play out, and he bent over and shouted something to Roxy C.O., but I couldn't hear over the thump of the music from DJ Skeezy, who once asked me if I would do a line of coke off his penis. It's not as difficult as you would think.

Freddie made his way back over to Whitney, and Harry slumped over with the look of defeat all over his face where his limp bangs usually hang. I sat next to him and patted his knee and told him everything would be fine. As he slipped his hand under my blouse (but over the bra), I thought of an even better plan. "Hey, why don't you tell Whitney that I'm Freddie's girlfriend and that she should break up with him. Then maybe she'll sleep with you."

Harry weaved his way through the crowd of glamorous hangers on, stepped over Sammy, who was making out on the floor with Ship Needermacker, heir to the Needermacker frozen waffle fortune, and sidled up to Whitney. I swished my martini around and mustered up my biggest scowl as Harry whispered in her ear and Whitney's face festered with even more confusion that usual. It was like someone just told her that her little puppy hadn't been sent to a farm in Connecticut to live with Martha Stewart, but really wound up under the wheels of Lizzie Grubman's SUV. She grabbed Roxy C.O. and told Sammie to stop being a slut on the sticky floor of a suburban club because it was time to storm off in a huff.

I went over to Harry to ask what happened, and he slumped onto my shoulders like a lonely corpse. I patted his head and thought he was going to cry. Then he vomited down my back, and it was time to leave.

The next morning, I had to find out the scoop and hid out in the shed next to the Fackelmayer pool. As the brothers did cannonballs, I could see the three witches plotting inside throwing little ingredients into a cauldron. Sammie would stir and Roxy would throw back her head and emit painful bleats that made the boys cower like Glenn Close taking a shower in The Big Chill. They came downstairs and coven leader Roxy gave Freddie a piece of her mind, but Whitney wanted to do the talking. She changed a spell of truth, and Freddie had no choice to admit his girlfriend and say he was sorry, but offerend no explanation.

Then I burst out of the shed, leaves still in my hair and chucks of dried puke flaking off my dress and shouted, "It's me! He's in love with me!" and the witches screamed, running with hands over head like a gaggle of crazed hula dancers. They ran right to the Audi and shuttled back from the city. It might have been a shaky night, but this party ended with the best of mornings.

Interview with Betsey Morgenstern, Blogger for Stylehive.com
By Olivia Palermo

There are many style blogs on the internet, but the bloggiest belongs to Betsey Morgenstern, the girl who has something to do with Stylehive.com.

Olivia Palermo: Hi Betsey. How are you?
Betsey Morgenstern: I'm fine, how are....

OP: That's great to hear. So, how would you describe your personal style?
BM: Well, I really like a mix of fashion-forward and more...

OP: That's awesome. I have something like that myself. Who are your favorite designers?
BM: Right now I'm really into Jason...

OP: I'm friends with Phillip Lim. And I lost my virginity in Zac Posen's hot tub on Fire Island. What trends are you seeing now?
BM: The thing that's going to be a hit for fall is...

OP: Great. That's all I need.
BM: What? You wouldn't even let me say...

OP: I'm leaving. Bye.

We Are the Longchampions, My Friend
By Betsey Morgenstern
Accessories magazine party reporter

Last night Longchamp, a handbag brand that has given us so much joy over the years, decided to give back to the community by holding a benefit for KiptonART Foundation, which introduces poor, poor artists to all the rich gallery owners and collectors that are going to be buying their work. Oh, they give some money for needy kids who want to make art, but no one was talking about that, because it's a downer. Apparently, this costs a lot of money, and Kipton Cronkite, founder of the organization was very thankful that Elle magazine, Longchamp, and People's Revolution PR would throw him this bash.

In attendance was socialite and Elle accessories editor Olivia Palermo, a close personal friend of Cronkite's. She wore a black dress that looked like the molted skin of a rare snake and was slithering around mumbling about what a nightmare she was having. At one point, we saw her talking to Roxy Carmichael Olin, sometimes Brothers & Sisters guest star and daughter of Patricia Wettig and Ken Olin. For some reason, Palermo was introducing Olin to the photographer for Patrick McMullan and then told her to "go do her job." I was going to go ask Doug, the photographer, what the tiff was about, but he's still mad at me for that time I made out with him at Marquee and then wouldn't go home with him. It was a bad time for me, and I just wasn't ready for something other than a hair-mussing romp next to a bathroom attendant.

Roxy Carmichael Olin did not take this too well, and instead of making sure she was doing her job in front of her boss, People's Revolution honcho Kelly Cutrone, she instead went to Erin Kaplan, who isn't Olivia's boss but thinks she's is. They both think that Olivia has a bad attitude and can't do her job. Erin said she wants to get Olivia fired so bad, but she can't because their boss, Joe Zee (who couldn't make it because he was at the 20th anniversary party for the Rawhide leather bar in Chelsea), really likes Olivia. Erin was all squinty in her pink ruffley party dress, but Roxy Carmichael Olin had a real look of crazy deviousness on her face in a short dress that looked like she had to twist Magnum PI's bedsheets around her body and jump out the window just before Higgins barged in.

The only one who seemed to like Olivia at the party was her old friend (and, full disclosure, my ex-boyfriend) Freddie Fackelmayer, who looked as good as ever, but was woefully underdressed in just a robin egg shell blue shirt without a tie or jacket. Social gay Kristian Laliberte was telling me how tacky he thought Freddie looked and I told him to shut up, because the shirt really brought out the color of his eyes. When Freddie entered and greeted Olivia, I hovered near Roxy Carmichael Olin and Whitney Port, the aspiring designer that he is currently dating. They were abuzz about how much they couldn't stand Olivia and they both worried that Freddie might be a socialite just like her. They said it as if it was a bad thing. If only Tinsley Mortimer were here to smack some sense into them.

Whitney didn't want to go say hi while he was talking to Olivia, but once she left, she walked over and gave him a big hug. He should have told her how fat she looked in her too-short sparkly getup and how she mumbles and chews on her words like a three-day-old piece of Hubba Bubba. But he didn't. He apologized for bringing his father to meet her at dinner. And then—wait. He brought his father to meet her? We dated for months and he wouldn't even mention his parent's name in front of me. What gives, Freddie! What does Whitney have that I don't, other than a fleet of television cameras hanging around her?

Seething, I floated over to see Erin Kaplan and Kelly Cutrone deep in conversation, and they actually seemed to be making nice with each other. Who thought that two mean, unattractive, career-driven PR girls would have anything in common? Kelly was telling Erin how she started in magazine PR but then started her own company and now she only reps things that she thinks are awesome like Greasy Brand Hair Products, the color black, and Slankets.

Then Erin told Kelly that she doesn't know what it is about Olivia that she hates, but it seems to do with the fact that every time Olivia comes into the office Erin is on the phone. "Does she show up while I'm talking to someone hoping that I won't talk to her? And why won't she turn all the way around at her desk to talk to me? She only talks to me over her shoulder, like I'm some kind of colossal bother. If she spent as much time doing her job as she did doing her make up, she might get ahead in this business. But she doesn't. She's Horrible."

I was ready to leave, but Freddie was still talking to Whitney and they were laughing and giggling and making plans to go to Nantucket together and for some reason, I decided it would be a great time to call Jay Lyon, Whitney's ex-boyfriend.

"Hey, Jay, it's me, Betsey. No, Betsey Morgenstern. Remember, you held my hair once at that huge party at Billy Joel's in the Hamptons. Yes, that girl. No, I don't want to show you my bra again, I wanted to call and tell you something about your ex-girlfriend, Whitney. You're getting back together? She texted you and you two hooked up? Well, guess what—she's dating someone else. Yes, his name is Freddie Fackelmayer and he is a Wall Street boy with a golden tan and the bone structure of a German infantryman. I know, he is totally the opposite of you. And guess where they met? At a barbecue on your roof while you were away on tour. Can you believe that! Yes, you should totally call her up and have dinner with her. You're right, she is totally going to hate being called out on meeting a boy at your house. But don't tell her you heard it from me, I had nothing to do with it. No, not Betty. It's Betsey. Betsey Morgen—whatever, I don't care if you know my name, just break them up! Talk to you soon."

Sure, a handbag party might not have been the best place to make that call, but I scooted out the back door, so that Freddie and Whitney wouldn't see me and suspect that something is up. My mind spinning with a night full of celebrity spotting, cheap champagne, and some fumes from the glue donated to the little kids of the KiptonART Foundation, I hobbled home along the cobbles of SoHo, to a full night of dreaming of being with Freddie once again.

Back to the Beach: Lifeguards Took Over Bergdorf
By Betsey Morgenstern
Guestofaguest.com Contributor

Last night everyone who was anyone under the age of thirty was at Bergdorf Goodman for Matt Albiani's photo book Lifeguard on Duty. Of course plenty of the lifeguards decorating the pages with their prodigious pectorals were in attendance and that brought out all the girls who were looking for a little piece of meat. As always with in-store shindigs, things got a little messy, especially when Tinsley Mortimer tripped over Fabiola Beracasa's wedge heel and spilled her vodka and cran all over a white baby seal gown that was hanging nearby. Let's hope she pays for dry cleaning!

By far the most interesting person in attendance, or at least the one attracting the most attention, was Whitney Port. We went over to the shoe department and she told me how earlier in the day, she and fellow PR girl Sammie Somethingorother were in Jeffrey boutique in the Meatpacking. They were talking about the party that night and how they needed a different pair of shoes for the type of guys they wanted to pick up. She even gave me a demonstration: white booties for hipsters, gold strappy gladiator sandals for the metrosexual, and boring flats for the Wall Street boys.

We wonder what kind of heels attracted Greenwich hottie and Nantucket lifeguard Harry Fackelmayer, because he was sniffing around Whitney and Sammy all night. Apparently, Sammie is friends with Harry's brother, Freddie, so she invited him and his friend to a barbecue later that week. She invited me too. Left off the guestlist is Roxy Carmichael, Whitney's friend and coworker who Sammie is not a big fan of. We wouldn't know what it's like to be slighted, but when you're a at a party as hot as this, it's gotta burn.

One Elle of a Party
By Betsey Morgenstern
Guestofaguest.com Contributor

It was an intimate affair for about 100 people at the book-strewn home of Elle magazine publisher Carol Smith, who stunned everyone in a pink gown that she must have borrowed from the fashion closet. I'm not entirely sure what the party was for, and I was too busy eating delicious sliders and french fries in tiny white paper cones to even care! In attendance, the usual Elle crowd, EIC Robbie Meyers, creative director Joe Zee, and Hachette EVP Pilippe Guelton. There were supposedly some designers in attendance, but I didn't see any. Either that or I didn't recognize them because I was looking for more delicious tiny hamburgers.

The person really working the room was socialite and Elle accessories editor Olivia Palermo. Everyone was introducing themselves and wanted to get to know her. She looked stunning, with her blond hair pulled back into a bun and this huge gray necklace that would only be more delicious if it was made of french fries. Erin Kaplan didn't like it too much, because she was giving Olivia the stink eye across the room all night. Maybe if she didn't have such a shitty attitude someone would ask her where she got her ugly blue dress. Oops. Did I say that?

Anyway, she left in a huff before the party was over. We bet the next day she gave Olivia a hard time at the office, telling her that the party was really work and asking when all the designers Olivia met—wait, we mean all the designers Olivia already knew who she ran into at the party—were going to send exclusives for Elle. Olivia is a girl of many talents, but reading the future is not one of them! But you don't need a crystal ball to know that everyone had a blast—even those of us who were really at the party for work!

Raising the Roof with Adam Senn and Jay Lyon
By Betsey Morgenstern
Guestofaguest.com Contributor

It was a little hard to get to, but the barbecue on the roof of Adam Senn and Jay Lyon's apartment building that Whitney Port and Sammie Whatshername invited me to earlier in the week was totally worth the trouble of hiking up all those stairs. First I was introduced to Senn and his girlfriend Allie. I asked what they did and Adam said "I'm Allie's boyfriend," and Allie said, "I'm Adam's girlfriend." Well, it looks like we're dining on Tautology Rooftop tonight, folks. It wasn't odd at all for Port, the ex-girlfriend of Lyon to show up at the party, because Lyon wasn't in attendance. Boy, she was lucky not to run into an ex and have him stolen right from under her nose. That would really suck!

Port was also fortunate that she could show up at all. People's Revolution boss Kelly Cutrone needed someone to work late on a Bluefly proposal for product integration into this show called The City, and Roxy Carmichael agreed to take the shift so Whit could go and get her party on. We're surprised that she still has a job, when she shows up wearing oversized T-shirts, tattered leggings, and hooker heels. That can't do anything to improve Cutrone's reputation.

But thanks to Roxy, Whitney got to meet Freddie Fackelmayer, who is a dreamy finance type with a George Hamilton tan, Antonio Banderas hair, and a Ron Jeremy dick. Yes, I know that because (full disclosure!) we dated for a bit. I wasn't jealous that Whitney and Freddie hit it off so well. It was almost as if it was predestined, like someone arranged for them to meet and fall in love and go out for a very romantic dinner a few nights later where they smile into each other's eyes and laugh and giggle. No. I wasn't thinking about the summer plans they would make or how he would slip his arm around her waist while walking down the street after dinner or that enormous knit tent poncho thing that she would actually wear on a date and think was flattering. No. I was very calm and not drunk at all. And that was not me running out of the party with mascara streaming down my face. I am a party reporter and it is fun. Fun! We all had fun!

[PS—Betsey Morgenstern is not a real person and does not work for Guestofaguest.com. If you didn't figure that out, then you aren't bright enough to watch The City, and that is sad.]

Olivia Palermo Finally Does Something Right
By Betsey Morgenstern
New York Social Diary Staff Writer

Yesterday, Olivia Palermo finally learned what it was like to be a working girl, and it had nothing to do with being a hooker or Melanie Griffith. Socialite Palermo, who is now an accessories editor at Elle magazine, the fashion bible that lives to support any reality television program that appeals to a young female demographic, finally pleased her boss, Joe Zee, the chipper head of Elle.

"I was beginning to have my doubts, because every five minutes Erin, our head of publicity, is coming to me and telling me how horrible and incompetent Olivia is, but I knew she could do it," Zee told us in an exclusive interview. "She made my A to Z feature amazing with all the awesome accessories she pulled. I loved everything. She's going to be a star. And not like a crappy reality star, like a real magazine star!"

Palermo, who would not be interviewed for this story, made her victory lap thanks to meetings with Badgely Mischka, Rachel Roy, and Roberta Feymann and they gave her all the cool stuff to bring back to Joe Zee. She even took pictures of the their sunglasses, handbags, and necklaces and printed them out like real old pictures. Palermo's retro touch seemed to win over the boss.

"She's just so refined and elegant, and I would never give up the chance to have my goods appear in Elle," says Rachel Roy, one of New York's hottest designers.

"I'm the one who got her that meeting at Mischka," says Erin Kaplan, head of PR for Elle. "She couldn't have done this without me. Listen here, Betsey, I hate Olivia because she's prettier and richer than me and I had to work for everything in my life. I am going to get her fired. That's all I want. That and a coat made out of 101 dalmatians. And maybe half of my hair dyed black."

Maybe Whitney Port, who works at People's Revolution, the fashion PR firm headed up by batty-headed publicity maven Kelly Kutrone, could learn a thing or two from Palermo. After she showed Kutrone, who has no background in design, the sketches for her fashion line, Kutrone said not to show them to anyone. Roxy Carmichael, the gravelly voiced toxic friend who lives with Port convinced her to show the sketches to a buyer at Bergorf Goodman.

"I wanted to just laugh in her face, but there were all these cameras there, and I find it hard to laugh these days because of all the Botox," said the buyer, who would only give her first name, Sunni.

After her humiliation Kutrone scolded Port in her office and told her that she was talented, but she needs to know how to work her connections like Palermo. "Being a rich, beautiful socialite like Olivia Palermo will get you everywhere in life," says Kutrone. "I love Whitney, she's going to take off, but I'm not going to let her embarrass me before she does."

Roxy Carmichael would not return calls or emails requesting comment, but she was spotted smoking a cigarette in front of the People's Revolution office. When asked about her decision to convince Whitney to go to Bergdorf with the sketches, Carmichael said, "Fuck off," flicking a cigarette at a reporter.

Now that is a low-class movie that Olivia would never tolerate.

• Oh, it's on: Tilda Swinton has joined a fight against Donald Trump's latest golf course, which would be built on the Scottish coast and would displace residents. Trump's people responded by calling Swinton and other protesters "extremists." We imagine Swinton can get a bit more extreme than a petition. She looks sweet, but we see some crazy in those eyes. [AP]
  
  
• The ever-fecund Heidi Klum gave birth to her and husband Seal's fourth child, a girl named Lou. Klum's probably too exhausted to speak, so Seal released a statement wondering — and explaining — how he found even more love in his heart for the new tot. We could try to be cynical about this, but good golly, Seal and Klum just too darn adorable. [People]
  
  
• Carrie Underwood will host a two-hour holiday special that will feature Dolly Parton and David Cook. Because, you know, all the other recent variety shows have done so well. [Reuters]
  
  
• Remember when Tyra Banks told us all to kiss her fat ass and stop discussing her weight because she loved herself and all that? Well, now she's dropped four dress sizes. Body confidence must be out this season. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In other weight-related "news:" Star magazine had an expert say that Tori Spelling's only 95 pounds, so Spelling tweeted that she's 107 pounds and the tabloid can weigh her if they want. The aforementioned expert, meanwhile, says that 5'5" Tori's still 13 pounds shy of "remotely healthy." These weight wars sure can be ugly, huh? [Star]
  
  
• Madonna's former trainer, Tracy Anderson, will have to defend herself against a $1 million lawsuit filed by an ex-boyfriend who swears she used her feminine wiles to put a curse on him and make him spend his money on her business. He also claims she made up big, fat whopping lies, like that she had been in Cats and was a Power Ranger, all easily verifiable facts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul Anka will receive 50% of the publishing rights from Michael Jackson's new track, "This is It," because he helped write it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Joe Francis participated in last weekend's gay rights march in DC not because he wants to get good press, but because knows the pain of being dogged by the religious right and can therefore empathize with the same-sex crew. Um, really? [Page Six]
  
  
• Some say gay writer Gore Vidal's an anti-Semite, which explains why people such as former NYC mayor Ed Koch are furious he'll speak at the famously Jewish 92nd Street Y next week. Koch, who some say remains closeted, remarked, "Those who invited him are, as Jews, either most forgiving, or schmucks. The latter word is intended to cover masochists." [Page Six]
  
  
• Are you an Elvis fan with cash to burn? Well, you can bid on a lock of the singer's hair at an auction. It's expected to sell for at least $8,000. [Reuters]
  
  
• Can you believe it? A Los Angeles doorman didn't recognize Whitney Port and she had to wait in line for a half-hour until someone set him straight. Oh, the indignity! [Page Six]

The trouble with Heidi and Spencer began with a visit from Stephanie to their glass coffin when Heidi confessed that she had eaten the poisoned apple and wanted to fall into the deep, deep sleep of motherhood. Spencer only cares about himself and hates kids. We find him to be deplorable but his decision not to spawn with Heidi means to be one of his smarter decisions, like every time he takes off one of his ridiculous hats. But Snow Heidi has enlisted Seven Dwarves of the Apocalypse, and their names are Giuseppe, Luigi, Antonioni, Malfi, Anthony, Vincente, and Enzo, and they are brought over to the house by their parents Caroline and Seth, who are Speidi's new neighbors.

This is all just a plan to get Spender (as Enzo calls him) to get hip to giving her some babies, because she is tired of shopping for clothes for herself and has been banned from just about every clothing store in the greater Los Angeles area, so for her to continue shopping, she must have a baby and enter into the untapped maternity/baby wear retail market. Hey Big Spender (duh da duh nah) is not down with this plan and when Heidi volunteers to babysit for the Seven Dwarves, Spender says "Hey, ho, it's off to work you go," and tells Seth and Caroline to go back to the queen with a deer's heart in a box.

Later, little Enzo escapes the witch's clutches and runs to the embrace of another harpy, Heidi, who puts him under the spell of some video games. The wee thing wails on the Wii and when Spender comes home, he refuses to babysit for free. This is what happily ever after looks like, ladies and gentleman, and we wish that Heidi would just slip back into her coma and leave the rest of us alone.

Once upon a time, Kristin was across town having a conversation with the producers that went something like this:
"Hey Mary from MTV, with your little clip board and denim miniskirt, why am I sitting at this restaurant to have lunch with Audrina and she's not here. Is she coming?"
"No, she's not. How do you feel about that? Are you angry? Show us angry."
"Yeah, I'm angry. At you for wasting my time! Did you know she wasn't coming?"
"Did you know she wasn't coming?"
"I thought she was coming because you set up this lunch and told me to be here. So, is she coming?"
"Well, no. We told her to, but then she went shopping and decided that she didn't want to."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"We were hoping you would throw a scene and make some angry phone calls when she didn't show up. And your cell phone is right here, why don't you pick it up and..."
"I don't want to talk on the phone, I want to have lunch. I'm starving, and I got my hair done all nice and now I have no one to eat with. Don't make me waste good hair on footage we can't even use. Who can you get here?"
"We can probably get Lo. She never has anything better to do."
"Alright get Lo over here."

Twenty minutes later, Lo arrives. They talk about something and we get a few good shots of Kristin's good hair. All is not lost.

Audrina was too busy worring about her new career as a medium. She figured that she looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and that means that she has magic powers. Her first case was to help the lead singer of Vedera, who is possessed by the spirit of Natalie Imbruglia. The spiritual infestation caused her to cut her hair and play the piano and sing while coyly eyeing all the boys in the audience. Audrina thinks that by bringing her friends to the show, she can cure Natalie of her horrible condition, but it doesn't really work, because Audrina is soon possessed by the spirit as well, swaying back and forth and blinking at the stage with her big wide eyes of wonder. Until she feels a disturbance on the spirit plane.

Yes, across town Justin Bobby—who shaved and now looks like Vincent Chase's stunt double from the set of Aquaman after he had that concussion when a giant piece of kelp fell on his head—has arrived to Playhouse, a club where women are suspended from the ceiling for the enjoyment of spoiled L.A. teenagers. It's much like the movie Hostile, but the only hostiles here are everyone when Kristin shows up. She tells Justin Twonames that she just wants to be friends, but she really wants to take sweet revenge on Audrina by shaving her name into Justin Twonames ample pubic hair.

She does this by taking him off in the corner to secretly make out in front of everyone. Stephanie sees and she thinks "Aw shit, I'm going to have to tell Audrina and she is going to try to possess me with her new voodoo powers and make me go over to Kristin's house and cut off her pretty hair." Brody sees it and he thinks, "Damn, that really turns me on. I never realized just how hot Justin Twonames is. No wait, I can't be gay. I'm going to have to round up ten guys and go sit in a hot tub with them, because that is the straightest thing I could possibly do. Miss Female Illusionist Superstar 2006 Jayde sees it and, if she could think, she would think, "Wow, my tuck is really starting to hurt right now."

And then Maleficent turns into a dragon and devours them all and flies off to New York City, where her leather turds land on Canal Street and are shaped into fake purses on The City.

The light from the blinking neon signs of Times Square filters through the Venetian blinds and casts shadows across the face of femme fatale Erin, who goes to private dick Joe Z because she's having some trouble. Her man is seeing another lady called Olivia Palermo. "Not only is she a horrible person and bad at her job, but she looks better than me, with all her money and designer clothes and Rapunzel hair. We need to take her down. I don't have much money, but..." and she presses her manicured nails against Joe Z's well-tailed suit and leans in for a kiss lifting one stockinged leg up in the air. Joe Z turns away, lighting a cigarette and says, "I just don't swing that way, kid. You're going to have to try harder."

Madge Palermo has to go into the seedy underworld of Canal Street to buy some fake bags so that Erin can save her hide from an evil mob boss by producing a segment for the Today show. She got the idea by looking at Madge, who is a real Louis Vuitton, whereas she is the plastic kind that ladies fresh off the Sex and the City bus tour pick up in Chinatown. She hopes no one notices the difference. And if they do, she will slap them and they will say, "It's real." Slap. "It's fake." Slap. "It's real." Slap. "It's fake." Slap. "It's real and it's fake!"

Madge gets in a town car and rides downtown, where she walks down the steps of the subway so that a film crew can film her walking up the stairs and fool everyone in America to think that she rides the underground railroad. She may not take the J/M/Z, but she is on the underground railroad for counterfeit handbags where she meets singing folk hero Fucci Prado. This magical agent of cheap fake leather goods is on the lam from the authorities so he has encoded messages into a song which he sings while walking up and down the sidewalk with a magical menu of his wares. If his tune isn't loud enough, he has also figured out an intricate system of messages in his clothing that displays just what he has for sale and how much it costs.

Madge is wooed by his song and buys his goods, rushing away, but turning around to blow Fucci Prado a kiss and he ambles into the crowd, crooning his city ditty and happy at another good deed performed in the service of market capitalism. She takes her spoils back to the seedy motel that Elle is using for a headquarters, and Private Dick Joe Z is finally seduced by her haul. Erin grabs his crotch and squeals, "But Joe, we had a deal!" and he says, "I don't care, kid. The grass is always greener and you're put out to pasture." She turns on her heel and storms out grabbing her purse and mink stole off a wooden chair on her way out and then she quickly pivots and looks back at Joe Z and says, "You may want her now," and the camera closes in on her face, as a single tears rolls down her cheek from underneath her veil, "But just who is going to take you to the Today show?"

Across town, two other femme fatales are dealing with Whitney, who is like the boring good girl on the show that is written out after the first act, because watching villains is so much more fun. In this case it's Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and Kelly Cutthroat. Roxy Carmichael wants to be everyone's friend and she's trying really hard, even though she is mean and slutty. There's some sort of photo shoot for jeans and Whitney and RC have to drive a bunch of shit over. They don't bring the clips that they are supposed to, and Kelly, looking less haggard and puffy than usual, doesn't yell at them too much.

Then RC tells the client that he should have the model take her top off, because that is what she did after her senior prom, running along the beach with her boyfriend chasing her. It was night and dark and she stripped off her top while he chased her with camera in hand, and she held her ample breasts with one arm as she turned around doe-eyed and gazed into the lens, her eager Cassanova snapping away. As she feel backwards into the dunes, he kissed her so deeply. And in the morning, Cassie had slapped a Guess logo on the photos and sold them for millions of dollars, and all she had was a heart full of hurt and her hair full of sand.

The client loves the idea, and so does Kelly, but she wishes she had her own post-prom fantasy, and later, back at the office, she tells Roxy Carmichael that she is a very good slut, but next time, run her porno inspirations by her so that she can take credit for them. After all, she is the heroine of her own fairy tale, even though most people see her as the monster.

The big news for the sixth season is that Kristin Cavallari of Laguna Beach fame was returning to bitch it up after LC, the show's grand dame of drama, left for greener pastures. And those pastures are green with big money. Today it was announced that the Twilight team will adapt her novel into a movie. Earlier this year Audrina Partridge decided to call it quits for her own reality show and today Stephanie Pratt, the prattling sister of reality über-goober Specer Pratt, said she was quitting the show because she's sick of it.

I can understand why. Last night, I decided it was finally time to cave in to the peer pressure of the pop culture machine and finally watch an episode of this show. Yes, last night Kristin Cavallari popped my Hills cherry and it was excruciating. During the episode, she returns and attends a welcome back party for Spencer and Heidi Pratt (nee Montag), the amalgamation of everything insipid that is known and self-promoted as Speidi. It was less of an excuse to have a party and more of an excuse to have Kristin show up and start some shit, which she does. Because the show exists in its own beautiful snow globe of wealthy white people who only interact with each other, because Kristin wasn't on the show it's like she fell into a wormhole and was transported clear into the Alpha Centauri galaxy never to be heard from again.

Brody Jenner (who I find horribly dreamy in spite of myself) isn't tense about his ex-girlfriend Kristin being teleported back into their tiny sphere by a black hole the producers created out of money and Kristin's failed acting career, but his girlfriend Jayde (who spells her name like a drag queen) is afraid she's going to steal her man. And so is Audrina, who recently broke up with Justin Bobby—who looks like the punchline of a Joaquin Phoenix performance art piece, except he is totally missing all the irony. So they all sit around and talk about this with the sort of tepid trepidation of a year book committee that doesn't want the cover of their magnum opus to be maroon, but navy blue, because they have always dreamed about having a navy yearbook on their coffee table for the rest of their lives, but the school colors are maroon and white, so they have to deal with the color scheme even though it's ruining their lives.

Anyway, Kristin shows up at the party and starts some retarded fight that I don't understand, probably because I haven't had enough Patron shots and don't speak the spoiled patois of the Malibu faux-lite but it had something to do with Kristin talking to Justin Bobby's beard and that made Audrina upset. She yelled a lot and cowed the Year Book Committee to scurry back to the cafeteria to regroup and talk about whether or not they were going to go to some birthday party. Where the same drama is repeated, except without as much yelling.

I watch a lot of really trashy television, but I just don't get The Hills. I understand that it's fun to watch these little wind up toys sputter and twist when faced with the petty squabbles and slights of an insular social circle. I understand that the characters have been made into heroes and villains and that they're all so stupid that there is a certain pitiful superiority one feels while watching them try to navigated massaged reality before the cameras. Yes, I understand it, I just don't get it.

The City, though, I not only get, but totally love. While The Hills feels like regression, The City feels like a progression. It's a similar sort of snow globe, but one where characters actually have goals, things are actually happening, and the fights have real-world consequence.

Whitney Port, a refugee from The Hills, tries to play like she's the poor girl taking on the big, bad city, but she's got a fat pad in the West Villiage and a boss—PR maven Kelly Cutrone—who is encouraging her to work less so she can start her fashion line. Last night, Whitney's old friend Roxy shows up in New York and needs a job and a place to crash. Whitney hooks her up with both, but how does the affably daffy Roxy repay her? By throwing a giant party in her apartment that is so noisy the neighbors call the cops. This sounds just like the Jane Hotel, but it's happening on our TV screen. It's a fun arc that easily plays out easily over 30 minutes and really illustrates the trouble of starting a professional life in the big city in your early 20s—well, if you have a camera crew following you around and a big fat check from producers for just allowing your burgeoning life to be the entertainment for the masses.

The real star of the show, however, is socialite Olivia Palermo, who has been given a job as an accessories editor at Elle and faces off with the magazine's PR chief Erin Kaplan. This is real reality. Everyone knows only privileged and connected white girls get the plum jobs at fashion magazines. And when she gets there, Olivia has the sort of attitude you could expect to find in a girl with a prep school education who probably doesn't have to work for a living. And when she gets in a fight with Kaplan, it's not about who might have flirted with who in front someone's exgirlfriend at a party at the Pink Taco or who didn't say hi to such-and-such because they thought they had bad body odor. It's about a segment on the real live Today show. It's like an actual something. And if Olivia fucks it up then Kathie Lee Gifford is going to track her down and beat her like she's a Chinese sweatshop worker who won't sew fast enough. What's the worst thing that's going to happen to Kristin? Audrina isn't going to like her? Aww...

Yes, I love trashy reality television, but I want there to be real stakes along with the drama and I want it to have some sort of reflection on the world we all live in—that The City it has a reflection on the very specific Manhattan media world I live in probably makes me love it a little bit more. Earlier this week, when Lauren Conrad was asked if she would still watch The Hills she said, ""Probably not, I'll watch The City." Finally, someone from The Hills had something intelligent to say.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and her Sex and The City cast mates need extra security to protect them from hordes of fans. Said one witness, "At one point, teenage girls were practically trampling each other trying to get to Sarah Jessica as she was walking back to her trailer, but her security team was shoving everyone out of the way." Don't worry, though, SJP told her security detail to treat the deranged masses kindly. But not too kindly.[Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer's once-favorite prostitute, bit back at ladies who criticize her. According to Dupre, many women, not just hookers, use their feminine wiles to get bags, clothes and other lavish things. Some men do, too. [NY Post]
  
  
• Freddie Fackelmayer is allegedly Whitney Port's new love interest on The Hills, but they reality couple said nothing to one another during a recent outing to the Jane Hotel. One source couldn't be more pleased, because Fackelmayer's a "total mess." [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, damn! Page Six has a follow-up to the NYDN's item about Alec Baldwin wanting to meet Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel. Says Baldwin, "I don't know her and wasn't looking to meet her, but somehow this ends up in the Daily News — manufacturing a nice gesture into a total BS item suggesting I want to date this woman. Nothing against her, but I'm not dating anyone." [Page Six]
  
  
• Ew. Jon Gosselin has been hanging out in Vegas, buying drinks for ladies and the ladies are returning the favor by giving him massages. And, we fear, more. [Page Six]
  
  
• In other Jon Gosselin news, the father of eight recorded his first interview and says hell demon wife Kate was mean and verbally abused him: "She'll call me like, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former British PM Tony Blair will visit David Letterman's Late Show next week. Expect an explosion of self-deprecating humor. [Reuters]
  
  
• A former assistant for Tyra Banks is suing the mini-mogul for $5,820 in back wages. [TMZ]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will break her silence on Michael's death in an upcoming issue of Harper's Bazaar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Friends and family gathered in Los Angeles yesterday to lay the late DJ AM to rest. [Bauer-Griffin]
  
  
• Lisa Loeb (remember her?) has been impregnated by her husband, Roey Hershkovitz. [ET]
  
  
• Daniel Radcliffe refuses to go to parties populated by lowly B-list celebrities. It's only A-list for him. And rightfully so. [PTI]
  
  
• Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts is not leaving the band, so stop saying he is. [NME]

• One of two things happened to Girls Gone Wild's sleaze impresario, Joe Francis, in an altercation with Brody Jenner and Jenner's girlfriend, the 2008 Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole. Either Joe Francis has moved on from merely exploiting women to now punching them in the back of the head, as Nicole and Jenner claim happened in a club in L.A. Or, to hear Francis' side, karma's beginning to strike back at him in the most literal sense of the term, as he tells it: apparently Jenner and his girlfriend came up to him and hit him reallyfuckinghard both in the cluurb and outside the cluurb. Jenner actually had to be tasered by guards—yes, Brody Jenner, tasered—to put him on ice. Either way, Brody Jenner and Joe Francis got into a fight at a club involving a woman and somehow the universe just didn't unhinge its jaws and swallow all of these people and then ask for some milk. You know what they say: if you give the Universe a cookie, etc. [Page Six]
  
  
• In a Marlon Brando-esque fit of conniption, Kristen Stewart—who is now, let me remind our female, teenage readers, having sex with Robert Pattinson—almost quit acting after not being able to get cast in anything. Then, the celibacy tale known as Twilight came along and swept her off of her translucent feet and gave her a career that will enable her to retire in a few years from pursuits of money, men, and the secret desire to have people living vicariously through one. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• In other news, Robert Pattinson was "blown away" by Kristen Stewart. In other news, somewhere, Stephen Hawking was, too. The universe is amaaaaaaaazing. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rounding out our Kirsten Stewart trifecta of gossip today, she's gonna get nekkid for a new movie. With James Gandolfini. Playing a 16 year-old prostitute. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mark Ronson and Sean Lennon once made "soggies" with Michael Jackson. For the record, "soggies" is not a euphemism for anything other than toilet paper balls soaked in water and thrown off the penthouse floor of a hotel with Jackson. But you certainly thought otherwise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rachel McAdams likes romance and is kind of a cheeseball, she admits. She thinks a romantic night is sitting at home and watching a movie. Tell 'em, girl. Seriously. In other news: Rachel McAdams. Perfectly likable celebrity. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Whitney Port—according to the picture the Post used, looks like a poodle, now?—went to a decent New York restaurant (not a great one) and ordered essentially what comes down to a crudité. Sorry, ladies, but you go to eat out in New York, you don't order a veggie platter. Bad form. At least order a dish, or something. Save the crunch veggies for, I don't know, the Super Bowl party. [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar while vacationing there. The monkey was like, get off my rock, Jason Biggs, and Jason was like, this monkey knows who I am! Also, who goes vacationing in Gibraltar? Is this a destination I wasn't aware of? I always thought you just drove by on a boat, took a picture of the rock, and left. [NYDN]
  
  
• Do you complain about the perils of fame? Chris Martin of Coldplay would like to invite you to STFU. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Elizabeth Berkeley is writing a book! About advice for teens! And she wants your advice! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared. [Daily News]
  
  
• Men are scared of Lily Allen, says Lily Allen. This is after she writes a song about how bad all of her guys are in bed. Honey, have you ever heard of the Floppy Woo? George Gurley would like to have a talk. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And we begin with an altercation just as we end with one. Oasis had a concert. At that concert, they announced they were canceling the show because of an "altercation." Truth be told, one of the two of those insufferable British goon brothers had enough of the other one, and they quit the band. More interesting is that Maura Johnston of Idolator got a good "Friday Night News Dump" joke out of this. Either way, they've done this nine times before, or something, but we can never be too sure. In tribute, please find the "Wonderwall" video below. Happy Saturday, Gossip Roundup. You're gonna be the one to save us. [Idolator and Showbiz Spy]

• Noooo! Gatecrasher speculates that there may be some sort of romantic thing going on between Transformers co-stars Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf. Even though we're very confused about how we feel about Megan Fox, the thought of her with Shia LaBeouf is simply soul-crushing. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Todd Phillips, the director of The Hangover and Old School who does the hilariously creepy cameos in his films, is not a big fan of the Writer's Guild of America. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jamie Fox implored people at BET Awards parties not to be sad, but to be glad and celebrate Jackson's life by doing shots and getting drunk and going with Jamie to his hotel room. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• So there's been all sorts of rumors flying that Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston are an item, so Cooper quickly put all of that to rest by declaring that Aniston is "just a friend." Poor Jennifer—Why won't anyone love her? [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ah the perils of being a modelizing international celebrity—Leonardo DiCaprio was touring some temple in Japan where he had to take off his shoes and someone decided to steal them, so poor Leo had to spend the rest of the day in his bare feet. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears has dyed her hair brown for her new agent boyfriend, who may actually be her fiance since she's been sporting a sparkly diamond ring in her finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Even though her birthday isn't until July, Lindsay Lohan celebrated with a party in Vegas over the weekend where she changed her outfit 5 times over the course of the day. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Whitney Port is engaged in yet another fake relationship for benefit of her crappy "reality" show, this time with some real estate broker dude named Freddy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Liza Minelli's ex-husband David Gest is speaking out about the death of his friend Michael Jackson, but that's not why you should click through this link—The reason you should click through is to see the accompanying picture of an increasingly creepy-looking Gest sporting a new hip-hopy kind of look. [Sun]

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• Kelly Bensimon's absolutely going back on Real Housewives for more catfight action. Apparently, Bethenny Frankel's a bully and needs to be show what the fuck is what. Meanwhile, while no official diagnosis has been made, this woman's clearly shown a pattern of cognitive cognitive dissonance, and is totally insane, because I don't think anybody likes her or sees it that way. Right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Page Six has a brilliant item on some MTV Movie Awards anecdotes: Whitney Port from The City had to be removed from sitting next to Twilight star Kristen Stewart after she called Twilight "really bad" and Stewart's performance in it "one-dimensional." Uta Hagen agrees! Also, the Disney kids had to be kept away from the Nickelodeon kids before a Warriors-esque knife fight broke out, because Nickelodeon believes Disney's kids are "tainted." Wow. The show airs tonight, it's probably gonna suck. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Killers' singer Brandon Flowers and his wife are expecting a second baby soon. Will he be human, or will he be dancer? The choice isn't really yours, but it should be. Then again, we'd all choose "dancer," anyway. [People]
  
  
• Tone Loc collapsed during a concert in Pensacola, Florida (home to the University of West Florida's Fightin'...Argonauts..) after having one cup too many of the Funky Cold Medina and overheating. He's gonna be fine. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Okay, really, this is maybe the best thing I've ever read on Page Six, if only because they made an item out of it: co-author of The Communist Manifesto Friedrich (or in P6 Speak: FRIEDRICH) Engels was a homophobe, loved hookers, and was a sexual predator, according to a new book on him. Scandalous! Next Page Six item, please: Chairman Mao Is An Alcoholic Dick! I love where this could go. [Page Six]
  
  
• Melissa Joan Hart opened up a candy store! It's called Sweet Harts (get it?) and a pissed-off has-been talking cat staffs the counter and doesn't want you sampling anything. Just buy it and get out, please. Also, related. [People]
  
  
• Will the 90's-oriented gossip items ever end? Answer: hell to the no. Tank Girl star - yes, Tank Girl - Lori Petty hit a skateboarder with her car last night in LA, and is sitting in jail on a felony DUI charge, being held on a $100K bail. I wish Ice-T could dress in a rat suit and bust her out, too. We all do. [TMZ]
  
  
• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou had a baby yesterday; it was a boy, and he's probably gonna be a decent looking kid. But the US news item about it had this typically bizarre quote from Kimora in it: "Asked if she wanted more kids, Simmons previously told Us, "I would love to. I practice everyday." Practice...how? [US Weekly]
  
  
• The Clintons are looking for new digs: Woodstock is probably ruled out (seriously). Apparently, Bill's friend, the drummer from The Band, Levon Helm, lives up there. Most likely, Hil's going to spoil his party, and they're going to remain in Westchester. Boring. [R&M]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley's advice to women: "Have an exit strategy." She doesn't see the point in being married after number four fell apart, which is sad, because she's endearingly cute and truthfully, at 55, still a MILF. Sorry. It's true. We should set her up with someone nice. [NYDN]