• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
• 
  
• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
• 
  
• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
• 
  
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• 
  
• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
• 
  
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
• 
  
• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
• 
  

  Exhibit A.
  

1) The Hangover — $33.4 million
Dude. Proving that word-of-mouth is more powerful movie mojo than any marketing trick, tool, or stratagem combined, this $35 million film has earned three times that much in just two weeks. Dropping only about 25% from last weekend's debut barnstorm, this thing is likely to keep going and going and going until it's earned over $200 million and everyone is fattened and wealthy and, yes, drunk. Would you have ever guessed that Heather Graham would be back in the top spot again? Or that Rachel Harris would ever be there for the first time? Or Mike Tyson? This is the stuff of comedy weirdo dreams and, oh lord yes, you can expect a long string of knock-offs. The K-Hole starring Breckin Meyer, anyone?

2) Up — $30.5 million
Lordy, this one can't be stopped either. Pic's already hauled in nearly $190 million, and it hasn't even opened overseas yet. Pixar has a proud history of stomping the international yard, and this flick ought to be no exception. Unless they can't get a good foreign guy to do a decent Ed Asner impression. Because that's really key. Also, Belgian people just don't like balloons. Don't ask them why. They just don't like 'em. And we all know how much the Japanese hate fat boy scouts. A lot.

3) The Taking of Pelham 123 — $25 million
Am I an idiot that I can't figure out just what the fuck subway car the thing is supposed to be? Is it on the 123 line? It doesn't look like it in the trailers. Maybe everyone else was confused too, because this movie just didn't open the way people had hoped it would. And it actually got some decent reviews. I guess the lesson is this: Denzel opens well in the spring or fall or winter, when he doesn't have slobby belching comedians and magic houses to contend with. And John Travolta? Well, I fear the era of John Travolta may have been mortally wounded around the time of Battlefield Earth and never quite recovered. That was when he finally teetered over the brink from kinda unhinged in a cool way (so great in Face/Off!) to just fucking weird and indulgent and completely unhinged in unpleasant way. That said, Old Dogs will do a billion dollars when it opens.

5) Land of the Lost — $9.6 million
Yeesh. This thing is basically dead now. With only some $35 million earned so far, the hundred-million-dollar movie will have to go big overseas (it won't—ferners don't really get our funny stuff) or do crazy on DVD (it won't—people will forget it even exists) to make any sorta profit. So, sad for everyone, but hopefully at least one good thing will come out of this. One hopes that the hideous trend that began maybe fifteen years ago of people looking at kitschy old TV shows and making movies out of them will end. I mean, yeah, The Brady Bunch Movie was kind of funny and... um... wait is that it? What am I forgetting? Lost in Space: Unbelievable trainwreck. Beverly Hillbillies: Un-fucking-watchable. Bewitched: Will, why? Starsky & Hutch: Maybe one funny joke. Miami Vice: Maybe sorta interesting, maybe also extremely boring. Basically what we're saying is: You sure you wanna do this, people producing The A Team?

6) Imagine That — $5.7 million
Buried by an almost completely-silent marketing campaign and then a raft of shitty reviews, the latest Eddie Murphy flop isn't even surprising. During his brief regaining of the BO crown—around the Nutty Professor/Dr. Doolittle age—Murphy's blend of crazy! and family seemed unstoppable. Now it's... entirely stoppable. Like less than $2,000 per screen on an opening weekend stoppable. I guess you have to respect Murphy for keepin' on plugging away. Maybe for every Imagine That or Meet Dave or Norbit there's also a... disappointing Oscar lose for Dreamgirls. Hey, at least you have The Incredible Shrinking Man and Beverly Hills Cop IV to look forward to, Eddie! At least there's... that.

Will Ferrell couldn't host SNL without getting around to Celebrity Jeopardy, though they pulled out two serious stops for this one: Tom Hanks as Tom Hanks, Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds, and Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery, which is why we're here. Certainly not as great as of the CJ's of the past. Then again, I'm not sure who thought of it, but whoever did, genius: there was nothing more fun on TV this week (sorry, Lost) than watching Tom Hanks try to maneuver through plastic dry cleaning wrap.

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Ferrell's opening monologue was essentially one giant "fuck you" to the Tony voting committee and Broadway, who - if they have any brains about them at all - will give themselves national exposure by handing Ferrell a Tony for his solo show on Broadway (and subsequent HBO special). He's competing against Liza Minnelli. Somewhere, Brian Friel is not laughing. The joke about theater people's pompous self-seriousness is (especially in New York) ridiculously funny. And sadly: resonant. Unfortunately, outside of New York, it might not take.

Speaking of the Bush show, the cold open was Ferrell doing Dubya, of course - when's that going to get old for him? Will it? - and Hammond as Cheney. Again, Ferrell trying to push home the Tony win. Some of the late night ladies at Jezebel didn't like it; personally, I enjoyed. Anything with the words "face shooting" in it gets a chortle, here, but I'm a cheap date. You?

Clearly the favorite amongst the cast who came close to breaking character a bunch of times. Watch Jason Sudeikis try to handle this without laughing, especially around the five-minute mark. Jokes about speed, Bill Hader getting some strangeness in - something about a green Swatch - Maya Rudolph coming in and making complete, absolute, arbitrary nonsense. It was wonderful.

Finally: the cameo-laden finale. Spoiler: it's Ferrell doing "Goodnight Saigon." Kinda fitting. That band has Anne Hathaway, Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss, Amy Poehler, musical guests Green Day, and Paul Rudd in it. Again, this one sits squarely on the shoulders of its stars, not the writing.

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Oh yeah: Green Day was the musical guest and played some stuff off their new album, but when's a band gonna come on SNL and not do that? Remember when SNL musical performances used to be mildly interesting? Green Day should've come out dressed as 14 year-olds, played "Basketcase," broke some shit, and left. Memo to Lorne Michael: think dynamic. Also, question for Lorne Michaels: Did you burn through your entire Rolodex to pull this one off? Probably. Did it help that you had one of your best and brightest alumni hosted? Naturally. But you can't pull a glued audience simply based on the potential promise of cameos and only half-decent writing that your ace(s)-in-the-hole can walk circles around. You're gonna run out of ringers, eventually.

Jim Carrey will play the Devil who tempts die-hard Washington Senators fan Joe Boyd, who's sick of watching the Yankees win all the damn time, to sell him his soul in exchange for a victorious season. Carrey in that role makes sense. But Boyd, who magically becomes slugger Joe Hardy and helps the Senators win, will oddly, and sort of annoyingly, be played by noted rap video star Jake Gyllenhaal. His hip-hop career aside, Gyllenhaal's biggest brush with the musical was his disastrous (on purpose, I guess) "And I Am Telling You" warble when he hosted Saturday Night Live a while back. There's been nothing announced about the musical's most important part, the sexy vamp Lola (she gets what she wants) that the Devil uses to tempt Joe. May we suggest not Anne Hathaway. [Variety]

Will Ferrell and the always-hilarious Mark Wahlberg have been cast in The B Team, an action comedy directed by longtime Ferrell collaborator Adam McKay. The producers are working hard to nail down that title, as an adaptation of 80's wacka-wacka fest The A-Team is already in the works. [Variety]

In his continued efforts to one day assemble the world's absolute sexiest film cast, which could make the universe wink out of existence like a hard-bodied Large Hadron Collider, Woody Allen has nabbed Antonio Banderas to be in his next film, which already stars Naomi Watts, Josh Brolin, Slumdog Millionaire beauty Freida Pinto, and, um, Sir Anthony Hopkins. The film shoots in London and, every night, in the little smut movie house in Allen's head. [Variety]

The sometimes likable, other times irksome Seth Green has been cast in Robert Zemeckis' latest weirdo performance-capture movie, called Mars Needs Moms. He joins his Austin Powers mother Mindy Sterling, as well as Joan Cusack and Dan Fogler, the dude from Balls of Fury (and from the musical 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, for which he won a Tony). [THR]

In TV, Brittany Snow has been cast as a young Lily van der Woodsen in that new Gossip Girl spin-off. Funny, we thought Snow's movie career was burgeoning. Also in television: Respectable actors Denis O'Hare and David Morse have been cast in TV pilots, and Jessica Capshaw now has a gig as a lesbian love interest on Grey's Anatomy. [EW, THR, EW]

Well, let's put it this way: If this is the kind of thing you could imagine paying $116 to see, then you'll probably love it! For everyone else, it'll be on HBO eventually.

Here's a round-up of what the critics are saying:

· "The real triumph of You're Welcome is that it really isn't about Bush. It's about us. The man onstage represents Dubya, but also another institution, the Dubya Impression-our only real ownership over a remote, diffident, and frightening presidency. We're saying good-bye to both. The experience is bittersweet, but Ferrell and McKay clearly lean toward the bitter." [New York]

· "[U]ltimately this production is less about the legacy of George W. Bush than it is about the comic persona that has been perfected by Will Ferrell. "You're Welcome America" is a lot like Mr. Ferrell's more middling movies, not quite on a level with "Blades of Glory" or "Talladega Nights." Sometimes it's really funny, and sometimes it sort of sags. I laughed, I yawned." [NY Times]

· "Despite minimal input from four other players — including Secret Service agent dance breaks that serve little purpose beyond giving Ferrell time for costume changes — this is basically a solo show, more standup than play. And from his airborne entrance to his faux-reflective exit ("Am I the worst president of all time?"), Ferrell is deep in character — absolutely in charge and at ease, notably in a freestyle segment in which he comes up with instant nicknames for audience members." [Variety]

· "The show (written by Ferrell and directed by his regular partner, Adam McKay) earns the biggest laughs when it's most absurdly fictitious: An extended riff on a plan to train wild monkeys to shoot spear guns in Iraq is blindingly funny, as is a romantic interlude with a short-skirted, aggressively grinding Condoleezza Rice (a raucous Pia Glenn, who seems to have borrowed Gene Simmons' tongue). But many of the jabs aimed at actual events - the 2000 election, the ''Mission Accomplished'' speech, Katrina - feel like sketches that have been done better and far earlier on The Daily Show: We know, we know, Brownie didn't do a heckuva job." [EW]

· "Giving away tooo many lines would ruin the evening, but I can tell you some highlights include Ferrell's mispronouncing of Niger; his referring to Obama as "the Tiger Woods guy"; and the repeated showings of a slide of his penis to make a point (you heard me)...Great art? No way. Slickly amusing, and money making? Yup." [Village Voice]

· "But Ferrell's shots both overreach and fail to sting. His Bush isn't just an unqualified yahoo, but a sexually confused multi-substance abuser - we're informed that he once lived with a man in Vermont - who is eager to move into a "whites-only community in Dallas where I can pay immigrants to clear brush for me, like God intended." Other references to race, religion, ethnicity and lifestyle similarly aim to shock and amuse and do neither." [USA Today]

The New York Times's Ben Brantely found it fun, if a bit slow in parts:

But ultimately this production is less about the legacy of George W. Bush than it is about the comic persona that has been perfected by Will Ferrell. "You're Welcome America" is a lot like Mr. Ferrell's more middling movies, not quite on a level with "Blades of Glory" or "Talladega Nights." Sometimes it's really funny, and sometimes it sort of sags. I laughed, I yawned.

Um... Blades of Glory, really? No. Nothing with Jon Heder has ever been, or will ever be, funny. Even that Napoleon thing. Never.

The New York Post thought it was yuks-heavy but slight as well:

Granted, the generally lowbrow humor of "You're Welcome America. A Final Night with George W. Bush" is hardly cutting-edge political satire. Basically a (nearly) solo extended sketch, it's theatrical comfort food for Broadway audiences who want to see one of their favorite comic actors live.

The grouch at USA Today hated it, shockingly:

You're Welcome America offers fresh ammunition to those who would cast Bush's detractors as petty, snooty and redundant. ... The highlight of You're Welcome America arrives toward the end, when Ferrell invites audience members to tell him their occupations so that he can give them nicknames, as Bush did his colleagues. At a recent preview, one brave man who identified himself as a critic was dubbed "Obsolete Professional." Fair enough. But for what this obsolete professional's opinion is worth, Ferrell's mission ought to have been aborted.

The New York Daily News was the most praising of the three:

The stage is mostly bare, with just a few props and video screens where images of places, faces and ruder body parts help set the scene. If some sequences run out of steam, another laugh is looming just around the bend. Ferrell has Dubya down pat - the stance, butthead chuckle, constant squint and tumbleweed twang, which sparks one of the show's best jokes.

The "ruder body part" referred to there is apparently a picture of a penis.

So it sounds like the show is a good time, if not a bit of a retread of material previously seen on Saturday Night Live. Unlike that show, however, tickets to You're Welcome America are seriously expensive. I kinda feel like I have to see it live, but will more than likely just watch the live broadcast on HBO in March.

Tall, fit (for an old guy), BUT he definitely has been tanning WAY too much AND he was definitely wearing makeup.

MEN

1. Dana Carvey, 3:04:21 (Ocean to Bay Marathon, 1972) — Carvey is the only hint this marathon ever existed, though with photographic evidence scarce, we reluctantly place him at the top of the list of the World's Fastest Celeb Marathoner.

2. Björn Ulvaeus, 3:23:54 (Stockholm Marathon, 1980) — The ABBA co-founder also engineered a revolutionary antecedent to the Walkman and iPod, trademarking the waist-cinching Phonostrap to blast LP's on his high-energy training runs.

3. William Baldwin, 3:24:29 (New York City Marathon, 1992) — Before Alec divorced Kim Basinger, he was the only Baldwin brother to finish a marathon.

4. George W. Bush, 3:44:52 (Houston Marathon, 1993) — In an eerie harbinger of things to come, finished in 158th place but was declared the winner anyway.

5. Will Ferrell, 3:56:12 (Boston Marathon, 2003) — Trained naked, obviously, but ran the marathon in full Alex Trebex regalia (see above).

WOMEN

1. Kim Alexis, 3:52:00 (New York City Marathon, 1992) — Would likely have broken 3:40 if not for the mid-race "stretch break" with Baldwin.

2. Oprah Winfrey, 4:29:20 (Marine Corps Marathon, 1994) — Wanted to get in shape for her internationally televised Oscar humiliation by David Letterman less than four months later.

3. Lisa Ling, 4:34:18 (Boston Marathon, 2002) — Cost her View co-host and compulsive marathon-better Barbara Walters $1,200 when she couldn't finish under 4:30.

4. Katie Holmes, 5:29:58 (New York City Marathon, 2007) — If she finished at all. We're not so sure.

5. Ali Landry, 5:41:41 (Boston Marathon, 2002) — The former Miss USA vowed to finish the marathon if it was the last thing she ever did. And with the exception of her short-lived series on the WB, it pretty much was.

• Why I'm Running the NYC Marathon [HuffPo]

• List of Marathoners [Wikipedia]

The last great era that show saw was the fall of 2000, when their political humor was at its peak. Will Ferrell and Darryl Hammond were the dynamic duo of that election season, because Al Gore and George Bush were such perfect foils for each other. The comedic possibilities for Obama/McCain are not nearly as great, but ... whoo-boy do those VPs bring a lot to the table.

I would post my favorite sketch from that era here, but NBC has stupidly not provided any clips of it on Hulu. Way to seize the moment, guys! So I'll just throw this one up there, because it's hilarious and then leave you to your own devices.

By the way, Barack Obama himself was actually supposed to appear on SNL tonight, but canceled to due to Hurricane Ike. Which brings us full circle. Yay! I'm out for the evening and someone else will walk in the sun with you tomorrow. It was fun! Thanks for having me and thanks for reading!

[Hulu; HuffPo, ABC News]

Boomp3.com

The automatic doors of LAX refused to open for comedic actor Will Ferrell on Friday morning. The doors were making a stand against Ferrell's recent string of feature films. The intercom voice said, "The automatic doors are for people who don't make the same movie over and over again." Ferrell attempted to go through, but the doors would not budge. Ferrell cited the film Stranger Than Fiction as a stretch of his acting diversity. The intercom voice chimed back, "We tried to record that on the DVR, but there was a recording error." Ferrell asked the doors what they wanted him to do. The intercom voice told it would be in Ferrell's best interest if he takes a summer or two off and let the American public learn to love him again. Ferrell agreed to the deal and quickly made his way through the door.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

boomp3.com

At the premiere of his latest film, Step Brothers, Will Ferrell attempted to use his newly acquired telepathic skills to make peoples' head explode. Ferrell recently watched the 1981 David Cronenberg film Scanners and felt inspired to pursue the telepathic arts. Ferrell said, "I started out small. Using my mind to blow up cantaloupes, watermelons. You know, the Gallagher classics. Now, I feel that I'm ready to move onto bigger things."

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

One has to wonder if Ferrell isn't trying to undermine the competition, however, considering how not-funny the clip is. Neither Ferrell nor Reilly can seem to decide who's the straight man and who's the goofball. IBeatYou should probably stick to promoting itself with Jessica Alba — 758 users participated in her staring contest, compared to twelve so far for Ferrell and Reilly.

Columbia Pictures has set an untitled comedy that will star Sacha Baron Cohen as master detective Sherlock Holmes and Will Ferrell as Watson, his crime-solving partner.

Etan Cohen ("Tropic Thunder") is writing the script, and Judd Apatow and Jimmy Miller will produce.

"Just the idea of Sacha and Will as Sherlock Holmes and Watson makes us laugh," said Col co-prexy Matt Tolmach. "Sacha and Will are two of the funniest and most talented guys on the planet, and having them take on these two iconic characters is frankly hilarious."

While Holmes purists will likely decry this an an outrageous Ferrelification* of sacred text, we are already giddily anticipating what stylistic flourishes Cohen will bring to the morphine-hooked crime-solver, and how long it will take before he pulls the costume designer aside to explain how he "always pictured Holmes as being the most... anatomically gifted...of all the great detectives. If you catch my drift. Perhaps we could reimagine those frumpy cloaks he wears into something like a nice Victorian bicycle-short? Smuggling a can of Krylon? I'm just spitballing here."

*Defined by The New Hollywood Heritage Dictonary as "any screen treatment in which a profoundly dimwitted, frequently arrogant central character sporting a buffoonish hairdo figures prominently."

• Holmes pic nabs Baron Cohen, Ferrell [Variety]

Over all, American studios depend on foreign markets for roughly half of total revenue. But Apatow-produced films like the Will Ferrell vehicles Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, did more than 90 percent of their theatrical business domestically. And the Apatow-directed 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up had more than 60 percent of sales at home.

The numbers should give pause to Hollywood. When the summer selling season is over, studios will probably collect far less from international markets than they would have with a larger roster of high-budget fantasies like Spider-Man 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Last year, those two movies did very well at home, then fared even better around the world.

At least until Apatow deigns to an international slob-comedy diplomacy mission to shoot Superbad 2 on Michael Cera and Jonah Hill's study-abroad journey in Paris, the trick may be to just make the movies worse, hints The Times: What Happened in Vegas and Night at the Museum each outperformed their domestic grosses in international release. This could be as simple as outsourcing scripts or casting Ashton Kutcher, but in any case, we hope he does it soon; word on the street is that OPEC hates the trailer for Step Brothers.

• When a Film's Comedy is Lost in Translation [NYT]

It's an interesting deal for Hollywood, where traditionally people don't get out of bed unless there's cash money on the table. With more stars, producers and writers moving into venture-backed deals like FunnyorDie's, you might see more hot names demanding that studios and networks invest in their startups as part of other deals. It may be the only way Ashton Kutcher can keep Ooma alive.