Gawker: workouts

Jesus Gyms: Helping To Ease Christians Out Of The Mainstream

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 10:40:48 EDT

You love working out. You love Jesus. But gyms are such meat markets: sweaty, sculpted, sexy bodies everywhere, driving your brain crazy thinking about... not the church bake sale, if you know what we mean. (Sex). So what to do? Where can you go? Is this all a setup leading into a trend story about the astounding success of a Christian-themed gym located, predictably, in Florida? God yes! And furthermore, we think it's great:

The gym offers classes including "Yogod," its take on yoga, and "Chariots of Fire," a spinning class. Spaghetti-strap tank tops and short shorts are not allowed, and women's tops must cover their bottoms...

"I don't need anything to lead me into temptation," Mr. Heistad said. "I can get there on my own."

"It's a Christian business, a Christian environment," he added. "It's a better feel. You stand a little taller, don't grunt, don't get pumped and yell, 'Daddy's got a new set of pipes.' "

Hey: it keeps the Christians out of our gyms. Daddy's got a new set of pipes, baby, yea!

[NYT]

Spin Class Berserker Cleared In Court

Ryan Tate — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:56:09 EDT

A jury today acquitted that stockbroker who upended a fellow spin-class participant's stationary bike. Christopher Carter had gone after Stuart Sugarman for shouting "Yeah!" and "You go girl!" at the top of his lungs after the class instructor declined to intervene. The district attorney went after him for assault, which would have carried up to a year in prison, but jurors were sympathetic to Carter's plight. One told the Times: "I probably would have helped Carter with telling the instructor, 'Look at this guy. He’s being a nuisance.'" Well, yes, but Sugarman spent two weeks in the hospital with neck injuries. What does it take to get Equinox gym to intervene in one of these classes? And, most importantly, is it really a safe place for so many of our alleged closeted gay celebrities? [Times] (Public domain photo via Wikipedia)

Steroids Reconsidered

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:12:50 EDT

"I can't imagine how my mom would feel if she found out both of my brothers are on steroids right now," says Christopher Bell, the narrator and director of a new documentary called Bigger, Faster, Stronger. Well he can imagine it now, because he made a movie about his brothers being on steroids! Along with other important American cultural figures like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hulk Hogan, and Sly Stallone. The film is billed as a real, down-to-earth look at all sides of the steroids issue, not just a one-sided condemnation. These drugs are for stupid people and cheaters, but they're also everywhere. Why can't you look like that ripped guy in the gym? Because he's on steroids. Simple! (Anybody know any media people on steroids? Email us). The early reviews are good, and this is yet another thing that guys can do this weekend instead of seeing Sex And The City. Watch the trailer, after the jump.

[Pictured: True roid freak Gregg Valentino]

Inside The Mind Of A Spinning Class Dude

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:16:54 EDT

Last year, tabloids were abuzz with the story of a spinning class gone bad on the Upper East Side. One man was assaulted by another man, right in the middle of class. To be fair, the man who was assaulted—48-year-old Stuart Sugarman—is the type of guy who likes to shout out "you go girl!" and "great song!" during spinning class. A fellow spinner, irate at Stuart's unceasing exclamations, grabbed his bike and slammed him against the wall. Now the case has finally come to trial, and Sugarman took the stand yesterday, resulting in what is perhaps the finest exercise-related legal news story of the year:

For Stuart Sugarman, 48, any amount of noise goes. From the witness stand in Manhattan Criminal Court yesterday, Mr. Sugarman told a jury about grunting during a good workout and releasing exclamations of "you go girl," and "great song."
"Are you psyched?" an assistant district attorney, Brigid Harrington, asked Mr. Sugarman, in an effort to explore his mind-set during spinning class.

"I am," Mr. Sugarman said.

And what did his psycheness get him? Humiliation.

Mr. Sugarman said he hit the wall behind him hard when Mr. Carter lifted up his bike. Although he continued to pedal throughout the remaining half-hour of the class, Mr. Sugarman said his body grew numb.
"I was in shock," Mr. Sugarman said. "I was in searing pain but I didn't know what to do."

He continued a little later: "The class is mostly women and it's pretty embarrassing for a guy who is athletic to have this happen to him."

[NYS; pic via Peter Krogh]

[Confidential to both guys: stop all the spinning and take a look at this.]

Bally's Is Not Ready For A Britney Spears Endorsement

Hamilton Nolan — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:15:27 EDT

The internets are ablaze with the controversial question that has come to define our era: Will Britney Spears be the next spokesperson for Bally's Fitness? The rumors started this month, with appropriate denials from the company, Ever since the LA Times broached the topic last week by noting all the time Britney's been spending at the gym with her two trainers, the celebroblogosphere has been on permanent Bally's watch. The company claims they're just helping her get into shape out of concern for her health. And let's hope so. Can you imagine the escape clauses that would have to go into a spokesperson contract with the mentally unstable pop tart?

—Any gain in body fat of more than 5% will result in this contract being void.

—Trips to fast food outlets in excess of one per week will result in this contract being void.

—Publicized drug use will result in this contract being void.

—Photos showing spokesperson driving with kids not restrained by child safety seats will result in this contract being void.

—The release of a new album that sucks will result in this contract being void.

—On stage performances featuring a zombified spokesperson who is clearly too drugged out of her mind to perform the necessary dance moves will result in this contract being void.

—The spokesperson's inevitable regression towards her natural body composition will result in this contract being void.

—Discovery that our spokesperson is in fact Britney Spears, a danger to herself and others, will result in this contract being void.

—How about we just give you two free personal trainers and reap the free publicity instead?

(Confidential to Britney: These people don't care about your health. Drop them immediately in favor of this:)

The Media Wants You Fat And Broke!

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:51:49 EDT

First, the media implants an unattainable idea in our heads about what a human body should look like. Then, on top of that, popular publications give confusing advice about how to achieve that impossibly cut look! In the last couple of days, the lying liberal media has published several articles on various fitness techniques. You don't need to read any of them, because we're about to round them all up and drop some serious knowledge on you about the phony, media-driven fitness fantasy. After the jump, how to save money and kick ass in this shallow, workout-obsessed world.

Let's examine three fitness programs profiled in the last two days:

1. Crossfit, via the NYT—CrossFit is an internet-based cult of fitness for psychos, itinerant preachers, ex-killers, and crazy people of all stripes. I have met some people who do CrossFit, and they are scarily in shape and also not at all fun to be around. All you have to do is complete the psycho workout routine posted online every day. Sample, from Friday:

For time:
15 Handstand push-ups
1 L Pull-up
13 Handstand push-ups
3 L Pull-ups
11 Handstand push-ups
5 L Pull-ups
9 Handstand push-ups
7 L Pull-ups
7 Handstand push-ups
9 L Pull-ups
5 Handstand push-ups
11 L Pull-ups
3 Handstand push-ups
13 L Pull-ups
1 Handstand push-up
15 L Pull-ups

Post time to comments.

Seriously, just forget CrossFit. It will make you insane.

2. Gyrotonics, via the NY Sun—Gyrotonics is based on a huge, complicated machine that is specially designed to extract money from the wallets of idly rich women. It looks like this:

The hustle is that you have to go to some particular specialist on this particular machine to help you unlock its magical potential, while you pay them handsomely for their secret knowledge. Here's another idea: grab a towel, pull it till your shoulders feel stretched out, then go run stairs until you're in shape. Fuck gyrotonics.

3. "Hollywood's Dirty Diet Secrets," via the NYDN—finally, something real. Also, sick. Did you know Hollywood starlets go on crazy crash diets which consist mostly of smoking, drinking coffee, and doing coke, supplemented only by lettuce or boiled eggs or lemonade or something equally ridiculous? Yes, you probably did know that. Combining laxative tea with fasting and five-hour daily workouts reportedly produces some real results. The downside is that you will be totally dead pretty quick. But yes, you will leave a pretty corpse.

What does it really take to get fit? Nothing more than an iron will, the Eye of the Tiger, buckets of sweat, hours of pain, days of hope, years of conquest, and THIS: