The yogurt business is not the happy field of pleasant cows that you might imagine. It’s a seething hive of trickery, con jobs, and hustlers who will go to almost any length to make you, the consumer, forget that you are eating bad yogurt.
Research shows that Chobani yogurt ads served to people searching on Yahoo for “yogurt-related terms” did indeed result in them buying more Chobani. Imagine a human pathetic enough to use the worst search engine and eat the worst Greek yogurt. What a vile and disheartening tableau.
Icelandic Prime Minister Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson will step down today in the wake of revelations in the “Panama Papers” linking him and his wife to an offshore company that may have presented a conflict of interest.
When you think of protests in the United States, you probably imagine militarized cops in SWAT gear, pepper spray, shootings, and billy club beatdowns. In Iceland, they’re hurling yogurt.
“Yogurting” is the new advertising term being adopted by a brand of smoothies, meant to indicate that “You don’t even need a spoon” to consume the thin, milky gruel. I guess anything can call itself yogurt these days. Good yogurt requires a spoon.
As a connoisseur of fine yogurt, you can approach life in one of two ways: get bogged down in the muck of inferior yogurt trench warfare, or you can put on your headphones and settle in with some quality yogurt—because brother, life is too short for bad curdles.
Bad yogurt manufacturer Chobani will be the official Greek yogurt provider for America’s federal school lunch program. Appropriate. For children, Chobani; for adults, Fage; and for society’s most respected heroes, Noosa. Don’t waste the good stuff on kids.
Bad yogurt company Chobani, whose product is to “Greek yogurt” what fermented urine is to champagne, has stooped to an outrageous, sexy new low in trying to distract the public from the taste of its pasty goo.
Hamdi Ulukaya, the creator of the execrable yogurt brand Chobani, has pledged to donate most of his billion-dollar fortune to charity, when all we really want is our $1.69 back for that nasty cup of Chobani.
Hamdi Ulukaya, the recently demoted CEO of garbage yogurt company Chobani, is now focusing his efforts on “developing new products like Flips, a yogurt with toppings on the side.” The only way that could be a more blatant ripoff of Fage would be if Chobani also tasted good.
As an American who is fortunate enough to have ready access to the finest yogurt from around the world, a sense of revulsion at watery, inferior European yogurt brands is nothing new. But now we know that these inferior yogurt brands are actual criminals.
If you hear lovers of delicious and nutritious yogurt exclaiming "Ding dong!" this morning, you may follow up by exclaiming "The witch is dead!" The king of inferior Greek yogurt has fallen from his curdled throne.
Put down that glass of milk right now! Don't be alarmed—try this. It's called yogurt. I think u gonna like it (and so will your health as well).
Well, it's done: New York governor Andrew Cuomo has declared yogurt the "Official New York State Snack." Andrew Cuomo is little more than a dancing puppet for Chobani's chalky, curdled agenda. Disgusting and outrageous.
Scientists are developing a yogurt with special molecules that can be used to screen for colorectal cancer. I know what they should call it: Chobani, because that yogurt already tastes like poop/ butts.
Greece: a proud nation. A nation with a long history (Socrates???). An unpretentious nation that supports itself by exporting a single brilliant idea: Greek yogurt. We hate to see the Proud Greek People viciously assaulted by xenophic corporate propaganda.
Okay—so it says here that skyr from Iceland thinks it is going to be the next big yogurt? Oh please—yeah right. Good luck—go fuck yourselves.
If you thought yogurtmania had already reached its inevitable fever pitch, you clearly haven't been eating enough yogurt to keep your brain strong. Now, instead of just eating all those active cultures in Fage and two-bit hack yogurt Chobani, you can rub Greek yogurt all over your body for cleanliness and moisturizing.
Shame on New York's dysfunctional state government: last night, in a disgusting display of favoritism for special interests, our State Senate attempted to hand the public's whole motherhumping life and legacy over to the forces of Big (Garbage) Yogurt.
Garbage yogurt brand Chobani is planning to launch several new products this year, including desserts and dips. Maybe one of their new products will be "good yogurt."
