The yogurt business is not the happy field of pleasant cows that you might imagine. It’s a seething hive of trickery, con jobs, and hustlers who will go to almost any length to make you, the consumer, forget that you are eating bad yogurt.
“Yogurting” is the new advertising term being adopted by a brand of smoothies, meant to indicate that “You don’t even need a spoon” to consume the thin, milky gruel. I guess anything can call itself yogurt these days. Good yogurt requires a spoon.
As a connoisseur of fine yogurt, you can approach life in one of two ways: get bogged down in the muck of inferior yogurt trench warfare, or you can put on your headphones and settle in with some quality yogurt—because brother, life is too short for bad curdles.
Bad yogurt company Chobani, whose product is to “Greek yogurt” what fermented urine is to champagne, has stooped to an outrageous, sexy new low in trying to distract the public from the taste of its pasty goo.
Hamdi Ulukaya, the recently demoted CEO of garbage yogurt company Chobani, is now focusing his efforts on “developing new products like Flips, a yogurt with toppings on the side.” The only way that could be a more blatant ripoff of Fage would be if Chobani also tasted good.
As an American who is fortunate enough to have ready access to the finest yogurt from around the world, a sense of revulsion at watery, inferior European yogurt brands is nothing new. But now we know that these inferior yogurt brands are actual criminals.
If you hear lovers of delicious and nutritious yogurt exclaiming "Ding dong!" this morning, you may follow up by exclaiming "The witch is dead!" The king of inferior Greek yogurt has fallen from his curdled throne.
Greece: a proud nation. A nation with a long history (Socrates???). An unpretentious nation that supports itself by exporting a single brilliant idea: Greek yogurt. We hate to see the Proud Greek People viciously assaulted by xenophic corporate propaganda.
Okay—so it says here that skyr from Iceland thinks it is going to be the next big yogurt? Oh please—yeah right. Good luck—go fuck yourselves.
Shame on New York's dysfunctional state government: last night, in a disgusting display of favoritism for special interests, our State Senate attempted to hand the public's whole motherhumping life and legacy over to the forces of Big (Garbage) Yogurt.
Garbage yogurt brand Chobani is planning to launch several new products this year, including desserts and dips. Maybe one of their new products will be "good yogurt."
Russia may be run by an iron-fisted dictatorial tyrant who's using the Olympic games as his own personal tool to legitimize his corrupt and unjust reign. Sure. But that doesn't mean he needs to make things worse by allowing shitty yogurt to cross his borders.
The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.
Whole Foods says it will stop selling bottom-of-the-milk-barrel Greek yogurt brand Chobani in order to make room for yogurts that "are organic, or don't contain genetically modified ingredients." Yeah. And that don't taste like paste. Please, eat the right kind of Greek yogurt in 2014.
Analysts say that "Price is the most important factor, ahead of flavor, when purchasing Greek yogurt," which is why America insists upon making the Yogurt Wars a battle between mediocre and sub-par while the real best yogurt languishes on the sidelines, unappreciated, like a creamy, delicious, calcium-packed Tim Tebow.
The War in Afghanistan has lost the War for America's Imagination to the War for Greek Yogurt Supremacy. Though the latest dispatches from Kabul bore us to tears, we can't get enough news of the latest yogurt flavor combinations. Have you heard this Yoplait bullshit?
Is there any huge corporation too evil to engage in the production and marketing of yogurt, America's new crack cocaine? It appears that the answer is "no," as PepsiCo is now joining the yogurt fray, already occupied by a rogue's gallery of multinational players, Greek and otherwise. How much disinformation and…
The battle for the heart and soul of America's yogurt preferences is a marketer's version of brutal and ceaseless trench warfare, as you, the consumer, are bombarded by wave after wave of new yogurt product from a mind-blowing variety of yogurt factions, all hoping to deluge your taste buds with just the right yogurt…
Pinkberry, the L.A.-based froyo industrial complex, has been going through a rough patch of late. First came the news that its product wasn't exactly frozen nor yogurt. Then it developed an unwanted following among the rat population who soon invaded its Upper East Side store. But, as the L.A. Times reports, not all…
