Pinkberry Co-Founder Sentenced to 7 Years for Beating Homeless Man
On Friday, Young Lee, a co-founder of frozen yogurt company Pinkberry, was sentenced to seven years in state prison for beating a homeless man with a tire iron.
Not even the homeless and destitute people of America want to eat the second-class Chobani yogurt that's being donated to them after Russia rejected it as a gesture of peace. "They look at it and go, 'Eww.'"
Garbage Yogurts Face Off Over Which Is Less Garbagey
The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.
Whole Foods says it will stop selling bottom-of-the-milk-barrel Greek yogurt brand Chobani in order to make room for yogurts that "are organic, or don't contain genetically modified ingredients." Yeah. And that don't taste like paste. Please, eat the right kind of Greek yogurt in 2014.
Analysts say that "Price is the most important factor, ahead of flavor, when purchasing Greek yogurt," which is why America insists upon making the Yogurt Wars a battle between mediocre and sub-par while the real best yogurt languishes on the sidelines, unappreciated, like a creamy, delicious, calcium-packed Tim Tebow.
Big Yogurt Just Can't Do Greek Yogurt Right
The War in Afghanistan has lost the War for America's Imagination to the War for Greek Yogurt Supremacy. Though the latest dispatches from Kabul bore us to tears, we can't get enough news of the latest yogurt flavor combinations. Have you heard this Yoplait bullshit?
Greek Yogurt May Destroy the Environment, Still Worth It
The vast majority of the U.S. economy is now supported by purchases of inferior Greek yogurt. Americans love the shit. But are you aware of... Greek Yogurt's Dark Side???
Americans Must Not Be Seduced by Weird European Yogurt
Is there any huge corporation too evil to engage in the production and marketing of yogurt, America's new crack cocaine? It appears that the answer is "no," as PepsiCo is now joining the yogurt fray, already occupied by a rogue's gallery of multinational players, Greek and otherwise. How much disinformation and…
The Yogurt Wars Will Not End Until Every American Is Eating an All-Yogurt Diet
The battle for the heart and soul of America's yogurt preferences is a marketer's version of brutal and ceaseless trench warfare, as you, the consumer, are bombarded by wave after wave of new yogurt product from a mind-blowing variety of yogurt factions, all hoping to deluge your taste buds with just the right yogurt…
Most People Are Eating the Wrong Kind of Greek Yogurt
I've never been to Greece, or to one of those "fancy" grocery stores, but that doesn't stop me from being an expert on Greek yogurt, excluding the kinds actually made in Greece and the kinds sold in "fancy" grocery stores. Real American Greek yogurt, is what I'm talking about. And if there's one thing I know besides…
Hippie Homemade Yogurt Will Outlive Us All, One Day Rule Earth
NPR's The Salt blog warns that the hippie dippy organic yogurt you make today could outlive you.
Man Pleads Guilty to Serving Woman Yogurt with His Semen in It
You know how you get all excited every time you go to the grocery store and there's someone serving up those free samples. That's about to be ruined forever. That's because one guy plead guilty to putting his jizz in a yogurt sample he served to a woman.
Grocery Clerk Indicted For Putting Semen in Yogurt Samples
Anthony Garcia, a 32-year-old grocery clerk from Albuquerque, will be indicted Friday for having talked a Sunflower Market customer last January into eating a yogurt sample. But this was not just a yogurt sample.
Disgusting Crime Involves 'Semen-Tainted Yogurt Sample'
A lady in New Mexico received a yogurt sample from her local grocer. She recognized the flavor: semen. She spat the yogurt out and called the cops. Forensic evidence later revealed sperm cells in the lady's yogurt.
This Is a Commercial That Stars a Digestive System Mascot
Here's a commercial for Yakult, a Japanese (natch) probiotic yogurt drink. Yakult's motto is, "When you love your digestive system, it will love you back." Literally. You see, that cute little pink companion thingy? It's your digestive system! Watch inside.
If a Quadruple Amputee Can Swim the English Channel, You Can Drink Less Chocolate Milk
Distracted driving! Farmer's foods! Punjabi sports! Lifeguard texting! Halal beef beef! Free water! Greek yogurt! Cold virus obesity! And the indomitable spirit of the human soul! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with intervals of approval!
Yogurt: The Creamy Killer
Well well, if it isn't the Federal Trade Commission, deciding now—after all American children have already starred on 'The Biggest Loser'—that there should be some rules about marketing unhealthy foods to kids. What foods? You will be amazed!
