• Carla Bruni has agreed to appear in a Woody Allen film, which will mark the singer and French first lady's first acting role. During an interview on a French TV show she said that she doesn't know what role she'll play, but she said yes anyway. "I'd like to - you know - when I'm a grandmother, to have done a Woody Allen film. I cannot in my life miss an opportunity like this." So, how does she think she'll do in front of the camera? "I'm not at all an actress. Maybe I'll be absolutely terrible," she says. We're no huge fans of Woody Allen, but we think that this idea is the opposite of terrible—unless she ends up playing Woody's love interest. That would the terrible. [UKPA]
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• Nadya Suleman is the tabloid gift that keeps on giving. While promoting "documentary" OctoMom: Me & My Fourteen Kids (I love how calling a reality show a documentary somehow dignifies it?) she explains that she open to having more children ("If I get married one day...") and that, after realizing she was pregnant with octuplets, she refused to selectively reduce the embryos, "Because which one should I have murdered? Noah? Isaiah? You know, Jonah?" Apparently the kids know that not-murder isn't actually that great, because there's a clip of one of the kids nailing her in the face with a screwdriver. Forget Nadya—the documentary I want to see is what happens when these kids grow up and attempt to make their way in the world with the curse of Suleman hanging over their heads. They should really consider changing their names. [HuffPo]
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• What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve? Well a bunch of singers are making significant bank. Rihanna is raking in $500K for a performance in Abu Dhabi. The gig is a make good for a May concert date that she had to cancel thanks to Chris Brown's fists. Alicia Keys is only have the woman Rihanna is, or at least her salary is. She will only make $250K for a concert here in New York. Also in town will be Green Day performing live on NBC. Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden will be hosting a party in Vegas, and so will Christina Aguilera. It's good to know where all the losers will be on December 31. If you want to find they gays, they'll be in Miami, where Lady Gaga is rumored to ring in the new year in some ridiculous get up. [P6]
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• Now that Rosie O'Donnell's breakup from her partner is public, she says that she is not enjoying the single life. No wonder, because her escort to her annual charity gala Rosie's Broadway Extravaganza was her 15-year son, Parker. It's like the opposite of taking your mom to the prom. [People]
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• One little comment comparing your boss to Hitler, and your invite to the company Christmas party gets lost in the mail! Megan Fox was conspicuously absent at Michael Bay's Transformers reunion. On a related note, I still think she should've gone with the Hitler SNL monologue. (Hitler, outraged: Why did you compare me to Michael Bay?) Not like she's going to win these guys back, anyway. [P6]
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• Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are moving out of their Hollywood home because they neighbors complained about their partying ways. Where are they going? No one knows. Please say it's New York. Pretty please! [TMZ]
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• Everyone hates Usher's new girlfriend. His mom and his record label both want her gone. As for the rest of us, we could care less what Usher does and with whom. [Gatecrasher]
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• Courtney Love went to Scores and didn't even take a spin on the stripper pole. You can never go home again. [P6]
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• Zac Efron is so cute. Even though he's a star, he still gets impressed by celebs like Zac Posen and Amber Rose. And they're not even famous. He would probably wet himself if Tom Cruise walked into the room. He also said he loved kissing Claire Danes for his new movie because she's "a very pretty lady." So are you, Zac. So are you. [Gatecrasher]
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• Looks like the Pussycat Dolls are done for good. Thank Christ! [P6]
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• There's no new column from gossip dowager Cindy Adams. Is she dead? Someone better stop by her apartment and check on her.

[Gawker night editor Azaria Jagger wrote the funnier parts of this round up]

• The way we live now: Everyone has a sex tape, but nobody thinks his sex tape counts. Creed frontman Scott Stapp says a tape of him and Kid Rock getting blow jobs from groupies on a 1999 tour bus shouldn't count. What's more, things got totally awkward between the Christian rocker and not-Christian rocker after their simultaneous orgasms: "He adds that he and Rock used to be friends, but 'haven't sat down face to face since the incident.'" [P6]
• 
  
• Jon and Kate's divorce is nearly complete, having finished a binding arbitration this weekend wherein Jon relinquished primary custody of the kids, meaning Plus Eight only have one parent left to evade before they begin their second, much happier lives as the new boxcar children. Apparently Jon brought a bouquet of long-stemmed roses to the divorce arbitration, probably because he heard the paparazzi would be there. Kate rejected the roses, despite Jon's lawyer saying "This has been called the real-life 'War of the Roses.'" As far as I'm concerned, only two good things have come of this relationship: (1) the word "mantrum" (2) Christian Siriano being forced to reevaluate his hairdo [TMZ] [NYDN]
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• Katie Holmes took Suri to see The Lion King last night, and if X17's photos are any indication, then Suri was either (a) scared of the scary animals (b) tired from staying up late (c) terrorized by the flashing strobes of skeezy paparazzi who yell her name and take her picture everywhere she goes. [X17]
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• An explosion of female overtook Robert Pattinson at the Bowery Hotel bar this weekend! The poor, beleaguered actor whose movie just earned hundreds of millions "wouldn't even look up as [his fans] walked by," either because they scare him or because he is ashamed that his only claim to fame is playing an old, undead guy who never got laid. [NYDN]
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• Zac Efron's career goal is to star in a remake of The Graduate, but if he can't get cougar tail, he'll settle for Daniel Craig. "I'd love to be a Bond baddie," Zefron squeaked. He also says he's really glad that Robert Pattinson is distracting "female attention" away from him. Between this and Pattinson's admission that Zefron leaves him speechless, females should really be beside the point here. Make out already, you two! [ShowBizSpy]
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• Ms. Universe 2008, Dayana Sabrina Mendoza Moncada, just hired a New Jersey lawyer to get her American citizenship. American reality television welcomes you with open arms, Dayana. [P6]
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• A dapper Susan Boyle touched down at JFK yesterday and will perform live on today's Today show, where she will inevitably sing that one same song, which is her melodic version of Miss Havisham's old wedding dress. [ShowBizSpy]
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• This has sexy potential. Robert Pattinson describes the glorious moment he first came face-to-face with the man of his dreams, Zac Efron: "He was a really cool guy. That was one of the first times I'd ever been star-struck, but just because his face is so specific, it's kind of surreal." Since I was only able to locate one picture of them together in the history of wire images [fig.1, below], I'm pretty sure they didn't actually bang, but, sigh, let's pretend. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Former The City star Erin Lucas has a lesbian kiss with Israeli model Adi Neumann in some movie they're in together. [fig.2] "I popped my cherry on camera. How appropriate," said the gay-for-screen-time Lucas. [P6]
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• Mike Tyson was detained at LAX last night for assaulting a paparazzo. Tyson punched the guy in the face so hard the photog had to be hospitalized. Both parties claimed it was the other one's fault, so the LAPD arrested both. No word the status of either of their ears. [LAT]
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• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend—the one she sent that masturbatory video to—told TMZ that the former Miss California asked him to lie about the video and say she was an underage seventeen-year-old in it, when actually, she was twenty. And, hey, did he mention he has some other pictures of Carrie that he would like to sell to you, now? Because he does. In one of them, she's kind of showing her butt. [TMZ]
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• "I feel like I'm in a dream," said awestruck country music nymph Taylor Swift after she became the Country Music Association's youngest-ever Entertainer of the Year. Taylor won all four categories she was nominated in. And her new boyfriend's really cute. Some girls get all the breaks. [LAT]
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• Lil' Kim skipped a court date and blamed it on a nosebleed. I can't decide if this story is about lying or about cocaine. [TMZ]
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• Simon Cowell is the highest-earning man on American television, taking home a cool $75 million last year. In second place was Donald Trump ($50 million), who must feel like such a chump sandwiched between Cowell and Ryan Seacrest ($38 million) in the earnings list. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

Let's dip back into the galley that just keeps on giving: here the Lizzie character, Jennie, asks the Zac character to go buy teenage Asian porn at a Times Square sleaze mart in the middle of the night. Young 20-somethings buying porn after midnight?! It's shocking. They'll turn into Gremlins! And seeing this movie will turn teenage girls into coke-riddled sex fiends. OMG, they'll want to go into PR!

Click the images if you want larger versions.

• An Australian tabloid is reporting that Robert Pattinson has knocked up 19 year-old Kristen Stewart, his Twilight co-star. Allegedly they had an "encounter" and now she's understandably "very nervous about the whole situation." [MTV]
  
  
• Armani is set to run a line of sexy new ads featuring David Beckham and Angelina Jolie. Oh boy—Are we the only ones who think this could be dangerous? [Yahoo]
  
  
• Britney Spears was sporting a "spare tire" as her concert tour shifted from London to Paris. Apparently, Brit has been enjoying English food, which is something we just can't wrap our brain around. [Mirror]
  
  
• Former Three's Company star Joyce DeWitt, a notoriously nutty broad who played Janet on the show, was arrested for DUI the other night. [Daily News]
  
  
• Creepy douche director of movies laden with explosions Michael Bay allegedly made Megan Fox wash his Ferrari while he filmed her as her audition for Transformers. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and Jared Leto have all trimmed their bangs, which signifies that man-bangs are officially on the way out. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Twilight star Kellan Lutz and 90210 actress AnnaLynne McCord went to a party in the Hamptons and were roaming around the house looking for a place to bone. Someone directed them to a bathroom and they went in. [Page Six]
  
  
• A photographer recreated some of Madonna's iconic photo poses using Cameron Diaz in a photoshoot for V Magazine. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Osbourne said that Lady Gaga has a "butter-face" and that "she has everything but the face." Yes, Kelly Osbourne said this. Yes, that Kelly Osbourne. [Mirror]

Zachary Effwinkle, a magical creature someone found in a moonbeam one starry night, will soon be starring in his first grownup thriller! Very exciting. While we'd hope for a backstage murder mystery in the vein of Christopher Pike's seminal Last Act, it'll probably just be Eagle Eye with fewer explosions and swears. Witch Mountain Revisted, maybe? [Variety]

AMC has ordered twelve episodes of political thriller series Rubicon, about a secret string-pulling shadow organization. It's directed by Sopranos vet Allen Coulter and costars the wonderful Miranda Richardson. Interesting. [THR]

Katharine Heigl, once so likable but now so tarnished, will star in Life As We Know It for Warner Bros. The movie is another one of those Oh, hey everyone died except you so here's a baby kind of movies. So selfish people learn to not be selfish and not be grossed out by poop diapers and somewhere up in Vermont Diane Keaton makes another vat of baby food while Elizabeth is home visiting from Colgate and Keats thinks to herself "I did that first." Kate Hudson sips a latte elsewhere and thinks "Hey, I did that too!" [Variety]

Good gravy on a biscuit, why does Heather Graham keep getting cast in movies? Sure, she'll play a lesbian who sleeps with her roommates creepy sad dad (Kevin Spacey) in Father of Invention, so it's like a sexy role again, but still. She'll join a bizarre cast that includes Craig Robinson, Camilla Belle, and Johnny Knoxville. Some casting agents were playing a drunken came of Truth Or Dare over the weekend, and one lady kept choosing Dare! [THR]

Hey, here's a sentence that you can read on the internet today: "MTV is also pondering a reinvention of '80s film Teen Wolf in series format, with a greater emphasis on romance, horror and werewolf mythology." Oh, terrific. Meanwhile we're busy on our series remake of Earth Girls Are Easy, which will be a political piece about aliens that probes deeply into ideas of terrorism, detention of prisoners, and the clash of religion and secularism. [Variety]

10.6 million people tuned in to watch Jon & Kate Gosselin announce that they are dibborcing on Monday night. To put that number in perspective, that's two Minnesotas' or one Michigan's worth. Ten Rhode Islands! Every single person in Portugal watched Jon & Kate on Monday night. [THR]

Ram-faced actor Daniel Craig just might star in Jim Sheridan's next pic, a "psychological thriller" (as opposed to a pharmacological thriller or a scatological thriller) about a man who moves to a new house with his family and surprise there was murder and, surprise, everyone's ghosts. Though, Sheridan and Craig do seem like a good fit, what with Craig's pugilist's face and Sheridan's penchant for pugilists. [THR]

Martin Lawrence will be here forever. [THR]

Image via Bauer-Griffin

• Lindsay Lohan's obsessive stalking of Samantha Ronson throughout Europe seems to have worked. Ronson appears to have caved to Li-Lo's insanity out of fear for her life or something, as they were spotted spending the day together in Los Angeles after a Lohan tweet hinted that they may be back togther. [Sun]
  
  
• Things are getting ugly between Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott on the set of their Robin Hood flick. Allegedly producers are having to fly in to make peace between the two, who have refused to speak to each other at times. Russell Crowe also so showed up fat to play Robin Hood at the start of filming, something that didn't please Scott and the producers, who forced Crowe to go on a crash diet to lose 35 lbs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Anne Hathaway thinks she's ready for the bright lights of Broadway and is set to play Judy Garland in the the upcoming musical, Get Happy, The Life of Judy Garland. [Daily News]
  
  
• Here's a shocker—NBC is vigorously denying the Speidi torture allegations, basically saying that everything Heidi and Spencer have claimed is a load of crap. Again, shocking. [Daily News]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has reclaimed her sanity with the help of her cat "Pebbles" and is ready to start rehearsing for the Britain's Got Talent tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• This whole Jon and Kate thing is already beyond ridiculous, but it only grows more so by the day—Authorities with the Pennsylvania Humane Society were called on to investigate whether or not the Gosselin's dogs had been abused by the family. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Chris Brown has taken to surrounding himself with burly bodyguards whenever he makes public appearances out of fear that someone will seek retaliation for his beating of Rihanna. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is on the verge of nailing down a deal to produce a remake of Saturday Night Fever, with Zac Efron set to star as the character played by John Travolta in the original. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of New York was cleared of assault charges after the dude she allegedly beat up failed to show up in court. [EOnline]

OK!
Disqualified once again for lack of gossip.
Grade: N/A (The price of fame.)

In Touch
"Brad's Intimate Texts To Jen" Brad and Jen are exchanging texts almost every day, on such intimate matters as whether or not Jen should cut her hair. She was thinking of cutting it short for summer, but thankfully, "He talked her out of it," says a friend, "He told her to just trim it and go blonder." Brad has finally revealed the real reason he left Jen, and it's not just because he was sleeping with Angie. He had bleached his hair, taken flying lessons, and gotten a tattoo, so obviously he was going through a midlife crisis. Now Brad feels like he's living a lie and is trapped with Angelina. Dr. Gilda Carle, who wrote an e-book on fidelity but doesn't treat the stars, said that Brad and Jen shouldn't rush to get back together. "Everything's changed, and he's had all these other experiences," says Carle, "she might not like that new guy that he is." Jen's the same person though, because she's just been thinking about how lonely she is and staring at her phone waiting for Brad to text. Next: Katie Holmes is going to Australia to film her new movie and she's excited to have some time to herself. However, Tom Cruise is upset because this hampers his ongoing plot to impregnate Katie, thus satisfying Suri's insatiable need for more siblings. Jon and Kate Plus 8 have a live-in nanny who is never shown on the TLC show. In closing, let it be known that the following people are dating: Cameron Diaz and Adam Levine of Maroon 5, Audrina Patridge and Chris Pine of Star Trek, Hayden Panettiere and 30-year-old British TV host Steve Jones, George Clooney and a chick named Amber.
Grade: D- (Five finger discount on grapes.)

Life & Style
It's [Not Really] On: The mag claims that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are "getting serious" because he introduced her to his parents... at his birthday dinner with other Twilight co-stars in attendance. But, they both ordered the same entree, so clearly they are soul mates. Also they're heading off to "romantic Italy" together, as that is where New Moon is filming next. Next: Angelina's back to "playing mom," after forcing Brad to become a full-time parent while she selfishly went to work on Salt. When the film wraps at the end of the month Brad will start filming his next film, Moneyball, and Angie will stay home with the kids. They've explained in the past that they take turns doing movies so one parent can stay with the kids, but an insider says, "she's unpredicable and restless," so she may take on a new project this summer and flake out on mom duty, "and Brad will once again have to put his career on hold to be with the kids." In a related sob story, Jennifer Aniston says she's "numb to falling in love." Actually, she said when you read a lot of romantic comedy scripts you get numb to the cliche falling in love story. But an insider says she's been trying to numb herself to falling in love as a defense mechanism, "when really, deep down, it's exactly what she wants." Also, Jen has betrayed Smartwater because she was photographed on set holding a tiny bottle of Poland Spring she probably picked up at the craft services table. In other news, Mark-Paul Gosselaar says he's not ashamed of his Saved By The Bell roots. "That image will stay with me for my entire career," he says, "but I'm not looking to shed the persona of Zack. I'm proud of the work I did." Dr. Rey channels Buffalo Bill again, asking, "Who has the best skin in Hollywood?" Michelle Trachtenberg, 23, has a flawless face, but Dr. Rey recommends microdermabrasion, a chemical peel, and laser skin surfacing for 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan. Kate Bosworth's stunning skin should be harvested and grafted onto Kirsten Dunst's face. (Fig. 1) Finally, Life & Style has determined that they give you more gossip for your recession buck than Us (Fig. 2) Hey, we'll be the judge of that, Life & Style.
Grade: D (Markdown on pantyhose.)

Us
"Mom To Monster" The before and after picture of Kate Gosselin Us ran last week was a hit, so they decided to use it again for this week's cover. Kate has "cut a swath of terror" by refusing to speak to Jon this weekend at the kids' birthday party when the cameras weren't rolling, having a TLC-financed makeover, and putting her "career before marriage." There are details from a former baby nurse who says Kate fired 40 nannies in three months before hiring her, neighbors who say she told them she'd sue if they reveal where she lives, and family members who say she's been obsessed with money since the sextuplets' birth. Us also provides a 360 degree look at Kate's "reverse mullet." (Fig. 3) Moving on: Sex and the City wedding! Cynthia Nixon announced her engagement to Christine Marinoni and showed off her ring at a marriage equality rally in New York as co-star Kristin Davis looked on. The dangers of Tweeting: Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston got roped into going on a double date with Spencer and Heidi via Twitter. Lastly, can you match the pregnant star to her baby bump? (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (Alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale.)

Star
"Angie Walks In On Jen And Brad!" ... talking on the phone. Angelina came home late one night from filming Salt and overheard Brad on the phone saying, "Relax Jen. Everything will be OK." A family insider says Angie, "totally flipped out." She screamed at him, "it's her or me!" but it's going to be a tough call for Brad, since the mag says he and Jen "just can't quit each other," and he likes to drunk-dial Jen late at night. In the much juicier story "Mom's Gay Affair!" we learn that Carrie Prejean's mother, Francine Coppola, was having a lesbian fling up until the night her daughter revealed her thoughts on gay marriage and lost the Miss USA crown. There's a picture of Coppola's "secret sapphic passion," Valerie Vetrano, as well as pictures of Coppola (who claims she's related to the director) at a lesbian party in Palm Springs where the two met, and lengthy accounts from sources who say they saw them on dates. Coppola wanted to keep their affair a secret, especially after her daughter started speaking out against gay marriage, but Vetrano said she wasn't going to live her life in the closet. When Star contacted Vetrano, she said, "In my country, in my household, I was raised to be honest and up-front. Yes, Francine and I dated. However, I don't feel comfortable discussing the details of our relationship - no offense." Moving on: Zac Efron has been told that if he wants to be a real star, he has to distance himself from High School Musical, and that means breaking up with Vanessa Hudgens. Zac feels this summer would be a convenient time to dump her, since he'll be filming in New England, but a source says, "Zac does still love Vanessa. He's agonizing about this!" How sweet. Next: Even though Joy Behar explained that she doesn't want anyone but her partner Steve and her daughter at her wedding on a recent episode of The View, Barbara Walters is mad because, "She feels like she gave Joy her big break, and it would only be right to at least ask her to come," says a source. Blind item: Which starlet stays red carpet ready thanks to a steady diet of heroin? But no need to worry about ugly track marks showing up in photos - she injects the drug between her toes. The mag estimates that Kelly Clarskson weighs about 165 pounds. She wants to lose weight for her health, so the mag encourages her by using the headlines "Kelly's BIG Comeback" and "Hungry For A Hit." Melissa Gilbert says that her Little House on the Prarie co-star Shannen Doherty had a one-night stand with her husband and ruined their marriage in her upcoming autobiography Prairie Tale. The incident occurred about five years after the show ended, and Gilbert claims "serial homewrecker" Doherty sought her husband out, "purely because she wanted to be like Melissa," according to a source. Next: Jamie Spears recently caught Britney taking over-the-counter diet pills mixed with Red Bull, which a source says made her, "whacked-out and go on weird rants." Britney's exhaused from touring and turns to the concoction to get her high. She also thinks Jamie tapped her phones and has a device that keeps a record of every number she calls [wouldn't the device be sort of like a phone bill?] Malia and Sasha Obama are "White House Rascals." They sing along to pop music loudly and off-key in their rooms, made the White House cook figure out the recipe for Pinkberry because there isn't a store in D.C., and speak in their own abbreviated sister language. What bothers everyone the most is that they go through the staff's magazines (including Star, of course, looking for new photos of Zac Efron and Nick Jonas. Finally, in this edition of "Best & Worst Beach Bods" we learned that if we want to be bikini ready, professional tennis is not the way to go. For the second week in a row, a mag has labeled Serena Williams body a "worst." (Fig. 5) Other crimes against humanity include having a "pancake butt" like Whitney Port (Fig. 5), having nearly invisible cellulite like Helen Hunt (Fig. 6) , and bending to pick something up while being 57, like Angelica Huston (Fig. 7).
Grade: C+ (Red light special, for some of the night.)




Fig. 1


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Fig. 7

1) Obsessed — $28.5 million
Man this lady can do it all! Beyoncé, former Destiny's Child frontwoman, current bejangled pop music dancer, is now a bonafide movie actress. Sure she got good notices for Dreamgirls and Cadillac Records, but now she's got a box office hit, the credit for which falls almost entirely on her shoulders. I'm sure there are some devoted Idris Elba and Ali Larter (shudder) fans out there, and some weirdos have also been known to enjoy watching pretty ladies beat the shit out of each other (see: Anne Archer nominated for an Oscar for shooting Glenn Close), but mostly, we're betting, people responded to Beyoncé's press blitzkrieg. So I guess we can expect another thriller/actioner or two and then the harder-to-sell romantic comedy and then eventually she'll be squeaking around in a wheelchair, stricken with a palsy, as the year's previous winner, Anne Hathaway, introduces clips of the nominees.

2) 17 Again — $11.7 million
Proving to be a cultural phenomenon on a slightly smaller scale is young Zithery Efrinkle, whose comedy dropped a decent 51% in its second week. Expect another comedy or soft-touched dramedy or two before he picks up a pistol and tries to go gangster, a modern-day Baby Face Nelson, to follow that up with Gone to Cede, about a struggling, troubled Iraq war vet and the Oscar goes to, aw nuts, Ben Foster for Warhol.

3) Fighting — $11.4 million
The surprisingly decently-reviewed B-movie pulled out some pretty decent numbers, though they could have been higher if its title had been a little more straightforward. Channing Tatum is gaining more momentum in the buildup to his big starring bow in this summer's G.I. Joe: Half the Battle, about a bunch of guys in strange military outfits reading quietly in the library. It's also good news for whoever designed the laughably serious posters that have been plastered up all over town, because if the movie had flopped they'd look even sillier.

4) The Soloist — $9.7 million
This is a disappointment for Jamie Foxx, who once differently-abledly mugged his way to an Oscar, and now couldn't even crack the top three. It's also shitty for Robert Downey Jr. who has been riding a wave of goodwill and success since Iron Man came out and was good and stuff. Maybe director Joe Wright just doesn't understand swoony Americans the way he understands swoony Brits. Or maybe the studio moved the pic from its heady awards-season slot back in the wintertime to the doldrums of pre-Memorial Day because Beyoncé declared that she wanted to beat Jamie Foxx at the box office on one of his opening weekends, and you do not say no to Beyoncé, because at this point she can, and will, invade and occupy your house with impunity.

5) Earth — $8.6 million
Did you see on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday when Howard Dean was talking about the glaciers in the Himalayas melting and that in 15 years one billion people in Asia will be experiencing a massive water shortage? Again, in just fifteen years? Yeah, well. No one cares about the Earth. Help us, Beyoncé! You're our only hope. (Actually, that's not entirely true, this is the second-highest documentary debut ever, hopefully encourage the fledgling Disneynature to keep pretending that they care about the environment by repackaging BBC specials.)

1) 17 Again — $24.1 million
Oh man does everyone love Zac Efron. Not only did the gooey film about Chandler from Friends turning back the clock and becoming basketball star Troy Bolton handily win the top box office spot this beautiful spring weekend, but it earned a very good A- CinemaScore from the giddy exiting audience. Excited fans ranged from nine-year-old Vanessa Montez who squealed "I haven't pooped my pants that many times since Delgo!" to forty-two-year-old Dwayne Abernathy who quietly mumbled "it was worth breaking parole for, though it was hard finding a theater seat that was 1,100 feet from any of the children." He fiddled with a crumpled newspaper that he held over his crotch and then walked off toward where he'd parked his bicycle, which had been, unbeknownst to him, mangled and stolen by some local teenagers. Though, Dwayne isn't mad at them. He can't stay mad at them.

2) State of Play — $14.1 million
No one really wants to see adult drama/thrillers anymore. Even if they feature a long-haired Russell Crowe and Helen Mirren sitting sternly behind a desk. But the newspapermen as heroes pic wasn't a disaster by any means, it just wasn't as big a debut as some had hoped. Though it still beat Body of Lies, the other badly-titled Crowe picture that sputtered at the box office in the last six months. For her part Rachel McAdams just figures that if it does better than The Lucky Ones, then everything's all right with her.

4) Hannah Montana: The Movie — $12.7 million
Though losing two thirds of its opening weekend audience, this Oscar favorite is still trotting along quite nicely. Those eager to see the long, awkward father-daughter bolero dance that was rumored to be featured after the end credits were at first disappointed, then elated, then needed to go home when they discovered that waiting for them at the end was, instead, a video of swoony costar Lucas Till doing the choreography from the recent Xanadu musical's finale. An exiting audience member, 42-year-old "Jwayne Dabernathy", was quoted as saying "I haven't pooped my pants that many times since Kitt Kitredge."

5) Crank: High Voltage — $6.5 million
A small mess for Jason Statham, who has scared up surprisingly high box office with his Transporter movies and the original Crank. But this one failed to connect with audiences, who had bigger and better movies to see this weekend. Most of the tickets were purchased by confused meth heads, who wandered over to the cineplex like zombies in Dawn of the Dead, hoping to taste a powerful new batch. One tweeker was heard muttering that he "shit" on "my parole," before he staggered aimlessly into Monsters vs. Aliens and began uncontrollably weeping.

6) Observe & Report — $4.1 million
I think this can now be called a definitive box office failure. The Seth Rogen comedy—he's supposed to be the biggest laff-riot in the world right now!—has only raked in a little pile of leaves worth $18 million in its first two weeks out. Though this might also say something about the dark overtones of the film, what with the date rape controversy and the scary Ray Liotta factor. If only they'd had Zac Efron play a chipper, charming Foot Locker employee or Miley Cyrus and her cowboy boyfriend play a couple getting Glamor Shots together. Then people would have come (and, for some, come) in droves.

Oh, and just because it was on TV today, here's Matthew Perry on the The View comparing himself unfavorably to Zac Efron and finding narrowly escaping the grabby clutches of the ladies on the couch.

That low rumble you felt in your loins this morning wasn't the D train beneath you, headed north to Fordham. No, it was a subconscious reaction to the news that Zac Efron, a young and brave ambassador from the Elf kingdoms of the West, has been cast in yet another movie. It's called The Death and Life of Charlie St. Cloud, based on the novel of the same name. This comes on the heels (harrrrr) of the news that he's ducked out of the remake of Footloose that Disney-porn auteur Kenny Ortega plans to direct. It's unclear when Efron, whose Elf name is ZaideeEfwinkle, will return to his kingdom of mushroom stools and Kikaree birds, but it seems likely that he'll first have to play the lead in that buzzed-about Shirley Temple biopic. [Variety]

Tom Hanks is developing a movie based on the old action hero space toy Major Matt Mason, who was a noble explorer of the final frontier who lived in a space station. The project is expected to proceed apace until some brave intern timidly taps Hanks on the shoulder and, when he's got his attention, kindly and quietly reminds him that he's not 35 anymore. [Variety] Dennis Quaid and Julianne Moore fucking hate each other. Oh wait, ha ha, no. Just their characters. Quaid is slated to play Bill Clinton and Moore his beautiful wife Hillary in an upcoming HBO film called The Special Relationship, about Clinton's dealings with British PM Antoinette Blair. A weary, so very bored Michael Sheen will once again play Blair, his third go around in the role. [Variety]

National Amusements cinemas is up for sale (by Citigroup), but is not attracting any bids. Potential buyers have been chased away because they want to buy select theaters from the 1,000 screen chain, not the whole kitten caboodle, but Citi won't let 'em. Had they done like I wanted and kept the Circle Cinemas in Cleveland Circle open, none of this would be an issue, I suspect. [THR]

Jon Hamm is playing the lawyer who inspired Perry Mason in the Allen Ginsburg biopic Howl. [Variety] Sparkly vampyr twink Robert Pattinson is going to be a star-crossed lover in the Summit feature (they own him) Memoirs. [Variety] And Slumdog Millionaire pretty face Freida Pinto will star in Julian Schanbel's next artsy fartsy movie, alongside Hiam Abbas, who acquitted herself beautifully in The Visitor. [Variety]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer scourge Michelle Trachtenberg has been cast in that pilot about nurses that isn't Nurse Jackie, called Mercy. She'll play a clueless dork. Fitting. But srsly, folks. This woman has the best agent in the biz. Her continued and frequent employment is baffling. [THR] Meanwhile George Lopez, the man responsible for both Beverly Hills Chihuahua and for currently ruining Nick at Nite, has nabbed the most coveted job in showbiz. He'll be the host of a TBS late-night talk show. Sounds bleak, sure, but Lopez actually has kind of a rabid following. (Rabid was a joke about chihuahuas... sigh). [THR]

· Lock up your daughters, Academy: John Mayer plans to attend with Jennifer Aniston, who will present an unspecified award between sly, throat-clearing grunts of "uncool" in Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's general direction.

· Wow! Rex Reed sure can't wait for the big night: "It sounds like a vulgar stage show in Atlantic City starring Siegfried and Roy, designed to turn passionate movie lovers into dyspeptic movie critics-only a handful of whom will still be awake by the time the five final (and only important) prizes of the night are announced. Gone are the days of Cary Grant, Garland and Garbo (none of whom won an Oscar). Today we get J.Lo and Meatloaf."

· The directors of Presto, New Boy, On the Line and Smile Pinki gathered at VF.com for a stirring roundtable discussion of their Oscar-nominated short films

· The automated Oscar Speech Generator is live at Atom, and we've burned a few minutes preparing our own: "Thank you so much. But really, it's just an honor to be nominated alongside so many other churlish actors. I want to thank my agent, who stuck with me after I was found boogeyboarding that teaspoon. I'd like to also thank my candid family, and friendly ostrich. I better stop now before I say something formal. Thank you, and THE MONKEY'S EATING MY FRIEND'S FACE OFF!"

· Out this year as Oscar advertisers: L'Oreal and General Motors. Their replacement: Culver's Frozen Custard and ButterBurgers. Don't tell Rex Reed.

Part of High School Musical line of Christmas decorations, every Troy Bolton collectible tin ornament is filled with delicious fruity candy, and, paired with the locker ornament that plays "We're All In This Together" when opened (an actual product) and an Ashley Tisdale topper angel, will make for an HSM-themed tree that will be the envy of the neighborhood.

The site OceanUP has published pictures of both stars accommodating a fan in what appears to be a very unlikely location: a sex shop. Never did we think that leaked Zac Efron dildo pictures would emerge in quite this way! Here at Defamer's West Coast branch, we've put our innocent minds on the line to ID all the sex paraphernalia the Disney stars have been photographed with (trust us, the downright filthy NYC office would have had everything diagnosed and purchased online within five minutes). Won't you help us out?

• Zac Efron Vanessa Hudgens SEX Store [OceanUp]

• Zac Efron's Shower Pics Being Auctioned Off [Celebrity Mania]

Efron could pull in mid-seven figures for Footloose — by far his biggest payday to date — in addition to script approval for the story of Ren McCormack, a surly city kid whose relocation to a Midwest hellhole where dancing is banned ignites a particularly well-choreographed civil-disobedience streak. Dirty Dancing's Kenny Ortega is attached to direct while Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist director Peter Sollett is polishing the screenplay.

All of which are secondary details, we know, to the burning questions of what will survive from Bacon's star-making original. The soundtrack will reportedly retain hits including "Let's Hear it for the Boy" and "Holding Out For a Hero," but more importantly, what arrhythmic schlub will replace the late Chris Penn in the first song's requisite dance-instruction montage? And does Efron have the brooding edge to own the latter tune's cutthroat, tractor-centric game of chicken? The End of Ideas jury is still out on this one, but if Efron vetoes the bleacher make-out session to "Almost Paradise," expect trouble. The guy has to get to second base eventually.

• Paramount Fast-Tracks 'Footloose' [Variety]

WHAT'S NEW: Excepting battles for second place, we haven't had a good duel at the box office for a while now. We don't really have one this week either, but we're keeping an eye on High School Musical 3: Senior Year and Saw V for symbolic value alone: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and the rest of their East High cohorts may be the first force to vanquish the splatter series on opening day since it launched in 2004. We talked a bit yesterday about HSM3's unprecedented market, and we stand by our $38 million call. Saw V will catch the older kids forced to drive their blubbering siblings to the mall; that and the fanboy cult should treat the film to a $29.7 million opening.

As if HSM3 and Beverly Hills Chihuahua weren't enough of a full-time cultural assault, Disney has Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D as well to court the Halloween crowd; that should pick up at least $5.3 million on 284 screens. Angelina Jolie and Clint Eastwood's missing-child melodrama Changeling also opens small today before platforming wide Oct. 31; we'll get into it a little more at that time. Also opening: The Anne Hathaway/Patrick Wilson ESP thriller Passengers (we hadn't heard of it either); the middling Disney/Bollywood animated effort Roadside Romeo; Kristin Scott-Thomas's Oscar bait I've Loved You So Long; and probably the best Swedish vampire coming-of-age film ever made, Let the Right One In.

THE BIG LOSER: The week's other wide release, the shouty cop-family drama Pride and Glory, finally gets its furlough from the New Line tombs after a nearly two-year delay. But buzz is low, reviews are upside-down, and Ed Norton and Colin Farrell can't open a window these days let alone a big Warner Bros. offering. It'll be left with about $7 million worth of Max Payne's week-two scraps before being reassigned to a nice, quiet desk back at the precinct.

THE UNDERDOG: As predicted here last month, the confounding appeal of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut Synecdoche, New York will likely never play at the box office. But in Philip Seymour Hoffman's performance as a theater director attempting to stage his life's work despite a wayward wife (Catherine Keener), a quickly jaded paramour (Michellle Williams), a fragmented lover/aide (Samantha Morton, giving way to doppelganger Emily Watson), black holes in the time/space continuum and a variety of debilitating physical ailments, you will find the anchor in both the saddest, sweetest perplexity of Kaufman's career and quite possibly the best American film of the year. Just as no volume of words can or even should describe what's happening here (though we will try in our love letter to come later today), we can't recommend enough that you find two hours in your weekend — and then however many years of contemplation afterward — to accommodate this masterpiece.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's few DVD releases of note include The Incredible Hulk (both Marvel's folly from last summer and the collected TV series), the scary Liv Tyler sleeper The Strangers, Craig Lucas's Sundance blip Birds of America and for the exhaustive Hoff completist in all of us, Knight Rider: The Complete Series.

Is a tween riot enough to keep you from the multiplex this weekend? Will you defy Saw V's marketing campaign and actually believe how it ends? Have you yet put off laundry for another day to take in Synecdoche, New York? Better yet, call in sick and let's make it a holiday. Tell your boss we said it's all right.