The sterling reputation of America's oldest and most mystical tradition—the radio station contest—was forever tarnished this week, when Boston's Kiss FM pulled the plug on its "Taylor Swift's Biggest Fan" contest after Taylor Swift's Biggest Fan was revealed to be a 39-year-old man named Charles.
Charles (or, at least, a close-up photo of a bearded man representing Charles) quickly sailed to the number one slot on the contest's online voting board after the internet's infamous Wild West outposts, 4chan and Reddit, took it upon themselves to make his dream of harassing Taylor Swift come true.
Earlier this month, a 4chan user identifying himself as a companion of Charles wrote an appeal on behalf of his "creepy 39 year old friend," explaining that Chaz would relish the opportunity to "sniff Taylor Swifts [sic] hair" during the meet-and-greet portion of the contest "cuz he's into that." Thrilled at the prospect of a man "blatantly just sniffing [Swift's] hair with cameras rolling," a bunch of cool people who lead rich, full lives reportedly enlisted hundreds of spam bots to drive up Charles' vote counts. He obliterated all contenders in a crushing defeat.
Over the weekend, Kiss FM updated its contest page to say the competition had been "terminated" due to "compromised" "integrity," which is similar to language the CIA might use when describing thwarted terrorist assassination attempt. (In the contest rules, the station reserved the right to disqualify any person believed to have utilized "unfair playing practices.")
Disappointingly, we have determined that the integrity of the "Taylor Swift's Biggest Fan" contest has been compromised. In accordance with our contest rules, effective immediately, the contest has been terminated. We apologize to all of our loyal listeners who have participated.
So it seems that, if Charles wants to learn what Taylor Swift's hair smells like, he will have have to find out the old fashioned way: by disguising himself as a child with leukemia and cutting off a huge hunk of it when she leans in to hug him while his "dad" (actually a paid local actor) snaps a photo.
Or by setting a Christmas tree on fire because that's what I imagine her hair smells like.
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