Prince of England Prince William and Princess of Snails Taylor Swift joined Jon Bon Jovi on stage for a quick sing-along at a charity gala Tuesday night and, if you expected the resulting performance of "Livin' on a Prayer" to be the most awkward thing that has ever transpired between three humans, what occurred was even more awkward than what you were expecting, as several different artistic styles battling for dominance.
Prince William, standing ramrod straight and nodding solemnly, rendered the song as a kind of dirge for all those who have lived and died on a prayer.
Taylor Swift—a cross between a junior accountant four margs deep at karaoke, a vaudeville ingenue funny off amphetamines, and Anne Hathaway doing an impression of Anne Hathaway—did everything else. She acted out literal interpretations of the lyrics. She cupped her hands over her mouth and screamed into the mic. She performed the hula. She muggingly appraised Jon Bon Jovi's guitar playing. She threw up double "#1!" signs and yipped. She instigated a two-handed high five with Prince William, who adjusted his bow-tie in response. She jerked her hips. She snapped. She clapped. She swayed.
And all the while, Jon Bon Jovi strummed and sang and silently berated himself for inviting these two turkeys to join him on stage.
Kate Middleton stayed home.