Those of us who actually work all day at our tech startup jobs — unlike AOL staffers, apparently — saw the drunken, typo-strewn missive from an AOL employee and thought, whoa, seems funny but I've no time to read all this — can you text me a summary? Here's the SMS-sized edit of the AOL epic.

Friend, Colleagues, Former Co-Workers,

You CAN drink pain away, but it usually takes substantial amounts of alcohol. Senior management has proved they are incapable of running a layoff. Now, how are they supposed to transition to NYC and actually compete? The obvious answer is they can't. [AOL President and Chief Operating Officer] Ron Grant quote: "I'm just not seeing people working hard enough. I need to walk down the halls and see pizza boxes outside people's doors." He wanted to get the spark going by instilling a sense of the startup vibe ... at a company where the last great innovation was [May 1997 release] AIM. Like any shitty relationship, leaving AOL seems the hardest thing to do. But you've been tossed overboard and reborn in the waters of a new job market. For that you should be thanking the dumbshits.

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