Google's sprawling, cheerfully dystopian campus at Mountain View may intimidate the first-time visitor. But there's no need to fear. The easy rule of thumb dictates that the most concentrated power centers gravitate toward the middle (where the engineers and their excellent cafeterias reside). But once you get past the first impressions, you'll need a little guidance. After the jump, enjoy our annotated map of 25 sights to take in across the entire Google campus before you die, and/or are killed by Google's very understanding but nevertheless lethal security forces. Dinosaurs! Pools! Massage parlors! Endless bowls of bisque! It's all here.

Internal IT Group - Buildings Pi, E, and C are older than the main buildings but are still part of the Googleplex. They house the internal IT department and employee e-mail system for the campus. It's the nervous system that eventually leads to the cold, merciless, and yet non-evil brain of the entire operation.

Building Pi - Houses a replicant factory (rumored).

Legal and Audit - Home of the dreaded SOX (Sarbanes-Oxley) regulatory compliance audit team.

Sales - Cause Google gots to get paid.

Omid Kordestani's Office - At one point, the non-engineering parts of the Googleplex were called Omidistan, in honor of head sales guy Omid Kordestani.

Cafe 7 - This building group's feed station.

Security at Parking Lot Entrance - The Main Campus (buildings 40, 41, 42, and 43) has security at every parking lot entrance. Designated "Interview" parking serves the hordes of applicants late to HR meetings because they can't find spaces. There's also a covered parking garage underneath the main campus; that's why you don't see too many nice cars in the main lots, as people with the fancy rides don't dare park them outside in the elements. You can always valet your car, but it takes forever to retrieve it.

Adwords - Cause bloggers gots to get paid. Very slightly paid.

Sheryl Sandberg's Dominion - Sandberg is an ex-government official (she was chief of staff for the head of the Department of the Treasury). She's the connection to the government speakers and high mucky-mucks who visit Google periodically.

Statues Outside Building 45 - Your guess is as good as ours. Circus guys? A celebration of creativity? We're going with circus dudes.

Pintxo Cafe - From Yelp: "Pintxo simply rocks. They've got an awesome selection of foods, such as smoked salmon, steaks tartare, shrimp cocktails, lobster bisque, french onion soup, etc. The emphasis definitely is on quality over quantity here, just the way I like it. But since this is a Google cafeteria, it's also all you can eat anyway! Perfect! I'd eat here every day if only I worked closer to Building 47."

Commuter Bus Office - The people who run the Google San Francisco commuting bus are housed at 1550 Plymouth. The Plymouth Cafe is also near here.

Cafe 150 - Another spot for tying on the all-you-can-eat feed bag.

Adsense - You don't really think bloggers gots to get paid, do you?

And now let's take a closer look at that aforementioned brain of Google, located in buildings 40 through 43.

Live List of Searches - One of many in various lobbies.

Google Master Plan - Version 1.0, currently erased and rebooted.

Swimming Pools - Miniature aquatic delights.

Eric Schmidt's Office - Schmidt is on the second floor of building 42. He's been there for a while. At one point, he moved to a larger office in 43, but executive assistant Pam Shore (the most important woman in his life) thought 43 was too busy. So Schmidt moved back to his tiny office in 42.

Volleyball Courts - Fancy a game, punk?

Dinosaur! - The T-rex waits behind chain link. For now.

Massage Parlors - Happy endings guaranteed.

Charlie's Cafe - Named for ex-Google chef Charlie Ayers, who previously cooked for the Grateful Dead.

"Green" Building - Building 43 is a "green" building, with recycled carpets, sustainable wood, and recycled blue jeans used as soundproofing materials.

Offices of Larry Page, Sergey Brin, and Marissa Mayer - Page, Brin, and Mayer have their offices on the second floor of building 43. They're a cozy bunch, them three. The executive conference room is also on the second floor of 43.

SpaceShipOne Replica - Oh yes, it's just a replica. As far as anyone knows.

Of course, this map can always use more annotations. Send your corrections, expansions, and personal reminisces (plus photos) to tips@valleywag.com, and we'll update the map as needed.

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