With Rolling Stone's story on gang rape at the University of Virginia spinning down the crapper, the gentlebros of Phi Kappa Psi are striking back—with a stupid, carefully worded press release. It basically means nothing.

You can read the full statement, almost certainly written by a former frat-bro lawyer and not an actual Phi Psi guy, right here:

Advertisement

I was in a fraternity during college. I say that here for two reasons: so you know I was sweet as hell back then, and so you trust me when I tell you this letter is basically meaningless, penned by a group of scared kids in crisis mode, who require regular meetings to keep their floors mopped of beer. It's supposed to "refute" claims of sexual assault against the group, but what does it really refute?

"We have no knowledge of these alleged acts being committed at our house or by our members" doesn't refute said acts.

Sponsored

"The chapter did not have a date function or a social event during the weekend of September 28th, 2012" doesn't refute said acts—that only means there was no formally organized party at Phi Psi that night. It doesn't mean people weren't socializing there. Maybe it was a handful of people, maybe it was a huge rager, but it's a given that someone is drinking at every college frat in the United States at any given moment.

"Our chapter's pledging and initiation periods, as required by the University and Inter-Fraternity Council, take place solely in the spring semester and not in the fall semester" doesn't refute said acts, because frat rushing is lawless. This is like a foreign regime denying the use of chemical weapons because it's against international law—who cares, man! Not Phi Psi, or any other fraternity, which are constantly breaking the fake rules imposed upon them by fake institutions like "Inter-Fraternity Councils."

"No ritualized sexual assault is part of our pledging or initiation process" doesn't refute said acts, but at least it's very minimally reassuring.

The only counter-claim that doesn't instantly fold in on itself is that "the 2012 roster of the Aquatic and Fitness Center does not list a Phi Kappa Psi as a lifeguard," as originally claimed by the alleged rape victim. But if the only hole in her story is that she said some guy was a part-time lifeguard but that guy wasn't a part-time lifeguard, then this apologia is truly as lame as it looks.