Clam the psychic clam, who has accurately predicted every U.S. victory in the 2014 World Cup, has reached deep into the psychic aether and emerged with a prophecy: The United States will beat Belgium in today's knockout World Cup game.
Clam fever has swept America, and it shows no signs of stopping: Teens everywhere love Clam's patriotic attitude, edgy fashion choices, and powerful clairvoyant abilities. Who is Clam dating, and where is Clam going? many people have asked. It is possible, if not likely, that Belgium will not even play this game, and concede early knowing Clam has augured its loss.
Yet, for reasons unclear and disappointing, ESPN and ABC have refused to cover Clam, and Sepp Blatter remains silent in the fact of Clam's power. No matter. After the U.S. victory over Belgium today, they will have no choice: Clam for coach, Clam for president, Clam for God Emperor!
Video by Nick Stango