Thatz Not Okay: Can I Fuck My High School Enemy's Dad?

So there was this girl that I went to high school with, and basically she was/is a homophobic, mouth breathing waste of space that made my life at the time rather miserable. Anywho, recently I was on Grindr (like half my day at work) and I happened upon her still rather handsome/DILF-esque father. I messaged him and we struck up a conversation, although it's pretty obvious he has no idea who I am (though to tell the truth I have been a bit vague about some of the facts). I'm considering banging him, and then disclosing said banging to a few select individuals, knowing it would make its way back to her. Is that okay?

Thatz not okay.

This is your big plan to show your high school nemesis how successful and well-adjusted you've become? "I spend half my day at work on Grindr and had sex with your dad to upset you. U mad?"

Do not make your own Revenge episode on your iPhone.

Even if you weren't scheming to out an apparently innocent party, it's pretty lame to sleep with someone's parent as revenge for high school. Never mind the fact that your success in this endeavor relies on a great number of variables falling into place exactly as you hope: that her father will ultimately consent to bang or be banged by you; that the select individuals to whom you boast share your same dearth of morals and will leap at the chance to spread gossip about this girl's father; that this girl, upon hearing from a friend of a friend of a friend that Tyler B. banged her dad, will believe the allegation.

If she doesn't know her father has sex with young men, her first reaction upon hearing that a former classmate is claiming to have bedded him probably will be disbelief, not "I am so angry this happened!"

If the man has already come out to his family (which could explain her adolescent homophobia; perhaps she was resentful? Overcompensating?), you have even less impetus:

"Your dad is gay!"

"I know."

"I know too, now."

"Okay."

How would her gossipy friends even broach that subject? "Do you want to get pizza for dinner? Tyler fucked your dad."

It's difficult to know how hard this man is trying to keep his homosexual rendezvous secret from his daughter. If he's trying to be discreet, sleeping with someone about his daughter's age, who lives in the same town as his daughter, whose Grindr display name is JensEnemy4LifeClassof05 is irresponsible. On the other hand, it seems quite likely that "to tell the truth I have been a bit vague about some of the facts," is your way of saying "I HAVE TOLD MANY, MANY LIES BOTH OUTRIGHT AND THROUGH OMISSION TO CONCEAL MY IDENTITY FROM THIS MAN."

The problem is not that you want to sleep with this girl's dad (he's a DILF!); the problem is that you are plotting to fuck him just so you can fuck her. You should not trick anyone into having sex with you. You should not out random people.

The best revenge is living well, though given that you spend your days dreaming of getting back at high school bullies by fucking their parents, it sounds like that ship has probably sailed for you. So just try to live passably and don't go out of your way to inject chaos into other people's lives. (Also, spread a rumor through your nefarious gossip channels that you slept with someone famous. Who's gonna know?)


Thatz Not Okay: Can I Fuck My High School Enemy's Dad?

I recently hosted a surprise party for my wife's birthday at a restaurant where I invited about 20 of her friends and their spouses. It was open bar so when the party started I tipped the bartender big time and told him to make the women's drinks really strong. The party was great but by the end most of the women were getting pretty sloppy. They were slurring as the would talk to me and a few even had to go to the bathroom to throw up. The next day a few sent me notes telling me what a great husband I was for throwing this party while also apologizing for getting wasted. I feel bad but I don't want to let them know that I purposely had drinks made really strong for them. Is that ok?

Thatz okay.

The "surprise" in "surprise party" shouldn't stand for "Don't worry, honey, you're still a tank under normal conditions. I tricked you, surprise!"

That being said, revealing your intentions to Get The Party Started with a bang comparable in size to the one that birthed the universe is pointless at this stage. The party is pooped. An announcement won't lift anyone's hangover or undo any embarrassments. It cannot put purged matter back into party guests' stomachs.

"I asked the bartender to make all the drinks extra stiff," is a good thing to say before everyone starts knocking them back, so that they can adjust their intake accordingly. It's good that you feel bad now. Remember this bad feeling the next time you consider embarking upon a secret mission to loosen up the la-a-a-dies.

Telling the bartender to give everyone's drinks that name-brand Tylenol treatment (EXTRA STRENGTH) is a very, very different thing from telling him to get all the women bombed. Working hard to get everyone wasted is the job of the never-gonna-retire social chair of this noble frat. (You should still warn the group about what you're doing.) Fucking with specific people's drinks is the purview of sex predators and spies.

If these women are grown enough to send courteous thank you notes to a party's host, they are grown enough to dictate the strength of their own drinks. If they are not grown enough to do that, they are too young and too ill-mannered to be drinking alcohol in the first place.

You supplied an open bar. People were going to get drunk without any further assistance from you. Ordering extra-strong drinks at an open bar is like counting to infinity by twos.

It should be noted that you alone do not bear all the blame for your wife's fun party devolving into a sloppy, godless bacchanal. (Just most of it.) First: Unless the birthday you were observing was your wife's 21st, her friends probably have some awareness of what the process of becoming extremely drunk feels like. Assuming the bartender wasn't giving them shots of straight lighter fluid, it's unlikely that one drink was enough to incapacitate them (though, of course, their judgement may have been impaired by the fact that their first drink was secretly a double). Second: A responsible bartender would not continue serving alcohol to a customer that was falling down-drunk. (A crafty bartender would have accepted your tip–"Sure thing, boss!"–and then watered down the drinks as usual.)

Even if your intentions were pure as 190-proof grain alcohol, extreme generosity can precipitate inconvenience. Just because your wife likes chocolate doesn't mean she wants a 6-foot chocolate fountain delivered to her office on a Tuesday afternoon. Just because her friends think it's fun to get loaded doesn't mean they will enjoy dying of alcohol poisoning at a Buca di Beppo.

I'm awed you are able to call this party "great" with a straight face even though it culminated in multiple guests inebriated beyond speech and hurling in a public bathroom. Hopefully your next gathering will be simply "OK."


Thatz Not Okay is a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions (max: 200 words) to caity@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay." Images by Jim Cooke.