9 Essential Parenting Lessons from the Teen Mom Sex Tape

It’s not all that surprising that Farrah Abraham shot and sold a sex tape. Every reward America has ever given Farrah has been a direct result of her having sex. In 2009, America rewarded Farrah—then a popular cheerleader at Thomas Jefferson High School in Council Bluffs, Iowa—with her own episode of MTV's 16 and Pregnant. Next, it rewarded her with a starring role on four seasons of Teen Mom. Now it’s rewarded her with a paycheck in the “high six figures” for a sex tape she shot with porn star James Deen. She’s already been rewarded for that with an endorsement deal in the “low six figures," for hawking a raspberry-flavored weightloss pill.

Lots of people (myself included) have, until now, stayed away from the Farrah sextape mire— a sour combination of heartbreaking, infuriating, desperate, and boring behaviors that can best be described as “greasy.” But a short post yesterday that included a video clip of Farrah having sex with pornstar James Deen quickly became the best performing post of the day on Gawker (by far). For all the protestation, there is no denying that lots more people are eager to watch Farrah, who rode the fame-wave of televised teen motherhood all the way onto a pornstar’s cock, have sex.

Which brings us here. As a writer for Gawker.com, my job is to provide clickable content for America to love (or, even better, to “like” on Facebook). Yesterday, we learned that America loves clickable Farrah sex tape content. Today, I am providing you with clickable Farrah sex tape content. I hope that you love it (or, even better, “like” it on Facebook).

These are the 9 parenting lessons we can take away from Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen M♥m.

1. The scene: Farrah perches on a brown couch and begins to remove her high heels.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “Are you gonna take your shoes off, too [before we have sex]?”

The lesson: No shoes on the furniture.

2. The scene: Farrah pulls some lingerie out of the giant duffel bag of lingerie she has brought along on her sex date with a relative stranger.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “Baby, I need water. It’s so hot in here.”

The lesson: Dehydration is your worst enemy.

3. The scene: Farrah lies back on a bed and crosses her legs, refusing to let James aim the camera up her skirt to the bare crotch into which he will soon ferociously pound his dick.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “Legs are closed right now.”

The lesson: A lady knows when to close her legs.

4. The scene: Farrah continues to lie on the bed; James is surprised that she has consented to appear nude (and later have sex) on camera, but will not allow him to film up her dress.

The dialogue: (James to Farrah) “Alright, well, good luck getting those panties on with your legs closed, retard.”

The lesson: Don't say "retard." It's a potty word.

5. The scene: Now clad in a matching bra-panty set, Farrah continues to rifle through her giant bag of sex clothes for reasons unclear.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “Okay, well, like, I don’t really like these ones that she got me." (James to Farrah) "Who got you this? What are you talking about?" (Farrah to James) "My girlfriend and I went to pick out lingerie together and we picked stuff out for each other and were like ‘Okay, you should try this and I’ll try that,’ and...so I tried this [outfit on], butthead.”

The lesson: While it can be fun to go shopping with a friend, don’t let yourself be pressured into buying an outfit you’ll never wear.

6. The scene: Farrah performs oral sex on James.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “Tell me how you like it.”

The lesson: Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback.

7. The scene: After pulling off James’ trousers and performing oral sex for 17 seconds, Farrah is ready to transition to the next rote sex act.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “I wanna go get my lube, baby....‘cause we’re gonna do anal.”

The lesson: When you’re doing something unpleasant, whether it be removing a Band-Aid or filming an awkward sex tape with the professional sex worker you just met, you should get it over with as quickly as possible.

8. The scene: While on her way to procure lubrication, Farrah pauses at the top of the stairs. James entreats her to return to him.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “No, my ass is shy. It doesn’t wanna see you anymore.”

The lesson: It’s normal to feel shy sometimes. The important thing is to be comfortable in your own skin and believe in yourself.

9. The scene: Farrah proceeds down the stairs, vowing to return shortly with lubrication so that she and James may more easily perform anal sex.

The dialogue: (Farrah to James) “And you better be careful!”

The lesson: Be careful when having anal sex with a paid stranger.

[Art by Jim Cooke // Clips from Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen M♥m graciously provided by PornHub]

To contact the author of this post, email caity@gawker.com.