If you're old and no longer in touch with your high school buddies, there's one obvious problem with coming home for the holidays: You don't know where to buy drugs anymore. Fear not. We can get through this, together.
Finding drugs in a place where you have no networks is a skill. Some people are born with it—natural drug-finders with easy manners and pinpoint radars. Some people need to learn. For the latter category, this is your guide.
Ask a Teen
If you have teenage siblings or cousins, you should ask them where they get their drugs—or, even better, if they'll sell you an appropriate amount from their stashes. Don't be embarrassed that you don't know the right slang words. Offer to buy them some beer in exchange.
Raid Your Parents' Stash
When everyone is downstairs arguing about Obama, sneak up to your parents' bathroom and check the drawers and medicine cabinet. Odds are you'll find something good there. If your parents have recently undergone surgery or suffer from anxiety (possibly induced by the sudden homecoming of their drug addict child), those odds are even better. Check for generic labels: lorazepam (Ativan), diazepam (Valium), oxycodone (duh), any compound that contains "amphetamine." If you're unsure of what a certain pill is, mail it to me c/o Gawker Media, 210 Elizabeth Street, New York, NY 10012. Don't forget: In a pinch, you can chug a whole bottle of Robitussin.
Bring Drugs With You
If you're traveling by car, train, or bus, just toss the baggie somewhere deep in your bag. If you're traveling by plane and feeling paranoid stuff it into a shampoo bottle.
Talk to Your Weed-Smoking Uncle
Even if you don't have any younger siblings or cousins, you probably have an uncle who smokes weed. Find a way to bring it up in conversation, see if you'll hook you up. Because he is also old and likely has troubles of his own finding drugs, he may be sympathetic. It's also possible he'll have a prescription for Vicodin due to a bad back or something. Watch out, though: he might snitch on you to your mom. Or, worse, you might be obligated to smoke with him.
Tip well, order at least two drinks, and ask your bartender directly.
White Guy with Dreads
We don't usually advocate stereotyping, but you know what category of person always has drugs or knows where to find them? White dudes with dreads. Offer to go on a grocery run and use the opportunity to find a white guy with dreads hanging out downtown or at the local shopping plaza. Ask to bum a cigarette and strike up a conversation. At an appropriate moment, tell him you're looking for drugs. Note that this same method can be used, with lower rates of success, with the skaters and punks hanging out downtown.
If you're still Facebook friends with most of the kids you went to high school with, there's a decent chance one of them can hook you up. Write a status update and use the button next to "post" to limit to people you went to high school with. Or use Facebook's graph search: "people I went to high school with who work at Long John Silver's" or "my friends who like the band Tool."
This is not a great idea, but it's certainly an idea. This Yelp page suggests buying drugs at the Gold Room, which used to be an infamous strip club but is now a regular overpriced club owned by the boyfriend of my high school friend's younger sister. I often see pictures of them on Facebook flying places in a private jet. What a world!
Steal Weed From Cindy's Parents
This is my step-mom's suggestion, but I don't know her friend Cindy.
The Wendy's Parking Lot Near My High School
I used to buy weed in the parking lot of the Wendy's near my high school in Sandy Springs, Ga., but it's closed now. Sad, but there's no reason to dwell—let's move on.
The Parking Lot Behind the Perimeter Pointe Movie Theater
Back in the early 2000s, you could go to parking lot behind the Perimeter Pointe movie theater in Dunwoody to buy your drugs. Sketchy dudes in JNCO's sold weed and various pills. My friend Kyle occasionally sold pot brownies there. It was a wonderful time to be alive. Are there still sketchy dudes there on Friday nights, selling drugs? Maybe. Worth checking out, at least.
The Parking Lot of the CVS Near My High School
If the Wendy's parking lot was too crowded, sometimes we'd meet in the parking lot of the CVS, which overlooked the Wendy's parking lot. The parking lot is still there and probably a good place to buy drugs. Ask around until someone helps, but do not ask a cop.
The Parking Lot Near the Houston's Off West Paces Ferry
One time I bought weed from a high school acquaintance and some of his friends in this parking lot. It's still there but I'm pretty sure they ripped me off, so I'd look elsewhere if I were you.
If he's home, he probably knows someone.
[Illustration by Jim Cooke]