Today Gawker is pleased to present the first of a three-part serialization of the novel The Apple Store, by "@Seinfeld2000." @Seinfeld2000 is the online persona of an anonymous Seinfeld fanatic, created originally to spoof the hugely popular @SeinfeldToday Twitter account. Like @SeinfeldToday, @Seinfeld2000 imagines a world in which Seinfeld is still on the air today, placing the ’90s' favorite sitcom characters in contemporary situations. Unlike @SeinfeldToday, @Seinfeld2000 is very funny. The Apple Store is a deranged Seinfeld fanfic masterpiece.
@Seinfeld2000 self-published The Apple Store in April through Smashwords.com. But last Friday, SmashWords notified him that it had removed the book in response to a copyright request from Warner Brothers. @Seinfeld200 gave Gawker permission to republish The Apple Store in full, so everyone on the internet can delight in the criminal exploits of Jary, Elane, Garge and Kragdar. You can read an interview Gawker conducted with @Seinfeld2000 about The Apple Store here.
Garge squint. And not because hes not wearing his glases. And not because some one squirt grape fruit juice in his eye.
Its because he did not stand beneath natural sun light for so many years. If you want to know how many year's he lived in the darkness exactly, its like dude why dont you chill out because Im about to get to it rite now: fifteen year's. He went in to prisen in 1998 with he's best frends Jary Elane and Kragdar for violating the "good samariten law" in the small Masechuset's town of Latham, Masechuset's.
At the time, the jugde Art Vandalay only sentance the gang to just one year in prisen. But the high profiale case opened up an investagation into the murder of Garges fiancey, or watever, however you spell it, you know what Im talking about, Suzette, the woman who he was engage to but then kill by purpesely buy poisen enveloapes and then making her lick 200 of them consecutive, just one after another, one after another, even after Suzette say "I think these enveloapes containe poisen," Garge say "Suzette dont be a duche bag, keep lick those enveloapes" you know things of this nature. He raise hes voice: "if your serious about this mariage you will continue lick the enveloapes."
Then when Suzette was to weak to continue lick the enveloapes, Garge took he's New York Yankeys couch pillow and put it over Suzette face until shes no longer breathe. After he feel she have no pulse, he say "good nite swete princess." Then he throw the doll that look like he's mom directly in the garbege can and then he practece he's most distress voice and dial 9-1-1. He planed this murder for severel monththruout seasen 7 (but obviosly Garge dont know it as Seasen 7, to him life is real Im just saying Seasen 7 so you have a refrence point).
During the trial long story short Garge utiliaze african amerecan lawyer Jacky Child who basicaly manipelate the legal sys and get Garge off with a much smaler charge than he deserve. I dont know why your so shocked bro, this happen prety much EVERY DAY in america. Anyway where was I oh yeah: so on top of the one year sentence for violate "good samariten law" the juge add another 12 years. OK, I see you doing the math: one year for the originel sentance, plus 12 year's for the manslauter charge = 13. So why was Garge in jail for 15 year's? Honestly its because he shanked a prisener in the face in 2002.
Anyway, so Garge FINALY get release from Rikers Islend, its like a New york prisen located near La Guardea Internationel Air Port. When he step thru the gates he take a deep breathe of his first taste of fredem. Even though hes breathe in New York City smog basicly, to Garge the air taste sweete and crisp as a cucumbre pull fresh from the earth.
Bravely, Garge step forwerd into unfamilliar new modarn world.
"Hows every one doing," Jary dispasionately ask crowd of about 100 as they trickel into theater.
The city is Des Moine, Iowa, and the theater smell faint of urine. Jary is the open act in a show call "Carot Top Present: The Originel King's Of Prop Comady Tour". The full line-up is: Jary Sendfend, Keny Banya, Carlos Mensia and Carot Top, they perform in that order.
Now, in the 1990's when Jarys comady career was start to heating up? He used to look down on prop comedy. But going to prisen in 1998 took him out of the spot lite for one year. Big deal right? Um, actualy, ya. In stand up comady one year is like infinity year's. The jail sentance totaly killed the momentem of his carer. No more The Tonite Show. No more The David Leterman show. He get drop by his agent. He basicly have to start at the bottom again.
But when My Space web site come out, Jary harness the power of the the sociel media site to revive his careere. Many open microphoane nites and colege freshman week performences later, Jary claw hes way back in to the stand up comady world. Now its 2013 and Jary is six day's in to the CTP:TOKOPCT tour, 57 dates all acros Amereca. Only problam is, Jarys not a prop comedien. In his heart he consider it below him. And not to mentien? He has to go on every nite before Keny Banya, a man he once swore to never speak to again. But some time's in life you have to compremise. Thats just how life works, k.
Anyway, Jarys out there on stage in this misereble theater that smell like muted piss, perfarming in front of ugly midwesterner's who arent even there to see him. But he swalow his pride and push thru the humiliatien. Jary need money for food.
"Who here use iTunes to listen to .mp3's?" he say over the scufling of shoes and murmer of conversatien. "Ever notice that iTunes want you to instal update like every ten minute's? Its like, Hey Apple, i was perfectly satesfide with iTunes versien 11.0.1. Why do i need iTunes versien 11.0.2? The interface barely seem moare smooth. Um, will the Lana Delray CD I just import to my iTunes librery sound more crisp in versien 11.0.2?"
At this point, with expert time Jary reach into the front pocket of his overall's and produce the first "prop" from his set, a copy of Lana Delrays 2012 debut albem "Born To Die." From the audiance the CD is tiny and the light reflect and glint off the surfece of the compact disk so its imposible to read. Jary go on: "Speaking of digital media, any of you ever tried to load a .wav file into their Micresoft Zune? The file so large it take like three minute for every .wav file! You know why they call it .wav file, rite? Because—"
But Jary never get to deliver the punch line. He hear a voice from some where in the back go "Jary senfeld? More like Jary SHIT-feld!" Its the first time anyone in the room laugh, and the WHOALE room laugh. Jary feel like Kim Jung-Un just fire a nuclular misile at his chest. Jary want to come up with a good come back but cant tell the race of the audiance member. So he just go: "FUCK YOU." But this only make the hecklar get bolder and the hecklar go: "Instead of iTunes maybe you shold update your SENSE OF HUMER to versien 11.0.2!" Jary feel the room start to spining around. Execpt spoiler alert: its all in hes mind. Hes tramataize. Jary just faint right there.
"JARY. Jary wake up." Jarys visien come into focus and he see Keny Banya is give him pasionate mouth to mouth CPR. Hes back stage. He push Keny Banya off his body. Keny Banya go flying back in to a pile of Carot Top's props, shatering Carot Top's closing gag, something called "Blu-Ray Player With A Vagina."
"Hey what gives I just save youre life," Keny Banya go.
"I DONT NEED YOURE HELP!!!!!" Jary yell out, wiping Banyas lip stick off his mouth as he run to the bath room, the only place where he can get privecy.
You know how in the show 'Senfeld' Jary is all proud because he hasnt vomit since 1981 or watever? Well he break that streak. After all the chunk's came out, then he put down the lid, sit on the toilette, and cry more than he did when Michel Jackson died.
Its not easy being over 50 and working at Buzzfeed.com.
But here is Elane, siting at her desk at the Buzzfeed.com office and staring at the 27 inch screne of her iMac with Intel Core 2 Duo. As the senier editer of the website's newly created sectien Buzzfeed Book's, her project for today is to finish an articel title "31 Reasens Why Malcome Gladwell Is Rad". But she just not into it.
Elane scan the room and takeing in the white antiseptec decor of Buzzfeed office in Soho. Her eyes land on a wall decoratien, a glareing yellow butten about the size of a parasol. It read simply: LOL. It seem to mock her. Honestly? Elane just dosent fit in here. No one here is under 30 and to Elane it is almost like nobody speaking Englesh. Everything is "HTML 5" this and "Keven Ware sports injery" that and "Game Of Throans recap" this and "Downten Abby parady tumblr" that. She have no idea what any of that mean. She open her face book and feal deep pit of emptynes as she click thru the profiles of her 17 face book frends.
Elane arive at the face book page of her old nemasis Sue Elan Mishkey-Kennedy (nee Sue Elan Mishkey), the airess to the O Henry candey bar fortune. Her heart sink as she look at Sue Elan Mishkey-Kennedy profiale. K, first of all Sue Elan Mishkey-Kennedy have like over 8,000 face book frends. Wtf! But worst part is Sue's profiale pic is of her beauteful family. If you havent guest by now, Sue Elan Mishkey marreyd a Kennedy. Thats Elanes fantasy. Sue Elan have three kids and their all gorgeus and all wearing bras as tops. Elane start to have a panic atack, kind of like Tony Sompranos from the hit HBO series The Sompranos. She start to feel the wall's closing in. Elane need a breth of fresh air. She click the apple logo icon on the menu bar and scrol down until it say "shut down" and then her iMac w Intel Core 2 Duo power down.
Out on the strete she take a walk to her faverite cloahting store, Alexandre Wang. Whenevar she feel this opresive coctail of exestential techno-angst and status anxiaty, her faverite thing to do is walk around the shop and enjoy the luxurey fashion brand's clean lines and edgy minimelism. But she never buy any thing. She cant aford that, not on her salery of $12,100 a year. A tee-shirt there is like $100!
When Elane arive back to the ofice she feel refresh, restoare and totaly ready to rock this artecle. Exept when she get to her desk, her iMac w Intel Core 2 Duo is gone. In its place is a post it note from the presedent and founder of Buzzfeed.com.
Note say: "LOL, hey Elane pls drop by my ofice when you have a moment ASAP"
Elane first release a quick number one in the toliette and then go to the Buzzfeed presedents office. Hes siting behind hes desk typing away on hes Samsung Galexy S4.
"You wanted to see me?" Elane go.
Buzzfeed.com presedent is like "Ya Elane. Just give me one nanosecond I just have to check in on Foursqare for the tenth time today."
"Why" say Elane.
Buzz feed presedent look so disapoint at this question. He just sigh so loud. "Elane, see this is part of the problem. We just dont think you fit into the hip, tech-savy, quirky corperate culture of Buzzfeed.com. I'm trying to build a new media empiare here, and lets face it, your in your mid 50's. Your probably going to die soon."
I mean, If you dont feel sorry for Elane at this point in the story your prety much an ashole and you should probably stop reading this book right now because I dont want some one like you consume my words.
The presedent of Buzzfeed continue. "I have some thing to tell you, but I dont have the heart to do it myself."
He pass Elane an 16GB iPad 2 with a Skype window open. Inside the Skype window is Doneld Trump, contreversial businesman and the creater of The Apprentece reality show.
Doneld Trump just go: "Elane, your fired."
Elane: "Ya but what about Buzzfeed Books. Whose going to run Buzz Feed Books."
Presedent of Buzzfeed say: "Oh dont wory, youve already been replaced by an alogrythm desined by a Buzzfeed intern."
Elane go back to her desk, pack all her Today Sponges into a box, and leave the ofice.
Kragdar contentedley sing "shine brite like a diamend, shine brite like a diamend" to him self while use Swifer 360 Duster to clean his desk.
But this is no ordinery desk. This is Conen OBriens desk from when Conen OBrien hosted the Tonite Show. Im just going to get rite to the point: Kragdar now living in the abandened set from Conen OBriens Tonite Show. He found it in the garbege and set it up in the midle of Time's Square and now thats his home now.
At this point your probably pictureing this image and thinking to youreself: "That dosent make sense dude. Like how did Kragdar find Conan Tonite Show set in New York City? Tonite Show is in Los Angales." OK. So in fictien theres some thing called "suspensien of disbeleif." Basicly what it mean's is that some times you just have to surender to the story and dont get bog down by nitpick little facts here and there. If you didnt suspend youre disbeliefs, a movie like Cloud Atlas would just crumbel under the weigt of real world logic. I just ask that you treat this novel with the same respect that you treat Cloud Atlas.
Kragdar sit down behind Conans old desk, put hes feet up, and watch the Jumbo Tron. (By the way Time's Square Jumbo tron now HD 1080p modarn day). Sudenly he notice's a group of black high schol students are on his Conen Tonite Show set, taking photos with their smart phones and laughing. If theres one thing Kragdar doesent like its people of color. But after years of liberaly and casualy using the n-word in even the most basic social interactiens, Kragdar realize that New Yorker's dont take too kindly to people who sprinkel the n-word into conversatiens, so hes been trying to be more acepting of the black race.
He smile at the african american's. "You kids are a long way from 106 & Park," Kragdar yell out. "Im Kragdar. This is my home now. When I went to prisen in 1998, I lost my rent controled apertment. Since 1988 I was paying $200 dolars per month in rent. Now the rent in the same apertment is twenty time's that amount. You think Kragdar can aford that? No way hosay. The only legit job Ive ever held in my life is at a bagal store. Why doant you go home instead of wasteing your time home invading me."
Well these kids they dont like that one bit. "Yo yo yo, yo yo yo yo yo yo, Kragdar? Why dont you go fuck youreself Kragdar," the fat one, whose name is probably Jamal, 90% chance, say. And they continue to take Instagram twitpics in this piece of televisien history that Kradgar has loveingly salveged, restoared and reapropriated as his home.
As you can expect, Kragdar exploade into a litany of n-words. He say n-word about 100 time's in a row. No one can beleive this is hapening. Even amid the loud frantic pulse and hub bub of Time's Square it seem like everything come to a stand still. Street style bloger The Sartorialest just hapen to be walking by and begin to film this scene on his HTC X9500 Shift phone. Just then the TMZ.com tour bus swing by full of tourist and their all snaping photos and start to tweting and texting about this clasic New York moment.
The black kids enrage. One of them lift up his shirt reveal an AK 47 asault rifel. It sparkle with menece off the neon lites of Time's Square night time.
Kragdar bolt through Manhatan and the black teenager's they chase after Kragdar.
"This fucking racest is going to be decease tonite," the one who is probably name Jamal say.
U.S. Presedent Barack Sadam Husene Obame sit in the darkened Oval Ofice at 2 a.m. wearing hes traditienel Kenyan roabe.
He take one last bite of the Chicago style deep dish pizza that he has flown to him every day on the Amerecan tax payer's dime and wipe the grease off his mouth with the U.S. consititutien.
He get up and walk to desk, where he keeps the Kenyan black magic crystle ball. Its black glow iluminate his face.
"Eeny, meeny, miney, mo — which basic U.S. freedoms are next to go?" he say aloud to no one and every one at the same time.
Then he flash that trade mark Bary Obame million doller grin as a crack of lightning sound in the distence.
Garge sit at the dining room table with his mom Estele Catandas and dad Frank Catandas at their home in Queen's, New York.
For the ocasien of Garges home coming from prisen, Estele Catandas has cook up her specielty, pieyeyya, a Spanesh rice dish containe rice, vegetebles, and ripe chunks of horsemeat. Garge still hate his parent's but as the rich flaver of the piyeyya spread over he's tongue, he feel a love for these people he has not felt since he was a round tiny young boy (even then he was bald) and they drove the LeCar for his boyhood trip to Michegan.
A raveneous Garge take another mouthful of the slop as hes parents pepper him with questions about the fifteen year's he spent behind bars. It seem like Frank Catandas have finaly develeped respect for Garge.
"So tell me the story of how you stab a prisener in the face?" Frank ask as he stand behind Garge and give him a fatherly yet sensuel shoulder masage.
Garge empty half a squeze-bottle of ketchep into hes plate and sop it up with a slice of glutan-free bread. Before he launch into the greusem tale, he have to remark on these modarn culinary advancements: "This is incredibel. First of all, before I went in to the slammer, ketchep came in glass bottels. You had to slap it on the bottom like a call girl if you wanted the red condement to come out. And glutan-free? I dont know what this is but its modern. They simpley did not have it in 1998."
Sudenly Garge spring up and walk to the wall to admire some modarn art hanging on Frank and Estele Catandas wall. Hes impressed. Frank and Estele have always had a traditienel sensibility when it come to aesthetic matter's. For as long as he knew it, this space on the wall was ocupied by a Normen Rockwell print of a smileing child with a cast on his arm eating a handful of bird seed out of the hand of the postman. But now its replace with this minimelist art work, a large black rectangle. He make out hes bald reflectien in the imposibly smooth black surfece. It look like something that should be hang in the Moma (Museum Of Modarn Art).
"This is beauteful," Garge remark. "It seem like a stark comentary on the end of art. Who designe this?"
"Not art," Frank go. "Thats a televisien."
Garge mind blown. In that inimetable Garge way, he pause for a moment then realiaze with a snort that his pop is jokeing. "Get out of here, what are you talking about."
Frank say, "No I'm not 'Punking' you Garge, thats a TV. A few years ago they found a way to make them flat. Thats why its called a 'flat-screne TV'."
Then Frank see a new layer of confusien cloud his sons face.
He have to remind him self that Garge was in prisen for a long time, and still have some catching up to do on all these new-fangel modarn things. "When I say 'Punking' Im making a reference to the TV show 'Punk'd,' it was a practicle joke show on MTV created and hosted by Ashten Kucher."
Now Garge look even moare confused. Frank see this. Even after 15 year's apart, Frank know his son like the back of his hand and can read his non-verbal cue's. "Ashten Kucher is acter. MTV stand for Music Televisien. Its a chanel. But I think they had that before you went to prisen on manslauter charge for the murder of Suzette."
Frank Catanda pick up the remoate control and press the power buten. The TV jump to life. On TV is the movie Avatar on HBO. Garge is mesmerize.
"Anyway," Frank say. "You were about to tell me the story of how you stab a man in the face in prisen? That's so cool. Even when I was fight in the Korean war—"
Garge hold up a finger, silencing Frank in an instant. Garge learned how to command authority at Riker's Islend. Remember the epsoad of 'Seinfend' when Garge was pretending to be a 'bad seed' for the purpese of sexuely arouse his girlfrend? Well now hes actualy a bad seed legit, if you havent gather that by now. "I need you see this," Garge say.
And for the next five hour's the Catanda family sit in silence and watch the rest of Avatar.
Its like 4.a.m. in the morning (allthough I guess thats redundent because a.m. means "morning" LOL) when the credits finaly start to role on Avatar. Garge stoked. "That is the most wonderful film I have ever seen. Is that a documentery?" he ask but Frank say no, its mostly made using computer animatiens and the like.
"Well even still," Garge say, "That was even beter than Rochele Rochele, a movie whose memory that got me through many lonely nites in solitairy confine."
Frank see his oportunity and go: "Speaking of which, now please tell me the story of how you shank a prisener in the face."
"Ah yes," Garge begin, and take a sip of new Pepsi Max Splash Of Lime. "My cell mate was not a young man but he had balls of steel. He had done a lot of bad things in his life and had been sentance to time in jail that would excede the rest of his life. So this man did not give a crap about any thing. Anyway, all of my orenge prisen uniforms were in laundry, and at Rikers you get into serieus trouble with the guards, I learn that the hard way during my first week. So my cell mate and I were prety much the same height and weght. And I look over and see that he has two extra orenge prisen uniforms. So I say to him, 'hey Mad Dog' — thats his prisen nick name — 'hey Mad Dog, can I borow one of your extra prisen uniforms.' And he go, 'no way' and I say 'why' and you know what this peice of shit told me?"
Frank is rivet. "What."
"He say 'Because your big head is going to stretch out the neck hole of my fresh new uniform.' So I did what any one in my positien would do: I take out the spoon Ive been sharpening down to a fine point over the past eight months in my cell for just such an ocasien, and I stab him right in the fucking face. After that I never had no more problems," Garge say with a wink, and take a satisfied pull on his Pepsi Max Splash Of Lime. "And after that? Mad Dog, a.k.a. Bernie Madoff, never fuck with me again. No one does. And no one ever will again."
Frank Catanda and Estele Catanda are in awe of they're son for the first time since Garge work on a pilot for the NBC with his life long freind Jary Sendfend.
"Well, we are tired now," Garge parents say in unison. "We are going to hit the hay."
Estele kiss Garge on the cheek. "I love you son. Welcome back to the outside."
Then she notice a tear drop coming from Garge's eye. "Dont be ashame to cry. I understand this is emotienel for you to be reunite with youre parents."
"Its a tattoo," Garge say. Estele stop trying to wipe it. "Good nite Garge."
Garge sit in the dineing room. Its good to be out. He used to hate live with parent's but now, like a junier mint, the familiarety of home is vary refreshing. Still, something feel missing from Garge life: the soft touch of a woman.
Just then, the hit HBO series 'Girls' start to play on the flat screne TV. He see a face that will run through his mind later as he watch the sun rise over Queens from his tiny child hood bed.
That face? It belong to Lena Dunam.
To be continued... tune in tomorrow for part two.
[Illustration by Sam Woolley]