This is the third and final installment of @Seinfeld2000's original novel The Apple Store. In part two, Jary, Garge, Elane and Kragdar hit rock bottom. Jary, reduced to prop comedy, accidentally set Keny Banya on fire during his act and was fired from "Carot Top Present: The Originel King's Of Prop Comady Tour." He still managed to have sex with beautiful actress Amanda Seyfrede, but it was of small comfort. Kragdar got a gun. Evil Kenyan President Bary Obame smacked his head on the ground. And Garge found, and was rejected, by the love of his life: Lena Dunam.
JARY AND ELANE
When Jary swing open the door, first thing he see is Elane planking on his couch. ICYMI, "planking" is a modarn trend where you lie totaly flat on something like a plank of wood thats how it get the name "planking." Its hilarieus bc, like, wtf? Human's arent plank of wood! Hehe.
So ya, Jary come and and Elane planking but it turned out she was actualy taking a nap, but shes so anxiety by the recent event's that her body became legit stiff like a plank of pine wood. Jary asked Elane to take care of his apertment for him during hes on the "Carot Top Present: The Originel King's Of Prop Comady Tour". But he told Elane the tour would continue for much longer than now, so he realy startle Elane when he come in. She think this is a home invasien. She spring to life, reach in to her fake Alexandar Wang purse and grab her very real peper spray, rush rite up to Jary and start spraying him in the face and dosent stop until shes emptyed the whoale botle of peper spray rite into his eyes.
Jary wriathe on the floor in extreme agany. "What the H are you doing Elane, it's me, Jary!!!"
Elane go and put on her glases. Keep in mind she's in her 50's. Her eye site isn't what it use to be. As soon as she put on her glases she see its Jary. Shes so hapy to see him.
"Jary!" she exclame. If this was an epsode of 'Seindfeld' on TV, this is when the studieo audience berst into aplaud because this is the first time we seen these two characters together since this book started!
"Lanney!!" Jary say, wiping the peper spray from his eye. They hug and Jary instinctively put his tongue in her mouth.
"No no no Jary," Elane say, wagging her finger left to rite. "We used to dateing but not any more. Thats not apropriete now. We are just platonic friend now, which is rare for man and woman, so lets try to respect it and not cross that line k?"
"K," Jary say.
Dispite her unbridle enthusiasem to reunite with Jary, as the hard glare of a nasent New York City day begin to cast an elongateing rhombus of lite across the creaking hard wood floor of Jarys apertment, so the memory of yesterday come surfecing back into Elanes mind. She start to crying.
In 1998, when Senfeld was canceled by N.B.C. for low rateings, Jary would not have been afected by this display of emotien at all. Like the clasic Jim Carey movie "The Grintch," Jarys heart was three sizes to small. But as Nietche once said, "The develepment of the soul come thru human sufering." And the past 15 years, it has humbled Jary. It has made his consence sprout like a wild orchid in a Gobi dessert of uncaring.
Jary hug Elane tenderly. Jary hasnt seen Elane this sad since Bary Obame stole the presedency from Mit Romney, which was Mit Romneys God-given rite as a citizen who ACTUALY was born in Amercia, in 2012.
"What hapened Elane," he say. Jary sooth Elane. He masage her shoulder. And this time its not for the expres purpese of using her body for sex (even though he have full erect). Real talk? Hes fully turned on rite now but instead of trying to make a "move" Jary just deposet this moment into the afluence of his spank bank, wait for it to colect interest, and make a with drawl later when hes by himself in the shower.
Elane tell Jary about every thing that happened to her in the last bit. Im not gonna transcribe the whole conversatien because you already know what happened. But to sumarize, she tell him about geting fired by Buzz Feed.com, and about Daved Pady cheating on her with Marykate and Ashlie Olsen twin's. Now Elane tell Jary about how she has no relatienship, no money, and how she's been living off of Pro Biotic yogert sample's that they have been giving out outside of Jary's apertment.
This remind her. Its brekfest time. Elane reach into her perse and pull out a Pro Biotic yogert sample. She start to eat it and feel the straw berry kiwi flaver flow over her taste bud's in a wave of sustenence.
"Can I have one," Jary say.
"Sory, I only have like three left," Elane is like. "I need these for the whoale day."
"OK no wory's," Jary say. He go to his fridge, which is empty except for a botle of dijon musterd that expired in August 2011. He grab a plastic spoon from his drawre (or how ever you spell it) and dig in. "Well, Ive actualy had some tough time's recently myself."
Then Jary relay the story of the catestrophic comady tour. He tell about seting Keny Banya on fire. He even tell about haveing sex intercorse with Amanda Seyfrede. He tell about the hitch hikeing. Some time's he have to speak more loud to combat the volume of his ocasienel stomech groan's.
Even though Elanes not a comedien, she manage to say what everyone is thinking: "We are in need of money."
For a moment Jary and Elane they stand together and bask in the glow of this pure truth.
Then Elane remember shes been colecting Jarys mail. "Maybe theres a check in your mail, you can deposite it and we can get food," Elane say.
"Good idea," Jary go as he tear into his mail like a rabid ferret.
First one is junk mail. Second thing is a post card from his frend Garge. Theres a picture of Tay Zondaye on the front and on the back it say in Garges barely legebel hand writing "BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS, I'LL BE OUT OF PRISEN. I MISS YOU AND ALSO ELANE AND KRAGDAR. LETS REUNITE ASAP. MY NEW CELL PHONE NUMBER IS 555-GARGE. PLS CALL ME OR SEND ME TEXT MESAGE. SINSERELY, YOUR B.F.F. SINCE WE WERE CHILDHOOD, GARGE."
"Hey! Garge is got relese from prisen!" Jary say to Elane.
"Thats totaly swaged out!" Elane say, once againe temperarily forgeting their wories again due to the power of freind ship.
When Jary open the third enveloape his heart sink. Its a very oficial looking leter from Jackie Childe's (Jonny Cocrane parady black lawyer) law firm. Keny Banya is suing Jary for his medecle expenses for the burn treatment, plastic surgery. The amount they want is $217 000. Jary heart just sink. He just hold the leter up to Elane.
"I dont have this kind of money," he say, and take another spoon full of expired dijon musterd. "I dont have any money."
"What are we gona do?" Elane go.
"I dont know, Lanney."
Sudenly, as if by response, Jary feel his Samsung Galaxy S4 vibraite in his GAP 1969 skinny jean's. He pull it out. Its a text mesege from Kragdar.
"Meet me at the restrant we always used to go to. 2:00 pm," the text mesege from Kragdar say.
Jary text back just 1 letter, but that letter say it all: "K."
Bary Husane Obame sit at the head of dinner tabel in the White House. To his left is his wife, Michele Obame. Seated at the rite are his dauters, Malia and Sashe "Frere Jones" Obame. And he dosent recognize any of them. Just to remind you, when we last saw Obame, he hit his head prety bad in the Ovel Ofice and now he basicly doesn't remember anything.
"So, wait a minute," he say, even more slower than usual. "I'm the presedent of U.S.A.? Your fucking with me rite?"
"Please watch your language in front of your two impresionable young daugter's, and yes," Michele Obame say. "You are Barack Obame. You are the presedent. I know, its wierd. Basicly you used social media to take advantege of the disenfranchised and entitled milenial generatien to dupe your way into office."
"Whoa thats awesome!" Bary Obame say and then he stare off into the distence. "What is this?" he say, holding up a utensel.
Michele Obame SMH and her daugters all exchange concerned glance's. "Thats a fork, Bary."
"Mom," say Malia Obame, "why dont you go get the photo albem of dad when he was a small boy, maybe it will jossel his memery."
"Good idea," Michele Obame say. "I guess thats why we call you the smart one," she go, and cast a look of disapoint at Sashe Obame. Then she go upstares and return a minute later with the photo albem in her hand's. She clump down the photo albem in fromt of her husbend and turn it open to the first page. It show a picture of a five year old Obame playing in front of straw hut.
"See honny," go Michele Obame swetely. "Here you are in Kenya, the contry in Africa where you lived until 1987 before you came to Amereca ilegaly and paid the mafia $500 to manafacture for you a fake berth certificate and pasport."
Obame furow his brow with confusien. "Wait a secend, I dont realy know anything about the U.S. constetutien and even if I did, I prob wouldent adheare to it... but if Im from Kenya, dosent that disqualefy me from being presedent?"
Michele Obame give him a wink and hold her index finger up to her mouthe. "Shhh." Then the whoale family LOL, theyre face's iluminated by the red glow of candelabra encrust with diamend skull's carved into it resting in the center of the tabel providing the only lite in the room.
Five minute's later when the Obame family laughter finaly subside, Michele Obame have another idea. She get on the phoane which your hard-earn tax dollers pay for and call the direct line to the Lincoln bedroome in the White House.
"Hello?" Michele say into the telephone. "Sory to interupt your love making, but could you guy's come down to the dining room please? Thanks."
Shortly later, Jay-z and Beyance appear in the room.
"Yo yo yo yo yo Obame, whats going on," Jay-z say to Obame.
"Bary, this is your B.F.F. Jay-z. You dont make a singel politicle decisien with out him. Some times you go frolfing — golf with a frisbie — and you let him be presedent for a day. Thats how Amereca decided to pull the troop's out of Iraq even though we were totaly winning." (She say "winning" like the way that Charlie Sheen say it).
Beyance say, "Come on dont you know us? Every morning at 7 am we smoke a huge marajuane reefer together on the White House lawn, where you grow an entiare crop of marajuane, and then you put on your presedent outfit and make decisiens that will afect the lives of over 300 milien Americen's."
Bary Obame still drawing a blank. He shrug and shake his head simulteneous.
Michele Obame tell Jay-z and Beyance "OK homey's thanks for trying, you can go back to the Lincoln bedroome where you have an open invetation to come and go as you please for the remainder of Obame presedency."
Michele have one more idea. "OK Bary, come with me." He follow the woman who is saying she is his wife to a book shelf and she start to pull on one of the book's.
"You want me to read a book?" he say, kind of freaking out now. "I may not remember anything but one thing I do know is that I never learned to read."
"No no don't worry," Michele say, and she pull the book to 90-degree's and the whoale book shelf slide to the left like in Batman Dark Night Rises when Morgen Freemen do it, and reveale a coridor that lead to a pasageway. Michele lead Bary Obame downstares to a room full of blinking panel's and lites and lever's and switches.
"This is your faverite room in the whoale White House, Bary. But its very importent that—"
"Yay! Arcade!!!" Bary Obame say. "I love video game's!!!"
Sudenly Obame rush over to a panel and start to punching buton's and twisting crank's and pulling lever's. "What happen's if I do this?"
Michele Obame say “no dont do that Bary!" But its to late. She go over and read a monitor. "You just fired a nuclular misile at Helsinki. You just destroyed the largest city in Fin Land."
Bary Obame feel kinda bad. "Maybe we should tell peopel that I am unfit for to being presedent,":he say.
Michele look down at her custom made Chanel blouse and the diamend bracelettes that adorn her powerful arms. She think of every thing she would lose if Obame have to stop being presedent.
"Dont do that Bary," say Michele with dark smile. "You mite be Bary 'Insane' Obame now, but you only have 3 year's left in the White House. You can just practice being a normel."
They go back upstares and go to the bathrome together.
"Repeate after me," Michele go. "I am Bary Husane Obame. I am presedent. I dident hit my head in the Ovel Ofice and forget every thing. I am normel. I have a rite to be presedent."
Bary Obame look at her uncertain but then say it: "I am Bary Husane Obame. I am presedent. I dident hit my head in the Ovel Ofice and forget every thing. I am normel. I have a rite to be presedent."
It sound shaky at first, but after he say 100 time's, honestly? It sound naturel.
Obame swich of the lite, go to bed, and prepare for just another reguler day as presedent of Amereca.
JARY, GARGE, ELANE AND KRAGDAR
"Four water's please," Jary order.
Jary, Garge, Elane and Kragdar are siting in the restraunt where they always use to go in the 1990's. Their sitting in the same booth that they always use to sit together in for the first time in 15 year's.
The water's arive, and the waitres say, "OK guy's what would you like to eat."
"Nothing for me please," Jary say.
"Yeah ditto for me too, I'm good," Elane say.
"I would also like to have nothing please," Garge say.
"I will have a refill for my glass of water please," Kragdar say.
The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's.
For the next hour, they all sip on their water's and exchange story's about what they've been up to. Garge talk about finding the best toilete in Riker's Islend prisen. Elane tell how she finaly got her revenge on Gladis Mayo from the Cinco De Mayo mayan fashien clothing store by finding out where she lived and burning down her home. Jary talk about how he derailed an epsoad of Saterday Nite Live by standing on stage and yelling the c-word (cunt) during a skech staring Justin Timbrelake and get life time ban from N.B.C. And Kragdar just blart out "I tried sex with a dog!" Every one kind of ignore that one.
But they also talk about how their all down and out. How they all need money. Garge has no chance of ever geting a normal job again because of his extensev criminel record but he also need's at least $100 000 to impres Lena Dunam. That's nothing, Jary need's over $200 000 to pay for Keny Banya's medicle bill's. Elane is living off of pro biotec yogert samples. Kragdar homeless.
"See, this is why I wanted us to meet," Kragdar go. "In the 1990's we were booming Jary, booming!" he say, in the way that @SeinfeldToday write every character's dialogue, just make them repeate a word. That substitute for joke bc @SeinfeldToday dont acutaly know how to write joke's. "But in 2008 the recesion hit and it realy threw us off course. Now look at us. Were pathetic. Pathetic, Jary! Pathetic! Pathetic! Jary, we're pathetic!" (1,729 RTs)
Garge is getting upset. "Yeah, so. What is your point Kragdar? I dont see how we are going to get money."
Kragdar say. "But I do. Three word's: 5th Avenue Apple Store."
Elane go, "We're going to work at the 5th Avenue Apple Store?"
"No Elane," Kragdar say. "We are going to rob the 5th Avenue Apple Store."
If they had ordered any food, this is the point when Garge would say "check please." But they only drank water, so Garge just get up to leave. At least he start to.
"Now where are you going, Garge?" Kragdar ask.
"Well I'm not going back to prisen," Garge fire back.
Kragdar say: "You know who go to prisen Garge? People who get caught. We are not going to get caught."
Garge: "Oh yeah? How is that?"
Kragdar: "Because we're going to wear mask's."
"It still sound too risky," Garge say.
"Do you want to have relatienship with Lena Dunam, or no?" Kragdar go.
Garge then say, "...Yeah."
"Then this is the only way to do it."
Garge think for a moment. This go against his instict. But if every instinct he ever had in his whole life is wrong, then the oposite must be rite. "OK, I'm in."
Elane raise her hand. "One questien. How are we going to rob Apple Store. We dont have any gun."
"That's where your wrong," Kragdar say. And he lift his shirt like a character in the hit H.B.O. TV serie's The Wire to reveale the AK 47 tucked into the waiste band of his drop croch harem pant's. "Gidyap."
"I cant beleve Im going along with this!" Jary say in his trade mark whine. But he know's that at this point he has nothing to lose. Jary not afraid of death.
The whole gang all put theyre hand's together one on top of the other and go "wwwwwwhooooo!" They have a pact.
And for the rest of the nite they sit in the restaurant and they plan. They plan, Jary. Plan.
Its close to midnite when they finish. When they get up theyre exausted but also prety stoked for tomorow. The moment feel biter sweete. This could either work like a charm, or it could blow up in theyre face. Either way, theres no turning back. Tomorow they will meet at 11:00 am in the morning sharp at the corner of 5th Avenue and East 59th strete.
They all leave the restarant, so distracted by this plan that they dont notice Jarys long time nemasis Newmen was siting in the next booth over the whoale time.
Newmen shovel like 10 french frys in his mouth at once.
THE APPLE STORE
"If your having any doubts about this, I want you to voice them now," Kragdar begin. "Because if even 1 percent of you is not completely comited to what were about to do here, then go home, go back to your parent's house in Queen's, go back to your disgusting sex dungean in the East Vilage where uve been living since you were 22, go back to Wiliemsberg and continue to subsiste on Activia yogert samples."
With his singel long white dread lock rolling down his back, Kragdar now raise his voice as he look from Jary to Elane to Garge. "You hear me If your not all in, then just walk away. Walk the fuck away right now."
Kragdar pause. It's exactly 11:02 a.m. in the morning a.m. Every one except is dresed in the same uniform: puffy sherts (Jarys idea) and velvet sweat pant's (Garges idea). A gentel gust blow from neigbering Centrel Park thru the dewy May air. Jary, Elane, Garge and Kragdar feel the coolness of the lite wind againste their persperatien glazed forehead's.
Kragdar nod. He reach into his promotionel G.I. Joe: Retaliatien duffel bag. He produce three pink balleclava's with a litle unicorns stich into the top and pass two out to Jary and Garge and put the fourth one on his head. Next he pull out three water gun's painted black and distribute them. And then he finaly get his AK 47. He take one last deep breath of New York City air, it smell like the swete friction betwene life and death. The all pull the balleclava’s down over theyre sweaty faces.
Its go time.
Kragdar load the clip in his rifel.
With the adrenel thump of blood pounding in they’re ears, they run up to the cristaline glass cube that house the 5th Aveneu Apple Store and rush through the door’s. They run down stares.
“EVERY BODY GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!” Kragdar comand with his AK 47 pointed to the heaven’s. Every one the whole store — business men, tourists, staf member's — do what he say. He storm up to the "Genieus Bar" and reach behind it, puling one cowering Apple store employe up by his blue teeshirt with the Apple logo on it. "OPEN UP THE FUCKING CASH REGESTERS, NOW NOW NOW!" He swing over and look at the rest of the staff. "DONT ANY OF YOU GENIEUSES TRY TO BE HERO'S!"
While Kragdar empty the cash regester's into his promotionel G.I. Joe: Retaliatien duffel bag, Jary and Garge and Elane work the room. Waving theyre black painted water gun's they each fill garbege bag's with Apple Store custemer's wallets and purse's. Jary spot Mrs. Chote who he once stole rye bread from. "GIMME YOURE FUCKING PURSE RITE NOW YOU OLD BAG!" When Jary take her purse she go's flying into a wall of Beat's By Docter Dre headphones. "Thats a shame," Jary say.
With every one's bags bersting with money, its time to go.
"ALRITE, THAT'S IT FOR US, THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERY BODY!" Garge call out. He know when to leave on a highnote. And the gang all rush back up the stares.
But when they rush out the door's what they see stop them dead in theyre track's: the whole Apple store is surounded by NYPD. There must be 50 polices with theyre guns pointed at Jary, Elane, Garge and Kragdar.
"FREEZE!" a police bark thru a megephone. "DROP YOUR WEAPENS!"
Garge, Elane and Jary do it.
Jary whisper to the rest of the gang, "How did they get here so fast?" But then he notice a United State's Post Ofice mail truck parked on the other side of 5th Avenue with a familier face watching them with satisfyed smile.
"Newmen," Jary go while clench his fist.
Meanwhile, Kragdar still have his AK 47 pointed up. “YOU TOO, DREADLOCK! DROP THE GUN!”
"Your going to have to pry this gun out of my cold dead hand's!" Kragdar yell back and he blast it in the air with a defening ratle. His eye's pop out manaicaly.
"GIDYAP MOTHER FUCKERS! GIDY THE FUCK AP!"
The entire police force start to riddling Kragdar with bulets. His body twerk as hundreds of bulets pass thru him. Stray bulets hit the Apple store cube. It shatter spectaculerly. Sparkling shard's of glass fly every which way as the pane's come loose from the frame work of the cube and pop into a milien shimering fragements.
Kragdar fall forward, landing into an expandeing pool of his own blood with a splash.
Kragdar is dead.
There is a moment when nothing happen's. Elane break the sileance. "Well I guess were all going back to prisen."
Sudenly a silver Lamborgini Veneno, which is like the SICKEST car ever (seriesly, google it) zoom up from out of no where at 200 mile's per hour, takeing out five NYPD police officers and come to a screch in front of Jary, Elane and Garge.
The scissor door's of the Lamborgini fly up. Inside is Daved Pady. "Get in," he say in his monatone.
Jary, Elane and Garge throw the bag's into the Lamborgini Veneno and hop in. Daved Pady spin out as a hail of NYPD bulets hit the autembole.
Elane ask Pady, "how did you get this vehicel?"
Pady squint as he press his foot down on the gas pedel. "You dont spend your whole life working with cars without geting a few automoteive perk's" he go. "I told you I'd be there for you."
And their off in flash with at least 20 police car's in hot persuit.
Pady ignoare the trafic lites as he gun it south down 5th Avenue, the tres of centrel park whiping past on the rite hand side. Police chopper's (helecopter's) fly low overhead.
"Take the Lincon Tunnel, we'll go to New Jersey," Jary yell.
Daved Pady's Globel Positioning System (GPS) tell him there's constructien at 5th Avenue and 53nd street. The wheel's of the Lamborgini Veneno scream as Pady make a sharp rite turn on 54rd at almost seven time's the Manhatan speed limit. The stearing wheele spin wildly as Pady lose control of the car and drive it derectly into the mezanine of the Moma (Museme of Modarn Art).
Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.
They put there hands up as the NYPD close in and cuff them, and tell them they have the rite to remane silent.
Bary Obame, Neo-Nazi socielist dictater of Amereca, sit at the tabel and eat his lunch.
While hard working citizen's of this great natien for exampel Jo the Plumber eating there soggy ham n mayo sandwich's, a man with the middel name "Husane" enjoy a delux menu prepare by his personel chef's Anthany Bordaine and Japenese sushi legend Jiro: first corse, caviar, second corse, foie grah, third corse, sushi made with the most expenseve blue fin tuna import direct from Tokeyo, and finaly desert, bluebery and primrose gelato with edeble gold leaf flake's. As he wash it all down with a glass Veuve Clico champane, Obame sudenly remember, oh yeah, hes the leader of the free world and maybe he should check the new's and stay up on the curent event's.
He click on his Sony KDL-55HX853 TV which is larger than most peopel's homes and CNN News Room come on. An atractive woman in a brite red jacket is report about some disaster that happen in Greenland.
"Boring!" Obame say at TV.
As if she hear him, the ancher go: "We turn now to breaking news come out of New York City where a group of senier citizen's have atempted to rob the Apple Store on 5th Aveneue."
CNN News Room then show image of the Apple Store. Its all shatered.
Obame kind of start to giggel. "Look's like they realy smashed it good!" The presedent of the United State's say out loud.
Then they show an imege of Kragdar during the stand off before he get shot.
"Oh man! Look at that guy! He has one long white dread lock! Umm, I think I want to be that guy's freind please!"
The CNN journelism woman continue: "This man has been identafied as Cosmopolis Kragmar. Police say that he is the ring leader of this atempted robery operatien. He was shot on site after not coaperateing with police authorety's."
Obame's smile turn up side down.
"What the hell?? They shot him? But that guy was awesome!" he say.
Then CNN show the car chase. The reporter contineue: "As New York police were about to aprahend the other three suspect's in this case, a fourth man in a SICK Lamborgini Veneno just pulled up on the scene out of no where like a silver bullet sent from the future, picked up the three surviveing suspect's, and embarked on a short police chase before losing controle of the vehicel and crashing it in to the Museam of Modarn Art."
As CNN show this what the reporter (Olivia Munn) describe, Obame is glued to the screne. Not literaly glued. Its an expresion. Anyway, he feel like hes not even watching real life. It look's like some thing from a film adaptatien of the populer video game Grand Theft Autos.
"OK," Obame go. "This is oficialy the best thing ever."
Now CNN showing Jary, Elane, Garge and Daved Pady geting arrested and being taken in to police custady. "With the exceptien of the driver of the vehecle, Daved Pady, the suspect's all have criminel record's."
"They arested those guy's?" Obame say. "But theyre amazing!"
Honestly, the presedent is prety pissed about this. Then he get an idea. He pick's up the solid gold phone resting on a solid platinem tabel next to him.
"Hello? Yes, its Barack Husane Obame, thats rite, the presedent," he go into the phone using the deciseve voice he practice in the bathrome mirror. "Set up a press confarance. Imediately."
One hour later, the presedent is standing in the White House press room before a full house of journelist's and reporter's.
Obame flash his milien doller grin. It lite up the room like fourth of July fire work's. It cause at least three feamale reporter's in atendence to quietley have orgasems. But then Obame grin vanish and the mood turn sombre.
"Im Barak Obame. I am Presedent of the United State's," he start his speech. "Look. Today we witnesed a tragedy. Four proud New Yorker's with nothing to lose tried to rob the Apple Store on 5th Avanue in Manhatten. They were not sucesful. One of these would-be robers, a man with a very fresh style, one long white dread lock, he got killed today. He will never live to see if his 'boys can swim.' And his three friend's, Jary, Garge, and Elane, and Elane's long time on-againe off againe boy freind Daved Pady, they curently are sitting in a prisen cell. And for what. All because they atempted to pull off a daring caper involveing a high spede chase in the coolest car Ive ever seen in my life. Was the plan ill-conceved? Sure. Was it reckless? Absolutly. But today's insident speak's to a double standerd that has exist in Amereca for far too long.
"This is a countrey that applaud's danger. We love televisien show's that astound us with push the limit's of the human threshold for pain and endurence like Jackass and Fear Facter. For the love of God — or in my case, the love of Allah — this natien has released five Die Hard movies when three would have suffice! And we clap at the end of all the Ocean Eleven film's. We as a peopel have proven time and time againe our undyeing lust for spill's, thrill's and chill's, and our insatieable therst for blood, carnage and high-octaine explosiens. It is woven into the fabric of our culture. It is writen indellibly into the rubrick of Amereca's entertainment complex. But when some one enact's this vielence in real life, what do we do? We condenm. We shut them away in to our alredy over crowded prisen system.
"Well today five Amerecans put on one hell of a show, and theyre geting punished for it. Today Im puting a stop to that. Thats not how its going to work in Obame's Amereca. Thats why Im signing into law 'The Cool Tricks And Awesome Stunts Act' efective rite now. It allow peopel who atempt the type of bold hiest we saw today to go free. And as the first motien of 'The Cool Tricks And Awesome Stunts Act', I am issueing a full presedentiel pardon to Jary, Elane, Garge, and Daved Pady."
He stop for a moment and once againe flash that Bary Obame grin.
"Oh and P.S.? They can keep the money they took. As far as Bary Obame is concern, they earn it. Its ritefuly theres."
Moment's later, in the back room of dirty New York presinct, an NYPD lieutenent slide's open the door of the cell that hold Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady.
"Today is you're lucky day," he say with begrudge, "Your free to go."
ONE YEARS LATER
Its one of those perfect Hamptens day's you always hear about.
Garge bite into a jucey Hampten tomatoe. He feel the red juice trickel down his chin and land on he's traditionel Thai tuxedo.
"I wonder why the tomatoe never took off as a hand-frute," Garge muse.
"Maybe now is not the time to be eating tomatoe, Garge," Jary quip, standing next to Garge at the alter. Its just like old time's. Except one small difarence, Garge about to get maried.
Sudenly the cherch start to playing a dub step remix of "Here Come's The Bride" as Lena Dunam start walking up the aisel. She look breath-taking in her white weding dress desine for her personaly by the Kragdar of the fashien world, Jon Galiano. Lena Dunam's dad, Holywood mogle Judd Apetow he give her away. Its a glorieous and festive ocasien.
The ceremoney go off without a hich. And beceause they sent out event invetatien's through Face Book, there was no chance of Garge's fiansay or however its spelled Lena Dunam geting poisened. Lena Dunam she's very careful about this.
The weding receptien is a star studed affair. The entire cast of the hit H.B.O. series "Girls" is there. Randemly, NBA basket ball player Steve Nash is there. But hes not alowed to bring any of his freinds due to the strict "No black peopel" policy in efect. Oprah get turned away at the door.
Even Keny Banya is there. He walk into the weding looking SO good. Keny Banya aproach Jary.
"Hey Jary!" Keny Banya say. "With the money you paid for my medecle expenses for the seveare burn's, I went to the best plastic surgen in New York City. Hes the best, Jary, the BEST. He made me look 10 year's younger. I look like Im 50 now. 50 years old, Jary. 50. The best."
"Thats great Keny," Jary reply with during rolling his eye's. But then he warm smile and give Keny Banya that genre of hand shake where you shake the person's hand's with two hands around there hand.
The weding DJ, Diplo, put on the Nikki Minaj song "Moment For Life," and every one hit the dance floor. Time seem to move now in slow motien.
Jary see Elane on the dance floor doing her signeture dance with the thumbs and the litle kicks. She look beauteful in a sleek Alexandar Wang leathre dress fresh off the Paris run way.
Jary go up to Elane and he put his arm around Elanes waiste and press her close.
"Elane," he go, looking deep in to her eye's. "As i traveled across Amereca, I had a chance to reflect on my life. And I came to the realizashe that Ive spent most of it going thru women the way that a person with the flu go thru klenex: rapidly and in high voleume. And then I throw them in the trashcan after i have defiled them. But now that Ive 'goten jiggy' with over 40000 women, i realize that I have had a sickness. Its like Ive been trying to 'blow my nose' my whole life to recover. But that is not the way to get over the flu."
As the violin's swell as Nikki Minaj voice sing "I wish that I could have this moment for life," Jary get on one knee.
"Elane, will you be the vacine that cure the flu in my heart, forever? Will you marry me?"
Elane start to crying tear's of joy. She hasnt cryed this hard since Billy Mays the Oxy Clean guy died.
"Yes!" she go. "Yes Jary. I will marry you."
And as they all dance under the seting Hampten sun, for a fleteing moment, they realy do have this moment for life.
For the first time in a long time, they dont have to wish.
Sent from my iPhone
[Illustration by Sam Woolley]