SThis is the second part of @Seinfeld2000's original novel, The Apple Store, which we are serializing this week after Smashwords.com removed it from its store in response to a copyright complaint from Warner Brothers.
In part one, Garge, Jary, Elane and Kragdar, finally released from prison after 15 years, struggled to find their place in an unfamiliar world. A cash-strapped Jary joined Carot Top's prop comedy tour. Elane was fired from her job as Books Editor at BuzzFeed.com after being replaced by an algorithm. Kragdar was pursued by black teens after unleashing a racist tirade. Bary Obame, scheming president of the United States, was introduced. And a prison-hardened Garge caught a tantalizing glimpse of TV star Lena Dunam.
Even at its hotest, Tampa can be ice cold. Jary find this out soon enough.
"Is this your card?" Jary ask underwelmed woman wearing full Spongebab Square Pant regalia. Jary hold out ace of clubs and queen of diamends.
"Which card are you talking about? Your holding up two card's," the woman respond back.
"Is it either of these two cards," Jary ask.
Its day 19 of "Carot Top Present: The Originel King's Of Prop Comady Tour." Your probably wondering why Jary is doing magic trick's. Well, thats what its come down to. Shortly after the "Des Moines heckling incedent" Caret Top invited Jary onto his air condishened privete tour bus for a heart to heart. At the time, Caret Top told Jary that honestly, he need's to "step his comedy game up."
"Jare," Carot Top go. "This is The Originel King's Of Prop Comady Tour. There are legend's on this tour. We got Keny Banya, one of the hardest working comediens in the world. Keny Banya is a true showmen. He wear a full gold suit. He even has a catch frase! 'Gold, jary, gold.'"
Jary decide not to point out that he is the 'Jary' in that catch frase.
Carot Top keep talking: "Keny Banya's bit about Oveltine is second only to 'Gangnang Style' for You Tube hits. Over 900 milien unique visiters have watched his 15-minete set about Oveltine."
"I came up with that bit," Jary mentien.
"Please stop lying for one secend in youre life Jare and listen to me," Carot Top continue. He seem perterb. "We've got Carlos Mensia on this tour, the number one non-white comedien ever to hold a micrephone."
"What about Cris Rock?" Jary say.
Carot Top slap Jary hard across the face with the back of his hand. The sound so loud, it cause both of Carot Tops girlfrends, Victoria secret model Candace Swanepoeuel and profesienel golfer Tigerwoods ex wife Elin Norgreden to both stop making out for a moment and look up. When Jary turn back to Carot Top, theres a red hand print on his face, almost as brite as Carot Tops hair. Carot Top let this moment hang for a few secends to let the gravaty of the sitch sink in.
"Look, Carot Top, when you meseged me on My Space to invite me on to your tour, I meseged you back that while I am very much in need of finances, I am not a prop comedien."
Carot Top do a line of cocane and then go: "Yes but then I meseged you back and was like 'are you wiling to become one for the tour' and then you meseged me back like 'ya.' And then you changed your My Space Mood to 'happy' and I thought that was the end of that. But honestly? Youre props dont seem very well thought out. Look at Carlos Mensia. He didnt start off as a prop comic either but now hes one of the best who ever did it. Hes almost as good as me. He has a bit about gay marege, and its a giant weding cake, but instead of a bride and groum on top of the cake? Its a groum and a groum. Then he pop out of the cake and start throwing out cake at the audeiance! And thats how he OPEN his set! That joke is not only relevent to the hot butten issues of the current day, but its thougtfel and its inventive. What do you have. You send a slinky down a flight of stairs."
"Well," Jary say, the hand print starting to fade, "Its a metafore for the—"
"SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy. If you dont step up the funny soon, your off the tour. Now get out of my sighte."
Jary head back to the non-air condieshened bus, which he share with Keny Banya and Carlos Mensia, and open up his Acer Aspire 15.6-inch Laptop 3.1GHz 2nd Generation Intel Core i5-2450M with 8GB RAM, enter the bus wi-fi passwerd "Caret Top Funnyer Than Gorge Carlin" and log on to his My Space page. He change his My Space mood to 'depress.'
Then he crack open a can of new Diet Sprite Zero and start to think about how to improve his set. But its hard to concentrate because Keny and Carlos are watching the NBA game. The Los Angales Clipers are playing the Orlando Magic. "Another slamdunk from Hedo Turkoglue of the Orlando Magic!!!"
Thats when it come to Jary: magic. That will be his prop!
He yell out to the bus driver, "Hey drivey! Open up the Google Maps app in your iPhone 5 and type "magic store" into the search bar and click "search" and then choose the "directiens" setting and then pick the closest magic store and then choose the route optien with the car icon and follow the directiens provided and take us there!"
Cut to now: theyre in Tampa and Jary is perferming a mix of comedy and magic. Even though its starts off rocky with the failed card trick that this chapter started off with, Jary is abel to use his charm to win the crowd over. He make fun of Mayer Michel Bloomber soda ban on cups of sugery drinks over 16 oz. size by useing magic to turn a Doubel Big Gulp into a "Quadrupel Big Gulp" and then in to a "micro Big Gulp" so small you have to use your "maginfying glass iPhone/iPad app beta versien" to see it.
Jary look off stage and see Carot Top. Carot Top give him big thumbs up. Jary feeling great. Jary check his "at" mentiens on Twiter while he pause for a sip of water, and every one in the theater is tweteing him and saying how funy he is. Victoria secret model Candace Swanepoeuel and profesienel golfer Tigerwoods ex wife Elin Norgreden are both laughing so hard too! Jary get his closing bit ready. Its call "Globel warming" and it basicly make fun of the liberal elites who beleve that globel warming is real without the fact's to back it up.
For this bit, he need some help. So Jary invite Keny Banya to come out and help him hold the prop, which is a map of the world. Its going well, until Jary do the climax of the bit, which is liteing the map on fire. Jary strike a match and the whoale audience is captivate. Like the MSNBC slogen, everyone in the audience "lean forwerd" with anticepate.
I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. The map lite on fire faster than Jary expect and flash across the map. He watch as Asia then Europe then North Amereca, and then finally Banyas gold nylon suit go up in flames.
As he run around the stage in a ball of golden flame, Keny Banya scream louder than Adele perform the high note in "Sky fall" theme from James Bond.
He hear a voice in the crowd cry out "Some one use their smart phone, androide or iPhone 5 to send emergency Skype to 9-1-1!!!"
Jary watch frozen in horified fascinatien. Carlos Mensia run out with fire extinguesher and spurt out the fire with a blast of white nitregen. In the distence he hear the siren of an ambulence.
He doesnt even need to see the look on Carot Tops face now to know that its over.
Elane pop the top, toss the stump.
She take a bite of popyseed muffin as she sit on the trane on her way from Buzzfeed office to the one bedrome walk-up apertment in Wiliemsburg Brooklyn she share with her "fiansay" or however the word is spelled, youu know what I mean, the person she is engage to be married with, which is her on-agane-of-againe boyfrend, mecanic and car man Daved Pady.
She step out on to the subway platform and she take a moment to take in the hipster's of Wiliemsburg's perpetuel fashion freakeshow. Like a true New Yorker usualy Elanes in a hustel and bustel to get from work to home, home to work, rinse and repeate: the preverbial "rat race." And so the hipsters in her neiberhood just fade in to the ambianse. Its a total New York thing. But now that she has time to reflect, these Williemsberg hipster's? Now they seem like surrealist aparitiens down loaded from a forebodeing future. For no reasen, Elane feel strange chill run up and down the vertabray of her spinal cord.
Elane arive at her place and walk up the staires. Some thing feel diferent, a dark electrisety hang in the air, like the radiatien waves emited by the Fukashima nuclular plant. What Im trying to do here is create a suspensefel atmesphere. If you havent guess by now, something prety bad is about to hapen. First thing Elane hear when she reach her door is the totaly slammin' dub step thump of a Skrillix pounding thru the door. She would recegnize that infectieus WAB-WAB-WAB WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA WAAAB-WAAAAB WAB WAB WAB sound any where.
"WTF?" Elane go. Sound like theres a party in her apertment but she never got any e-vite or face book event. She enter her key in to the lock and twist and push the door open. Thats when she smell it: a pungant combinaishe of Channel number five parfume and raw hard core sex. Then, over the sound of Skrillix, Elane hear the familier sound of Daved Pady's monotonos moan, and then the high pitch sound of not one but two women. She rush to the bed room that she and Daved have shared for the last six year's after she force Daved Pady to move in w her and what she see hit her in the heart like two comerciel jets hiting the World trade center. Its like her heart have a 9/11 attack and in this case Osame Bin Ladin is Daved Pady.
(At this point in the story I just want to remind you that if your enjoying this book, why dont you twete about how great it is. And if you dont like it yet, please dont twete anything neg about the book, I swear Im going to try harder to make it better. I definetely have a plan for where this is going and Im prety sure that Im providing you with an insight into the human condish while building toward's a reselution that will satesfy and delite you.)
The two women in bed turn to Elane and she recegnize them instently: its Marykate Olsen and Ashlie Olsen, the Olsen Twin's. Their both totaly nude and they're naked bodies are shine with sexuel perspirate. And in the middle of this heart breaking sexuel tablau is the man Elane has devote most of her adult love life to. And worse of all? His face is full painted like the devil.
"Hey Elane," Daved Pady say with squint.
"What the hell are you doing?" Elane screech out.
"Well I dont know the corect term but I beleive its called 'Menaj a tros'," Daved Pady reply.
Elane say, "Why is your face painted?"
"You know, suport the team," and he remove his hand from Marykate Olsen and make sweeping gesture to their 48-inch Panasonec VT50 flat screene TV. Elane crane her head to see the TV and notice that the hockey game is on, New Jersy Devil's are playing the Los Angales King's and its in HD because this is modern 'Siendfeld'. Its always been a fantesy of Daved Pady to watch profesianel NHL hockey game during their sex intercorse but Elane always shut him down.
At this moment Elane snap. She rush up to the bed and grab the Marykate Olsen by her frenchbraid and swing her around. And for the first time in this book Elane say her clasic catch phraze: "get OUT" and she throw Marykate Olsen right thru the window. When she look out the window she see Marykate Olsen hit a discarded matress on the streat. Shes still nude.
Just then out of the corner of Elanes eye she see Ashlie Olsen who is also nude and Ashlie is try to tip toe away. Elane grab her industriel meat slicer and start to chasing Ashlie around her apertment. But because its New york the apertment is so tiny. But Ashlie is nimble and her year's growing up on Full house and learning choregraphed dance for the populer series of Marykate and Ashlie Olsen exersise videos for anerexic tweens has given her the coordinatien of NBA basket ball player LeBran James and the grace of Natelie Portmen in the Academey Award nomanated 2010 movie Black Swan. Long story short (or moar like short story long at this point! hehe) Ashlie Olsen exit super quick thru the front door and she is also nude FYI.
"Its ok," Elane tell her self. "Two nude small young girl's like that, they wont last long in the festering cess pool of pervert's better known as New york city."
She turn her atention to Daved Pady.
"I gave my heart to u," Elane say, her mascara runing down her face. "And like a $199 porcelin tea pot from Anthrepologie (but its better to order online from Anthrepologie.com bc they give you free shiping on all order's over $100 except for order's made in Hawai or Alaske, and oversea's obvieusly), you smashed my heart."
Daved Pady just stare.
Elane go: "I have just one thing to say to you. But I think it might be better in song form." Elane walk over to the Bose SoundDock Porteble Digitel Music Speaker System which is curently still playing Skrillex and she open up the Rdio App on Daved Pady's iPhone 4S and type "Tayler Swift" into the search bar. Then she plug back in the iPhone 4S into the Bose SoundDock Porteble Digitel Music Speaker System.
Sudenly Tayler Swifts hit single "We Are Never Ever Going To Geting Back Together" come on and spontaneous flash mob begin in Elanes bedroom staring the entire cast of Glee except for that ass hole cast member Lea Michele who never RT or even Fav any of my "at" mentiens to her on twiter. Anyway, during the flash mob, Daved Pady put on his pant's and his Ed Hardy teeshirt and his Vondutch mesh trucker hat and he pack all of his posesiens into a bag.
Three minetes later the musicle number concleude and sudenly the cast of Glee is gone and its just Elane and Daved Paddy alone in the apertment they shared so many tender moment's in. But that feel like so long ago now.
FINALY David Pady have something to say. "Elane. Im sory. What I did was not swag. It wasnt swag at all. I know you will never forgive me. But I want you to know that if you ever need any thing at all later on in this narative, you have my smartphone number. I will be there for you." And with that, Daved Pady close the door behind him.
What a day. Just to recap. First she get fired from her job at Buzzfeed. Then she come home and to find her boyfrend cheat on her with to celebrety women less than half her age. For the first time in her life Elane feel like the Gwynith Paltrow movie Slideing Door's, except the versien of Gwynith Paltrow where she go home after geting fired from work and find her boy friend cheat on her with another woman.
Elane sigh and plump down on her IKEA couch. She pull another muffin from her fake Alexandar Wang purse she bought on Canal Strete from an Asien man.
She pop the top, toss the stump, and cry so loud that all the hipster's in Wiliemsberg stop doing Harlam Shake for a moment and feel the pain of a woman who has hit rock bottem.
When your home less, you learn how to survive. You learn how to be resliant. You learn parkour. Kragdar know parkour.
And as he run away from the Africen Americen teenager's, this parkour (which if you dont know and are too lazy to look it up on Wikipedea online encylepedia, its like a fun but prety serious style of urban acrebatics that is popular in Paris. I guess imagen skate bording but without the skate bord. You should You Tube search it because theres actualy some prety awesome stuff but if you try it and break youre neck, its not my fault. Thats on you) come's in handy.
So close youre eyes and picture this: Kragdar, running up the face of the New York Time's building, then run back down. He grab a parking metre and swing around it and hes runing in the oposite directien sudenly. Hes like The Amazing Spidermen in the Spidermen video game for Playstatien 3 except in real life. Meanwhile the teenager's are running after him in hot persuit. And their gaining on him. Becuse come on, use youre brain and think about it. Its 2013. Even though he knows parkour hes still like almost 60 year's old. Hes not exactly a milenial! His hair is pure white now and styled into a single long dread lock.
But Kragdar keep runing away from the black teens, yeling the n-word as he run. The leader of the group, probably Jamal, he blast his AK 47 in the air like a somali pirete who woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Kragdar parkour off of so many New york city landmark. He do a prety swete wall-run up the side of 30 Rockafeler Plaza, he swing off one of the point's on the crown of The Statue Of Liberty, he balance on top of Ground Zero Mosk which wouldnt exist if Obame wasnt presedent, he scale the Crysler Building, then jump on top of the 5th Avenue Apple Store. He pause for a moment on top of 5th Avenue Apple Store, which is a perfect smooth glass cube, and an idea start to form in his mind.
But right now its like, aint nobody got time for that. Kragdar need to keep it moveing. Finaly he wind up in Centrel Park (for non New yorkers: this is a large park in the midle of Manhatan).
"I think I lost those n———," Kragdar say to himself. "Gidyap."
All that parkour took a lot out of Kragdar. Hes doubled over with a huff and a puff. Then sudenly the africen americen teenagers, they all creep up from behind him. In the darknes of Centrel Park at 2 a.m. they are practicly inviseble. Like the Dolby audio in an IMAX theater, they have Kragdar surround. The one whos name is like 90% chance its Jamal is very angry now. He pop off his AK 47 asault rifel in the air.
"You think you can run from us??" he yell like so loud. "You think this is a fucking game?? This isnt Call Of Duty 4 for X Box 360, bich. Not even close."
With his hand's Kragdar try to flash them the Van Beuren boys hand sign gang sign. Not only do they not recegnize it, it make them even more piss off.
"You trying to intimadate us!?"
Kragdar prety sure hes about to die. Honestly its not LOL at all. But Kragdars a man, and he intend to go out like one. He stare probably Jamal rite in the eyes. Then he go: "Do it."
There is a pause.
Kragdar yell again this time double strenth. "What are you waiting for mother fucker! Shoot me!" He point at his fore head. "Gidyap, bitch! Shoot me rite here!!!"
Maybe from respect for a 60 year old who can parkour like a young French boy, or maybe because he dosent want the blood of a man on his hand's, probably Jamal say to his homeys, "come on every one, forget this. Lets just go to McDonelds and order some thing off the doller menu, which was first launched in 2002, four year's after 'Seinfend' show was cancel by NBC, so it count's a modarn reference."
The black teen's start to walk away. Sudenly a blood curdeling scream make them all look up at once. Its Kragdars long time freind Bob Sakamano who live in the trees of Centrel Park. Hes in the air, flying out of a tall oak tree with brandish a machete. Thats the last thing the one who is most likely called Jamal see before Bob Sakamano cut his head off with a woosh. The decapatated head roll down a hill. Everyone else flee.
Before Kragdar can thank Bob Sakamano, hes disappear. LOL typical Bob Sakamano.
Kragdar pick up the AK 47, he look left, look rite, tuck it into the waste band of his drop croch harem pant's, and saunter off in to the nite.
Instead of fixing the econamy, U.S. "Presedent" (recount pls) Bary Obame is back in the Ovel Office. Hes sitting on the sofa in the midle of pretty inappropriete gmail G-chat with actres Scarlet Johansen.
"OK Scarlat, thank you for emailing me so many nude photos. They were very provocetive LOL. And thank you for offer me sex intercorse :)" Obame type, and because its gmail G-chat, the :) make a 90-degree clock wise turn and anamate into a smile emoji. "Good nite."
He close his lap top and smile with sense of entitelment.
"Well," Obame say to himself, "another day of flushing the U.S. tax payer's dollers down the toilette. Those stupid Amerecans, they could have had a man whose looking out for them, Mitt Ramny, in the White house where he belong, but instead they voted for your's truly, a man born in Kenya, as a woman. Now time for me to gaze into my evil crystel ball and fantesize about tipping over the American moter industry like a Carnivel Cruise Ship in rough waters. Exept this time, there wont be any flotatien devices."
Bary Obame stand up and walk over to his desk, but because he treat the highest ofice in the land like a god damn day care centre, he slip on one of his daugters toys, a remote controle 2013 Nissan Altima. He slip and slide comicly all around office before smacking his head on the ground.
When Bary Obame open his eyes a moment later, hes even more insane than before, if thats even posible.
In todays modern times, its not hard to find some one.
With the rite tool's there are way's to triangulate some one's locatien. For Garge, hunting down Lena Dunam is not a chalenge. I know that in the last chapter hes blown away by flat screne TV, but by two day's later Garge has aclimatize to modarn day technolgy and is now "master of his domane name" so to speak.
But then again, Lena Dunam make's it prety easy for Garge to find her. All he has to do is became her friend on Four square, an iPhone app where you tell every one where you are for no reasen. Seriesly, thats all this app does. Oh wait no my bad, it allow you to become "mayor" of a locatien but honestly? Thats not even a thing.
Like lets say you love a certaine restorant and your a weird person. Well, after you go there and get your table for one because you have no friends obvieously, you open up your Four sqare app and you "check in" to, say, the Sbarro in Bowery. If you do this enough, you can become "mayor" of the Sbarro in Bowery. Which give you bragging rights I guess? Exept the irony is you have no one to brag to because you are the type of person who "check in" on Four square. Cut to 50 year's later, you die alone. And right before you die, you "check in" on your death bed to all youre Four square follower's, which is only one person, and its like Tom from My Space, or whoever the Four square equivelent of Tom from My Space is.
But there is an exceptien to every rule. And some times cool and awesome people use Four square. Lena Dunam one of these people. So when Garge "creep" on Lena Dunam Four square, it reveale she go to Poppys restraunt, even though its comon knowlege by now that Poppy doesent like to wash his hand's even after he go in the stall to release a number two and then he go right back into the kitchen and put his hands in the dough for makeing bread and such.
So Garge pretend hes an umbrella salesmen and he stand out side of Poppys, spinning umbrella's that he find's in the cans at coffe shop's all over Manhatan that he spent all morning colecting. Garge use the advice from his life long friend Jary Sendfield, which is to don't spin the umbrella's too fast or it disoriant the customers.
There was a time in Garges life when if he wanted to become in a relatienship with Lena Dunam, he would have snuck behind her with a dish rag dip in cloroform and put it over her mouth, then when she wake up shes in Garge's arms and he say something like "You just fainted spontaneously and I caught you, do you want to make out Y/N." But when your in prisen you have a lot of time to reflect and like Chris Brown realizeing six year's later that abusing Rihana in the face was moraly wrong, Garge reassesse some of his technique in the "women" depertment and hes just like, "who does that?"
Well, that cloroform trick was Garges go-to for year's but Garge decide now that hes going to always do opposite. For exampel, instead of eat banana with peel still on banana, Garge peel's the banana now and only eat the banana meat inside. Instead of wear his LeBran James Nike sneaker that is intended for his left foot on his rite foot and vise versa, Garge wear his LeBran James Nike sneaker's on the feet that its intended to be worn on when the 5 year old Chinese slave's made the sneaker's. And along these line's, instead of romanticaly cloroforming Lena Dunam, Garge do oposite: he stage a "meet cute."
Do you know what a "meet cute" is? Its basicly the thing in romantic comedys when the two charecters who wind up together meet in a "cute" way. So remember in that movie with Ryen Renolds and Sandra Bulock first meet because they both try to drink from the same drinking founten at the same time and they clunk they're head's together? That's a "meet cute." So Garge contrive this and it gos super well.
Garge see Lena Dunam go into Poppys restraunt as he twirl his umbrela. After she go in, he wait about 45 minute's Starbucks coffe shop across the stret and buy a venti blond roast. He ask for it piping hot, so they pop it in the microwave and when they give the coffee cup back to him its literally bubling like the lava that flows from a Honalulu volcano. Like clock work, just as Garge return to his umbrela station, Lena Dunam emerge from Poppys restrant. She have the satisfied look of a woman who just consumed a fine dish of paste primevera. "Show time," Garge whisper to himself.
Lena Dunam come out and Garge kind of step in front of her, but he do in such a way that so it seem like she actualy bump into him. Then he tip the boiling hot coffe all over him self! At this point he dosent even need to be theatricle about it, the coffe is scalding and piping hot!!!
"AHHHH!!!!!" Garge go.
Lena seem concerned. "Oh my stars, Im so sory Garge," she say. Exept she doesnt say his name bc she doesnt know it so I guess she just say moar like "Oh my stars Im so sory. You seem like you got burned prety badly by the coffe! Do you need me to take you to the hospitel," she say.
As he feel the sting of the third degree burn subside, Garge fall even more deeper in love with Lena Dunam. Shes swete and kind and in person, she look ravashing. Smoth skin. Good healthy skin tone. Pinkish hue. Rosy glow.
"No I dont need hospitel," he respond after picking his tongue off the floor (not literaly, its an expresion). "Ive been thru much worse than a litle burn." Garge point at his tear drop tatto as he say this.
Lena Dunam laugh and the laugh is sweet as a macanaw peach. None of those big corse "ha." Now its time for Garge to make his move.
"Im Garge Catandas and I want to take you out on a date with the intentien of having sex intercorse with you," he say. Now she know's his name.
"I enjoy your direct style, and your tear drop tatto indicate your a true bad boy with a troubled past. That attract me for sure," she begin. "However is that your umbrella statien there? Are you an umbrela salesman on the street?"
Garge say, "Well..."
"You were straight forwerd with me so allow me to be straight forwerd with u," the creater, writer and star of the hit H.B.O. televisien series Girls say. "At this time I am only interest in a man of means. To go out with me, you have to have at least $100 000 dollers USD in your bank account. On TV I play a strugling indie woman, but in real life I am a powerful busines woman. And Im not in the busines of dating bums. So Im sory Garge. The answer is no."
This hurt Garge much strongerly than the volcanic Starbuck's blond roast. Imagen a man almost 60 start to crying on the strete so loudly. Lena Dunam she back away like a woman in her 20's backing away from a wailing 60 year old man. When he wipe his tears away with his Louis Vuiton x Yayoy Kusama colaboration hankerchefe, she is disapear.
"So much for oposite," go Garge.
But you think Garge is gonna be giving up? No no, Garge not ready to give up yet.
"TOP COMEDIEN KENY BANYA SET ON FIRE," the head line on the Toshiba 65L9300 TV screne read.
And above it, a shot Keny Banya runing around on stage in a ball of flame play on loop. When it hapened in Tampa, a lot of peoples first instinct was not to help but instead to film the insident on their smart phones and uplode the video to the popular video streaming site You Tube.
Jary is in a dive bar in Raleigh, North Carolina watching the news report on the TV. His thick, dignifyed salt and peper mullit, usualy perfectly coifed with the perfect amount of volume, is now a sgragly mess. He has deep under eye circles. Known for his cool nonshalant demeaner, Jary now prety stress out. Think about it. He was just starting to resurect his careere, now its back in the toilette and circle the drain fast. He just got kicked off the Carot Top tour in Tampa with $53 dollers to his name. And now look at him, hes hitch hiking his way from Florida to New York City, which is why hes in Raleigh, North Carolina, nurseing a glass of the cheapest alcoholec beverege they sell, Four Loko, which combine alcohol and cafiene and taste like someone put an 8-pak of Durecell lithium batterys in to a Cuisinart CBT-700C PowerEdge 700 Blender with a can of Rock Star Energy Drink and pressed "liqify." This is his dinner.
Jary take small sip and wince. It burn his throat all the way down. Usualy when time's are tough like this, Jary can always count on 1 thing to make him feel better: the sexuel companionship of a woman under 30. As the wistful chords of Gotye "Some Body I Use To Know" pump thru the bar's jutebox, Jary squint and scan the smoke filled bar. He spot one woman who seem to have the atributes prize by the superficiel male. Then her boy friend aproach the table and sit down. He spy another woman on the dance floor doing a seducteve dance. Sudenly another woman aproach and they start to making out intense! Lesbiens, Jary think to himself. That wont work bc their only atracted to women of the same sex.
"Maybe I should just call it a nite," Jery say, as he tip the remaining drop's of luke warm Four Loko in to his mouth. He start to walking toward the front door when it open, and who is coming in thru the door — no, it couldent be? — OMG its none other than A-list Holywood actress Amanda Seyfrede (Les Misereble). She look stuning. The neon lites of the bar cast a mischeves sparkel in her eye. He quickly Google her on his smart phone. Wikipedea say shes 27. Perfect.
Jerys animel instinct's purr to life. Its like hes not even in control of what hapen next as he go into pure womanizing auto pilot.
"Hey wats up Im Jary Sendfend," he tell her. "What are you doing in place like this?" Its a line thats sure a litle bit tired but honestly, Jary has a high succes rate using it. Its a clasic. "I mean," he elaberate, "This is a dive bar in Raleigh, North Carolina. Shouldnt you be at a restrant that has a five-star average Yelp score?"
"Obviesly yes," she's like. "But I am a serious actress. So I am here in this unexpected locale researching for a role I am playing. I am going to be playing a poor person. Im going to gain 10 pound's for the role. I'm going to win an Academy awerd probably. Its Amanda Seyfredes time to shine now."
"Awesome," Jary say. "Well if you need any advice, dont be shy. Let me know. Im also an entertainment profesionel."
This has pique Amanda Seyfredes interest. "Realy?" she ask. "What do you do?"
"Im a comedian."
"Oh wow wow," she says. "Well if theres one thing I love, its to gigle and laugh." Then her perfect eye brow raise and that mischeves sparkle return to her eye. "I tell you what she say. If you can make me laugh right now, I will take you back to my hotel, which is The Four Season's hotel, and take off all my cloths, even my under wear, and make love to you."
Jary never encountered a chalenge he didnt like. And so he imediately launch into one of his clasic observationel comedy bit's from the 1990's. One that never fail.
"You ever notice how every one seem to be buying lazer disk players these days? You ever notice how a lazer disk is like a gigantic compact disk? If you spray a frisbie with silver spray paint, it look the exactly same as a lazer disk!" Jary seamlesly segway into his bit about Game Boy ("... Like, who was the brainiac who decide the color of Game Boy should be same color as barf?"). Then Jary masterfuly slide into his joke about the movey Men In Black 2 ("... So Im watching this movey and I start thinking, hey, what if Lara Flyn Boyle was actualy an alien? It doesnt seem so far fetch!").
Jary look around. The Gotye has stopped playing and the bar is completely silence. A crowd of about 50 people (thats an estimete, I mean give or take 50 people) has formed around Jary. Everyone is laughing so hard their crying. An old man laugh so hard he actualy dies but no one notice bc Jarys jokes are so funy. But most importently, Amanda Seyfrede is ROTFLMFAO. She get back on her feet, her face stream with tears. She has never laughed so hard in her entire life, not even when she filmed the movie "Mean Girl's" with Tina Fay. It take's her 5 full minetes to compose her self.
Half hour later, Jary he's lying on 1,000 threat count Egyptien cotton sheets in the presedential suite of the Raleigh Four Season's Hotel. True to her word, Amanda Seyfrede has taken off all of her garment's and is having sexuel intercorse with Jary, no condom.
Jary's nearly 60 but in the best shape of his life. His perfectly chiselled body shine with naturel oils. His muscles are bulge and ripple as he pump away with the steady reliebility of a Korean robot. In 2006 he had his whole body from the neck down lazer hair removal and so hes completely smoth every where, even in the genatle zone FYI.
But a funy thing happen during the sex. Against all logic, Jary notice hes not enjoying himself. Theres absolutely no satisfactien. Jary have an orgasem, sure. But as he lay in bed after wards and write down in the note pad he cary with him to document that this is the 45,212th woman hes slept with in his life, and include the detales of hair color, eye color and aproximate weight of the woman he has just defiled, he feel no pride, just the coldness of the Four Seasen's founten pen in his hand. This is a new emotion. Jary feel's like he need's more than mere sex. He pull the Four Season's monogram duvet up over his head and sigh with bitter disatisfaction.
"Now I know how Drake feel's," Jary say aloud.
"Excuse?" Amanda Seyfrede say, her pupels dilated, a torent of blonde hair surounding her head in a carnal post-coitel halo.
"Nothing," Jary respond as he desend into a botomless slumber.
He wake up the next morning with Amanda Seyfrede stareing at him. This always happen's when he use a woman for sex: they see some kind of future in Jary. So he do what he always does now when he want's to get out of this particuler type of situatien. He deploy his exit stratagy and slide an index finger up his left nostrel as far as he can. All romance deflate from the moment like heliem from a heart shaped mylar baloon.
"Are you seriesly picking your nose?" Amanda say.
"Ya," Jary say cooly, and put his other index finger up in to his other nostrel. "Is there a problem? I do this constently."
Amanda Seyfrede more disgusted than the time she saw Merel Streep (age 63) naked once during the filming of the movie Mama Mia.
"Leave," she say. "Leave my room!"
Jary comply. He just grab his H&M knapsac, put as many Toblarone bar's from the mini fridge as he can, and walk out. Jary dosent even look back.
Eight generous driver's later, each one with there own perticuler brand of bodyoder, Jary has hitch hiked his way back to Manhatan. It take him another hour to walk back to his apartment in the East Vilage, the same one he's been living in for his entiare adult life.
Its like 5 a.m. in the morning.
Wearily, he walk off the elevater, put his key into the key hole of his door, and twist with a click.
[Illustration by Sam Woolley]