The Assassination of Canada by the Coward Rob FordS

Canadians are good people. They are not grotesquely fat like Americans, they are not smoking ghetto drugs like the Americans always do, and they are not running around with a bunch of suburban hoodlums called "The Goonies," which is from an American movie. When the world thinks of Canada, it thinks of artists and poets like Leonard Cohen and Neil Young, and also the Canadian Mounties in their proudly un-ironic uniforms. There is no irony in Canada, because people are good. Rob Ford should be kicked out of Canada, right into that immense freezing lake that has for so long kept the vulgar Americans out of the nice part of North America.

As a descendent of the Acadians—some of my Louisiana ancestors were expelled from Nova Scotia long ago for being too rude and common and American—I can say with full authority that Canada is nice and the United States is a dumb pile of human garbage. Nothing bad happens in Canada. There are nice television shows about dogs who will rescue you, and young "Forest Rangers" who will help the forest. The cities are spotless, everyone is a good liberal, social programs care for the needy, broadcasts are both urbane and folksy, and nature is wholly preserved for the enjoyment of animals, First Nations peoples, and weekend campers who always fully extinguish their campfires and then rake away all evidence of their pop-up camper's tire treads.

When the very few Americans with any morals at all decided they didn't want to go to Vietnam to murder children, where did these men of conscience go? Surely not Mexico! (Well, a few went to Mexico, but their morality was dubious at best.) No, they went up north, where people do the right thing. They went to Canada.

When there is no health care in America because of Obama's broken American computers, where do our sickly people go? Mexico, yes, because you can get whole-head plastic surgery or even new human teeth for about a hundred dollars. But also to Canada, if Canada happened to be the nearest foreign country. Even Sarah Palin—the most vile American ever born, a person with the habits of a tapeworm and none of that creature's grace—spent her years of teenaged Alaskan abandon constantly traveling across the snowfields to the Canadian medics, who were always waiting there in the blizzard with their Mountie hats, like beacons of decency and civilization, medicine at the ready.

Rob Ford is not a Canadian. Rob Ford looks like the kind of red-faced American trash who would knock down an old lady in the WalMart pharmacy line just to get his brother's oxycontin prescription five minutes faster. Rob Ford is so obese that when he sits around his American-style suburban McMansion, he literally sits around his American-style suburban McMansion, smoking crack. Even his name is obviously and obscenely American: "Rob Ford."

Canadians have names such as Joni Mitchell, and Douglas Coupland, and Marie-Josèphe dite Angélique. Where did this "Rob Ford" come from?

Legend says he washed up north after the septic tank exploded beneath Ted Nugent's trailer in the Michigan woods.

Reliable folklore has it that Rob Ford is from Michigan, most likely a wealthy white suburb, and then he was hunting for drugs in the garbage somewhere up north when Ted Nugent shot him with a bow and arrow, for hunting reasons, and then one thing led to another and Rob Ford was at the bottom of a septic tank in the woods. Then he got out, he and his many lookalike brothers, all covered in shit.

Soon they were floating across Lake Huron, hanging onto one another's swollen red limbs, like those giant ants in the Amazon. They washed up on Wasaga Beach, the Ford Boys, and for many years disguised themselves as dumpsters and tire piles. Eventually, using every kind of foul treachery, they took over the political scene in a city that was in every way their opposite: Toronto.

This is not the Canadian Way. If the ancient Toronto slogan "Diversity: Our Strength," is truly the Toronto slogan, why are there a bunch of cretin Americans like the Ford Boys running amuck? Canadians do not hide from the police, they help the police. Most Canadians, in fact, are the police. It is said that all of our northern neighbors are deputized on the Canada Day following puberty, or immediately upon the granting of citizenship or asylum.

There is nothing more embarrassing to the Canadian Spirit than getting attention from the pornographic half-literate United States media, yet that is exactly what Rob Ford has brought to bear on his alleged homeland.

To all Canadians in good standing, I politely ask that you tether Rob Ford to the rest of his vile relations and dump the lot of them back on Michigan, their probable birthplace. You are a welcoming people and a modestly blessed people, but occasionally you have to fight back against the United States and its disgusting culture of hate.

[Image by Jim Cooke, source photo via Shutterstock]