Kanye West—deity, designer, rapper, producer, Chicagoan, husband, father, cousin, child, genius™, egotist, prophet, kilt fan, mean-mugger, and anti-college education advocate—was interviewed by GQ staff writer Zach Baron for a recently-released cover story in the magazine where collectors of quarters through U.S. history can trade old-timey currency. Also tits.
This isn't the first time Kanye has been on the cover of GQ. I know because the last time he was, I hung the cover on my wall with blue tack. It was the only thing on that particular wall until New York Magazine published a spread of Kanye's greatest tweets. Then I hung that up, too. There were now two things on that wall.
Kanye's first GQ cover was for the rag's yearly "Men of the Year" issue and it was published in 2007, a year when Kanye was still looking to others for inspiration, even, by some surprise, the Red Hot Chili Peppers:
"All I did was talk about how I looked up to Justin or to Beyoncé, looking at what they did. But I'm looking at everything everybody does. I'm looking at everything T.I. does, I'm looking at everything Lil Wayne does, I'm looking at everything Jeezy does, I'm looking at everything Jay-Z does, I'm looking at everything the Killers do, I'm looking at everything Red Hot Chili Peppers does, I'm looking at everything U2 does, I'm looking at everything Rolling Stones does, I'm looking at stuff that Justice does, I'm looking at stuff the Arctic Monkeys do, I'm looking at stuff that TV On The Radio does, I'm looking at Dr. Dre, I'm looking at Timbaland, I'm looking at the Pussycat Dolls. So I'm looking at all these different things, and my goal is to take out everybody. My goal is to completely dominate."
Seven years later and Kanye West has stopped looking at the aforementioned stuff. Instead, he's looking at other stuff. Different stuff. Child stuff. Wife stuff.
Newly married and the father of a precious baby, Kanye, like most geniuses, is always one step ahead of the foolish plebes down on earth. And Galactic Quizmaster Magazine was just the place to prove it.
He'd like to spend more time with his family. He'd also still like to build amusement parks.
Baron describes these two thoughts as "a contradiction" but perhaps West just wants to build amusement parks for his family. No issues there.
"I'm still getting acquainted with these jogging pants I threw on."
Have you considered taking them out on a date? Perhaps buying them a single rose?
"We don't want to work with you, because we saw you get mad about running into the sign."
That seems like a pretty shallow reason not to work with someone.
"I'm a porcupine. I'm a blowfish."
!!!! The implication here could confuse some. Is it because porcupines look cute but are actually tough and blowfish are spiky but ultimately nonthreatening? Both good animals, though.
"I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I want to defend people. I want to help people."
If you understand Kanye West on a deep, personal level (like I do since I've had two photos of him hanging on my wall for about six years), you know that this is probably, to the best of West's ability, true.
Baron then reads the infamous, wonderful, and MFA-level Page Six report of Kanye West's wedding to Kanye. "Excuse me, Jesus, can I read you a page from the fucking Bible?"
Kanye is displeased with the misrepresentation of his building skills.
"And anyone knows that you cannot pick up tools yourself, because of—what are those rules about the workers?"
"Yeah, unions. You can't do that. It's illegal. That's false."
Kanye is learning about unions. He changes tack.
"My feelings don't matter anymore."
Given the fact that Gentleman's Queef-Hunter Magazine gave Kanye all this time to potentially talk about his feelings for their cover story, I'd say that's a little more than untrue.
"People know I'm smart. And people know that, whether it's SNL or Jimmy Kimmel, it's a trend to take the piss out of celebrity—just as much of a trend as wearing a gray hoodie or driving a Prius."
Let's leave the trend of the gray hoodie and Prius-driver behind for a second to note that Kanye uses the British idiom "take the piss out of" and now we are married.
"Carine Roitfeld is the Walt Disney of what Tumblr is today. She is the Kanye West of what Tumblr is today."
DOM COBB: We need to go deeper.
Baron then suggests that Kim Kardashian's celebrity has been validated by her connection to Kanye West.
"But when an Instagram photo gets 2.3 million likes—"
Can't argue with that totally sound logic.
Like they said in Step Brothers: Never lose your dinosaur.
I remember my first beer. (This is not the first time Kanye has used a Will Ferrell movie to communicate his point. Step Brothers alone features in an important line on "See Me Now.")
"There's a lot of Kim K skills that were added. In order to win at life, you need some Kim K skills, period.
Kim K Skills™ is the next branded movement.
"Adding ease. Adding wonder. Adding magic."
Ladies and gentlemen, you have now boarded Furthur. Please ingest the closest acid tab. Lay back. Feel the warmth. It's about to be magic in here.
And to conclude: Cool Things With Kanye West. Tattoo these on your body and never, ever forget them.
Because I don't like walking around with people thinking I'm doing uncool shit, because there's nothing I'm doing that's uncool. It's all innovative. You just might not understand it yet. But it's cool. Family is super cool. Going home to one girl every night is super cool. Just going home and getting on the floor and playing with your child is super cool. Not wearing a red leather jacket, and just looking like a dad and shit, is like super cool. Having someone that I can call Mom again. That shit is super cool.
[Images via GQ]