What would Donald Trump be like as president? Probably a lot like what he’s like as a father—creepy, controlling and inappropriate as hell. OMG DAD GET OUT OF MY ROOM, the country will probably scream—to no avail. ‘Cause he likes what he sees and he’s not done looking.
But Trump’s wildly uncomfortable sexual analysis isn’t just limited to his biological offspring; turns out he’s spent years commenting on who he thinks is hot and who he thinks is not. They say it takes one to know one, but clearly they never met Donald Trump.
Donald Trump’s “Hot List”
1. His Daughter
“You know who’s one of the great beauties of the world, according to everybody? And I helped create her. Ivanka. My daughter, Ivanka. She’s 6 feet tall, she’s got the best body. She made a lot money as a model—a tremendous amount.”
“[Ivanka posing for Playboy] would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what’s inside the magazine. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
I happen to agree!
At 69, he can still carry on like the teen who was yanked out of prep school and delivered to Col. Dobias, the take-no-shit instructor at the military academy. After I met Ivanka and praised her to her father, he said, “Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father . . . ”
It’s unclear if he finished the sentence or if the author’s projectile vomiting drowned him out—oh sorry, that was me. I vomited.
2. Kathleen Sebelius
3. Katherine Webb
Trump is very into this lady.
You wouldn’t believe how tall and beautiful @_KatherineWebb is- 6’5” in heels. She is also a total winner in every respect.
A “total winner in every respect,” except if you’re talking about Trump’s 2012 Miss USA pageant, which she lost.
4. Beauty Pageant Contestants
Nobody cares about the talent. There’s only one talent you care about, and that’s the look talent. You don’t give a shit if a girl can play a violin like the greatest violinist in the world. You want to know what does she look like.
5. Miley Cyrus
Well that’s not totally true—he admires Miley Cyrus’s talent, at least when she does her talent in hot pants with a much older man. Sayeth Trump of the performance that left most feeling slightly dirty just for watching:
I loved it.
6. His Good Friend’s Youngest Daughter, Paris Hilton
“I’ve known Paris Hilton from the time she’s 12. Her parents are friends of mine, and, you know, the first time I saw her, she walked into the room and I said, ‘Who the hell is that?’ … Well, at 12, I wasn’t interested. I’ve never been into that. They’re sort of always stuck around that 25 category.”
Surely, you’re thinking, there must be at least one women out there who doesn’t give Donald Trump an instant boner?
7. Princess Diana
There are several, as it turns out, but Princess Di—who said Trump “gave her the creeps”—wasn’t one of them. In 1992, he reportedly pursued Diana, calling her “the ultimate trophy wife.” Could it be said her violent, fatal car crash was the more humane outcome? Indeed, it could be said.
8. Marla Maples
Surprise surprise, Trump, at one time, thought his mistress-cum-second-ex-wife, Marla Maples, was hot. Physically speaking.
He once said to him about Ms. Maples: “God, I wish you could see her body! . . . If you could take one look at it, just one look, you wouldn’t believe it. It’s unbelievable. Better than a ten.”
Not enough to keep her around, though—he divorced her in 2001.
9. An Unnamed Half-Black Supermodel
Victoria Zdrok, a Ukrainian beauty who posed for Playboy and Penthouse magazines, claims she went on four dates with Trump and told journalist Chaunce Hayden, “He [Trump] would always talk about this one girl, a supermodel, and how he would give her the best orgasms of her life.”
“He told me he really likes this girl but he would never go out with her because he found out she was half-black,” said Zdrok, according to a transcript in the August issue of Metropolis Nights magazine, “He needed somebody more mainstream.”
Donald Trump’s “Not” List:
1. Bette Midler
But Trump—who we can be sure knows a sexy lady when he sires one, doesn’t see the skin-level beauty in everyone. Here he is ripping apart the very UNSEXY Bette Midler:
2. Arianna Huffington
“[Arianna Huffington] is unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man- he made a good decision.”
Arianna Huffington is “a dog.”
And that’s not all! You know who else Donald Trump has publicly discussed not wanting to fuck?
3. Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie is sort of amazing because everyone thinks she’s like this great beauty. And I’m not saying she’s an unattractive woman, but she’s not a beauty, by any stretch of the imagination. I really understand beauty.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker
Sarah Jessica Parker voted “unsexiest woman alive” – I agree. She said “it’s beneath me to comment on the potential Obama charitable gift.” What’s really beneath her?
I’ll tell you what’s definitely not beneath her—Donald Trump’s naked body, and thank god for that.
5. Rosie O’Donnell
“If I were running ‘The View,’ I’d fire Rosie [O’Donnell]. I mean, I’d look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say, ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’”
“Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob. She talks like a truck driver, she doesn’t have her facts, she’ll say anything that comes to her mind.”
6. Society Ladies
And those actresses aren’t the only ladies to leave Donald Trump flaccid and cold: here’s the puffball in 1997 discussing a lady of great social pedigree and wealth who is totally real and was totally dying to sleep with him:
I remember attending a magnificent dinner being given by one of the most admired people in the world. I was seated next to a lady of great social pedigree and wealth. Her husband was sitting on the other side of the table, and we were having a very nice but extremely straight conversation. All of a sudden I felt her hand on my knee, then on my leg. She started petting me in all different ways. I looked at her and asked, ‘Is everything alright?’ I didn’t want to make a scene in a ballroom full of five hundred VIPs. The amazing part about her was who she was — one of the biggest of the big. She then asked me to dance, and I accepted. While we were dancing she became very aggressive, and I said, ‘Look, we have a problem. Your husband is sitting at that table, and so is my wife.’
‘Donald,’ she said, ‘I don’t care. I just don’t care. I have to have you, and I have to have you now.’ I told her that I’d call her, but she had to stop the behavior immediately. She made me promise, and I did. When I called I just called to say hello, and that was the end of that. But the level of aggression was unbelievable.
And later, Trump says, he had to fight off yet another sexy socially prominent lady:
One woman, who was socially prominent, was getting married, and I had bumped into her on Fifth Avenue while she was exchanging wedding gifts. I had my limousine nearby, and she asked if I could give her a ride back to her apartment on Park Avenue. I said absolutely, not even suspecting that within five seconds after the door closed she would be jumping on top of me wanting to get screwed. I said, ‘You’re getting married next week, and I’m going to your wedding.’
‘I don’t really care,’ she said. ‘ I never liked him that much anyway, and you know that.’ I was really in a quandary, because she is a truly great-looking and sexy woman.
Okay Also This “Girl” is Super Sexy to Donald Trump
She’s a beautiful girl. Just a beautiful girl. Fucking gorgeous. An incredible body, just an incredible body. The girl is so physically fit. Beautiful face. A beautiful, beautiful girl.
Oh my god.