The Vegan Sellout List Is The Best Worst Thing Ever

There are a few kinds of ethically depraved humans that the animal-rights activists behind the Vegan Sellout List will not tolerate. One type is the "paleo-terrorist," those bloody-fingered 21st-century neanderthals who gorge on innocent murder victims, quite literally, for breakfast. Another strain is the "haughty, nose-turning carnist," those sniveling foie-gras elitists who dismiss veganism as a trendy affect of socio-economic privilege.

But perhaps the most disgraceful is a combination of the two, the soul-blackened person who knows better than to participate in the senseless slaughter of birds and pigs and cows and ducks and baby lambs, but does it anyway: the EX-VEGAN.

That is where the Vegan Sellout List comes in handy. Summoning "the spirits of the billions murdered," the Animal Liberation Frontline site is a user-submitted database that aims to shame former vegans by publicly identifying them online, thereby exposing them as filthy, hypocritical motherfuckers. Or, at least, ruining slightly adjusting their Google imprints.

But what seems to be an unintended consequence is that the AFL has inadvertently generated some truly excellent character sketches, entries that read like magnificent short stories, or fables, or epitaphs.

A few examples (we've abbreviated their last names):

Dave R.
Aberdeen, WA
Crusty punk, violent drunk, big part of the scene but has secret barbecues.

Secret barbecues!

Jessica P.
Seattle, WA
Sad because all her vegan friends snub her

:(

Taylor W.
Newton, MA
Ex-vegan with short kids.

This, it seems, is supposed to be catty. But trying to shame someone for having short kids is like ridiculing a person for having "old parents," or "one husband," or "a small sink."

Tommy Dumont
Irvine, CA
Traded in his vegan ethic for a cheap leather jacket and jheri curls.

Jheri curls!

To clarify: the Vegan Sellout List is not a new conceit. In fact, the idea has been wafting around the internet at least since 2004, when it was called the Veg Break List and initially hosted at the domain, impassionedinsurrection.info.

The Veg Break List was ripped off the Edgebreak List, a master directory of scene kids who'd "broken edge." Founded in 2002, the How's Your Edge outgrowth began as a satirical gag but gradually morphed into a something so nasty and self-righteous that its creator, Brian Murphy, shut it down after four years.

But while Murphy was still managing the Edgebreak archive, a stranger approached him about starting a vegan offshoot, which he openly mocked. In a 2007 post, Murphy, who'd been vegan for a decade, recalled:

Back when I was running the Edgebreak list, some kid contacted me about doing a Vegan Break list. This was probably in 2004. To me, his concept was the lamest idea around. No only was it lame, but I found it to be a little stupid. I don't recall Minor Threat writing lyrics about the "rules" of veganism. In fact, I could have sworn the concept of vegansim is hundreds of years old. Who is this kid to say who is and isn't vegan. Or even list them.

Now in hindsight, the edgebreak list was on that juvenile tip too. Regardless, I ended up telling the kid I thought his idea was not good. He then got real mad at me and said he was going to add me to the Vegan break list. At the time, there were 7-8 names on this list. Mine was never added. Believe me, I looked for it.

Amusingly, the anonymous kid copied-and-pasted the submission form directly from the Edgebreak List. A screenshot:

The Vegan Sellout List Is The Best Worst Thing Ever

It might be difficult to decipher, but the Veg Break List's basic four guidelines were to avoid submitting someone who: "1) Was never vegan; 2) Was only vegetarian; 3) Was vegan less than a month; 4) Is still vegan."

Those rules are almost identical to Vegan Sellout List's 2013 criteria, posted on the site's mission page: "Please do not post names that fall under the following categories: 1) Was never vegan; 2) Pretended to be vegan; 3) Was vegan for 3 days then sold out; 4) SOMEONE WHO IS STILL VEGAN."

So the Vegan Sellout List has more or less been around since 2004, recycled down to its submission-form verbiage. But without this deliberately stolen concept, we wouldn't have this accidental genius:

Jill M.
Los Angeles, CA
Claimed she binged-ate tofu pies!

[Ex-Vegans.com]