The Week That Was: Hamburgers, Heroes, Hobos and HorrorS

People have ideas all the time. Say you've got an idea to ship old restaurant food to people far away. That's worth $3 million, right there. Maybe you've got an idea about liberty and freedom and taking a pile of your death guns to the local Starbucks. That's no longer a good idea. Maybe you're a busy entertainer who likes to "talk back" to gossip blogs, or a hamburger hero who makes the news for spending $140 for a single monstrous "sandwich" of bacteria and bits of cow anus, or maybe you're a simple Christian blessed with the ability to beat the devil out of your 80-year-old girlfriend. These ideas are "neutral," regardless of their particular charms.

The main problem with being a sociopathic creep these days is that your particular form of cruel insanity might "go viral," so today's controlling monster often adds a dose of irony to their demands, like this bride-to-be's "witty" list of orders for her bridesmaids. One of the world's richest boy-men, Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg, wants a lot more lower-priced computer engineers from other countries to work at his online garbage factory. Maybe if he just calls it "politics," people will realize he's the next Thomas Jefferson! Perhaps your intent is full-on cross-burning southern racism, but you feel constrained by the world's ability to condemn your craziness. This is a good time to take off the white hood and become a special kind of literary critic focused on banning a specific book about racism written by a particularly famous black novelist. All the world's jerks are saying #SorryNotSorry.

It's bad out there. You go to the ob-gyn and all the sudden the Republicans have an Uncle Sam-shaped vaginal ultrasound machine shoved up your whatzit. That must be what's going on here. You're a hard-working cop trying to save your community from the libtards and BOOM: no more badge, no more job, just a lot of YouTube videos of you being a jerk. What kind of country allows this? In what kind of amoral hellscape does a mentally handicapped man save his money to buy a hyper-violent videogame about assault and then get assaulted "in real life" by a bunch of actual criminal thugs who steal his new video game about criminal thugs? The answer is "Florida," but the answer is also "America" and "Earth." What are you people doing here?

Take a cat, any cat, and use it to knock over some paperback books. You are now the world's most famous artist, because you put the "hashtag" #MileyCyrus in the description of your cat video. You have become a god. Everyone else is garbage. You deserve $8,000 worth of bras from the mall. Steal them: They belong to you, as does everything. Make your own Internet, call it "Dark Net," for atmosphere, and use it to sell speed pills to children. The doctor does it, so why can't you? Did the doctor gently swing a kitten into a pair of paperback books? Guess what Gawker's most popular post was, in the week we now say good-bye to, forever? It was a phone company commercial. In the past, the phone company would've paid a very large amount of money to a television network to reach five-and-a-half million consumers. But instead, five-and-a-half million consumers like you voluntarily watched a YouTube video of a commercial inside a blog post. You loved the commercial about the phone company. You were pretty impressed by that fast-food commercial, too. You've got good taste when it comes to watching commercials. The hobos you hire to wait in line for your plastic iPhone probably don't even get into street brawls outside the Apple store.