It hasn’t been an easy year to be Jeb Bush. He peaked in July, lost his groove, recovered his groove, realized he’d borrowed his new groove from a child predator, quietly phased it out again, and pet a stuffed moose. Fortunately, social media was there to chronicle every godforsaken gloomy minute.
So just how bad was Jeb’s 2015? We created this handy color-coded chart (ranging from vaguely off-white to deep beige) to let you know how worried you should be about Jeb’s well-being as we journey through his downward spiral.
It’s a dark tale, a cautionary tale. It’s Jeb’s tale—and there’s no end in sight.
June 15. Threat Level: LOW
Polls say: First place with 10.8 percent.
Jeb says: I can’t wait to make Dad proud.
July 16. Threat Level: LOW
Polls say: First place with 15.5 percent.
Jeb says: Hello, youths.
September 13. Threat Level: GUARDED
Polls say: Third place with 8.3 percent.
Jeb says: Reagan reagan. Reagan? Reagan.
September 17. Threat Level: GUARDED
Polls say: Third place with 7.8 percent.
Jeb says: Keepin’ it cozy.
September 22. Threat Level: ELEVATED
Polls say: Fourth place with 7.7 percent.
Jeb says: There’s probably enough chairs.
October 25. Threat Level: ELEVATED
Polls say: Fifth place with 7.2 percent.
Jeb says: I’m Jeb.
October 30. Threat Level: ELEVATED
Polls say: Fifth place with 6.5 percent.
Jeb says: Fuck Marco.
November 6. Threat Level: ELEVATED
Polls say: Fifth place with 5.3 percent.
Jeb says: Friends are forever.
November 9. Threat Level: GUARDED
Polls say: Fifth place with 6.0 percent.
Jeb says: I’m fine!!!!
November 19. Threat Level: HIGH
Polls say: Fifth place with 5.4 percent.
Jeb says: Help.
November 24. Threat Level: GUARDED
Polls say: Fifth place at 5.5 percent.
Jeb says: I, too, enjoy popular culture and leisure.
November 30. Threat Level: HIGH
Polls say: Fifth place at 5.3 percent.
Jeb says: I’m not fine.
December 22. Threat Level: HIGH
Polls say: Fifth place at 4.5 percent.
Jeb says: Mom, I know you’re home.
Jeb also says: Mom?
December 23. Threat Level: SEVERE
Polls say: Fifth place at 4.4 perecent.
Jeb says: I didn’t want to win anyway.
Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.
