When people think of weird crime stories, they think of Florida. And that's fair—the strange Southern state has certainly earned the right to call itself (or be called) the Stupid Criminal Capital of the World. But to say Florida has a monopoly on dumb criminals does a great disservice to other idiot states, like Ohio and Oklahoma, and otherwise respectable countries, like Canada and Sweden. To be sure everyone gets their due, we're proud to present: The Year in Stupid Crime.
Until recently, Sweden was known as a lovely Scandinavian country with comprehensive health care and a healthy distrust of Norwegians. But all that changed in late this summer, when news broke that a bicycle fucker (pictured above) was loose on the streets of Stockholm. And then, not three months later, the Swedes legalized public masturbation! What a weird country.
Speaking of foreign countries, you may remember the crime streak perpetrated by the great Canadian Rob Ford, who singlehandedly ruined his country's hard-earned reputation as a decent, honest place. And in Canada's home country, a young British man shoved a fire extinguisher up his ass, causing quite the scene.
Back home in the good ol' USA, there's Ohio, the home of Edwin Charles Tobergta. "Who?" you may be asking yourself. Well, he's better known as the repeat raft fucker of Hamilton, Ohio. (When not fucking flotation devices, he's also fucks pumpkins.)
In the Southwest, there was the mysterious pooping jogger of New Mexico, who shat on the same house at least four times. A little to the east, in Oklahoma there was the man who caught a burglar in his home, hogtied him, called 911, and then left for work, with the man still tied in his yard for police to take care of when they arrived. Elsewhere in Oklahoma, a routine Bigfoot hunt ended with three arrests and one person shot.
Of course, most of the year's crime took place in that most American section of America: the South. In North Carolina, a trio of lost ghost hunters turned out to be a trio of lost meth makers. Just a few counties over, a solder and his wife were arrested for making dog porn.
In Alabama, a friendly ghost broke into a liquor store, but didn't actually steal anything because, as we pointed out at the time, ghosts cannot really carry things. And in Georgia, a woman caught by police having sex in a Waffle House parking lot attempted to wear a hamburger like a sandal.
Which brings us to Florida. Here, we present:
the 15 best Florida Man (and Woman) stories from 2013
- Drunk Miami Man Drowns Searching Sewer for Keys, Survives
- Florida Man Dials 911 Dozens of Times to Order Kool-Aid and Weed
- Drunk Florida Woman Calls 911 Out of Loneliness, Gets Arrested
- Florida Man Steals Truck Carrying $75,000 of Campbell's Soup
- Dog Shoots Owner in the Leg; Police Rule Shooting 'Accidental'
- Florida Woman Who Caught Husband Cheating Takes Dump on the Floor, Asks Cops 'What Was I Supposed to Do?'
- Florida Man Arrested for Performing Exorcism on 80-Year-Old Girlfriend
- Naked and Hallucinating Dog Walker Tasered 3 Times, Arrested
- Florida Man Robs Gas Station While Applying for Job There
- Florida Man Stripped Naked, Robbed While on First Date With Tree
- Two Fun Gals Arrested Fulfilling Bucket List; One Was Eating Jerky
- Florida Man Reveals Murder Plan After Butt-Dialing 911
- Florida Man Escapes Police Only to be Mauled by Alligator
- Girlfriend 'Playfully' Shoots, Kills Boyfriend
- Florida Man Goads Kid Into Fight, Joins In When Son Starts Losing