You sick fucks.
Yesterday, inspired by a 7-Eleven employee whose only apparent recourse from the dullness of his job was to whip out his dick and rub it, we asked you to tell us the grossest thing you've ever done at work. You guys are gross. Not all, actually. What delighted us most about the comments left on yesterday's post was the broad interpretation of "gross." Let's run through the best of the best.
I once took a topless pic for my boyfriend next to the paper shredder.
I may have accidentally put a dirty water glass in the office dishwasher when it was full of clean dishes!
Gave a dickhead customer a bagel FILLED with gluten when he demanded something gluten-free. muahahahaha.
I dropped acid in the staff room coffee pot that was about to be used by all the people I couldn't stand
This man (or at least, I assume this commenter is a man, given the depravity of the content), might be a sociopath in the making.
One time I went to In-N-Out for lunch and our super-cute receptionist asked me to bring her back a vanilla shake. Oh, the things I thought about doing to that shake on the way back to the office, but alas, I didn't have the balls (so to speak) to do anything to it.
I'm kinda proud of myself.
Speaking of dwaynewasjustlearningtolove, this commenter encapsulates a majority of the comments left on my post from yesterday, which is to say, you guys really love rubbing objects over and/or into your assholes. Good for you:
Once years and years ago I put my coworkers handset down the back of my pants and all up in my crack.
Take that Joyce.
The Actually Gross
Photographing period blood left on toilet seats in the women's bathroom... and then sending said photos to the entire staff asking them to clean up after themselves.
I had to poop into three small containers, every day, for three days, when the doctor thought I had an intestinal parasite. There was no way I was taking three days off just for that so I did it at work.
Donated cum to a coworkers who was trying to conceive and wanted cum from someone who went to a good school. She insisted I do it at work so she knew it was from me.
I'm a nurse, so everything is the grossest. Although I've dealt with stuff like blood and maggots many times, those things don't really bother me. I'd say one of my personal grossest was when a patient shit in my gloved hand because I couldn't get the bedpan under him in time and I had just changed his sheets and didn't want to have to do it again. Plus I think I may have needed a stool sample. At least it wasn't diarrhea, but still a stranger's warm turd in your hand is pretty unpleasant.
(Nurses are America's unsung heroes. Thank a nurse today.)
The Ones About Sex
I work in the office above a restaurant, and I regularly have sex in my office and all of the bathrooms.
Once, thanks to thoroughly hating a boss that is now in jail on a felony, I pissed all over his desk when drunk.
I should not have keys to my office.
i'm a female and i've jerked off at work.
actually, i was a teacher in a classroom. i told the kids i had to go #2 really badly and excused myself for 5 minutes.
came back, fresh as a daisy.
I hooked up with a co-worker when I was a park ranger for a summer. The gross part was when I was called away quickly to help a camper, and didn't realize the wet spot on the front of my shirt until after I had assisted the camper.
You mean besides working Mother's Day brunch with two loads worth of dried semen in my hair?
My first job right out of college was with a family owned and ran business. One morning I had to clean my deck with clorox after my boss' 68-year-old dad had sex with a 60+ year old prostitute on it. The dad took Polaroid pictures and had video from the office security cameras to prove it to me.
Got so angry at the secretary from my job once, while she was at lunch I went into her personal bathroom and beat it into her hand soap.
I worked at a side-of-the-road produce stand called Family Farms when I was in high school and for a little while after I graduated. It was literally a wooden shack in the middle of nowhere. I spent all day in there by myself only occasionally dealing with a real life human being. The boss gave me a key so I could open and close by myself. The guy who worked the weekday shift (I worked weekends) would occasionally leave magazines or other reading material behind. He once left an issue of Maxim and the cover model, whose name escapes me, was absolutely the most beautiful woman my 17-year-old hormones had ever raged for. Inside, there was a salacious spread a few bits of cloth shy of something that belonged in Playboy. I resisted all day, remembering my father's words about professionalism and pride in your work and blah-blah-blah, but with an hour to go, it occurred to me that the privacy of this shack was beyond anything I could experience at home (at least one lousy parent was always there). I couldn't wait until after closing (6:00) because my boss always came by to pick up the day's take sometime after that, and I wasn't sure when. So I just went for it. It was glorious. I finished into a plastic cup and tossed it into the garbage. Months later, on the verge of losing my virginity with my then-girlfriend but with no place to do the deed, I took her to the Family Farms shack. I had a key, after all, and the place already held one erotic memory for me. What could be more romantic? We didn't have sex and broke up a few days later.
Designed a "feature" for the product managers that just added $1 to everyone's subscription bill. We called it a service charge, but in reality we just needed to show a bump in revenue for the quarter. I felt really gross after this.
I was a White House intern in the summer of 1995 (yes, with Monica Lewinsky). I worked in the Old Executive Office Building (now called the Eisenhower Executive Office Building), which is part of the White House campus. One day, I rubbed one out in a first floor bathroom, just so I could say I beat off in the White House.
I've worked for several campaigns. On Howard Dean's campaign in Iowa, I had sex a few times in the office with volunteers and other staff. On Obama's campaign I did the same thing.
Actually, this is worse: while working for a PAC I had spur-of-the-moment sex with a guy in the office during a campaign. We also just ate Chipotle.
His dick was absolutely covered in my shit and I ended up getting it on the office chair as well. He ran to the bathroom and I had to clean it off the chair. Oops.
The Best Comment
I worked at a gas station the summer after high school. One night, as I was getting ready to close the store I struck up a conversation with a lady customer. She ended up giving me a blowjob in the back office, and just as she was finishing my mom showed up to pick me up, which I'd forgotten was how I was getting home after my shift. I locked the store, and told the lady I would be back in a few minutes to let her out, I didn't want my mom to see her. Long story short, wasn't able to get back to the store that night, and the lady was too embarrassed to call for help. She was still there when my manager opened the store the next morning, she told him I let her use the employe restroom and must have forgotten she was there. There was no merchandise or cash missing, so didn't get in trouble for it, but my manager never quite bought the story either. I played stupid and never let on, was hired back the following summer with no questions asked!
[Image via Shutterstock]