Alexis Arquette, probably one of the top two Arquette sisters, casually mentioned earlier this month that she "had sex with Jared Leto back when I was presenting as a male," and went on to give a tantalizingly cryptic description of Leto's huge dick.
"And, yes, it's not only massive; it's like a Praetorian Guard's helmet," she told Jackie Beat at the Frontiers blog.
The guard, possibly best known in popular culture from their appearance in Gladiator, served Roman emperors and are often depicted wearing heavy Roman-style helmets with red horsehair festoons.
So, what does this say about Jared Leto's dong? Does the round top of the helmet mean he's circumcised? Does the presence of the festoon mean his pubes are neatly shaved? Do the helmet's sideburn-like metal faceguards imply a sort of '70s porn aesthetic? Arquette didn't say.
"It's a like a Praetorian Guard's helmet" is one of those penis descriptions that sounds knowing and utterly specific, but it leaves so many questions unanswered. None of those questions, though, is whether Jared Leto has a big-ass dick. (Probably yes.)