Football playing 5-year-old Kaden hails from Raven, Virginia, and totally owned the stage of the If I Was a Rich Girl Pageant Riches Mini National (what subjunctive mood?) pageant on last night's Toddlers & Tiaras. This kid knows swag before he even can comprehend what swag is. Also, please note the gratuitous currency theme of the pageant. One of the categories was "money wear," which prompted Kaden's mom to dress him in a suit jacket lined with "money, real, cash." This kid is already learning all of the lessons he'll need for a highly successful life.

Please pay attention to the male pageant judge with the Liza haircut who shades Kaden for his buzz cut. The Showgirls maxim holds: There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you and/or pointing charmingly at you onstage. Gotta always be on the defense.

Also notable on last night's T&T: This particularly creepy scene (even for this show) featuring a mother saying that she and her daughter "enjoy making babies." Toddlers & Tiaras: forever terrifying, forever amazing.