How else would one explain its eerie ability to accurately predict future events?
Case in point: Miley Cyrus.
A 2008 Onion News Network special report perfectly prophesied that the then-"overused" Disney star would be "drained dry of entertainment value by 2013."
"If we don't act now, the down-to-earth Miley who likes text messaging with her friends and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the Earth forever," warns Miley researcher Dr. Justin Canty of the Institute for Sustainable Cyrus Use.
By Canty's chart-backed projections, Cyrus is on the cusp of a public meltdown after her VMA spectacle ensured a critical mass of "is she too wild?" exclamations.
If we do nothing to prevent Miley's impending depletion, Canty warns that society as we know it will fail to function, governments will collapse, and humanity "will be reduced to roving tribes of barbarians, constantly searching, and fighting, and scouring the landscape for the last remaining Hannah Montana fashion doll or the Best of Both Worlds CD."
But at least we'll always have The Onion.
[H/T: Entertainment Weekly]