Toilet Paper Brands Like Cottonelle Are Cheating Your Ass

"Slow your roll," American booty-wipers: have you been feeling a bit light in the tush, lately? You sure have. Because Big Toilet Paper is engaged in a systematic program of giving you less for your money.

The shocking pee-tails are all in this WSJ story about the widespread practice of "Desheeting," which means "giving you less toilet paper for the same amount of money and not telling you until you find out the hard way by running out of toilet paper, probably in the middle of a first date." It's quite simple, really: toilet paper rolls shrink; this shrinkage is explained away by telling consumers that the product is "bulkier," or somehow better, as if that mattered when it comes to booty-wiping; and the price stays the same. Result: increased profits for Big Toilet Paper. The winner: them. The loser: you, the consumer, and the booties of consumers like you around the world, who want nothing more than an honest roll of toilet paper for their money.

The number of sheets in various Cottonelle rolls recently went down by 5.7% to 9.6%, and each "double roll" now has between 166 and 216 sheets, down from 176 to 230 sheets previously. Tissue sheet count reductions for Cottonelle bathroom tissue and Kleenex facial tissue were a factor in helping net selling prices rise 2% at Kimberly-Clark's North American consumer tissue division in the second quarter, the Dallas-based company said.

Every cent of that extra revenue in Kimberly-Clark's bottom line is coming directly out of your bottom. There is a name for that, my friends: Bull. Shit. Emphasis on the "shit," because we're talking about toilet paper and that word is related, though we won't spell it out for you because it's still early in the morning. But rest assured that when you think of excrement, you are thinking of an accurate metaphor for this practice of selling you less toilet paper for the same price.

We shouldn't have expected any better from Cottonelle, a bottom-feeding brand that would stoop low enough to sponsor a crappy post about poop on a shitty website.

[WSJ. Photo: theimpulsivebuy/ Flickr]