Thanksgiving was horrible.

Surprisingly, Kato Kaeilin was found to be running around with the wrong sort of people. Facebook is up to something. Chelsea Clinton is going to marry a dude. Rush Limbaugh is going to marry a lady. New York gays will not be marrying anyone any time soon.

Some scientists sent some bitchy emails and now there is no more global warming.

We decided to stop watching certain TV shows, which gives us more time to play gay elf video games. (And watch gay elf Chistmas specials.)

Everyone is suing the New York Post for having a workplace environment that more or less reflect the content of the New York Post. Someone named Hugh "Skip" McGee thinks he is superior to anyone.

Bravo's constant search for the worst people in America (sorry, MTV!) is benefiting NBC news. (And hurting America.) We are applying the Wall Street Journal's rules of online terrorism in our battle against our various enemies.

It was also Thanksgiving for the popular fictional young people of television's The Gossiping Girls!

Barack Obama gave a pretty important speech. A French person said something Frenchy about sex and pornography and capitalism. We used the phrase "used vibrator victim." Because someone put a vibrator in someone else's bed. Someday the New York Times will have fewer blogs! Glee keeps making people who watch Glee cry.

War is a goddamned tragedy.

Top Chef got rid of the lady who seems quite talented but did not handle pressure well. We met and analyzed the cast of Jersey Shore.

Yelp's party was fine if you're some kid from the midwest but I am from California so I know what authentic sexy Holiday parties are supposed to be like and this one was overpriced and bland PLUS THE SERVER WAS A TOTAL BITCH TO ME WHEN I ASKED HER TO SPLIT THE CHECK THREE WAYS BUT NOT PUT ANY DRINKS ON THE THIRD ONE BECAUSE MY FRIEND SHOWED UP LATE.

Gawker is publishing White House pool reports and the Wall Street Journal is publishing James Franco. (We think celebrity op-eds are stupid though David Byrne had a good one a while back actually.) Ashley Dupre is still doing her thing, which is "talking about her previous thing."

30 Rock was pretty good. Sarah Palin is a birther now.

Tiger Woods had a bad Thanksgiving. We are attempting to manage one of his ladies and introducing you to the rest. Also we advise him to do the thing he is good at.

It's like ABC is GLAAD's boyfriend and they asked, "Do I look fat in these jeans?" and GLAAD said, "No, but I like these other jeans better." And their boyfriend said, "Oh, so you think I'm fat." And then GLAAD said, "We did not say you're fat. We just like these jeans." And then boyfriend responded, "It's us or the jeans!" GLAAD answered, "Can't we just have you both?" The short answer, is no, but here is how it went down.

The first release, which was carried on TMZ at 8:30 yesterday (and which you read about here), said that ABC didn't cancel Adam Lambert's performances on Jimmy Kimmel and New Year's Rockin' Eve because he's gay but because he can't stick to a script and they didn't want to be "caught off-guard." The corporate-loving non-profit thought that was OK.

When everyone was up in arms, they sent an update at 9:30 this morning, saying that they aren't condoning ABC's behavior, but asking for it to clarify its position on the terms "caught off guard."

GLAAD's discussions with ABC focused on confirming that his sexual orientation was not a factor in their decisions. ABC confirmed this is not about a same-sex kiss or his sexual orientation but about being "caught off guard." GLAAD asked ABC and calls on them for clarification on "caught off guard" so that the community knows why Lambert is being denied the opportunity to perform on the network.

So, they'll support ABC if the "caught off-guard" part is not gay-related, but they'll hate them if it was? And isn't it up for them to decide, not to just pass along ABC's party line?

They had some 'splainin' to do, and it came in the form of another update, this time from Jarrett Barrios, President of the group.

We appreciate ABC's commitment to gay and transgender inclusion in other programming. However, let us be clear that GLAAD remains steadfast in our assertion that Adam Lambert is being subjected to a double standard by ABC as an openly gay performer. We do not support ABC canceling Adam Lambert's past and future performances. We urge the community to reach out to ABC and express their concerns that Adam Lambert is being subjected to a double standard.

Looks like the cleared up that "caught off-guard" part, and it means that they were mad because Adam was making out with a guard, and he was male. Now they are upset, and you should be too! They even provided email addresses and phone numbers so the outraged gays could call and email ABC about how upset they are. Why not provide Barrios' email and phone number so we can call him and express how disappointed we are in GLAAD for bungling this. At this point, Jeffrey Dahmer is as good for gay visibility as GLAAD is.

Here is the press release they should have sent out: "Dear ABC, Thanks for Ugly Betty and Modern Family, but for canceling Adam Lambert, you totally suck. If you don't fix this, all the gays are going to hate you and GLAAD is going to stop taking your money and giving you our pointless awards. Also, there might be protests, and you know that no one makes a sign or comes up with a clever chant like the gays. Don't mess with us. Give Adam his job back. Love, GLAAD."

Instead they tried to please both their gay constituents and their corporate masters. Guess what, guys, you're never going to do both, so it's time to pick a side and stick to it. It will save you a lot of updates in the future.

• Avoid any guy who lists "blogger" on his resume. The reasons to do this are too numerous to list.
• Avoid any guy who starts a sentence with "If you Google me…"
• Avoid any guy who quotes Judd Apatow and/or refers to his friends as "my buddies."
• Avoid any guy who watches Gossip Girl.
• Avoid any guy who crashes the office Christmas party. He's there to bang secretaries. Unless he's unemployed, in which case he's there to shmooze, pound free booze, and then bang secretaries.
• Avoid any guy who is a lawyer. He's either about to lose his job or desperately wants to, so he can have an excuse to start that baseball card trading business he's always dreamed of. In the meantime, he will expect you to support him while he "gets back on his feet."
• Avoid any guy who keeps old Victoria's Secret catalogues in his bathroom. Find some respectable Internet porn, for chrissakes.
• Avoid any guy who saw The Road and liked it. He'll never commit.
• Avoid any guy who lives on the L train.
• Avoid any guy with more than 500 followers on Twitter. His virtual ego will be inflated to levels his physical existence can't match.
• Avoid any guy who claims not to own a TV. Everyone owns a fucking TV. You may be too broke to pay for cable, but you own a TV.
• Avoid any guy who drinks gin martinis and sneers at vodka. He'll be shitty in bed.
• Avoid any guy who reads Gawker.
• Avoid any guy who says the same thing over and over, but thinks that if he puts the emphasis on a different word it means he's right ("It is Ridley Scott's BEST movie. No, it IS Ridley Scott's best movie.")
• Avoid any guy who tries to be cool by saying Megan Fox "isn't that hot." Please. Vaginas don't cause blindness.
• Avoid snowboarders. Which won't be hard, since they won't be around much this month.
• Avoid any guy who tweets about his bodily emissions. Particularly while they're happening.
• Avoid any guy who has had naked photos of himself posted on Deadspin.
• Avoid any guy who is the "mayor" of any location on FourSquare.
• Avoid any guy you meet in the basement of Lit. Or any basement, for that matter.
• Avoid any guy who puts "gasm" at the end of words. "Dude, that was a total party-gasm" or "man what a throw-gasm by Brady" all apply. (This rule also works for "tard.")
• Avoid any guy with a bad haircut. Because he looks funny.
• Avoid any guy who shows any signs of having read The Game. "My friends all thought you were hot, but I wasn't so sure" is a clear sign. He'll be rubbish in bed.
• Avoid any guy who has more than 10 female numbers programmed into his phone. He plans to inseminate all of them, if he hasn't already.
• Avoid any guy who tells you his ex-girlfriend was crazy. He made her that way.
• Avoid any guy who refers to the Dallas Cowboys as "America's Team." Because he is a douche.
• Avoid any guy who shaves more than 20% of his body surface area.
• Avoid any guy who is "microfamous." His name is John Carney and he's married.
• Avoid any guy who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. He has herpes and carpal tunnel.
• Avoid any guy who claims to have written, be writing, or aspire to write a novel. Seriously. Fucking run.
• Avoid any guy who has business cards that say "Internet Entrepreneur."
• Avoid any guy who is into Premier League soccer. He'll show up at your apartment on a Sunday morning and vomit on your floor.
• Avoid any guy who checks his power ranking on Mediaite more than once a week.
• Avoid any guy who brags about spending his unemployment check on vintage Styx records.
• Avoid any guy who tells you he "really hates condoms." I really hate periods. God is cruel.
• Avoid any guy who wears ironic glasses. He thinks he's the geeky-but-sweet hero in an '80s movie, and that it'll get him laid.
• Avoid any guy who works at Google. Wait, what am I saying – date any and all guys who work at Google. Have you HAD their chili-smoked ribs?
• Avoid any guy who comments on blogs under the username "John Galt."
• Avoid any guy who uses Tom & Jerrys as an office space.
• Avoid any guys who write lists like this and post them on the Internet. They're under the delusion that they have a chance with any of the women listed.

This was originally published on John's Tumblr

It's that time of year (again) when even the most independent of lads can get a little desperate for more companionship than one can find in the bottom of a bottle of Jameson's Irish Whiskey. If I thought it would make any difference, I'd tell you that you should avoid becoming involved with the lasses during this season. It's just too dangerous, and will almost certainly lead to disaster. But it wouldn't make a difference. These winter nights are too long and too cold to avoid the urge to spend them with someone shorter and warmer.

So, instead, I offer you this guide to holiday romance.

1. Avoid any girl who has lots of overly-enthusiastic followers on tumblr. She's an attention whore.

2. Avoid dating a girl just because she is your favorite bartender. Where are you going to drink when you want to forget her?

3. Avoid girl who tells you she she is on a cleanse. She hates herself.

4. Avoid Kirsten Dunst. She's a walking time-bomb.

5. Avoid any girl who frequently blog about her sex life. You know how that one goes.

6. Avoid any girl who works for a Hearst magazine. She's about to lose her job and you'll have to pay for everything.

7. Avoid any girl who really likes girls who blog about their sex lives. She's just too lazy to ruin your name right now. She'll find a way later.

8. Avoid any girl who ever mentions The Box or Beatrice Inn. She has herpes and just wants your for your cocaine.

9. Avoid any beautiful girl who wears ugly glasses. She thinks she's in a romantic comedy for teens.

10. Avoid any girl who follows you on twitter. She's already stalking you.

11. Avoid any girl who smells too nice all the time. There's something strange happening.

12. Avoid any girl who smokes heavier cigarettes than you. You're already her bitch.

13. Avoid any girl who is a DJ. She'll make you listen to her terrible music.

14. Avoid any girl who didn't like "Once." She's dead inside.

15. Avoid girls whose clothes are all retro, period costumes. Just trust me on this.

16. Avoid ballerinas. She's too flexible and you'll just wind up hurting yourself.

17. Avoid any girl with more tattoos than you. She'll never respect you.

18. Avoid any girl who is still angry because her last boyfriend cheated on her. You'll cheat on her too.

19. Avoid any girl who lives within two blocks of you. It's too soon for that kind of proximity.

20. Avoid any girl you meet in the basement of Lit. That's also Kirstin Dunst.

21. Avoid any girl with tattoos in Chinese. Unless, of course, she's from China.

22. Avoid any girl who drives in NYC. She's already proven she's a nutcase.

23. Avoid any girl you meet in the bar where you and your friends are watching a game. She thinks she's figured out guys. She hasn't. She'll fuck everything up all the while thinking she's very clever about men.

24. Avoid any girl who wears jewelry given to her by her ex-boyfriend on your first date. She is still in love with him, and only him, and will still be wondering why no-one else ever gives her anything nice when she's living with six cats and getting her meals on wheels.

25. Avoid any girl who tells you she hates her ex-boyfriend. She hates herself.

26. Avoid any girl with a bad haircut. She spends enormous amounts of time and money on her hair and if it is still fucked, she's incurable.

27. Avoid any girl with poor hygiene or too much hair where too much hair doesn't belong on women. If you ever attempt to help her out on this score, she'll hate you for it. And then she'll take all your advice and look great for the next guy she sleeps with.

28. Avoid any girl who is "microfamous." Her name is Julia Allison and you'll end up on Gawker.

29. Avoid any girl who has done speed dating, match.com or j-date. She's got commitment issues, and since you're an emotionally unavailable alcoholic, neither of you will ever call each other.

30. Avoid any girl on anti-psychotics. She'll go off her meds one day and plant a corkscrew in your ribcage.

31. Avoid any girl who has dated a website founder. That's also Julia Allison and you'll end up on Gawker.

32. Avoid any girl who has rules or tests for men she dates. She should be on anti-psychotics.

33. Avoid any girl who doesn't drink. Do I need to say anything else here?

34. Avoid any girl who is really, really into tanning. You'll end up on Hot Girls and Douchebags.

35. Avoid any girl who won't make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.

36. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.

37. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.

38. Avoid any girl who talks about her father on her first date. She'll demand you spend the night at her place but will only want to cuddle.

39. Avoid any girl who won't kiss you if your breath smells like whiskey. She has oral-purity issues that are undesirable.

40. Avoid any girl who wants to monopolize your time on New Year's Eve. The night is too wrought with emotions and memories. Spend time with as many different people as possible or else stay home and alternate heroin and absinthe until you pass out at twenty till midnight. Also, she's probably on ritalin and won't share it.

41. Avoid any girl who won't wear a skirt in winter. The winter is too long as it is without having to do without legs. You'll end up in the stairwell of a Christmas party making out with a girl in skirt.

42. Avoid any girl who cries when she's drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.

43. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.

44. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She's secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.

45. Avoid any girl you've dated before. Pace Friedrich, if the first time is tragedy, the second time will just be worse.

46. Avoid any girl in a headband. She's a slave to fashion and will try to make you use expensive hair-products.

47. Avoid any girl you meet at Cocaine Anonymous. She won't do drugs with you.

48. Avoid any girl who you never found attractive before but suddenly looks hot. You're drunk.

49. Avoid any girl who tells you she wasn't interested in you when you first met but has now developed feelings for you. She's just been dumped and is desperate.

50. Avoid any girl who buys you shoes for Christmas. You will return them for ones you like and she'll hate you forever.

52. Avoid any girl you meet at an office party. She is your boss's wife and wants to hurt him.

53. Avoid any girl who knows the names of all the bartenders in more than four bars. She's out of your league.

54. Avoid any girl you meet near the Conde Nast building. She's writing a book and you are going to be in it if you don't watch out.

Bonus Round: Avoid any girl who tells you that you are emotionally unavailable. She's got your number.

[Apologies to the obvious candidates. You know who you are.]

Today, Daniel Cappello, executive director of the Jersey Shore Convention and Visitors Bureau, sent out a statement decrying the show for painting the state's entire coast as a guido-laden hell hole that will swallow up any regular visitors in a black hole of tanning beds, hair gel, rhinestone encrusted hats, and puke breath.

We're flattered that MTV thinks we're an interesting enough destination to warrant an entire reality series. But the national TV audience is hardly getting the full story. MTV is providing a one-dimensional, dramatized version of a very small group of visitors' summer experiences in one Jersey Shore town.

Even though barely anyone watched the show, this is the totally wrong press release to write. Instead what they should have said was, "Hey, America. Coney Island has freak shows, but only the Jersey shore has Jersey Shore. Come see the guidos in real life. These people really exists and the only place you can see them is here." They should turn that house on the boardwalk into a shrine and open up a guido-themed restaurant that is like Planet Hollywood, but it only serves up protein shakes, sausage and peppers, protein bars, Ron Ron juice, and Jaeger bombs.

That is how how you are going to get everyone there. If someone doesn't buy me a Shore Store T-shirt for Christmas (hint, hint), I'm driving down there to get one myself and maybe go for a night of fist pumping at hot club Karma. Get everyone to the Jersey shore and hope that they'll discover all the other great things about the Jersey store. Don't try to misdirect us in a press release enumerating all of them. We don't believe that shit, but we believe in the power of MTV's reality. If you don't embrace that, then you are going to be washed out with the tide.

UPDATE: In a brief statement, a Chicago Police Department official confirmed that eight computers and a safe were stolen from Blagojevich's lawyer's office. "The content of the computers we have no knowledge of, nor do we care about," he said, which makes absolutely no sense to us.

From the Trib:

Chicago police are investigating a burglary at the law offices of the attorneys for former Gov. Rod Blagojevich, sources said, and are trying to recover computers containing discovery evidence in the sweeping corruption case.

Someone broke into the offices of laywers Sam Adam and his son, Sam Adam Jr., in the 6100 block of South Ellis Avenue, sources said, and stole computer equipment. At least one of those computers carried copies of secretly made tape recordings in the case, sources said.

How very Nixonian! Blagojevich has called himself "the anti-Nixon"; we can't really figure out at this early stage whether this break-in cements or undermines that characterization. Since the material stolen is reportedly discovery evidence, and therefore just copies of what the prosecution has, our completely uninformed gut is telling us that this was staged in order to give Blagojevich cover to start leaking extended portions of the incriminating wiretaps—something he has repeatedly said he looks forward to doing. Either that or he dumped all his mob-related files on his lawyer for safekeeping. Of course, it could just be a random break-in, just like everyone thought Watergate was at first. But for some reason, we're disinclined to give Blagojevich the benefit of the doubt.

The generous explanation for Schmidt's statement is that he's revolutionized his thinking since 2005, when he blacklisted CNET for publishing info about him gleaned from Google searches, including salary, neighborhood, hobbies and political donations. In that case, the married CEO must not mind all the coverage of his various reputed girlfriends; it's odd he doesn't clarify what's going on with the widely-rumored extramarital dalliances, though.

Schmidt's philosophy is clear with Bartiromo in the clip below: "If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place." The philosophy that secrets are useful mainly to indecent people is awfully convenient for Schmidt as the CEO of a company whose value proposition revolves around info-hoarding. Convenient, that is, as long as people are smart enough not to apply the "secrets suck" philosophy to their Google passwords , credit card numbers and various other secrets they need to put money in Google's pockets.

It's enough to make one pine for the more innocent Google bursting forth in the c. 1999 group picture at the top of this post, also gleaned from CNBC's special. The hair might have been sillier — dig co-founder Sergey Brin and VP Marissa Mayers' cuts, top center — but no one was yet audacious enough to argue against the very idea of a secret.

Remember, please, that an actual elected official, and an adult, wrote this:

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it….w…hen the answer should simply be ‘yes'…."
[...]
In Wiseman's extensive thread that attacked the president, his supporters and Muslims, he stated "…you obama people need to move to a muslim country…oh wait, that's America….pitiful."

It is the fact that we are basically completely inured to actually legitimately dangerous rhetoric like this that is worrying.

Like, this man believes that it is self-evident that our nation's first black President, who was born in America and who is a Christian, is a Muslim who intentionally preempted A Charlie Brown Christmas. And this man is the mayor of a town with a population of almost 10,000 people. And he has 1,600 Facebook friends. And according to more than 2,000 voters in an internet poll, this man "speaks for a lot of Americans who are frustrated with the President." (Why is that even a poll option, Memphis Commercial Appeal?)

This is eliminationist rhetoric. These are 2,000 people who believe that Barack Obama is a threat to this nation. Plus there are Sarah Palin's Facebook fans.

So, yeah, this shit is funny. But with the mainstream GOP more than willing to rile up the nuts if it means a little fundraising cash and a higher media profile, lord knows where this ends.

Time Inc.'s PayMeNow program offers its freelancers the option of taking a discount to be paid in a timely fashion, as opposed to waiting like a sucker for all of the money the company owes them. Our tipster told us that the company's baseline timelag for payments is roughly a month, but it offers a graduated discounted payment plan starting at 25 days for .5% off up to 3 days for 4% off (another Time Inc. freelancer says it actually usually takes 60 or so days to get paid if you don't grease the wheels, which sounds more likely to us).

But Time Inc.'s plan is positively generous compared to NBC Universal's. An iVillage freelancer sent us this contract, which provides two options: NBCU will sit on your invoice for 75 days and pay you what they owe, or pay you in 15 days for a 2.5% discount. "It's just outrageous," the tipster wrote. "Since the internet pays so little for most articles in any case, it's like, do I get my $150 for an article now or when I've forgotten that I even wrote it?"

Some commenters have pointed out that these discount schemes are common for invoicing in the business world. Which makes sense if you're a supplier who's willing to take a hit to get paid faster for a shipment of widgets. But it's a little bit different when you're talking about people's salaries. Here's the NBCU contract. UPDATE: Nielsen Media, which owns the Hollywood Reporter, Billboard, and a bunch of other trades (and is selling them to Lachlan Murdoch), runs a similar scam. According to this BNet story, it's 75 days for full payment or 15 days for a 3% discount, and a tipster confirms that they shop it to their freelancers.

[Photo via Flickr by Brent Moore.]

Allegations from the trader, Andrew Tong (pictured), were recently unsealed; they may help shed light for the FBI's investigation, since Tong testified to manipulative trading amid a sexual harassment case. Sex allegations from the papers are more sensational than any trading scandal; Tong's most extreme allegations, honed in on by Business Insider, say he was forced by his boss Ping Jiang to perform oral sex (in once case as a condition of being allowed to trade); made to take female hormones and dress in feminine attire; and violated in various other ways:

As part of his "training program, Mr. Jiang set about to systematically bully and control Mr. Tong through obscene sexual ultimatums and physical brutality. By way of example, the following tortious and criminal acts were perpetrated by Mr. Jiang against Mr. Tong at SAC's very own offices: (a) in or about the beginning of February 2006, Mr. Jiang forced Mr. Tong to perform oral sodomy; (b) in or about the beginning of March 2006, Mr. Jiang committed assault and battery, as well as false imprisonment upon Mr. Tong by restraining him with ropes and forcibly introducing certain foreign objects into Mr. Tong's rectum; and (c) in or about mid-March 2006, Mr. Jiang again restrained Mr. Tong with ropes and forcibly urinated into his mouth.

Jiang allegedly thought a "soft feminine touch" made for better traders. Even by the dog eat dog standards of Wall Street, this is a sadistic obsession with power and domination . And a way twisted one at that; the "Swinging Dick" is supposed to be a metaphor in the financial world, not something you actually brandish, in the workplace.

Court papers, via Reuters via Business Insider:

Young Ragamuffin Asks Obama to Legalize Drugs and Prostitution
In a town hall meeting today, a student asked Obama if legalizing drugs, prostitution, and other awesome things would stimulate the economy. Obama, ever the square, totally shot him down. Dammit.

Fist-Pumping Jersey Video Re-Affirms New Jersey is Full of Jackasses
Jersey doesn't have self-service gas stations. So people from New Jersey don't pump their gas, they pump their fists. This video makes that fact abundantly clear.

Quentin Tarantino Right at Home in Nonsensical Japanese Commercial
It's really hard to tell what product Quentin Tarantino is even advertising here. And the language barrier doesn't make it any easier. It just involves the director, a talking dog, and a samurai suit.

Judd Apatow Parody Rips Hole in Space-Time-Comedy Continuum
This movie is an insult to the mouth-breathers who enjoyed Epic Movie. The trailer for The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It, is worse than you can possibly imagine. (NSFW)

Out of Control Carwash Hose Seeks Revenge
The carwash hose-underappreciated, taken for granted. Well not anymore. Today is the day the hose stands up and fights for respect, equal rights-freedom. And hilariously drenches two guys in the process.

Candidate #1: Arlington, Tennessee mayor Russell Wiseman, who took to his Facebook page with a message of despair upon learning that Obama's speech had trumped Charlie Brown, on the teevee. We'll just blockquote this thoroughly worthwhile Commercial Appeal story:

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."...

In Wiseman's extensive thread that attacked the president, his supporters and Muslims, he stated "...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful."

At another point he said, "you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........"

No further comment. Contestant #2: News Corp! Which just bought a 10% stake in Rotana, a media company owned by Saudi Prince Waleed. Why the outrage? Well after September 11, you see, various Fox News commentators were outraged at Waleed! Because he suggested that maybe US foreign policy had something to do with the attacks. So NYC rejected a $10 million check from him. Media Matters has some choice quotes:

Bill Sammon: "[I]t's blood money and we're better off without it."
Sean Hannity: Al-Waleed's statement was "such an egregious, outrageous, unfair offense that I would have nothing to do with his money either."

Unless that money comes in the form of dividends from media company profits! So, vote for your god damn favorite. [Pic via]

Unemployment: If it goes any lower, why, it won't even be 10%, officially, and we would barely be losing jobs every month, at all! That's good news for America and for American families.

Which is not to say everything is peachy, exactly. Our plan to scalp tickets for the NBA co-champion Knicks and Nets is not working out so hot, for some reason. And the Off Track Betting thing? We thought that was a sure winner. Who ever went bankrupt on gambling, right? Well, OTB did.

But we're pursuing alternate strategic visions for economic enrichment. When the whole "Fancy Parisian restaurant that's been around for more than 400 years" thing wasn't paying off, we asked ourselves, "Why not auction off some of that wine that's filling up the cellar of this place?" So we did. And we got some money. That's how it is.

Always have a backup plan. Before you know it, the economy won't be losing any jobs at all. Then what's your excuse?
[Pic: Flickr]

Arresting African American Harvard professors at their own homes, is much ado about nothing.

Margaret Mead had the Samoans, Dian Fossey had gorillas, and the rest of us have the eight guidos on Jersey Shore for the most important anthropological study of its day. MTV has chosen four men and four women to live in a house in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, which we hear is called "Sleazeside Heights" in the local vernacular. What is assembled here is not only excellent entertainment, but a breakthrough in media and the science of reality television as a whole.

What we've grown accustomed to are two types of non-competitive reality shows, both pioneered by MTV. There is the Real World species and The Hills species. Jersey Shore is descended from the former type, but is so unique in its evolution that it is a new creature onto itself. For a Real Worldicus Americanus to be a viable animal, producers are looking to cast easy to recognize "types": annoying drunk girl, the slut, angry black man, the violent guy, the flamboyant gay, the sassy black lady, the country bumpkin, the religious zealot. Most of these shows feature a number of types that, when combined will be explosive. While the people go into the show thinking that they are individuals, they are quickly molded into their pre-written role thanks to editing, trickery, and a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. The participants think of themselves as more than just a stereotype, but that is what they are to us.

The amazing thing about Jersey Shore is that it is comprised of only one very distinctive type—the guido—and it is a type in which all of the participants not only willingly identify, but glorify. They are not afraid of being seen as a stereotype because they want to be the big-haired, muscled out, tanned freak in a too-tight Armani Exchange top. While the rest of society may deride the guido, these specimens see nothing wrong with it, because they live in a universe where it is the norm. Based on the other inmates in the Sleazeside Heights zoo, there is nothing manufactured about these people. They do not possess the fame-seeking guile of the Speidis of the world, because their only aspiration is to be revered as the ultimate guido. Because of this, no coaxing into conformity with reality show norms is needed. All the cameras have to do is sit back and observe.

Their disconnect with the byways of mainstream society is especially observed in the environment in which they have been placed, a three-level shore house directly on the boardwalk. When some set designer from New York tricked it out for the show, he snarkily filled it with Italian flags, sparkly sofas, posters of Scarface, maps of New Jersey, tacky couches, and leopard print bedspreads. The residents find nothing kitschy or campy about this set at all. Instead of the intended irony, they only see "class" (see below).

We already met those on the other side of the glass, but lets learn a little bit more about their specific genus.

Angelina: She arrives at the house carrying all her belongings in trash bags, that makes us want to call her Trash Bags. However, she seems to take inexplicable joy in making sure the males of the house do not get to mate. Because of this, we want to call her Blue Balls. Trash Bags or Blue Balls, please help us decide. Maybe her aversion to the other males getting attention is because she has a boyfriend at home, so she is not getting any loving while she tries to stay faithful. She is complex, but lazy.

JWOWW: Is the human embodiment of Stripperella except she tries to cover it up by dying most of her hair brunette. The white pieces still show through, as do her enormous breast implants, which she displays in shirts that look like a glittery Ace bandage leisurely draped over two toddler's heads. She is a slut who takes pleasure in making men want her and then making their lives hell. She is very dangerous when provoked. Also, we like to call her ShamWOWW because everything about her is fake.

The Situation: A prevalence of referring to oneself in the third person is usually a symptom of low self-esteem masked by fake bravado, and The Situation (real name: Mike) is a perfect example. He thinks that all the ladies love him, but he needs them to love him. His name describes his defined abdominal muscles, which he describes as a "situation." The physical perfection he tries to achieve is meant to make up for lack of security he feels in himself. He appears to be a strong alpha, but he is really a sad, sad follower.

Snooki: If there was a Guido equivalent of a fag hag, it would be Snooki. She will do anything to please the men in her life, even though none of them desire her sexually. Also she resorts to extreme tactics when no one is paying attention to her. She clings to the outmoded standard of beauty that she claims to have created ("the poof") even though her peers shun it. She also can not operate simple machinery.

DJ Pauly D: Has about the ugliest collection of tribal markings outside of the before pictures in a tattoo removal ad. Yes, it says Cadillac down his side, most likely so that the women who lie next to him in bed will have something to read. He has no morals when it comes to mating and will do anything for the attention of the ladeez. Once he finally blinds them with the aberrant scribbles on his skin, he takes them home where he marks their vaginas internally with his pierced penis. They will always bear the mark of DJ Pauly D—a herpes blister and labial scar from the cuts made by his Prince Albert. He also likes to fight.

Ronnie: Though smart when it comes to dealing with women, his size, bravado, and penchant for making fruity drinks belies a more "sensitive" side. "The Situation" can see the situation clearly and thinks that his romantic rival is in love with him. We can not say that he is wrong. Like most people hiding secrets, Ronnie is full of anger. That might also be the steroids, but we're going with secrets.

Sammy: This self-described sweetheart is a Helen of Troy type. She needs to have men going to war for her in order to crown a clear victor. She likes to think of herself as the mothering type who will make a great cook and raise a big Italian brood, but she will never be able to settle down because the constant conflict does not work well with monogamy. However, she is still looking for the Darwinian ideal to bed her, and only the strongest survive. The weak can all die, for all she cares, preferably at her hand.

Vinny: Vinny has been ruined by his mother to thinking that he is better than he truly is. He feels that because he is young and educated he somehow has a leg up on his comrades. At the same time, he does not alter his conformity to their standards of appearance or behavior. He will eventually have a psychotic break where he will move to Vermont and try to reinvent himself as an organic, vegan farmer. He will fail and have to move back with his mother.

There are the creatures that we are forced to ponder. Of course, there are a few words that one must know to understand their sophisticated patois:

• Classy: This is a standard of beauty and behavior to which all aspire. While the taste and requirements are subjective, the directive is absolute: one must be classy.
• Trashy: The opposite of "classy" and includes behavior like taking off one's thong in a hot tub, bringing people home from a club, and cheating on one's boyfriend (but not one's girlfriend). While the guido may refer to behavior in another as "trashy" that same behavior in oneself is often deemed "classy."
• Vibing: Getting along with and flirting with a member of the opposite sex.
• Dogging On: Making out with or engaging in sexual tomfollery when in a public setting.
• Pounding Out: Engaging in sexual intercourse with someone-hopefully in a private setting, but not necessarily.
• Blow-out: The type of ornate plumage the male employs that requires a blow dryer and several tubes of hair gel to perfect.
• Sluts: To men a "slut" is both any woman who wants to have sex with him and any woman who doesn't want to have sex with him, which means all women are sluts. To the female it is all women other than herself. It can also be a term of sexual empowerment for a woman, unless applied to one who is not "classy," then it is the ultimate insult

Now that we have learned their jargon, it is time to witness them in their natural environment.

Work: The herd is not allowed to merely live in house, they must also work at the Shore Store, a Boardwalk T-Shirt emporium that sells wares like hot pink booty shorts, air brushed tank tops, and Ts with sexual slogans such as "I shaved my balls today."

Not everyone enjoys working, Trash Bags finds it tedious and tries to slack off at any opportunity. Vinny, who has the first disease of the season (sadly, pink eye) asks her to fill in for him, and she can only agree to work one hour. She is lazy.

The Situation enjoys a work situation, because it gives him a chance to show off. Vinny is an eager worker, but only because he needs to please a boss, who he sees as a substitute father figure. Because his mother plays such a prominent role in his life, he is searching for male authority to steer him the right way.

Landlord/boss Danny is a benevolent tyrant. He enjoys the kids, but he enjoys the money they make him even more. He will fire one, eventually. We hope it's not Sneakers.

Hooking Up: Romantic entanglements are of the utmost importance to the young guido. Other than the gym and tanning salon, the bedroom is his most cherished habitat.

Here we see DJ Pauly D getting close with JWOWW, they eventually make out. The next night, they make out again, and JWOWW discretely hides their locked lips behind her hand. She has a boyfriend at home and she doesn't want to cheat on him. She does not define "cheating" as making out with another man and seeing his pierced penis. Cheating is if she gets him off before she climaxes. If she uses a man for her own pleasure that is not cheating.

Blue Balls also has a boyfriend at home, which is why she has strapped a chastity belt on all the men in her immediate vicinity. The problem is her boyfriend hates her. Whenever she calls, he seems to be too busy for her. When he tells her that he is "in a meeting" and can't talk, she repeatedly calls and gets his voicemail. This is grounds for dumping her. Please, please, throw out the Trash Bags.

The most complicated romantic entanglement is between Sammy Soso, Ronnie, and The Situation, who find themselves in a love triangle situation. Sammy Soso was initially attracted to The Situation, but found it to be a Soso Situation. After holding hands and "vibing" with him, she makes out with him in the club. Then she decides to make out with Ronnie. Naturally, this angers The Situation, because his self-worth is now shattered thanks to Sammy. He picks up the little pieces of his ego and flips her off. Because of his behavior, she sees him as weak and "dogs on" Ronnie instead, flaunting their relationship in The Situation's room so that he will feel even worse about himself.

In retaliation, DJ Pauly Desperate, Vinnie, and The Situation bring three girls back to the roof and try to get it on with all of them. The Situation feels vaguely better about himself, but now that Ronnie is officially the alpha, he is uneasy about his status.

As for the complicated hook ups of Snickers, we will get to that in the next video.

Puking: This is a common occurrence among the members of the guido tribe and it is looked upon as an inevitability of their hard-drinking lifestyle, but as also the most foul act a human can perform. It is weakness, and weakness is not tolerated. It also creates "puke breath," which is a deadly ailment that can cause death if it breathed on another guido. Puke breath to guidos is like holy water to vampires—something so profane it will melt your very skin.

Here we have Snooker's new friend Robby, who she met at a club. He vomits when she tries to make out with him. This is either because he drank too much or because he finds her revolting. Maybe a combination of the two. After instructing him to hurl over the railing of the balcony and onto the sidewalk below, she goes downstairs to get a trash bag for him to vomit in. She doesn't know that this is really Blue Balls' luggage. When she walks him home, she will not kiss him because of his puke breath.

Just the day before Snack Cake herself got so blitzed that she vomited the next morning. No one would hold her poofy hair because they were afraid of puke breath inhalation. The puking was so severe, it made her late for her first day of work. When asked for an excuse by bossman Danny, she said, "I was in the bathroom," because having him think she think she was taking an enormous turd is better than having him think she is infected with puke breath.

Drinking: Next to hooking up, getting drunk is the leisure activity of the guido. This usually allows them to hook up more freely, so it is a symbiotic relationship. Sometimes it leads them to want to hook up too much, like when ShamWOWW made out with DJ Pauly Shore at the club and then took off his wife beater, leaving with both his shirt and her pride. Apparently she needed to go eat ham, which is a cure for drunkenness. Also, if vomited up, it makes the puke breath almost bearable.

Also behaving badly under influence of alcohol was Snuffleupagus. She got so bombed that she took off her clothes and hopped into the hot tub with all the boys, where she was as unwanted as a Baby Ruth floating at a pool party. Rejected, she went downstairs where she tried to call her father on the duck-shaped phone that is the favorite communication device of the tribe. However, she could not make it work. After hanging up on her father several times, she also hung up on ShamWOWW's boyfriend several times and some mean man who just kept screaming "Who is this?" at her. It was probably Ronnie's "juice man" returning frantic pages for more T.

Vinny got drunk and dance with a fat lady, which somehow gave him pink eye. This has not yet been medically proven to happen.

Fighting: Give a guido enough testosterone and their muscles will swell, their dicks will shrink, and contests of superiority will be very, very likely.

This relatively weak fight started because someone was assessing the Situation. He didn't like the way he was being looked at and blew his aggressors a kiss. Apparently making homosexual overtures to another male of a neighboring group is an incitement to violence (which may be why leader Ronnie keeps his love of the Situation a secret).

When one member of a pride has his pride attacked, it is up to all the male members to defend that honor, which is why the Situation got assessed, but Vinny got shoved, and DJ Pauly Dope responded with a punch to the nose. Thankfully the authorities were there to restrain him and quickly defuse the Situation by throwing him and his friends out on the street. Fights aren't won or lost, they are only ended, either by bouncers of cops.

While this contest may be fierce, inter-tribal civil wars tend to be verbal in nature, especially between members of the opposite sex. Trash Bags and Robo-Cop Ronnie get in a tiff because he thinks she shouldn't be cock blocking and she thinks that trashy girls shouldn't be let in the house. Their screaming made no sense whatsoever, but was a bit of mild entertainment for an evening at home.

Communication Skills: Here are some of our favorite things that people actually said last night:

Sammy: "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet, but don't fuck with me."

Ronnie: "Take your shirt and [the women] come to you like flies on shit."

DJ Paulie D: "I don't want to work, I'm a DJ."

Trash Bags: "How is this girl getting in the jacuzzi in a bra. Wear a thong bikini if you're going to wear anything. It's more classier."

Sammy: "I had so much respect for you guys until you got into the Jacuzzi with those sluts."

Blue Balls: "That's how we know we're classy girls because we've been here two days with those guys and nothing has happened."

The Situation: "This situation is unbelievable. You can't even believe the situation you're about to get in the situation."

Trash Bags: "I'm a bartender, I do like, you know, great things."

Snickerdoodle: "I'm the fucking princess of fucking Poughkeepse."

The Situation: "Everybody loves me: babies, dogs, hot girls, cougars."

Vinny: "I don't care if you're fat, ugly, 45 years old—I'll dance with you."

DJ Paulie Dude: "She wants to have fun and have a boyfriend. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I'll play that game. I'll be that guy. I don't care."

Blue Balls: "If a girl's a slut, she should be abused."

Trash Bags: "I'll cut your hair while you're sleeping."

First of all, they are all about what would be considered ancient history here in the US, and they are also grandly important ideological conflicts between establishment right and revolutionary left. But more importantly, they involve giant penises on the sides of buildings.

Taz is a tiny but historically important leftist newspaper. Bild is the biggest newspaper in Germany. In 2002, Taz "reported" in its Satire column that Kai Diekmann, the right-wing editor of Bild, had gone in for penis enlargement surgery in Miami, "but the operation went badly, and it resulted in the castration of the patient." Funny! Then Diekmann sued them for libel, and lost. So to celebrate, Taz commissioned an artist to install a sculpture of Diekmann, naked, with a six-meter-long penis, on the side of their building, which is across the street from Bild's building.

Awesome.

But some people found this sculpture to be in poor taste! Some people like the new managing editor of Taz. But she cannot have it removed, because the leftist newspaper makes decisions based on direct democracy, and no one can agree on what to do about the giant penis on their building.

But there are suggestions!

After the meeting, Pohl is standing in the cafeteria. She is wearing a green parka and her eyes seem glazed over. She shrugs her shoulders. One staff member, she says, suggested installing a fountain into the tip of the penis, but that isn't an option.

Well, why not?

Giant Penis Sparks Bizarre Media War [Der Spiegel via HuffPo]
[Pic: Getty]

"A local reporter attempting to cover President Obama's speech at West Point this week was not allowed in when he told security officials he had a hunting gun in the trunk of his car." And people try to criticize the Secret Service!


Monday is the deadline for the latest round of voluntary buyouts at the New York Times. Keith Kelly says only about 50 people will go voluntarily, which probably means about another 50 will have to be laid off. Happy holidays.


Ha, the Dallas Morning News has essentially taken itself out of the "journalism" business by having section editors report to the business side of the paper. The publisher dismisses the uproar: "I guess at the end of the day the only way I'll convince people is to tell them to check back in 90 days, 180 days, 365 days and see if anything has changed." Yea, you'd like that, wouldn't you? But we'd rather just never read you again, on principle.


A Nov. 10 "New Global Indian" online column [in the WSJ] by New York City freelance writer Mona Sarika has been found to contain information that was plagiarized from several publications, including the Washington Post, Little India, India Today and San Francisco magazine. At least, that's how I'd put this item, in my own words.

Addressing healthcare, Obama said, "All we're trying to do is make sure that if you're buying health insurance on the private marketplace that you're not getting gouged, and gypped, by the insurance companies."

"Gypped," unfortunately, is something of an ethnic slur. At least some members of the Roma community—formerly known as gypsies—regard it as such. The word is said to have been derived from "to gypsy," and means to rip off, implying that all gypsies are thieves—it's sort of analagous to saying, "that 7-11 clerk Jewed me out of me change." When a British judge used it in open court in June, the British Roma community protested and the Oxford English Dictionary, which simply defines "gyp" as an "act of cheating," said it would likely look into the matter next year. The dictionary's chief etymolygist told the Daily Telegraph that there was a "scholarly consensus" that it was probably a "racial slur." Someone has made sure that it appears in Wikipedia's list of ethnic insults.

If a British judge caused a stir by using it a few months ago, we'd imagine that an American president employing it will cause a minor uproar. Oh look! Right-wingers are already standing up for the interests of the Roma people. You can now add gypsies to the list of people Obama hates, along with the mentally and physically challenged and white people.

After a season in which it seemed HBO's tribute to guys who like to hang out with each other and drive expensive cars had run out of varieties of awful to explore; after it seemed there were no depths of storytelling incompetence left to plunder, many entertainment lovers dared to dream that even the show's producers might be getting tired of this charade.

In an interview with the Hollywood Reporter's Roger Friedman, Executive Producer Marky Mark Walhberg revealed that the show has not one but two seasons left in it (we would love to know the science behind that calculation). And then he uttered the words, the words which for years now have sat lurking at the far reaches of our unconscious, the nightmare that we know lay in wait but we dared not consciously consider.

"We'll see," Walhberg said. "there could be more. But then, a movie."

A movie.

We'll just pause and let everyone take in what that year of Turtle and Piven and the "Girls of Entourage" magazine covers and Extra specials might actually feel like. There's at least two years before it becomes law; plenty of time for concerned citizens to act. The real tea party starts here.

Didn't they think it was fishy when Google credited 11 inventors on two continents in its newly-issued patent? That's a lot of brainpower for child's play, and even for, as the patent calls it, a broader "WEB-BASED SYSTEM FOR GENERATION OF INTERACTIVE GAMES BASED ON DIGITAL VIDEOS." (Thanks to commenter theodp for pointing the patent out to us.)

Google illustrated the patent with pictures of the age-old kids game "rocks, paper, scissors," and described some very boring uses, like:

Clicking on an annotation corresponding to a 'rock', "paper", or "scissors" menu item leads to separate video or portion of the same video depicting a tie, a win, or a loss, respectively, each outcome potentially leading to the display of additional annotations representing a second round of the game.

Whatever. This will be used immediately for porn. And even though that sort of thing is not allowed on YouTube per se, Google will earn further insane riches on the royalties.

Actual caption of a Hallmark "difficult times" Xmas card, via the WSJ:

We can say it: this wasn't the year that any of us had hoped for. There are some kinds of loss that touch a whole family, and we've all felt it this year.

Jesus, it's Christmas time, you commies. How about looking on the bright side?

[Make your own and put them in the comments, what else do you have to do?]

On paper, the film had everything an awards race could want; directed by Oscar winner Rob Marshall, revisiting the musical soil from which propelled Chicago to a million trophies; a cast filled with more Oscar bait than you can count including Judi Dench, Sophia Loren, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson and led by Oscar's golden boy himself Daniel Day Lewis; a story adapted from a cinema classic.

It should have been Nine's year, but the first indications are, it very much wont be.

Of the three reviews out on the streets, two are tepid at best. Although em>Variety's Todd McCarthy is very positive, this does not add up to the beginnings of a groundswell.

McCarthy called Nine a "savvy piece of musical filmmaking. Sophisticated, sexy and stylishly decked out, Rob Marshall's disciplined, tightly focused film impresses and amuses." He goes on to praise the handling of the adaptation of both the Broadway musical from whence it came and the Fellini film 8 1/2 on which the musical was loosely based.

So much for the nice. Over at the Hollywood Reporter, Kurt Honeycutt begins, "Nine marks the number of terrific acting and singing talents poorly used in this flat rendition of the Broadway musical...The disappointments are many here, from a starry cast the film ill uses to flat musical numbers that never fully integrate into the dramatic story. The only easy prediction is that Nine is not going to revive the slumbering musical film genre."

And over at The Hot Blog, David Poland can't slap enough hurt on the film to make it pay for his disappointment. He begins, Have you ever seen a singer with a great voice and no grasp of the lyrics? That's Rob Marshall. Nine is a movie with two memorable songs, performances that are routinely better than what the performers were given to perform, a problematically intense but not charming performance at the center, and most painfully, a lack of basic storytelling." And goes on in rich detail to count all the ways the film fails to live up to its promise, from a lifeless story construction to a charmless performance from Day Lewis.

So all that leaves us with an awards race right where it was last week, with the flawed campaigns of Precious, The Hurt Locker and Up in the Air keeping Oscar locked in their three-way death. Below is our end of the week check on the conventional wisdom of Oscar-land, with only three months and change to go:

↑ Up In the Air: Won the National Board of Review Best Film award which gives Air, dismissed by some as too lightweight, some needed gravitas.
↔ Precious: Strong showing at the Spirits nominations, but doubts persist about how well the heavy-handed story will wear in the long campaign. The National Board omitted the film from its top ten list altogether.
↓ The Hurt Locker: Was bizarrely ineligible for Spirits nominations as it was entered last year. Needing a break out win if its to maintain its place in the top three.
↓ The Lovely Bones: Met very mixed reviews in its London premiere, some saying the story is too Law And Order to make a serious contender.
↔ Invictus: Respectful but not jumping for joy buzz from early screenings. With Oscar having showered so many trophies on director Clint Eastwood already, will be likely reluctance to let him into the front of the race with a merely so so turn.
? Avatar: The last remaining question mark, unviewed by the critics. Despite a preponderance of early evidence to the contrary, some dare to hope for another Titanic to sweep the Oscar table clean.

This very brief and innocuous-sounding Roll Call story is basically its obit.

Democratic moderates, uneasy with Majority Leader Harry Reid's (D-Nev.) choice of a public insurance option even though it includes an opt-out provision for states that do not want to participate, are looking for an alternative that can garner the 60 votes needed for passage. The public option offered by Reid is strongly opposed by all 40 Republicans.

Carper described Thursday's meeting as productive.

"Among the concerns that centrists have expressed are concerns about an alternative that might be government-run or government-funded, and we had an opportunity to drill down on both of those concerns," Carper said.

Among those who attended all or part of the meeting were Democratic Sens. Mark Begich (Alaska); Kay Hagan (N.C.); Mary Landrieu (La.); Blanche Lincoln (Ark.); Ben Nelson (Neb.); Mark Pryor (Ark.); Jeanne Shaheen (N.H.); Arlen Specter (Pa.); and Mark Warner (Va.).

You know what? That is a lot of Democratic Senators attending this "let's kill the Public Option" meeting. It is also a nice illustration of the way being a Senate moderate works: saying "I can't support this because others might not support it because of the fact that they might not support it."

And then there is today's Washington Post story on the ongoing negotiations, which presents these developments as a positive for a Public Option:

At Reid's urging, various senators have begun exploring alternatives for a public plan that could pass muster with the centrists, and some lawmakers are starting to examine other ways to achieve the same goals of greater competition, better coverage and lower prices. But as the negotiations unfold, liberal Democrats say they are growing increasingly realistic in their expectations.

This means they have already conceded. If they can convince the vile "moderates" to grant them a more subsidies they will drop their insistence on a government insurance program that can actually cover or negotiate with anyone.

So, liberals lose again!

That's right, if the network had no faith in her when she was just a writer at Saturday Night Live who wanted to take over Weekend Update, now is the time that she's turning the knife in their side. Just watch.

"She's just a writer with zero performing experience." Good thing no one listens to those idiots at the network, because if Lorne Michaels never put her on the air, we never would have gotten 30 Rock, and then there wouldn't be even one show worth watching on the network.

Just as putting Tina on air was a great idea, putting Liz Lemon on air is an inversely horrible idea. Everyone knows this, even Jack. However, he is willing to see his cost-cutting experiment through to the end, and he has to do it without losing money. It may be reaching a little bit, but this smacks of The Jay Leno Show. Everyone thinks this bastard brainchild of studio heads is going to be a legendary catastrophe but the bullheaded network goes through with it anyway, thinking it can make some money. And what happens? Well, disaster.

Also a bit of a mess was Tracy, and this week he was trying to win Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony awards—even if he has to steal them from Whoopi Goldberg (one of only ten people to accomplish the feat).

Sure the joke might have been made at Whoopi's expense for her Daytime Emmy (she actually has two) win for The View, but the joke wasn't really on her. Oh, speaking of The View, Sherri Shepherd was on last night too. She's also a cohost on Barbara Walter's daytime reach around. Wait, what channel is that on? Oh, ABC! Way to give another network all that free advertising. They better write Kathie Lee Gifford into an upcoming episode or the network isn't going to buy Tina Fey's ham anymore.

Speaking of Ms. Fey, she was on fire last night. The shoot for her Dealbreakers opening credits had nothing to do with NBC, but if looking good is the best revenge, then being hysterical is sure a close second. Enjoy!

The figures come from the industry breakdown of the Bureau of Labor Statistics' new employment numbers [pdf]. Jobs in the print publishing category—that includes newspapers, magazines, and books as well as direct-mail shops and the like—have declined from 863,600 last November to 776,800 last month—a 10% drop (those are seasonably adjusted figures). Last month alone saw a 4.2% decline in print jobs, helped by massive bloodletting at the Associated Press, Business Week, Time Inc., and elsewhere.

And those numbers explicitly exclude internet-based jobs, which don't appear to be tracked separately. So the total number of media workers laid off in the last year is almost certainly substantially higher.

Overall, the new job figures are being described as a small improvement, given the downtick in the unemployment rate. But the largest single employment sector to add jobs in the last month was temporary services, with an increase of 52,000. And the largest drop in unemployment was among teenagers. These are not quality jobs.

And this paragraph from the BLS's release should provide some sobering context:

About 2.3 million persons were marginally attached to the labor force in November, an increase of 376,000 from a year earlier. (The data are not seasonally adjusted.) These individuals were not in the labor force, wanted and were available for work, and had looked for a job sometime in the prior 12 months. They were not counted as unemployed because they had not searched for work in the 4 weeks preceding the survey.

But there's good news: Employment in commercial banking increased by 1,000 jobs, or about 1%. They always win, don't they?

You should probably read the incredible summaries posted by those who witnessed this bizarre celebration of one man's incredibly dysfunctional self-regard. The basic story: Glenn Beck is "Eddie," and he is poor, and his mom makes him a sweater, and then he kills his mom with ingratitude, and then he cries on the floor while a black woman sings at him, and then he runs through a cornfield during a storm, and his mom comes back to life. And then Glenn Beck, who is no longer Eddie, explains that the capitalists at Simon and Schuster forced him to write that terrible dream ending, and in reality, he did kill his real-life mom with ingratitude.

So. Uh. Yes. It is the confession of a damaged depressive masquerading as a heart-warming hacky Xmas tale that has no moral besides "be nice to mom or she will die but she won't really die but yes she will." Merry Christmas, everyone!

First, the only reason to declare the neighborhood "blighted" would be to hand it over to the school:

And second, shut up, Columbia:

[Full ruling via NYT]