The Snuggle House was supposed to be a nice place where nice people could drop in for "therapeutic cuddling" at $60 an hour "in a non-sexual way." But it all went sideways, because clearly, you didn't deserve The Snuggle House, America.
The Madison, Wisconsin-based business had a simple ethos: People like to feel "'connected' in a disconnected, digital world." Which is simply to say that we all like to spoon up on our sides under the covers, and slowly breathe with someone else as one, eyes closed, vulnerable and safe at the same time, enveloped in the warm, fuzzy reveries of a near-cosmic closeness, until the hour is up, and it's time for us to choose cash or Visa and show ourselves out.
Paying customers could pick the professional snuggler of their choice to take them into one of the house's private back rooms for platonic joy. The house's trained staff included:
But local squares just couldn't open their minds, much less their cold, spindly arms: They called elected officials to complain about the den of sin opening up, and The Snuggle House's opening was pushed back to the middle of last month "because of a lack of a business plan and inspections by city officials who were concerned the second-floor business could be a front for prostitution," the Wisconsin State Journal reports.
Even if its business was legit, an attorney for the city said there was no "no way" for the house to guard against sex assaults. "No offense to men, but I don't know any man who wants to just snuggle," she told the AP.
That scrutiny was just too much for The Snuggle House to sustain, and it folded over the weekend. "The Snuggle House is Officially Closed — for good. For those people who supported us, thank you. Snuggle on!" the sad snugglers announced on Facebook.
Any church organization that could use extra furniture for people who are in need this holiday season, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org. All of our stuff is brand new and very nice. We will donate all our assets to those in need. Thank you.
...and there was nothing left but a spoon-shaped hole in all of our souls.