Earlier this afternoon, a man in Seattle decided to climb up a tree, throw apples at the surrounding medics, and otherwise refuse any attempt at aid. Twelve hours later, he is showing no signs of letting up. In fact, it looks like our Man in Tree has even begun to build himself a home.
In the initial hours, crews brought a crane to the scene to attempt to negotiate with the man, but to no avail, as he was “tossing small branches, orange peels, pine cones and other materials at rescuers and claimed to be armed with a knife.” He also apparently requested Camel Crush cigarettes.
After hours of refusing to come down, vigilante cosplayer Phoenix Jones decided that he just might have what ailed the man (in the tree).
Self-proclaimed citizen superhero “Phoenix Jones,” who has apparently dealt with Man in Tree before (in what capacity remains inconclusive) came bearing a sandwich, beer, and Newports for the man, demanding to be allowed to help. The cops, however, denied the man’s LARP request.
“We know him. We’ve dealt with him for years. This is how he acts and this is what he needs,” Phoenix Jones said in a tweet, dismayed that the cops turned away his offer to help. Whether or not the cigarettes would have coaxed the man out of the tree has yet to be seen, but we feel confident that the, as far as what the man “needs” goes, medical help of some kind would probably be more effective than whatever Phoenix has in his brown paper bag.
Either way, Man in Tree is nothing if not self-sufficient. As you can see in the video below, after spending a good fifteen minutes unsuccessfully trying to make himself comfortable, he decided to take destiny into his own hands.
If you’re still not totally sure what’s going on in the clip above, Man in Tree is breaking the branches keeping him from certain death (or at the very least, blinding pain) in order to build himself his very own tree bed.
Or as the KOMO News cameraman declared: “Yeah, he made a full-on fort. Like, Bear Grylls style.”
Fortunately, Man in Tree finished his initial remodeling just in time for the cameraman’s shift change, affording us an entirely new angle:
Man in Tree does more than just Tree dweller, though. He is also Man—meaning that he has bodily functions to take care of just like the rest of us. Here, you can see what is presumably Man in Tree relieving himself in some capacity.
It’s hard to tell whether he’s urinating or merely taking care of a particularly maddening itch, but either way one thing is certain—Man in Tree is human. Just like everyone of us.
You can watch Man in Tree in real time here if, like me, you’ve developed an unhealthy level of investment in his emotional and physical well-being. And if you have any information about Man in Tree at all, please do let us know.
Update 1:18 p.m.
Man in Tree is still very much tree. At some point, he appeared to be counting... something. Street signs? People? The remaining shreds of his and/or the surrounding cops sanity? It’s impossible to tell for sure. As you can see, the cops have no idea what the fuck to do.
See the police pointing? That’s how you know they’re doing their jobs. “Yep, that’s him in that tree all right.”
And here’s the window where the police try to talk to the man in the tree occasionally.
The reporters themselves are clearly losing their minds.
At one point, a man with a goat came up, prompting the attending reporter to lose his shit over anything—ANYTHING—that involves something other than a man in a tree.
“Did you bring your goat?” asks the reporter.
“Yeah, I can have a goat if I want to,” respond the goats owner.
Yes, sir. Yes you can have a goat. Because if nothing else, today is about freedom.
Update 1:50 p.m.
The man is no longer in the tree. I REPEAT: The man is no longer in the tree. After first snacking on some food left for him by the local police force.
And is now being gurneyed out to safety.
Just as the prophecy foretold, the Giving Sequoia has finally given all it can.
But what about the reporter and his newfound goat friend? Well, dear reader, it would seem that stories are just beginning.