Because the internet has made it easier for all of us to be shameless voyeurs and deviants, we love to watch famous people have sex. We watch this footage because it's something we're not supposed to see (sometimes) but we come away satisfied that when famous people have sex it's closer to the sex we as civilians have from time to time. Meaning: it's hardly ever sexy the way we expect it to be sexy, even when the participants are ostensibly more attractive than the majority of our sex partners will be.
But naked, they're still having sex like people who don't usually have sex on camera. Even if their dicks are big enough to smash a boat horn with authority, or their faces are lit up like Gulf War scud missile footage after midnight, their sex- purposeful, vaunted celebrity sex-is still incredibly dull. The normalcy of it is exciting, though. When you see glimmers of sloppy kissing or some shoulder moles or just an earnest, breathy, post-coital "iluvvvvuuuu..." it becomes mesmerizing.
Up top, you'll see one minute from the 30 minutes of footage taken of 59-year-old Hulk Hogan, professional wrestler, Real Life American Hero to many, fucking a woman rumored to be the ex-wife of his best friend, a famous radio DJ named Bubba the Love Sponge. This footage was stealthily circulated last April. TMZ reported its existence, The Dirty showed some screen shots, and Hulk lawyered up because he claims he was "secretly filmed." Last week, a burned DVD copy of Hulk having sex with the woman rumored to be Heather Clem (Bubba's ex-wife), was delivered to us through an anonymous source. They wanted no payment. They wanted no credit. Their only request was that we watch it. So I did—all 30:17 of it—and hyperbole aside, it's a goddamn masterpiece.
It opens with Hulk Hogan performing oral sex on the woman as she lays on the bed. Then another man's voice can be heard from inside the room off-camera and both Hulk and the naked woman engage in idle chit-chat with the mystery man. Because the woman closely resembles Mrs. Clem, some have suggested that the voice of the mystery man is, in fact, Bubba the Love Sponge. If this is true, Bubba has no problem sharing his wife with his best friend.
"You guys do your thing," this man says. "I'll be in the office if you need me."
He exits swiftly and allows Hulk and this woman their privacy. Hulk and the woman engage in more chit-chat and Bubba's name is mentioned. The woman says "We just fucked earlier today." Hulk asks "Who? You and Bubba?" She just laughs. It doesn't matter.
Hulk strips down. His tan line is exposed and his hairline is vulnerable and silly without the do-rag, but there is sex to be had regardless. Hulk must get hard, though, and the woman is eager to make that happen. Her fellatio is successful and Hulkamania is about to run wild on her but then his cell phone rings. He checks it because he thinks it might be his son, Nick. The ringtone on Hulk Hogan's phone is a song by his daughter, Brooke Hogan, called "About Us" featuring Paul Wall. He is a proud father.
But Hulk checks the caller and does not want to talk that person at all. "Fuck no," he says.
He stands on the side of the bed and the woman scoots up from the pillows and resumes giving the former WWE heavyweight champion of the universe a blowjob. It is a slow, dutiful blowjob and Hulk is thrusting himself into her mouth to speed up the process. This goes on for a few minutes and at one point Hulk examines the canopy bed curtains in a way that suggests he'd like to purchase this particular style for his own canopy bed some day. She takes a break. She spits loudly. She resumes for a few seconds, but it appears the spit has worked because Hulk mutters something in a growly sex voice. The woman removes him from her mouth and spins around on the bed like an excited puppy. She stands. They grope each other and stare at each other. "What did you say?" she asks, laughing and tying up her hair in a pony tail. Then they both laugh because there was a miscommunication during the sex act and they don't want to feel awkward.
"You got a rubber? I want you to climb on top of me," Hulk repeats, but not as sexy as it was the first time, which she didn't hear. Yes, she does have a rubber. Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you'd find in a child's lunchbox. Hulk hurls his massive body on to the canopy bed and the woman climbs on top, finally, and they begin. There is lots of squealing and moaning from her and she says stuff like, "I want to make you cum" and, "Your dick feels so good inside me"—that sort of thing. There is light spanking from Hulk done to show he supports her efforts and is close to orgasming.
Then, Hulk grunts. Hulk grunts more. Then Hulk grunts like he's doing an impression of old Hulk Hogan grunting right before he's about to cum/come. Climax happens for both participants and they seem pleased with the results. The woman provides two tender kisses on Hulk's upper chest. Hulk says, "Mmmk," because he's a little bemused by the situation he finds himself in on this day as we'll soon find out. Here's how Hulk explains his reaction to the woman he just had sex with:
"The rubber almost came off," he says.
She's not concerned. "It did what it was supposed to."
Hulk thought that was funny and makes her repeat it.
She does so and then peels off the rubber from his penis and carries it away. She holds the condom full of Hulk jiz like it's a random dirty sock she found in the dryer. Hulk is still coming down from his orgasm and is making quick, loud Tony Soprano wheezes.
"Oh my god," he exhales. "Can't believe I have to drive back home. Fuuuuck."
The woman giggles, climbs back into bed with him and reminds Hulk that this is why he should move to this neighborhood. They engage in some cuddling for a couple minutes but Hulk does have to go because he has to go meet his son Nick who was presumably no longer in prison during the time this was filmed. Playful banter resumes amidst the afterglow. Hulk gets up naked and accepts the invitation from the woman to take a shower. But then he tells the woman that he's shocked that the fucking took place at all because he'd just eaten ten minutes before he got there and "felt like a pig." He had sashimi. He smacks his large stomach and makes his way to the shower.
Hulk begins to put on his clothes. "Bubba's shirt," he says when he puts on his shirt. He's pulling on his jeans one giant leg at a time, still mumbling. The woman is naked in bed and not at all concerned by his early exit. She does suggest that he go talk to the mystery man in the office before he leaves. But Hulk has to go meet his son Nick at midnight. Then Hulk tells a story about how Nick's new girlfriend has a twin sister who called Hulk on the phone. Hulk reveals that the young woman inquired about his divorce and, if that's true, she would like to be the first to go out with him.
Hulk sits on the bed and puts on his socks. "You're a hot commodity," the woman says to Hulk. "Yeah, right. Huh," Hulk says. Even Hulk Hogan needs to be told he's handsome sometimes.
But he has to go, he leans over and kisses the woman. They joke about him loving and leaving but it's okay. "Be cool," he says to the woman on his way out the door. They thank each other for the sex. "You're awesome," Hulk says on his way out the door. "So are you," she says back in a very sincere way. Everybody's awesome. Hulk asks her if he should close the door on the way out. "No, leave it open," she says. "Thank you." Off he went.
Video edited by Kate Bennert.