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Happy 101 years and one day after the birth of Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan—the man that the American public ranks as the greatest president ever. More »
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Did you catch the Super Bowl game on television? Perhaps you were one of the millions of fans who shared your opinions in the largest simultaneous outpouring of tweets in history. Mmm, illusion. Bathe in it. More »
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Fifty years ago, segregation seemed to be the most pressing racial problem in America. The civil rights movement took it as its explicit goal to end segregation. Integration was seen as the logical precursor to equality. If separate meant unequal, then living together could only mean equality. More »
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Here in America, our jails are full of old people, and it's costing us a ton of money to keep them in there. Huh. Now there is a problem which certainly could not have been foreseen by craven "Law and order" politicians prosecuting a useless "War on Drugs" for the sake of public popularity, nor by the simplistic bloodthirsty voters who repeatedly elected them in order to satisfy a primal hatred of "the other." Anyhow, we have a solution: let the old people out of jail. More »
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Well well well, obesity rates in America are finally "stabilizing," at 112%. Kidding, it's not even 40%. We've managed to avoid a clinically obese majority. This is considered progress. No thanks to you, Paula Deen. More »
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Americans love cheez. Cheez has made Kraft the most powerful cheez corporation on earth. Now, the company is making a $50 million advertising gamble that it can get Americans to try something new: cheese. More »
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When the topic of "What America really needs" comes up, one answer inevitably surfaces as a common refrain: less labor-intensive access to fast food. Your dream may soon come true, America. More »
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"Fuck you, Starbucks, you American pussies." That is what we imagine Canadian coffee and donut chain Tim Hortons to be anthropomorphically saying today, adding in an "Eh?" at the end in stereotypical sneering Canadian style. Are we going to sit around as some Canadian fucks have cups that hold a larger amount of coffee than ours do? Eh? More »
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Haha, get ready, media-savvy internet readers, because the august New York Times, the Grey Lady, the Paper of Record, has written a whole story about big butts (bottoms). Can you imagine the jibes that online rascals without a care in the world for decorum will come up with about this one??? Someone hide the children, other than the ones who like big butts and cannot lie—we're butting into your business butt good, regarding large butts! More »
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America has entered a bold new era of internal mistrust: a new Pew survey officially shows that class conflict has surpassed both racial conflict and immigrant-native conflict as "the greatest source of tension in American society." Well—are you just going to stand there and let them get away with that? More »
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A video emerges showing US Marines pissing on three Taliban corpses in Afghanistan. The outrage machine grinds into motion. The media bestirs itself from its slumber. Americans momentarily pay attention to the war in Afghanistan again. Politicians rush to add their names to the chorus of identical statements. All inflamed over the least bad thing that soldiers do in war. More »
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Outstanding news, terrified Americans who watch too many fearmongering cable news crime stories: for the first time in nearly 50 years, homicide is not one of the top 15 causes of death in America. First a black president, and now this! Why, it's damn near impossible to get anyone to kill you these days. America is a safety festival, and everyone under the age of 75 is invited. More »
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Once again this week, the FBI has foiled an incredibly unconvincing terror plot replete with plans that fail to strike fear in the heart of any American. Sami Osmakac, a 25 year-old in Tampa, Florida, has been arrested for allegedly plotting to destroy bridges and bomb nightclubs in the name of Islam. Anyone who's been to Florida knows that destroying nightclubs in Tampa would be a great public service, to the United States of America. More »
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There comes a time in the life of every freedom-loving person when he is forced to stand on his own two feet and make a very fundamental choice: Velveeta Cheesy Skillets, or Hamburger Helper? That time is now, Americans. Will you rise to the challenge? More »
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You know what the state of Arizona needs? More xenophobia. Also, less knowledge of Mexican-American history and more fear and distrust between white people and immigrants. So thank god that a judge has upheld an earlier ruling by Arizona's school superintendent that a Mexican-American studies program in Tucson is a violation of the law, in part because it promotes "resentment toward a race or class of people." White people in Arizona, specifically! More »
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Though the fear of a violent and unprovoked home invasion resulting in who knows what horrors to your precious bodily cavities stalks your psyche daily, the fact is this: you are paranoid. Watching too much local television news, I suspect. America is so safe these days it is absolutely sickening. More »
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Thanks to mildly encouraging small business hiring, mildly increasing consumer demand, and a mild uptick in the real estate market, economists and businessmen across America are becoming afflicted with "economic optimism," at least to the extent necessary to justify a USA Today "Money" section feature. Smell that? It's a course. We're back on it! More »
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Congratulations, America: you've gotten what you wished for. You elected Barack "Hussein" Obama as commander in chief. He quickly allowed homosexuals to serve as proud members of the US Armed Forces, standing buttock-to-buttock in foxholes next to normal young American boys. (After the war is over, they can marry, now.) It was only a matter of time before our fighting men were encouraged to start fucking dogs. More »
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Shohn Huckabee is a 24 year-old Texas man who was arrested during a trip to Mexico in 2009, charged with drug trafficking, and given a five year prison sentence. He says that he was innocent, tortured by police and set up. His case became a cause celebre for activists, and he's finally been released after serving more than two years in Mexican prison. More »
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The bad news is that nearly 50% of people under 25 in Greece and Spain are unemployed. The good news is you don't live in Greece or Spain. The bad news is unemployment applications are rising here, too. The good news is that the federal government gives you 99 weeks of unemployment benefits. The bad news is, not for long! The good news is, you still have a job. The bad news is, one in five Americans believe they'll lose their job next year. The good news is, you're not one of them. More »
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Each of the individual "states"—the little McNugget-shaped landmasses that make up the United "States" of America—have their very own little economies, just like a real country. Perhaps, although the entire USA is broke as a motherfucker, taking a "granular" look at the state level will revel that, like a weird, unseen quantum world, their own economies are stronger than expected. Maybe? More »
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Americans are reportedly 20 pounds heavier, on average, than we were in 1990. Wha? Were people really so fine, in 1990, outside of In Living Color's The Fly Girls? It's okay, though; we've made certain... psychological adjustments. We now have raised our self-reported "ideal weight" by ten pounds. No matter how big we get, our problem is just those last ten pounds! From a new Gallup poll: More »
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In olden times, when Americans were forced to scavenge for food at "Supermarkets," people ate only three "meals" per day, that being the maximum number that the womenfolk could be goaded into preparing, no matter how much you beat them. More »
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It's been well proven that some of the most reliable haters of America are Americans ourselves. We just can't stand this crappy place. Which should not be interpreted as meaning that we don't love this great nation. Or should it? More »
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Uhhhhhh. Ugggghhhh. Ummmmmmfffff. Dude we were like... what time is it? Fuck. Morning in America already? More »
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Used to be that people here in America would sometimes "move" themselves and their belongings from their present dwelling place to a new, different dwelling place. No more. More »
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What an age we live in! Whereas America sprung full-formed from the breast of Jesus as a white Christian nation in 1776, now we have all types of weird foreign people here. And we welcome them, now that they've gotten in despite our considerable national spirit of xenophobia! Middle America is no longer as white as it's always been (since we killed the natives!). More »
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Fast food is a luxury these days. Fast food chains can no longer just set up a plastic lean-to on the side of any major highway and expect Americans to flock in for 99-cent anus burgers; now, they have to convince impoverished Americans that their "Val-U Men-U" items were prepared by a real live chef. More »
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It's times like this—when a "hero" beloved for not-quite-justified reasons meets a scandalous end, and college kids start rioting in the streets over sports, not social justice—when we, as a nation, need to sit back, take a deep collective breath, and ask ourselves: "Can you imagine if everyone involved in this thing were black?" More »
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Glorious American capitalism has advanced so much in the past year that the traditional "Black Friday" day of shopping hell has now become "Black Midnight," in which major big box retailers open their doors on the first, dark minute of the day after Thanksgiving, so that your time in pre-Christmas retail torment may be prolonged as much as possible. Target's doing it. Best Buy's doing it. But... but what about Wal-Mart? More »
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Just when you think that this is America and yew better speak American if you wanna live here because my daddy worked hard to support our family and I don't pay taxes to support a buncha Mescans sneaking over the border to steal my hard-earned dollars and date my daughter, you read something like this: foreigners are making good solid American dollars—millions of 'em!—without even talkin' English like a real human. Is this that "socialism" they're always talking about? More »
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Having systematically driven the traditional "small town American" hardware store, drug store, grocery store, clothing store, auto parts store, and general store out of business, Wal-Mart has been sitting around, scratching its imaginary head, wondering "What part of traditional American business can I co-opt next, further reducing the traditional American downtown business district to a desolate wasteland and forcing citizens to conduct any and all monetary transactions beneath the sheltering sky of harsh neon lights inside of our very own big, inescapable box?" More »
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The Washington Post, having suffered years of cutbacks and foreign bureau closings, has now consolidated all of its remaining resources on its Peabody award-winning Hipness Desk. The paper's tireless hipness correspondents spend day and night fanned out across the metropolitan region in search of the elusive young, hip vibe that, according to legend, haunts the DC area. More »
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No law enforcement agency in the world is better than our own FBI when it comes to thwarting terror plots that never would have come to fruition anyhow, because they consisted mainly of pitiful people sitting around boasting to FBI informants. The latest triumph by our domestic anti-terror heroes: saving America from a bunch of old Georgia loons who sat around the Waffle House talking about their big assassination ideas. More »
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The Great American Mall has been dying for years and years now. So long, in fact, that many malls are actually dead now! And what are we to do with all of these empty mall building carcasses? Ah, glad you asked! More »
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Well well well, quaint old New England is "reaching out" to its youth with a simple message: please, don't move away as soon as you get the chance. Sorry, "New" England. The youth are not about to be suckered into spending any more time there than absolutely necessary. More »
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Think of "fruits" and "vegetables" like parsley. Parsley is a vegetable. And here in America, we use fruit and vegetables the same way that we use parsley: as window dressing, as a little green thing that makes the real food (Cheez) look better. More »
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There are more Starbucks coffee shops in America than there were voters in the last presidential election (probably). Starbucks is America. Or, more accurately, Starbucks shapes America into its own image: a nation of the types of people who love Starbucks. More »
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There's no easy way to break this to you so we're just going to rip off the ol' band-aid: we have another entire decade to go before American "income"—stuff they pay if you ever get a job—claws its way back to where it was ten years ago. That's a twenty year income pit. Years to dig ourselves into the hole, years wallowing at the bottom, and more painful years to get out. But! Let's look at the bright side. More »
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The readers of the Wall Street Journal don't have time to go out into the dirty corners of the world to find out what the rabble is thinking. That's why they buy the Wall Street Journal—to keep abreast of the various maneuverings and machinations of the rabble, as described by columnists who are, frankly, also too well-off to go out into the dirty corners of the world to find out what the rabble is thinking. More »
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