Meet "the only licensed firearms dealer in America running for Congress," and by his own account, maybe the only congressional candidate "who will stand up to Obama" with a cannon if necessary, which it won't be, if only you'll vote for him.
John Stone hates big government so much that he's willing to leave his longtime Washington career as a staffer for three different congressmen, in which he's made $68,250 in the past half-year, in order to run for election as a congressman. He also probably pulls down a paycheck as the head of a "nonpartisan nonprofit" called the U.S. Freedom Foundation, which is weird, since neither its home state of Virginia, nor the IRS, nor ProPublica, have any record of a nonprofit by that name.
But Stone's totally an outsider, you see, because none of the big government that pays him has donated any funds to his campaign. In fact, he'd like to vote out the House Republican leadership, too, along with Obama.
Rebelliousness! It's in his blood, understand, as a descendant of Georgia revolutionaries and as a guy with a cannon and probably many more guns and also as a graduate of the public policy program at Pat Robertson's Regents University. Just take a gander at his rebellious campaign ad above.
"My forefathers used a cannon like this one to fight the British in Savannah and win us a Constitution," he says, because that's how constitutions are made: You kill guys with cannons, and before dying they agree you won, and then the Cannon War Master of Ceremonies comes over and hands you your trophy of a gilded cup with an eagle on top, and the cup has a new Constitution jammed inside, along with a Desert Eagle .50-caliber semiautomatic pistol and a pack of survival seeds.
But I digress. History lesson complete, Stone continues:
"As the only licensed firearms dealer in America running for Congress, I'm willing to do the same if we have to. But it's a whole lot easier just to vote in new House Republican leaders who will simply stand up to Obama and defend our Constitution."
Voting in new leaders is easier. Or is it? If it were that easy to fix the country without firing off cannons, you probably wouldn't even mention the possibility of having to fire off cannons. But if you think the cannons are going to be necessary, then maybe it makes sense to mention them.
Eh, let's not overthink this. The point is freedom, and Constitution, oh and cannons. So vote Stone and get the cannons. Or rather, vote Stone or else you get the cannons. Whatever.
[h/t Aaron Blake]