Wall Street Guy Writes a Bunch of Hilarious Lies

Terry Duffy is the president of a financial exchange. Prototypical finance dude, right? That's where you're wrong. Terry Duffy must be a comedian. I mean, just look at this shit he wrote in the Wall Street Journal Op-ed/ Comedy section today.

It's a cavalcade of laffs! There's the topic of the piece itself: that "Wall Street Is Losing the Best and Brightest"—and that that's a bad thing. Like, that we need more of America's best and brightest to leave their marginally worthwhile jobs and go back to working in finance, so that we may replicate the conditions that we had just before the entire global economy collapsed. Somehow, Terry Duffy, a comedy pro if there ever was one, manages to maintain a straight face all the way through this op-ed. I certainly couldn't! We don't wanna give away the whole thing, but here are five of the funniest lines, in no particular order:

1. "Not long ago, Wall Street attracted many of the smartest people in America." Killer opening line. Many of the smartest people got together to... destroy the global economy? Hilarious. There's more!

2. "As the U.S. economy slowly recovers, maybe working in finance will also recover some of its attraction for graduates. But I worry that it won't—that Wall Street has suffered reputational damage, thanks to a few bad actors."

3. "Historically, Wall Street has been a haven for young people who are passionate about changing the world with a powerful idea." Do me a favor, Terry Duffy—please don't kill me, with humor. I would like to have children one day.

4. "Finance is about more than work and money." Saturday Night Live announces their new head writer: Terry Duffy.

5. "We have to make the case to young people that if you want a remarkable career at a company with integrity that helps people and influences the world, then come to Wall Street."

I'm still waiting for the kicker.

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