I know what you all are thinking and NO I did not write this, but I kinda wish I had. It makes me want to get more interested in politics...
Looking back, we now see it was inevitable. The internet has finally produced what we've apparently all been waiting for: an erotic gay slash-fic about conservative congressmen Paul Ryan and Aaron Schock.
Queerty brought to our attention this future classic of "Beltgay fanfiction," which pairs up the married-to-a-woman gym rat Ryan with Schock, the anti-gay-marriage Men's Health coverboy. (They're also important politicians, we guess.)
But apparently all that emphatic heterosexuality is just a front:
There were a lot of things Aaron liked about Paul. Of course, he was tall, slender, dark-haired. His eyes were reassuring and handsome.
He was obsessive about his personal fitness...
And there was his intellect. His vision. His ability to see how things were possible that no one else could.
But most of all, it was his smile. Mischievous, yet kind, and friendly. It was a smile that caused Aaron to feel something deep inside, no matter how many times he saw it.
The anonymous author delves deep into the psychological motivations behind Ryan and Schock's famous physiques:
Aaron cared deeply about his physique, and he was proud of it. Perhaps just as proud as he was of his professional accomplishments. Two years before he'd landed himself on the cover of Men's Health – "America's fittest Congressman" the writer proclaimed. It was probably true.
But Aaron knew there was at least one other man who worked as hard at his fitness as he did. His was the body that Aaron really wanted.
We also learn about the living habits of U.S. congressmen:
He reached Paul's office on the third floor. He could hear the TV on inside; it sounded like ESPN.
Aaron knocked. "One second!" he heard Paul yell from inside.
A few seconds later, Paul opened the door. He was shirtless, wearing only an old pair of Packers gym shorts. It was obvious to Aaron he wasn't wearing anything under them.
But we know why you really came here. Behold, one Tumblr user's vision of what our representatives do behind closed doors:
Aaron's hand wandered down until it was on top of Paul's crotch, on the outside of the gym shorts. He found what he was looking for, already hard as a rock. Jackpot.
Aaron sat up and scooted down so he was on top of Paul's legs. He grabbed inside of the shorts and pulled Paul's cock out. Paul was cut, well-sized, and thicker than any Aaron had felt before. His hair was trimmed neatly.
With his other hand, Aaron pulled the shorts down and off. He started to work on Paul. Aaron was methodical, making sure to hit everywhere he knew Paul would like it – the balls, the shaft, the underside of the tip. Aaron was good at most things. Making sure his partners were satisfied was no exception.
Sweet dreams, kids.
[via Queerty, images via Getty]