5
Original post by Caity Weaver on Gawker

We Gave Canada One Job: 'Don't Lose All the Maple Syrup.' And They Couldn't Do It.

We Gave Canada One Job: 'Don't Lose All the Maple Syrup.' And They Couldn't Do It.

Welp, Canada fucked up again.

Remember like forty years ago when the world was choosing which nations would be responsible for which exports (United States: popstars, Sweden: frustrating-yet-affordable furniture, China: all goods), and it was decided that "maple syrup" seemed like the kind of thing Canada could handle?

"Is maple syrup even that important, guys?" asked Canada.

"Ohmygod, maple syrup is ABSOLUTELY important, Canada. I wish I had that. So jealous!" said all of the other nations, talking over themselves all at once. Really hamming it up for Canada's benefit.

"Okay, cool. I'll do it," said Canada.

Turns out the one job we asked Canada to do ("make—and do not lose track of—all the maple syrup"), Canada was unable to do.

Canadian authorities have just revealed that someone recently stole "a massive haul of maple syrup worth up to $30 million" from a warehouse in Québec.

Police and auditors have not yet released details of exactly how much product is missing; the current word is "a large quantity."

If the thieves had somehow made off with the entire contents of the warehouse, Canada would have lost more than a tenth of its 2012 syrup harvest (3.4 million liters).

The Federation of Québec Maple Syrup Producers (three magical elves) noticed that the syrup was missing during a routine inspection of the warehouse, which is maintained as part of the world's "global strategic maple syrup reserve."

Nearly 13 million liters of syrup are stored in three Canadian warehouses to stabilize global supply and prices.

When asked by the world if Canada was even trying to not lose the maple syrup we'd asked it to watch, the President of the Federation, Serge Beaulieu, confirmed that the warehouse had a fence with locks and everything.

And you did remember to lock the locks, right Canada?

"I definitely think that I did," said Canada.

When it's not letting any old Joe Schmo waltz in off the street and steal all the product, Québec is responsible for supplying 70-80% of the world's maple syrup.

Luckily, if you followed Gawker's advice to start hoarding maple syrup this past spring, you can now sell your liquid gold for eight million dollars a bottle.

[Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers // CBC News (h/t Graeme) // Image via AP]

5 Reply